This situation came up today, where I was visiting my parents at home. I was talking to my mom, and of all things, I am "arrogant" off meds. "The people at the hospital even commented on it."
OH GOD... You know, go home. You are getting too old to be trying to make decisions for me. First of all, I am not arrogant. I am anything but arrogant, and I work on that every single second since I am working on enlightenment. Second off, the issue at the hospital was a "don't go there..." issue.
That's an interesting situation, actually. And I don't know or understand the technical stuff here, but since fourth grade, I have had a problem with communication. The theory I have, and if you are new this sounds weird, and don't ask me exactly why here, this is a complicated topic... At some point, around fourth grade, there is some sort of "social signal" you use to communicate, and mine was shut off. And this is a theory.
What I do know is, I couldn't talk to people. Suddenly, didn't really get conversation. Couldn't make friends, at my new school. And this is well-documented and I went through this and this isn't some sort of delusion okay, this really happened.
Not literally never, and I eventually made some friends, and I could talk a little bit, and online was easier, and at home was easier... even with my sister's friends on the phone, it was easier talking to them then people at school. However, it wasn't until some point toward the beginning at Innercept the treatment program, where I began to suddenly make conversation a lot easier. I could think of things to say, all of a sudden. However, it was a process, and at one point I resorted to making conversation about shrimp tacos over and over and over again. Man, you must love that food! Actually, it just sounds like something I want to try...
Anyway, after a long strenuous process, where I learned to make conversation without the social signal... They may have actually turned it back on at the hospital, very recently. And let me just say I'm confused about this situation, exactly what was going on here. What I know is, I have a history of conversation issues.
Anyway, so I was at the hospital, and suddenly I'm having trouble with back in forth, A and B conversations. The thing I want to point out to you is, GOD, this was IMMENSELY FRUSTRATING. Like I want to point out to them here, I HAVE A DISABILITY. CAN YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE?! There was a situation, where I was reaching over the counter for the food, and the lady started working really hard moving it, and I said, can you please talk to me here, I'm not going to reach for it again... I'm trying to talk to her, she wouldn't stop moving it, and I am trying to make conversation. THIS IS A PROBLEM WITH COGNITION, NOT AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM. When you move out of my line of sight, I can't THINK, can you please stop moving. And of course, oh my God, Rachel just FLIPPED when the lady moved out of her line of sight!!
AHH!!! BRAIN ERROR! BRAIN ERROR! BRAIN ERROR!
You know, there is also this problem, with social interaction, moving in and out of social mode. When I am in social mode, I grasp onto you. Don't leave suddenly and jar me away from social mode. Because it will cause a BRAIN ERROR. I am trying as hard as I can.
I am not trying to be mean! Also, at the same time, I am trying to LISTEN and COMPREHEND what you are saying. I am also trying to FORMULATE MY RESPONSE.
So, I don't know where this "arrogant" label from my mom came... I know you hate it, but you know, you are getting old, Beev. I have on camera, you saying, "Well I think you go to bars less on your meds..." "No, I don't." "I know..." You didn't say arrogant then. And, it may be besides the point, bipolar medication is not supposed to treat arrogance. I'm not sure if that's relevant.....?
So, please, can you lay off about the issue at the hospital! It was incredibly stressful, dealing with my brain then, and you are just SCARED that something bad happens when I'm off medication, that will lead to me dead in a ditch, because of what the doctors have told you about pre-emptive pilling. Your claims are groundless, said way after the fact, you have no examples, you just speak from a position where your viewpoint is regarded way above mine, and I have to suffer with being poisoned because you are getting old and senile and now suddenly you think you remember me acting arrogant.
And please, that's offensive. Every single second, I am examining myself, trying to exterminate ego complexes. Thinking, do I have the slightest superior attitude about every little infitescimally small thing, down to not liking a song that someone else likes (you get very slight ego complexes about music, that's why people pick on each other about music tastes... I'm talking SLIGHT). Every little thing. Every little fucking thing. I'm not mad. This is what I do, I do it with happiness, grace, and gratitude.
You're getting too old for your job, Beev. Soon, people will be taking care of YOU.
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