My Faith: Christianity, the Bible, and the Comfort of the Holy Spirit

 I wasn't raised Christian. It was a result of my delusional situation, that I even became Christian! My family is not Christian.

It's interesting, when you come down with a belief that you are the second coming... Regardless of everything, you realize, you didn't believe in Jesus... but you've always believed that yeah, Jesus will return, of course.

When I was at Innercept, I was constantly drawn to the Bible. Stuck in a house with nothing to do, I decided to spend this time reading the Bible... Over and over again it came back to, why don't I spend this time reading the Bible!

I couldn't convert though, at first. My belief system kind of went like this... To be Christian, you believe Jesus was born of a virgin... Check. Jesus performed miracles... Check. Jesus was the son of God... Not sure what that means, but check. You believe Jesus rose from the dead... check (in some, non-physical form, more solid than a ghost, is what I believe). And... In doing so, the sins of humanity are wiped clean and everyone goes to heaven, if they are saved. Okay... no. I believe you don't need a "sinless" person to die for your sins, everyone crosses over and goes to heaven, regardless.

Actually, it's a little bit more complicated than, "everyone goes to heaven." Some souls are evil and get "deflated," some go down a dimension... Also, if you are wicked, that is a punishment in itself. Wicked souls are unhappy.

Anyway, it was this one pastor, Pastor Kurt Neely, who I went to bible study with... he listened to my situation on a subconscious level, on the spiritual plane, and said, you know, this situation is ridiculous... Just convert anyway, okay.

Then, in a stroke of pure mad genius, devised a plan for Subbie to get it up to Conscie, using subconscious reasoning... for my subconscious mind to convince my conscious mind to convert anyway. One of the things that was brilliant about it, it involved reverse psychology from my upbringing, which was pretty unique.

I haven't actually talked to this guy much, ever, but we had a special connection. We lost contact. I have tried writing to him, since I found his email address online... I tried three times and he didn't respond. I don't know what's going on, but I figure he must not have received them, they must have gone into his spam filter. So, Pastor Kurt, if you ever read my blog... Heads up, spam filter.

The thing about Christianity, it has some sort of energy associated with it... with church, the Bible, gospel music, but above all, other Christians and conversations about Jesus... Some sort of friendship that comes with all being about Jesus, and being Christian. Like, you can feel the Holy Spirit, and I love that. That's why I love it.

When you are Christian, you are automatically friends, in a way. Kind of like, as Subbie says... There's some sort of friendship that comes from being in the top math class together, automatically, even with people you have never talked to.

I believe the purpose was to instill morals into society, to create stability. Yeah, people fight about it, and it is human nature to fight. If they are not fighting about one thing, they would be fighting about something else.

And that's how I see it. Jesus was a teacher.

Theories on the Spiritual Plane Situation

 The problem with my life is lack of people. I don't have lots of old friends, haven't kept in contact with the few I did, and end up not talking to anyone at all... Drifting away from everyone else on the spiritual plane.

You can't tell me people don't send each other energy, I notice when people send me bad energy... Notice when they send me good energy, too. When I post on Facebook, people send me good energy... even if they don't click like, it is worth it.

When I was mugged last January, it caused a serious problem... some aspect of my social sanity, was based on being a member of the human race, kindness from and unity with strangers. Of course, you know, strangers are often not friendly... as was demonstrated. Caused a crisis, when I was at the hospital. Every day was drained social bar, the Sims style, and that's an under statement... I needed people to talk to.

What to do? Wasn't sure who to talk to on Facebook, didn't know who to talk to. No friends I could call on the phone, sent lots of messages out on Facebook to strange people, not people I'd maybe actually like to talk to because I was scared... Thought it would seem out of place and strange. So, it was awful and sad. Plus, my closest friend Jason, wasn't talking to me... And that was horrific, actually. And every day was sad and soul crushing. So I actually paid for a dating website membership. Nahh, I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for SOCIAL CONTACT. A friend, and I have zero... Please be my friend, dammit...

Of course, that was kind of a shitshow... Two people actually started talking to me in a dedicated fashion, wanted to meet me when I left the hospital, met both of them, not talking to either of them anymore. Which was depressing.

There was this one guy I was texting, who suddenly said, "Why are you on a dating website? You are mentally ill in the hospital." I immediately blocked him. You know, I am doing what I can here! How else will I find people to talk to, I have tried everything! Already looked for "friend websites," gotten nowhere... He shot and maimed me with bad energy, crippling, so I shot back... MAIM... SHOOT... KILL... DISMEMBER... SHOOT THE FUCK OUT OF THAT GUY WITH YOUR OWN BAD ENERGY... See, when I sent a BRUTAL amount of bad energy, since I am strong with energy, it maimed that guy's ability to send energy, which is an intense thing to do, actually... And I couldn't feel the bad energy he sent me... so MAIM, MAIM, MAIM... He's probably noticing a headache or something, wouldn't actually know... Serious bad energy usually causes pain in normal people, I think. My guides ended up having to do an emergency maneuver and remove our ability to send energy to one another.

It was like geez, will you mind your own business, guy? If you don't want to talk to me and be part of my situation, that's fine, but you can mind your own business and not send me bad energy to "express disapproval" or whatever... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS GUY... The thing is, sending someone bad energy for this reason, is not a weird thing to do... You don't necessarily send bad energy only when people are causing you problems, just if you disapprove of their behavior. But shit, what a gnarly awful situation. Me, in such a serious spiritual plane crisis, I am doing what I can and I have to FEEL HIS LOATHING at the same time...

I'm sure everyone who is reading this thinks I'm crazy. Nothing new, right?

Anyway, so please, will you mind your energy sending, people... Be nice, please. It dampens my mood a lot, okay. Usually, it doesn't even have an effect. Sometimes, only a slight subconscious effect. Not a strong conscious effect.

Anyway, there's also this situation where I notice people give me little "hugs" or "squeezes"... Happened more when I believed I was saving the planet, I would think of someone, feel a squeeze from them... One time, I was walking in public, and the people in the cars who were passing were giving me little squeezes... Don't know if it's sympathy over the sad spiritual plane situation, or something related to me being about to reach enlightenment...

Last night though, it started to happen a lot again, all of a sudden. I would think of someone, and feel a squeeze from them.

Also, Subbie said, something funny/weird is about to happen, she picked up on it... And I got a feeling of, Alice in Wonderland, weird.

Only time will tell.

Bow to Death, Harry

 I'm hanging out with my friend Chris... Damn, recently, the dreams have been WEIRD AS FUCK...

I had a dream last night, I was lucid. At first I was worried though... There was this one time when I was at Innercept at Stabilization, I actually got up in my sleep and tried to leave... Lucid dreams start where I'm in the bed I'm currently sleeping in, and I have to get up and leave... I kept thinking, my senses are abnormally strong for someone who is asleep, so I asked Chris if I was asleep, and determined that I was. I left as he ran after me, and jumped off the balcony, because fuck it, it was a dream.

At some point, Todd, my ex-boyfriend, became my partner in crime. I'm not sure at what point this happened. Which is kind of strange, usually I don't have a partner in crime. I was suddenly at Jason's house. I was lying in the yard, it was a nice house, not as nice as my parent's, on a cul-de-sac, with a kept up yard, I think the house was blue... His wife came home and she was laughing and talking really emphatically about the cat. There was a notion in my mind, that I had time traveled back to a happier time in their lives... They didn't see me in the yard, at one point when his wife looked out the window, like I was invisible... I went to the front door, to take note of the address, the number was different everywhere I looked, it was listed several places, and there were two different numbers it listed. The street name was Geevey or Greevey though, I took note of that... Then, I was transported to the same location, different situation, the house that was supposed to belong to Jason was now a bed with me and Todd in it. I got up and left, and it was like Fred Meyer or one of those all-purpose stores, everywhere else in the building...

I wandered around for awhile, before I realized, something is just subtly off here. There was bad energy, like something terrible happened here. Then, I discovered what it was... I wandered to one part of the store, and it was all destruction and death... a train had crashed into the building.

I wandered around some more, came back, and the damage was worse... It didn't occur to me soon enough, I thought, that that was a bad sign... I went and got Todd, told him to get his stuff together, we were leaving. It was unsafe here.

I went back outside, kind of like I was looking for an adrenaline rush though. There were a bunch of people gathered by the train tracks, and another train came by. Everyone watched in horror. The man who was operating the train waved at us. He was about to crash, because the track became messed up and went into Fred Meyer's. Clearly he knew this, clearly someone had told him about this over the radio or something, and he had no way of being able to stop the train. Upon waking, the moment when the train conductor waved, was the most poignant part of the entire dream. Subbie said the man represented Jason's wife.

There was a big explosion, everyone assured me I was a safe distance away but I didn't think so, I got hit by a bunch of sparks, but I was okay. Then another train came, and another... there was something wrong, the trains were very close together, and it didn't really make sense why they couldn't stop.

Then, it morphed into some exploration of the city of Lake Oswego... There was something about, no, go over the lake... and I thought "the lake" was Centerpointe Drive. We were trying to get to Lakeridge. I had a partner in crime, some guy, could have been Chris, Todd, or Jason, unclear. I flew upward and landed somewhere random on the other side of the lake, around the part of town people from Lakeridge go to. A backpack I was carrying burst, carrying a whole bunch of clothing I didn't want, that I intended to give to charity, like Barbie clothes... in real life, the clothing my mom gave to charity, I was playing dress up with it... I got a bunch of money selling it to this store, there was a reality shift, the street I was on turned into a mall, and I was told, you are walking on the edge of reality/existence Rachel, FUNNY, FUNNY things happen to the two of you... you and your partner in crime, like the bus stop turning into a mall. Really, I was scared that it was a dream, because if it wasn't, that meant something interesting was going to happen with my life... With my book series, or something... Of course, in real life, Subbie keeps saying, you know, that wasn't the end...

There was a time quite a few years ago, when my guides had me post a status, "Watch out for the dancer..." In real life, my guides said "the dancer" was an electronic dancing Santa Claus I saw on television last Christmas... In the dream, there was a police shoot out on the roof, where the police danced, and it was all over television. I thought the money I got from the clothes was going to disappear, but it didn't, and I finally made my first appearance on television... I watched it, and I was a cyclops. Of course, that's what I intended to do... I could do some freaky shit with my face, or Subbie could.

No, not next millennium, Rachel... It all comes to a close in the year 2021. Was what I was told in the dream. At least, that's the year my dreams come true.

Of all Labels, "Arrogant"

 This situation came up today, where I was visiting my parents at home. I was talking to my mom, and of all things, I am "arrogant" off meds. "The people at the hospital even commented on it."

OH GOD... You know, go home. You are getting too old to be trying to make decisions for me. First of all, I am not arrogant. I am anything but arrogant, and I work on that every single second since I am working on enlightenment. Second off, the issue at the hospital was a "don't go there..." issue.

That's an interesting situation, actually. And I don't know or understand the technical stuff here, but since fourth grade, I have had a problem with communication. The theory I have, and if you are new this sounds weird, and don't ask me exactly why here, this is a complicated topic... At some point, around fourth grade, there is some sort of "social signal" you use to communicate, and mine was shut off. And this is a theory.

What I do know is, I couldn't talk to people. Suddenly, didn't really get conversation. Couldn't make friends, at my new school. And this is well-documented and I went through this and this isn't some sort of delusion okay, this really happened.

Not literally never, and I eventually made some friends, and I could talk a little bit, and online was easier, and at home was easier... even with my sister's friends on the phone, it was easier talking to them then people at school. However, it wasn't until some point toward the beginning at Innercept the treatment program, where I began to suddenly make conversation a lot easier. I could think of things to say, all of a sudden. However, it was a process, and at one point I resorted to making conversation about shrimp tacos over and over and over again. Man, you must love that food! Actually, it just sounds like something I want to try...

Anyway, after a long strenuous process, where I learned to make conversation without the social signal... They may have actually turned it back on at the hospital, very recently. And let me just say I'm confused about this situation, exactly what was going on here. What I know is, I have a history of conversation issues.

Anyway, so I was at the hospital, and suddenly I'm having trouble with back in forth, A and B conversations. The thing I want to point out to you is, GOD, this was IMMENSELY FRUSTRATING. Like I want to point out to them here, I HAVE A DISABILITY. CAN YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CUT ME SOME SLACK HERE?! There was a situation, where I was reaching over the counter for the food, and the lady started working really hard moving it, and I said, can you please talk to me here, I'm not going to reach for it again... I'm trying to talk to her, she wouldn't stop moving it, and I am trying to make conversation. THIS IS A PROBLEM WITH COGNITION, NOT AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM. When you move out of my line of sight, I can't THINK, can you please stop moving. And of course, oh my God, Rachel just FLIPPED when the lady moved out of her line of sight!!

AHH!!! BRAIN ERROR! BRAIN ERROR! BRAIN ERROR!

You know, there is also this problem, with social interaction, moving in and out of social mode. When I am in social mode, I grasp onto you. Don't leave suddenly and jar me away from social mode. Because it will cause a BRAIN ERROR. I am trying as hard as I can.

I am not trying to be mean! Also, at the same time, I am trying to LISTEN and COMPREHEND what you are saying. I am also trying to FORMULATE MY RESPONSE.

So, I don't know where this "arrogant" label from my mom came... I know you hate it, but you know, you are getting old, Beev. I have on camera, you saying, "Well I think you go to bars less on your meds..." "No, I don't." "I know..." You didn't say arrogant then. And, it may be besides the point, bipolar medication is not supposed to treat arrogance. I'm not sure if that's relevant.....?

So, please, can you lay off about the issue at the hospital! It was incredibly stressful, dealing with my brain then, and you are just SCARED that something bad happens when I'm off medication, that will lead to me dead in a ditch, because of what the doctors have told you about pre-emptive pilling. Your claims are groundless, said way after the fact, you have no examples, you just speak from a position where your viewpoint is regarded way above mine, and I have to suffer with being poisoned because you are getting old and senile and now suddenly you think you remember me acting arrogant.

And please, that's offensive. Every single second, I am examining myself, trying to exterminate ego complexes. Thinking, do I have the slightest superior attitude about every little infitescimally small thing, down to not liking a song that someone else likes (you get very slight ego complexes about music, that's why people pick on each other about music tastes... I'm talking SLIGHT). Every little thing. Every little fucking thing. I'm not mad. This is what I do, I do it with happiness, grace, and gratitude.

You're getting too old for your job, Beev. Soon, people will be taking care of YOU.