Where do you hold the Fabled Belief Dot?

 My dad and I had a disagreement about what cognitive dissonance was.

I said, believing two contradictory things, simultaneously.

He said, NO, you believe one thing, despite evidence to the contrary.

Of course... I said, you know, that sounded like what I said, EXACTLY. No difference.

Nuh huh huh... The difference is, where do you hold the Fabled Belief Dot, Rachel? With what he said, you hold it OUTSIDE of your head, and with what I said, you hold it INSIDE your head.

Where is your Fabled Belief Dot, and how many do you have? Can you hold two simultaneously contradictory belief dots on a conscious focal point level in your brain, at the same time? WELL I CAN... I AM A MASTER HOLDER OF BELIEF DOT JUGGLING... I CAN JUGGLE MY BELIEF DOTS, ONE AFTER THE OTHER, DISMISS STRANGE BELIEF DOTS, JUGGLE THEM INSIDE AND OUT OF MY HEAD, and I CAN DISTRIBUTE THEM TO FOLLOWERS, TOO...

CAN YOU JUGGLE YOUR BELIEF DOTS? I BET YOU CAN'T...

That's why my brain is better than yours, okay. Without any rude emotional connotations, or rude nastiness, okay.

Snakes, Snails, Puppy Dog Tails...

 As a side note, in the book I was originally when I was first diagnosed, the Bible for Dummies, there was a joke regarding puppy dog tails I found exceptionally funny.

Anyway... It's a Rachel Zuhl motto here, the collective unconscious story regarding, puppy dog tails.

Actually... This is a situation, where there was a dream website I used to religiously look at, because the dreams AND the interpretations were fascinating to me... it was lifetreks.com, the woman was good there, since then the format has changed... Anyway, there were a great deal of dreams, it turns out, are actually DIRECT collective unconscious references, there, actually.

One of them, maybe my favorite, was the puppy dog tail dream... There was a woman, attaching three puppies by their tails... and there was some reasoning, you know, they will all run in different directions, and balance each other out with the weight, and stay in one place... And she told her grandfather, and he said, "Oh, No... Geez..."

Anyway, about strange sanity keeping situations... Where you are bending over backwards, holding on, and dear life... Please stay sane...

With people, social situations, Chance, whatever... Whoever... And then some...

Motto collective unconscious story.

Neglected Case Managers...

 There's this situation where, the neglected new case manager came over, at some point... And, I had to be subjected to SECOND GUESSING that I knew ANYTHING AT ALL, about what I myself was thinking... Okay, you know I didn't invite you over, okay, I am being subjected to your opinion against my will, and she has some sort of attitude problem about me second guessing HER opinion, you know, she is the "case manager," after all, who I have never once invited over... And you know, she is a, let's just say, "professional..." You know, she went to a college course on bipolar disorder, and that's apparently my diagnosis, and I should KNOW THAT, DAMMIT... YOU SHOULD KNOW DAMN WELL YOU CAN'T TRUST YOUR OWN ASSESSMENT OF YOUR CONDITION, DAMMIT...

Anyway, as always, "How can I be sure I'm here?" Maybe I should wonder...

Actually, she hit me with anger, had an attitude, and it's a situation that has a particularly obnoxious effect on me psychological, which may make me question at times, in a very serious light, "Do I even exist?" Not even kidding, actually...

How can I be sure I'm here? The eternal question...

Heads Up, Rational Thinking Errors Big and Small

 "All girls in junior high, paint their nails, before going to school. So Rachel is CLEARLY LYING!!" -Mystery Person, in Mystery Situation Regarding Excusable Reasoning Failure

When women trust their man's judgment on parenting issues, big and small, and on big and small reasoning issue's, the woman's judgment is taken into account... BEWARE. Situations, big and small, with women who know nothing but men believe they are sound reasoning, due to reasoning issues and conventional wisdom, BEWARE, obviously, effects are uniform, behavior is predictable, and as common knowledge suggests, predictable patterns of behavior and bodily function can be applied to ALL SITUATIONS ON THE EARTH PLANE, big and small, spiritual plane and brain function notwithstanding. Therefore, sound judgment, on personality issues, thinking errors and bulimia notwithstanding (anorexia nervosa, spiritual plane anorexia situation, extreme energy workout situation, dreamy sleep issues notwithstanding...)... Personality Type A, or Personality Type B, WHICH IS IT? Now, only fools, and I repeat, only FOOLS, would bend the criteria to include Personality Type C or D, or God, for the Love of God, Sophie... Did you hear? There are not blow jobs in heaven, okay... Or rather, Chance, Rachel, Ethan, and Robin... Alfred is still an outcast, as for now, and he really doesn't want to be remembered in such a negative light, however.... Fuck, are you still here? What was I talking about again? Or rather, when sad, wimpy reasoning, results in sad, wimpy reasoning rubbing off on other people, and then they go off on Class 2 KILLING SPREES... Now, did that even happen? No, but that was one thing we did together... And then, someone, pulled a trigger... Was it mine? Did he really say that, okay? WAS IT MINE.....?

The End.....?

Time for a break, when the nail polish rule of women in junior high, starts getting applied in a uniform fashion... And I won't tell your secrets, okay... But for the love of God, you make things up about me... So if you want...

The Beginning....?

Warm wishes, salutations, blow job certificates, FOREVER... LOVE.... THE END? Or the beginning? Or the end of the beginning, and the beginning of the end? Which door closed? Which door opened?

Am I still sitting here?

Ethan.... <3 <3 <3

Elderly Logic, Time to Step Down When Fuzzy Logic Becomes...

 Why would Rachel have gotten a Drunk in Public charge, if it weren't for the guardianship?

Well, my dad told me that one time. It's like, okay Feether Meeke, I've been drinking by myself, in public, at bars, NUMEROUS TIMES, okay, and I have not gotten a single Drunk in Public charge, okay... Plenty of opportunities... Not a SINGLE DRUNK IN PUBLIC CHARGE, OKAY...

Of course, maybe, it could have been the doctors who told this... The guardianship prevented Drunk in Public charges Rachel would have gotten... HUH? Actually, why do you think I have calmed down my behavior, at all, because of the guardianship? If anything, it makes me want to rebel more... Of course, now that I have taken on Responsiblity Mystery Number A, as of always, I don't REBEL, OKAY... However, if you are talking in terms of, IF ANYTHING, I would say, IF ANYTHING, I am more likely to have an EXTRA DRINK, due to the guardianship, okay...

DUHH!!! SIMPLE MATH, OKAY RACHEL, DUHH!!!

Rachel's drinking problem > Kristen's drinking problem

Kristen = DUI Charge

Therefore, Rachel = Drunk in Public, If not for Rachel = Guardianship

DUHH, Rachel!! Do we need to send you back to Kindergarten Rachel, God!!! SIMPLE MATH!!!

Picture Reading: The Lowdown

So, through out my life, I have trained myself in picture reading.

You know, I thought my journey in this endeavor started shortly after I returned home from Innercept, was on a spiritual message board that talked about picture reading, and actually showed some talent in reading people on the site. Actually, my guides say it started when I was in high school. Sometimes  when I was bored in class, I would try to read the teacher's or other student's auras. Well, I started to see stuff after awhile: nothing all that impressive, however. One time, I was watching a girl give a speech in French class, and I noticed her aura turned from red to blue all of a sudden. A moment later, I realized it was because she had just finished her speech.

However, what my guides point out was the important thing was, when I would try to read people, I would feel a feeling in my own body of their energy. No information, just a funny tingle or touch of their energy. I tried to hold on to this feeling and pull at this feeling, and it was the start of what eventually lead to expert picture reading.

I can read people for information about them specifically, but usually when I picture read, I focus on what they are thinking/feeling toward me. I mean after all, I am not trying to snoop into people's private lives! After I read people correctly on the message board, I thought, "How can I use this talent to my advantage?" Well, there was a guy I had a crush on at the time, and I thought, hey, maybe I can see if he is thinking about me too! I picture read, and I picture read, and I picture read... I picture read my boyfriend soon after too, and saw him thinking about me frequently... I could see people thinking about me, but it took several years to become really really good at it. And when I say several years, I mean, lots and lots of time devoted to the task (after all, I don't have anything else I really feel like spending that much time on... I am an internet stalker at heart, okay, and this became a new convenient tactic).

It shows up as not colors, but I "see" an emotional connotation, and it's the emotional connotation they are thinking me in. See, in my world, we talk about something called soul pockets... They are sensory "pockets" or areas devoted to experiencing your five senses. So there is one for hearing, one for sight, one for taste which is related to the one for smell, one for touch and temperature.... Of course, you have many more than just these pockets in your soul! These are the only ones used on the Earth plane! On other planes, you may have more types of sensory experiences we can only imagine with limited imagination on the Earth plane... However, psychics often have other pockets open they use for their psychic experiences, and this is an example of that. These picture reading visualizations are in a completely different pocket.

On top of that, my guides show me visualizations related to thoughts the people are having about me. However, my guides have been known to fabricate at times for mysticism purposes, and it's my job to use my own judgment if these things I am seeing are realistic.

Another thing is, something I have noticed recently but not too recently (not within the past month).... I have a floater issue, related to picture reading. Sometimes, I get caught looking at floaters and have trouble focusing on what I am actually looking at. Annoying to be sure, but I think it is also related to limited dopamine. Another thing about that is, the psychological eye process related to picture reading is related to the one used for seeing floaters. So, if you are interested in trying it out yourself, that's a bit of direction. Another thing is, not everyone is capable of picture reading. People who have a natural talent for reiki work, tend to be picture readers as well.

Trust me, the floater issue is nothing compared to the benefits of being able to get insight into how people are thinking/feeling.

"If it weren't for the guardianship, you'd be dead, Rachel!"

So this is what I hear, when I tell my parents, the guardianship was a mistake.

"But if it weren't for the guardianship, you'd be dead!"

Why? When would I have died?

You'd be dead on the streets of downtown Portland!

There was this one time, when I was sent to a treatment center in Santa Barbara immediately following a suicide attempt, I wandered the streets of Santa Barbara for several nights doing drugs, not caring if I lived or if I died. I ended up living, and being sent to a treatment center in North Idaho immediately afterward, called Innercept.

To my parents, this same scenario, has repeated itself on in on in their minds, until the cows came home, which they never actually did. This scenario has repeated itself so many times! Well, yes, their memories are a bit foggy... But they know it, they know it, they know it!

My dad says, "God, Rachel, how dare you ask me to clarify and remember exactly when it happened a second and a third and a forth time! You know damn well it has happened many many MANY times, okay! Just like..." And then he falls asleep from the old age and the narcelepsy.

Actually, it has never happened a second time. I felt safe in Santa Barbara, I would never do the same thing in downtown Portland, and I have never been in that same mood or wanted to.

Then, my dad wakes up from his nap. "There was that one time, shortly after you moved back from Innercept, I had to pick you up from the streets of downtown Portland! See! SEE! You did the same thing that night, that one time! You were wandering the streets of downtown Portland at night!"

Actually, what happened was, I was out at night, and I was out simply past when the busses were running... So yes, I called my dad and asked for a ride home. I wasn't even doing any drugs that night. Not drinking, not smoking pot even, not anything else. Simply up past when the busses were running.

"Well, that proves it!" My dad says. "You would be dead in a ditch, if it weren't for the guardianship! This going out and doing drugs in the streets is a scenario that keeps repeating itself over and over again! IN FACT, THE DOCTORS SAID THE SAME THING! THEY SAID YOU WOULD BE DEAD, IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE GUARDIANSHIP!"

And yes, I am telling the truth, folks. My dad really DID tell me that. He told me, the doctors told him, I would be dead if it weren't for the guardianship. And.... He expected me to believe it.

That's why both my parents are fucking idiots. The end.

Enlightenment: Is this Finally It?

So, I've reached a part in my spiritual journey, where I feel like I should already be considered enlightened. Except, well, I'm not. No inner peace.

What do enlightened thought processes look like? How do they look different from mine? I've gotten rid of all the ego complexes! I don't beat up other people, ever. Nor myself, except I never did. I'm nice and perfectly sweet!

Maybe the thought that has been preventing me from enlightenment is... DUN DUN DUN... the bus stop incident last spring.

I was out one day, getting high and wandering. I accidentally got WAY too high. At a bus stop at a random place, a young woman asked me a question about the busses. Well, I was too high to be able to answer her. I stuck around a while, and noticed this woman stuck around awhile as well.

When I finally came down a little bit, I rode the bus over the hill, bought some marijuana, and rode back over the hill. When we were coming up to the place where I had the encounter earlier with the young woman, I held my nose all of a sudden! PEE-U!

I asked my guides what the fuck? They said, well, that young woman, was out of town and trying to visit family. She was lost and in a state of severe inner turmoil. So, since she was so upset, she continuously beat up the high girl at the bus stop for not giving her directions, and she made fun of me in a nasty way for being fat.

At the time, I was about 30 pounds heavier than right now, and I had my stomach artificially enlarged by my guides. At that particular time, I had no attachment at all to the idea of being asthetically pleasing, so instead of being at all offended I laughed my fucking head off! How embarrassing for her that I knew about it now!

You know, random girl at the bus stop, I'm here on my own business. I did not come to this particular location at this particular time, to give you directions. Also, what does that even look like? The thoughts behind causing such a stink for me being fat, I mean? Obviously, mere fat-shaming insults wouldn't cut it. It must consist of crass imagery, fat jiggling and such. God, what an obnoxious thing to do with your mind! Subbie made a comment that it was like she got frustrated and started banging her head against the pavement.

Another thing that Subbie said, was the thing that made it even funnier was that that girl was a real "goody two-shoes" girl. Meaning, a little too attached to the parents. Which meant she might like this one sex act on the other side which is abhorrent.

So anyway, do I have to extinguish laughing about this incident, to reach enlightenment? Or do I have to stop thinking altogether of people who I make judgments against?

Do I have to stop thinking altogether? If I'm not allowed to make a stab at someone who has an obnoxious trait I think is funny, what the fuck am I allowed to think about anyway? Nothing, apparently.

Maybe I should spend more time raving about how much I love all these people whom I never meet or see in person, like Subbie likes to do at times.

Here at Rachel Zuhl's world, we devote equal time to taking jabs and garnishing with praise. So yeah, I judge you, person who thinks I'm lying when I say I don't want to walk recklessly in front of cars when crossing a parking lot, because why do I care about drivers, I don't drive? I could think about things that I judge people for, and they are judgments I would, in EVERY SITUATION, mention to their face as well. Does that make me ineligable for enlightenment? Maybe I have to simply stop being Rachel Zuhl, and devise a whole new persona, as goody two-shoes as Pollyanna. Is that what I have to do to reach enlightenment?

Or do I have to make it out of the house on a regular basis, and squash this insecurity I have about being isolated, which makes me occasionally relish a little in a negative thought about someone else when a jab is taken within my own mind at my own situation?

I'll tell you what I think. I secretly suspect, the latter effect I notice ever so seldom... Is the final straw of the ego. Whether or not I have to fully integrate myself socially.... I'm not sure.