My Book

So I've been writing about my life up to the present and adding that to the book. I have been extremely impressed with my recent writing. The stuff I have written from the past year is very interesting. I didn't quite realize how interesting the past year has been. This book will absolutely be published. And it will be popular.

I have to select moments to demonstrate both that there was something good about me all along, and also select moments that demonstrate that there was something not good that needed to change. At the end I change, or at least I begin to work on changing. I was thinking that the stuff I had written before was crap compared to the stuff I recently wrote. Then I looked back and realized that it demonstrates the change from focusing on other people to focusing on myself.

In the part I wrote a while ago, there's a part where I am sending the guy I had delusions about messages. In one of the messages I make a statement, and I always kind of wondered why I said it. It was like, some people were this certain way. It was probably true but it didn't really seem to relate to anything and seemed kind of random. I always remembered that statement, and I have that message in my book. But now, at the end, the statement I made about how some people are was how I was a lot of the time. That was part of what I was supposed to learn.

I had this experience one time where I came to a certain realization. I realized that it would greatly add to the book if I mentioned it because it relates to something else in the book that happens in the part I just wrote. Looking back at the part of the book where I talk about the time period when it happened, I realized that it would be incredibly difficult to insert there because I was talking about another issue. I had sent the guy a message about it where I described it, but I hadn't added that to my book. I really did not want to go back and look through the messages I sent him again. Then I remembered something. a couple years ago I had gone back again and looked at the messages I had sent him. There were three of them that I found interesting that weren't in my book, so I saved them on my hard drive. One of them was the one message. So I went back and added it.

I am going to go back and delete a lot of recent blog posts. The reason is because I don't like giving away book information on my blog, and now a lot of the stuff I have blogged about is in my book.

Anyway, so I think this is going to be a fantastic book.

Painting an Emotional Tapestry

So, now that we've got to pretty much what I think is the end of this whole situation in my life. This situation being the karma thing, which includes my delusions and the mental illness and shit. Now I understand why the psychic last summer told me that my book would make the kind of stuff I believe in popular amongst young people. Because even though it involves all this horrible crap I had to go through which seems so unfair if you only look at this lifetime, there's just something about it that is in my opinion incredibly cool.

So I've been writing today, and today is my birthday, but that is irrelevant. I was adding the part about treatment. I have to be kind of brief about things, but touch upon the aspects of it that are important. I have been being incredibly brief about things, leaving out most of the stuff that happened, just touching on things I deem important.

One of the things that happens when you are going through what I'm going through, and thinking the way I'm thinking, with whatever it is that I am going through. Delusions? Mental illness? Altered spiritual state? Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. One of the things is you think differently and things pop out more in your mind that seem important, like random things that happened. They pop out more, and this is conducive to painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. Because that's what memoir writing is, painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. It is a form of art and involves creativity because you have to decide what to include and how you are going to tell it.

Anyway, so one random small insignificant event popped out of me that happened early on in my Innercept career. And it involved this other girl at Innercept. And I was remembering how back in the day, at one point I had delusions about my delusions, and I was telling her about it. I was going to add this part to my book and she wanted to have me put the part where I tell her about it in the book. So I was going to and I was writing about it, this was several years ago, but then later I decided that I didn't want to include the delusions about my delusions, and even if I did the part where I tell her about it wasn't significant enough to add it into the book. So it was not going to be in the book. But then today, I was remembering the other thing that popped out at me. And it was such a coincidence because it was the same girl who wanted to be in the book, so I added it and told her about it on facebook and she was happy.

I have to add back a part I removed awhile ago because I was embarrassed. I have to re-add some mention of it because it is actually something really important. It was meant to embarrass me because it was important that I be embarrassed. So yeah this is kind of a tell-all book. Not literally everything. I know some people might not want me to add stuff that embarrasses me but it is way worth it in this case to add it. It adds a lot to the book. So you have to make sacrifices.

There are things in my book like slutty behaviors that aren't necessarily that uncommon, and a lot of people have done these kind of things, but everyone has to act like people don't do these kind of things and they don't talk about them.

It's like, you have to put a certain image out into the world, whether it be out on the internet or through publishing a book, like you don't do certain things. You have never been promiscuous or have done drugs or drank excessively. And you don't have any opinions about anything that could possibly be offensive to anyone. And stuff like that. And if you don't present this image, employers won't hire you. But no one is like that. So every single person has to fake it and they are expected to fake it.

This is something that annoys me about the world. So I am hoping my life never depends on getting a job where they expect me to be like that.

Innercept: A Pricey Death Camp

So I am just fucking going crazy here. For awhile I felt this strong sense of caring about everyone and how my actions affected everyone. Now I just feel like I could punch everyone in the face.

I just want to get the fuck away from this Innercept nightmare. I want to get it the fuck out of my life. I don't want anything to do with Innercept. I don't want to be here. I want out.

When the fuck did the meds I was given every help anything? Name one time I took the medication and as a result I got better, or my thinking got clearer, or something. It has never happened. Not once. The meds just fuck me up. I don't give a flying fuck I don't want to pretend they help when they don't. If you think they are helping it's like the same thing as the placebo effect. You want them to help so it affects your perception.

Despite everything I still trust my instincts. If you want me to stop, you should probably give me some drugs which put me in a coma. Or just kill me.

And leave Erik out of this. Erik has nothing to do with anything. It's me.

This life is killing me. I hate it. I hate it so much.