Innercept Fails

Ever since I went to stable a few weeks ago I've been different. It's like I have an increased amount of anger and stress.

Stable has gotten progressively worse since I've been at Innercept. Some of that is because I've moved to stages in the program where there is more freedom, but a lot of it is because they keep changing the stable program. It actually used to be kind of chill. You could hang out, chat with staff and fellow residents all day, play card and board games, chill out in the hot tub. There is still a hot tub there, but I doubt they would let residents use it. Now, stable is like a prison. It is not relaxing or therapeutic.

I associate stable with some of the worst times I have had at Innercept. To bring up feminine issues, I had my period when I first got there last time. It stopped when I got there, was gone for a week and a half, then came back the day after I got out. I blame stress.

I don't understand the reasoning behind stable. They think that if you spend time doing nothing or forced pointless labor, you will have time to reflect and come to the conclusion that whatever you were doing that got you into stable was bad. Or something like that. They don't allow most people to talk anymore. I was allowed to talk, but the other residents couldn't so the only person to talk to was staff and a lot of time they were busy. There were some staff that I liked but some had this kind of rude controlling attitude.

Speaking of which, there are some staff that act like I am fucking stupid. I don't remember why but they threatened to send me back to Maxwell. Maxwell is the first part of the program I was in, it is the girls house, the most restrictive semi-long term part of the program. It was because I wasn't being obedient. It's like dude, I'm not stupid. My parents are paying and they aren't THAT crazy with their money. That's the most expensive part of the program. And that is saying something, but Innercept is crazy expensive and not worth one penny of what it costs. But they are not going to go along with spending a crazy amount of money to send me back to Maxwell just because I was upset at that time and had a bit of an attitude and wasn't being compliant. I didn't come to Innercept to learn fucking obedience. Even if  Innercept did recommend that, which is highly unlikely because him saying this was just an empty threat, my parents wouldn't go along with it because they don't always do what Innercept recommends. And even if I really did need to go back to Maxwell, like I suddenly got worse, I was in Maxwell already for a year in a half. My parents aren't going to do something again that they have already tried and has proved ineffective.

So anyway, despite being a cabin out in the middle of nowhere, this place is stressful. The boredom makes me restless and crazy. Which makes me stressed. I was confined to the carpet in the main room. I would run around in circles for exercise. There was one girl who they punished by making her sit in the chair all day long. She wasn't allowed to get up. She wasn't allowed to talk, read, or write. Just sit there all day doing nothing.

There were days when I wasn't allowed to go to class. I didn't feel well enough to do homework. When it became obvious that I wasn't going to get out before my physics test, I wanted to study but was made to rake pine needles instead.

And then they decide the best thing to do is to move me to a different house. What is the fucking point? I didn't have enough hours. You could have just given me a warning. I missed two appointments. It was just a coincidence that these two appointments I missed were around the same time. I had missed some aftercare social outings. I didn't know that was such a big deal. Apparently it is. Apparently Innercept thinks missing social outings indicates a low level of functioning. Innercept is freaking clueless when it comes to assessing functioning. I just didn't feel like sitting through a movie. So what.

With the thing about hours, I had been getting away with having less hours for a long time. You know, a lot of times, with things like this, if I can get away with doing things I'll do them. I liked having the extra time on my hands. Innercept wasn't paying attention so I started feeling like it was no big deal. I know what it says in my aftercare plan. But I was under the impression that we were working towards a common goal: a Rachel who is functioning well. Sending me to stable was counter productive. It literally threw me off balance. It fucked with my menstrual cycles.

It was weird, because I got out of stable and I got this immense amount of pleasure from really small things. Like listening to music on the bus, or painting my nails and sipping coffee. I appreciated things things so much all of a sudden, and I could feel my head swimming with happy chemicals.

So I come home for Thanksgiving break. I have just been so irritable and angry and depressed. I have to go over to my grandma's house and the whole time I feel like I am so irritable I am about to explode. And then yesterday I was back at home and it was Thanksgiving dinner and I just feel the urge to start bitching and complaining about Innercept. And I have to stop myself, because I know if I burst out complaining and being obnoxious it is going to ruin Thanksgiving dinner. But I am stewing in anger. So I am trying to bring up the topic without saying something obnoxious, and I say, "I am going to be just fine." Meaning that I don't need Innercept to help me I will be fine. Anyway, so it ends up making my sister take off on a rant, so instead of it being me it's my sister now bitching and complaining. And so I hung my head and thought, "God dammit. What did I do?"

I am hoping that my parents will see the light about Innercept.