Bible Study

So yesterday I went to bible study again, as it was Thursday. Sitting there, listening to them talk, I was struck by thoughts of what people I know would think if they were there listening to them. I think the same way my friends do, for the most part, but for some reason I let the weirdness of this situation flow right past me.

So, in case you don't already know, I was raised in a liberal family where God was absent. My parents didn't stress the non-existence of God, it just wasn't really a subject that was discussed. Yet, as I got older, I began to realize the impact of Christianity on this country and conservative Christians. I remember closely following the 2004 election (I remember the 2000 election too and being pro-Gore but not really understanding why Bush was so bad). By the year 2004, it became clear that this president was no good. At least, I thought it was. Yet, during the 2004 election the gay marriage issue was hot, and it got the conservative Christians out to the the poles because boy they didn't want gays to marry, and while they were there they voted for Bush, tipping the election in Bush's favor. That's how I saw it. And it pissed me off.

Then in 2006 I became delusional, with delusions based on Christianity, in particular that I was the second coming. I had to endure the horror of being dragged to doctors and hospitals, while firmly maintaining the belief that I was not delusional. To me, I was like someone who was being persecuted for their religious convictions. That's what it felt like to me.

My beliefs could be shaken but they would not go away. I sat at home and read the bible. The New Testament, which I had never read before. I looked at pictures of Terri Schiavo protesters online, read about the outrage that these conservative Christians felt about Terri's feeding tube being pulled out, and I laughed. These people had it so wrong.

I don't call myself Christian. That would scare the people at my bible study, because even though I sort of incorporate Jesus' teachings into my own life (without even realizing it usually), I'm not "saved." But what I'm trying to say is, Christianity has become huge in my life, for whatever reason. Not because I favor Christianity over all other religions, but because it's the dominant religion in the United States. And it's not that I favor the United States over all other countries, but because it's where I live. And I feel this desire to do something to change the country, because Christianity in the United States isn't working, in my opinion.

There's something I do when I'm at bible study. Most of the time, I don't sit there and think, "I'm undercover as a Christian." I convince myself I actually am Christian, because I accept most of Jesus' teachings. But the thing is, I haven't been "saved." I think for myself. I value thinking for myself. And I don't think that God would put us on Earth, and then either save us or damn us to hell, based on whether or not we accept a particular story, in which the truthiness of this particular story is extremely questionable. We have the God-given gift to think, to question, to decide for ourselves, and we are doing God a disservice by refusing to use this gift and submit to blind faith. And because this is the way I think, if the people I go to bible study knew this, they would be disturbed and pray for me to change, for me to see "the light," for me to be "saved," and accept that this is God's word and everything the bible says is absolutely literally true and not to question anything that God says or does.

And I like the people at bible study, because what I value is acceptance of all different sorts of people, even though I think some of the things they say are sort of strange. I like the pastor there a lot. So this realization disturbs me.