Massages and Old Souls

So my parents and I went on an excursion to Leavenworth, Washington. My mom scheduled massages for the both of us at the hotel. Lately I've been noticing a lot of things have centered around the subject of massages. I've never had a professional massage before. I went in, not knowing what I was going to do with my mind during the massage. I could practice mindfulness, or I could search for answers in my relaxed state of mind. I decided on the latter.

Something about the setting was more conducive to looking inside one's own mind. I try to do it at home sometimes but I never get anywhere. So first I concentrated on what I was experiencing physically as the masseuse massaged my back. Then I thought about petty issues in my life, and tried to let my brain drift to the correct answer. I didn't get very far with this, and without meaning to I advanced to examining the Core Issues.

You know, I have to be careful about what I say on here because my parents and people in charge of my treatment read this. I worry that if I say anything that doesn't indicate that I agree fully that my "mental illness" was strictly the result of a chemical balance that could have been avoided, people will view me as confused and delusional and in need of a med change/increase.

That said, I got some answers that I'm not entirely sure are true but might be true. I'm sort of like a teacher. I don't know if I've mentioned it but I absolutely believe in past lives and reincarnation. I already knew that I'm an old soul. I've been told this by unreliable sources but I didn't need to be told because it was something I just intuitively knew. So anyway, I knew I was an old soul but I didn't realize the extent to which the issues I face were designed to help other people. I got a better idea of the role I played and it sort of made me uncomfortable and left me with feelings of self-pity and I left the massage place with a lump in my throat like I was about to cry. Is this what you're supposed to get out of massages?

This wasn't a typical low though, because I wasn't left thinking I was a pathetic loser who would be better off dead. That's usually what chemical lows are like for me. I started writing a blog yesterday but I stopped and decided to hold off on it to see if this feeling lasted. I wake up today and I realize that these things still seem true to me. I don't feel self-pity anymore, it's kind of cool in a way.

I'd like to get more massages.