Innercept Expectations

So for those of you who don't already know, I move into my apartment and into aftercare next Saturday. For some reason Innercept thinks I should go grocery shopping every single day. Because for some reason, they think that my schedule is filled with this infinite amount of free time. I think what they think is that if I were to buy a week's worth of food on one day, I would eat all that food that same day. But they have also suggested that I get a weekly $80 Fred Meyer card to purchase that food, and I must say I like the idea of a weekly $80 Fred Meyer card. So I'm thinking I will just take their money and gift cards and grocery shop when the need arises.

This year is my year, and I've got to do what I've got to do. I need to spend a little more time perfecting what I say in my book. I've realized that exactly what I say is extremely important and that people have this tendency to take things the wrong way. I make some statements that sound a little self-righteous towards the end and I need to change them so that people don't think I'm trying to make myself sound better than I actually am. And I wrote something that wasn't intended as a cheap shot at a certain person but I realized that it could be interpreted that way, so that must be removed. I need to yet again change the title, maybe write a synopsis, and then get started on querying again. And I prefer working at a leisurely pace, so all these things will take time. And for some reason Innercept thinks that if I have internet in my apartment I will stay up all night on the internet.

I also need to read up on different things. But Innercept thinks I have the time to spend two hours a day with a mentor. And then I have to sit through the therapy sessions several times a week where I sit there and smile and say nothing. And ride the bus all the way around town because I have to provide my own transportation.

In conclusion, Innercept thinks I have a lot more time than I actually have.

A Healthy Dose of Doubt

So... I've been reading the bible. So far I've read Matthew, Mark, and most of Luke. I've read Matthew before, but I realize that I've forgotten a lot of it. I entered into this project with an open mind, thinking that Jesus was a good fellow. But I've gotten flustered and I don't know what I think. Actually, I do know what I think. I know that this concept of "faith" kind of puzzles me. Jesus likes to say "you of little faith." He says this repeatedly, he mentions faith over and over and over again. I entered into this project thinking that Jesus preached a message of love and forgiveness, which is one I would agree with. He does preach this, but he also preaches a message of blind (or visually impaired) belief in something you have no proof of. Boy, does that bring back memories! (don't ask what I mean by that, because even people who know me might not know what I'm talking about). On top of that, if you don't have this faith, you are destined to an eternity of torment.

Anyway, I know what I'm thinking now isn't anything that hasn't been said before. A loving god wouldn't expect this of you. One thing that experience has taught me again and again is that there is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of doubt. I believe that God exists, and that the inherent nature of the universe is good. But skepticisim is a good thing. I am actually a very honest person, I really hate lying, and I think that's one of the reasons why I am so trusting of what people say. But a lesson I've had to learn the hard way is that people often times don't tell the truth. So why would God want me to go against what life experiences have taught me? I can see the virtue of having faith, if you have faith in a person who you have built a relationship with. But I see no reason to have faith in a book. So if God were to send me to hell because I don't accept Jesus as my savior, he is punishing me because I learned my lesson.

Still, this topic intrigues me. I want to learn more about religion, metaphysics, nonbelievers and their arguments, philosopy, etc. I still have yet to fully formulate an opinion on these matters. The best way of formulating an opinion, I think, is by exposing yourself to as many different view points as possible, and by keeping an open mind.

Dependability

So, I sit here, chewing a piece of nicotine gum, and I am suffering from some massive writer's block. I like things that are dependable. That's why I like drugs. Everytime I chew a piece of nicotine gum, I know it will make me feel slightly better. It's not an intense high, but I've always preferred mild highs to intense highs. Some people say it's bad to be dependent on drugs, even legal drugs, but what else is there to depend on? I can't depend on people. Fuck relationships. And then you can like someone, and not be in a relationship with them, and you might think they like you because they act a certain way to you, but maybe they just act that way towards everyone. So asking people out is a risk. And on top of that, I'm in a program. So there's really no telling what's going to happen. But I know that everyone deals with rejection, so if I just don't even bother because there's that possibility, I'm being a freaking coward. Otherwise I wouldn't even be considering it. But I envy people in happy relationships, and that's the only way to get into a happy relationship. Anyway...

And then there are my feelings about the future. For some reason I feel that this is my lucky year. Except that I know, funny feelings can be incredibly unreliable. So there's that uncertainty. And I know that when it comes to getting advice/opinions/predictions from other sources, like psychics whom you have to pay, you really just shouldn't even bother. I've said this before. Never, never, never bother with psychics. Yet, I was the one filling out a special request not long ago to see a psychic.

You can depend on the past. Yet even that may never have even happened. So I guess, the only thing you can be certain of is this present moment. And right now, this present moment kind of sucks.

The Inexplicable Need to Study the Bible

I don't even know where to start because there have been so many things on my mind lately: family-wise, relationship-wise, and book-wise. I listed those in order of heaviness, starting with least heavy to most heavy. So first and foremost comes my book, and what comes with it. And right now, with it comes an inexplicable need to study the bible.

So I got in a discussion with an unnamed person the other day. This unnamed person told me that she doesn't vote or follow politics because it is part of her philosophy that goes back to when she was a kid, and her parents raised her on Jesus' teachings, one of them being "be no part of the world." So apparently, they interpreted this to mean be no part of politics and stay completely out of all of those matters. Now I'm no expert on Jesus' message but I have a fair amount of knowledge on the subject, and I was pretty sure that Jesus wouldn't say that. So I got out my handy-dandy bible and told her to show me where he said that. She couldn't find it, and ended up looking it up online. The passage was in John, and she gave me the line number so I could read it, and it said something like "they are not part of the world, as I am not part of this world." Looking at this line in context, I told her that what Jesus was probably trying to say was that he is not a part of this world because he is God. This unnamed person looked at it, and agreed that that was probably what Jesus meant after all. So that settled that.

But anyway, the feeling that I needed to study the bible actually started before that, and it came out of nowhere. So right now I have a New International Version, which is an easy to understand translation. I've decided that I will read and re-read and re-read it, focusing on the New Testament, mainly the four gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Then I will get as many other translations as I can find, and read them, focusing on those same four books, comparing and contrasting differences, until I know what Jesus said backwards and forwards. This is what I will do.

At least, this is what I think I might do, between working on getting published, doing classwork, maintaining a social life, watching the O'Reilly factor (if I get cable), and whatever other obligations I might have.

Drugs, Experimentation, and Scare Tactics that Brainwash

I had a conversation with my mom today about various topics, one of the topics was my book. We didn't talk about it but I was thinking about the reasons why it's okay to say things that aren't necessarily flattering about yourself in your book. No, there's nothing in my book that actually embarrasses me (that I haven't removed). But, people who read my book will realize that I'm not perfect and that I have made mistakes.

My mind wandered some more throughout the day, and then landed on the subject of drugs. In general, I respect people more who have tried drugs than people who haven't. Particularly people who have been to the bottom and then climbed their way back up. I respect someone like this a lot more than someone who has stayed away from drugs all their life. I respect people who have made mistakes and have had to overcome trials a lot more than people who have been at the top their whole life.

But, back to the subject of merely trying drugs. It's not that I don't respect people who haven't tried drugs. But here's what mildly annoys me: when people act like they are better than me because I've tried drugs and they haven't. A certain housemate who shall remain unnamed was looking at my home pass agreement and laughing because it said that I must refrain from alcohol or drug use, because his never says that, because he's never done drugs.

So here's what I'm thinking but I don't say out loud. I was once like you. I was once one of them goody two-shoe kids who thought I would never try drugs. But then guess what happened? I grew up! It all goes back to the 8th grade, when something happened that I won't mention because it's top secret book information. The schools and the media try to scare kids about drugs. They try to brainwash you into associating the word "drugs" with something horrible and bad. That's why they get mad at my program when I call my medications drugs. Because they try to maintain that association in your mind of drugs with scary images of homeless meth addicts with sunken cheek bones, scabs, and missing teeth. They don't want you to equate the drugs they give you with the drugs on the street, when in actuality some of them aren't that different from each other.

Here's the truth: most people in the world have tried drugs, and most of them didn't get addicted. There's a chance that you might get addicted, and that's the reason that they try to scare you into staying away from drugs. If you're someone who has a family history of addiction, or you know that you have an addictive personality, and that's the reason that you stay away from drugs, then I can respect that. What I don't respect is people who think they're better than me because they continue to buy into the scare tactics that the schools and the media have used to try to get them to stay away from drugs. These people have been brainwashed.

I don't regret trying drugs. I've had experiences on drugs that I value. Sure, my experiences may have been due to chemicals. But guess what, every experience you have is the result of chemicals! Who cares if they naturally occur in the brain or not? I have had realizations on drugs about things I would not have realized otherwise, and they have permanently changed my views on the world. When I have kids, I will be honest and tell them that I've tried drugs.

The truth is, for the most part, trying a drug once or a few times or using it for a short period of time probably isn't going to cause very much damage at all. What is damaging is chronic use. I know some people who simply don't like drugs, my sister is one of them, and there's nothing wrong with that, actually that's a good thing. I used to abuse cough syrup a lot, but then I got tired of feeling stupid like my brain was in a fog and I couldn't think straight. I see a lot of value in being sober. But I also see a lot of value in experimenting with drugs. And that's what I think.

Thank you for listening.

2012: My Next Big Year

So my home pass is drawing to a close... and I must say it's been a good one. I feel that the year 2012 holds a lot of promise for me. My mom said she feels the same way. Not only that, but my cookie told me that today also. I got the fortune, "You will soon be confronted with unlimited opportunities."

I came home thinking I would work on getting published in a magazine. I thought maybe Psychology Today (there's a two-minute memoir section). Then I read they don't accept personal stories of psychological disorders or recovery. So I guess they actually LIKE the crap they usually publish in that section. Hmm.

Anyway, I found a magazine that does accept that kind of thing, and it's called The Sun. Note the "The." There is a trashy magazine called Sun out there, and it's not the same thing. I believe that's the magazine that I saw the headline not too long ago that said: "Alien Skull Found - and It Talks!" So anyway, I printed out my article, and prepared it with and SASE to be sent off to The Sun magazine. I will send it when I go back to Idaho.

I've actually spent most of my vacation working. Of course, it doesn't feel like working because it's actually been fun. First I read through my book again, doing some minor editing, and removing one particular section. Then I gave all the chapters titles (which took awhile because there are 60 of them). Then I went through and changed everyone's names. Finally, I read through it one last time, just to double check everything.

I've also been working on a new query letter. I had written a new one following feedback I had received from one writing site in particular. So I expanded on this one, making it more interesting. Then I found a new writing site (I didn't want to go back to the old one for reasons I don't want to get into), and posted it. I received very positive feedback on it. They suggested a few minor changes, and told me that my book sounded very marketable and told me that agents would probably yank it right up. Previously, on the other site, I got responses to my other queries like: "If I were the agent I wouldn't be able to hit delete quick enough." I don't think it's because these people are going easy on me though, this query is just a great deal better. That's why it's important to get other peoples' opinions on query letters if you are trying to get published, preferably fellow writers. Sometimes you don't realize the impression that your query would make.

So anyway, I'll be back in Idaho on Wednesday, and then hopefully moving into my apartment for good shortly after that.