Passion

It was during this month five years ago that my life was turned inside out.

I don't know why it happened. But one thing I know is that I'm not ashamed of it and I don't wish that it hadn't happened. Sure, I've experienced some unpleasant things. But I also experienced some amazing things. It shook the ground beneath my feet, launched me through the air, changed the way I see the world and there is no going back to the way I was before. I don't know how to describe what happened and how it changed me, because there's simply no way to explain it and really do it justice. Good or bad, I'm passionate about the life I've lived. And I feel blessed that I can say that. I feel blessed that there is something in my life I can say I feel passionate about and really, really mean it. And I feel so strange saying that I feel blessed about something that a lot of people might say was negative.

There are certain things that burn me up. One of those things is my parents, and how they talk about how hard my "mental illness" has been on them. It's been hard on me too! And if it wasn't for them and the way they acted, it wouldn't have been nearly as hard. But mostly it burns me up because this is my life. Because I don't know who I'd be if this hadn't happened to me. I'd probably be boring, a nobody. So I don't want to hear them complain about my life. And I don't want to hear them say that it was brought on because I couldn't handle the stress of college life, because I know that's not it, and I know that things happen for a reason. No, I don't know why this happened. But I feel sure that on some level I planned this, that I was up for this challenge and that in the end this will lead to good things.

The other thing that burns me up is that I know that other people would not understand. They might think negative things about me. Because I must admit, this whole thing makes me look pretty freaking strange. But if they were me and they lived my life, they would understand, and they would know that this isn't something to be ashamed of. Because everything I did was logical and rational if you see it from my perspective. Yes, there were times when my thinking got a bit irrational. And there are things I regret, mostly things I regret saying. And it eats me up, but I try my best to move past it and focus on the things I don't regret. It makes me angry thinking about what people might think, but it's a passionate sort of anger that drives me and gives me the desire to prove myself.

This isn't over yet. Through out my life I've been trudging along, following a path that was set out for me. I thought I had reached the end of the path five years ago when this happened (because it wasn't the beginning). After that, more stuff happened and then I realized that it hadn't been the end, I was still on the path. Then my delusions ended and I thought that was the end of the path. But now I realize there is still more, and I am still following this path. I don't know where it leads, but I will continue to follow it to see where I end up. And hopefully, I will be glad I did.