Driven

I've been feeling funny for the past few months. Funny in a spiritual way. It started back in December, when I got this odd feeling like something was going to happen. Then it turned into a push. And I knew I needed to work on getting my book published. See, I wrote a memoir about my strange life. I feel that saying my life is strange is a huge understatement, but lately I've had this problem where I struggle to find the right word.

Which brings me to my next problem. Writing. I desperately need to write, write, write. And then submit everything anywhere and everywhere, so that I am out there and I am published and people know who I am. Then these agents I've been querying might send me more than a form rejection letter. I've gotten nine so far, which isn't really that many rejections for a hopeful author, but there is no sign that my luck is going to change, except for this feeling that I have, this strange sense of knowing that in the end I will be published and people will know who I am. But one thing that I've learned is that strange feelings can be unreliable.

So I've been experiencing a bit of writer's block, which in itself is something I can write about so writing this is actually helping. Actually, I wrote a piece the other day which I thought was good. Good enough to be published in a magazine? I don't know, but it's worth a shot. I was feeling inspired that day but inspiration isn't something that's always plentiful, I sort of wish they would bottle inspiration, which they do actually in the form of a mocha frappuccino. Problem is I live at a residential program and I don't have a lot of money, and they cost close to three dollars each. And now my brain is starting to go off on a tangent about the invigorating spirit lifting combination of chocolate and coffee.

The fact that I live in a residential program doesn't help things, because they're picky about when I can use my computer. I don't know the logic behind this. Actually, I don't understand the logic behind a lot of their rules. I think it's because they've had some porn addicts in the past, which makes no sense because even if I did get the internet in my room, I wouldn't look at porn. It's kind of lame and boring, in my opinion. And off I go on another tangent.

And at this point I am distracted because the guy across from me at the table is listening to music through headphones but I can hear it, it's the song "Where's your head at?" by the Basement Jaxx and it brings me back to freshman year of high school when I used to watch music videos on MTV, and they had that song and there were a bunch of monkeys and I think they captured humans and they were going to operate on them and switch heads with them or something like that. And it reminds me of how my mom was so worried about me that year because she thought I had an eating disorder. I remember going to the mall, which was near one of my doctors and drinking smoothies and my mom asking the lady if there were any boosts that would add more fat to the smoothie. It's weird how music can do that you, it can bring back random memories of time periods you had forgotten about. Scents do the same thing.

So anyway, I'm feeling so driven that I am paralyzed and can't do anything because I don't know what to do next, I'd like to get my article published in Psychology Today but I feel that that might be a bit ambitious for an
unknown author. But then again, I did get a fortune cookie that said I would be successful in my endeavors, and that just might be the spirits' way of telling me that I'm on the right track.