The Onslaught of the Words

Every day of my life is a fight against the constant onslaught of words.

Words hurt me. But I'm not talking about insults. I'm talking about seemingly innocent words. These are words that I have used, words that remind me of things. Sometimes, they remind me of things that are embarrassing. But mostly they just remind me of things that aren't embarrassing but seem embarrassing to me because for me everything is embarrassing.

So I am armed with my comfort word: spirits. Spirits is a good word. It works because it reminds me of something funny. I don't actually laugh when I say the word spirits, saying it only makes me think of something subconsciously and then I feel better. If I actually start thinking of it consciously, I will start laughing. Out loud. It works every time.

And yes, I do say spirits out loud. How loud I say it depends on how badly I am triggered. Sometimes I say it loudly and people look at me, but I don't care. I just smile and laugh to myself. I laugh at how weird I am.

But I don't let people know what my trigger words are, because then they might use them against me. So usually there is a bit of a delay. I am triggered, I wait a few moments and then say spirits. One time a guy was convinced that bench was one of my trigger words. I'll tell you a secret: it's not. I have no emotional reaction whatsoever to the word bench. If I did, I wouldn't be telling you this. Because it really hurts hearing these words. And they are very common words. It makes me mad how easily I am triggered.

So that's why I am known as the spirit girl. Because I say spirits all the time. I also sometimes say spirates, because that works too. I made up the word spirates. It works because it is close to the word spirits.

I say it like this usually: Sssssss... pirits.

The spirits I am reminded of are fictional, but there are real spirits. These spirits have had a great impact on my life. Other people know the spirits are real, but they disagree about how they have affected my life. My life has been tampered with, but other people think I am just mentally ill.

I used to think sometimes that I was just mentally ill. Those were times when I had forgotten. I try not to forget. I haven't always been in a sound state of mind, but I am now. Ask my parents, I am. And in my sound state of mind I can look at my life and think critically about it, and it is clear to me that my life has been tampered with.

But that should be the subject of another blog post.