Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 97

What is that? Your face? It looks like it doesn't understand what faces meant. Funny, hahahha. It doesn't know what it's doing up there. HAhaha. That's not it. It believes it is not what it thinks a face is, because it does not understand what faces do. hahhaha I'm delirious.

When it was over, I went to my friend's house. On the way, I saw images of assholes and butt cracks that belonged to my dad. Over and over again, in and out of my mind, these thoughts went through, perpetrated by Alfred. He was raging pissed. When I asked why he was doing this, he said, “You are mine. You don't fall for someone else. I mean it. You are mine. You are mine. You are mine. I can do whatever I want to you, and if I want to make you miserable, I will make you miserable. You are mine. You are mine. If you ever want out, that's too bad. It's over. We are doing the Pussycat Brawl, and that's final. You can't back out. It is too late. You are mine. You are mine. If you ever decide to betray me, you will never again live to see the day when you are young and beautiful, I will burn you so badly you will never be loved again.”

I sat up by the bus stop, and talked about Michael Jackson. He told me this is what he used to go through, after he was molested by his father. Afterwards, images would go through his mind of the ordeal, and he would be in denial. Did that really happen? Yes, and that was the difference between what I was going through and what he was going through. With me, nothing really happened, just Alfred putting images in my mind. With him, it was something perverted his father had done to him.

The bus arrived, and I got on. As I sat down, the torture suddenly ceased. My guides told me they were subduing him, to stop him from causing more torment. They were sick of this. They kept telling me, over and over again, don't give in to him. This is for his spiritual growth, not yours. You don't have to do anything.

On the bus ride, he came back and started putting images in my head again. He said he was having a tough time. I told him he was a beautiful soul, and tried my best to mean it, and did. He said he was worried he was going too far, but he didn't want to back down on this one. It made him so mad to see me and Robin together, it made him raging mad. He hadn't done anything to Robin, however. He liked Robin still, because they were in a romantic partnership. He expected me to only love him. I asked him if this was hypocritical, and he said, the Pussycat Brawl is hypocritical!

I told him I loved him, and he said, yeah, sure, whatever. I told him I also enjoyed Robin's company, and he said he liked Robin too but not in the way I think I do. He said I wanted him for his Earthly sex appeal, and he wanted him for something else there was no Earth word for. We fought bitterly, and quarreled. When we were done, he kept putting images in my head, several times what he had done before. He started putting images of crap in my head, going into my mouth, my mouth covered with crap, and then, he simulated me being sexually stimulated by this. I was repulsed beyond belief at this. I couldn't believe he would do this to me.

“Can this warp my sexuality, in the same way being molested warps kids sexuality?” I asked my guides.

No, not at all. It will only warp your sexuality if you get off to it. We suggest you don't masturbate until we have this situation taken care of, my guides said to me.

When I got home, I went out to dinner with my dad. I was sitting in the restaurant as Alfred spoke in my ear, subconsciously. He told me he had powers I didn't know about, the power to make me touch my dad against my will, obviously in a sexual way.

As soon as he said that, I immediately got up with force. He laughed and said he was only joking, why don't you sit back down? I didn't know if he was telling the truth or not, I didn't think so, but didn't want to risk it. This was not something I could explain to anyone else besides Erik.

On the way home, Alfred did something to my energy to make it feel like I was sending sexual energy to my dad. He kept warping my energy in his direction, trying to connect it with his in a sexual way, not doing anything, and I only knew this because I asked my guides. He did not have the power to do anything like that. Most souls do not have much power over their silia.

I asked what was happening up there? Down here it's pretty tough. Robin told me they were working hard on disconnecting Alfred, he was not learning. They kept subduing him, and when they subdued him, he was in horrible horrible agony, and the attacks would stop, temporarily. They could only do so for so long without causing permanent damage to the soul. When they stopped, he would start right back up again attacking me. They were working every trick they had in the drawer to help get him away from me.

I told him if he continued, the Pussycat Brawl was off. Stop now, or else it's off. Stop! What means more to you, the Pussycat Brawl, or petty revenge? Do you care about the Pussycat Brawl? We can still do it, unless you don't stop!

He said the Pussycat Brawl meant more to him. He wasn't willing to give that up. He wanted me to bend over backwards for him and give up my relationship with Robin. Do that, or else he'll continue. The Pussycat Brawl is still on or else I will make sure you are attacked brutally when you get back to heaven.

Okay, it's off, I said. I took off the bullet necklace, vowing to never wear it again.

This made him so angry he didn't know what to do with himself. He used the crap one constantly, when that one didn't tickle his fancy anymore, he switched it up with images of me eating my dad's shit. Over and over again, in and out, I walked around the neighborhood. I found the only thing that helped was singing along to the songs I was listening to. It helped a little bit, not a lot. So I walked around the neighborhood constantly, and sang as loud as I could.

It got really bad, to the point where I didn't know what to do. Finally, I decided to make a facebook status.

Please pray for me for I am in a time of crisis.

After I did so, I immediately felt better. Writing facebook statuses releases happy chemicals in my brain, and also, I got good energy from a lot of people about that status. I got a lot of people calling out to me on the spiritual plane, asking me what was going on, is this a joke? No, it's not a joke. I don't write phony prayer requests. It is urgent. I told them it was a spiritual attack.

Bill O'Reilly was watching, subconsciously, because you can do that. A very small, low portion of peoples' awareness can be used to watch other people. He suggested I see a spiritual leader, like a pastor, or a chaplain, to see if there was anything they could do about this. I told him it was useless. This was something that was way outside their realm of understanding, and they could do nothing about it. I just had to wait for my spirit guides to finish unattaching us.

At night, I paced. I couldn't go to bed because of something my guides were doing to me. I was told to stay up all night again, one last time. Alfred asked me if I was really going to give up the Pussycat Brawl. I thought, damn straight, but I asked my silia self anyway.

“You bet it's off, and the whole attached at the hip thing is off too! We are unattaching after this! I can't believe you would do something to me like this while I am on Earth, in the middle of an important mission, just because you are horny! God dammit, I wish I had known this sooner, so I would never have gotten attached to you in the first place! It's off! It's all off!”

Alfred cried. “Baby, it's not off! We can still do it, all of it! I'm just mad! You know I have a temper problem, it's really an issue between us! We need time, help, therapy, whatever... But please, don't back down on the Pussycat Brawl!”

“Oh God, you care more about the Pussycat Brawl than you do about me!” I screamed.

“Yes, but I care about you too! Honest!”

I was beyond disgusted, and Alfred kept flooding my mind with images of poop going down my throat. It was horrible and repulsive. He tried to do other things too, like make me feel hungry when I wasn't, and force me to take me nicotine gum out of my mouth the second I started chewing it because I hated doing that, it wasn't the same later. Dumb shit like that.

It was Sunday, and my mom told me it was time to clean out the cat boxes. I told her there is no way in hell I am doing that this week, I'm not doing that anymore. She went on a little tirade about how selfish and immature I was and how I needed to pull my own, everyone hates cleaning out the cat boxes, you don't hate it anymore than anyone else! I laughed and cried and told her no.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 96

Facebook. Why do we use it? To become better at loving one another? Or to annoy people with chain garbage obnoxious filth? I think Facebook should be used for more things like pretending you enjoy pastimes like frisbee golf, peraugte, and lunar landings. Distance yourself from the ush... You believe it to be ok if your friend wanted dot dot swish dot but she is not going to leave her mind without a fight you are mine sugar plum dot apostrophe weird zombie girl William hung peeyoo smells good one carbohydrates eat carbohydrates you believe in fairies too Sylvia one iPhone believe you have the power to change everything with you...

We went out for sushi, my family and I. At the restaurant, I was looking the other way. When I looked back, my teacup slid across the table, of its own accord.

Make way! She is about to be my girl! Alfred said to me, and I laughed. I was impressed. They could do things like this? It was like they were in touch with the supernatural powers of the universe!

After we got back, we sat in the family room. I spoke from the subconscious mind:

“My love for Robin... We get along. He told me, if I ever catch you not brushing your teeth, I will make you spit out of your mouth until you cannot understand why you can't brush your teeth.”

I asked myself, what does that mean? Spit out your mouth?

“It means, something along the lines of, have me give him oral, Rachel,” I said sardonically. “But after that, he said he would never let me eat food without semen on it. He said, Rachel, you are a lover of semen. You should eat all your foods with semen! I thought this seemed a bit nasty, but he told me that women should eat semen, because it is a hell of a lot better than whatever else they put in their mouths.”

I loved this. This was so much fun. I got up, and went for a walk. As we walked, I had a vulgar discussion about sex with Heath, Robin, and myself. After awhile, I noticed that Alfred kept doing something mean to me. He was putting a bit of energy into my ass, and then sticking it in my mouth repeatedly. I wondered what this was about. Robin was also doing something mean. He had a reiki energy center, and he had it positioned permanently right above my asshole. When I asked him about this, he told me he wanted there to be a butt problem. He liked the idea of a butt problem. When he gets tired of putting the energy center there, he wanted my wiring problem to act up and put a bit of energy there too, thus creating a butt problem. He thought that was hot. God, Robin Williams was such a pervert.

I asked Alfred what was up. He said he was unhappy with me. I noticed something else, he had put a feeling around my body, the energy of a really fat girl I saw at camp one time, to annoy me into feeling fat. He told me he needed time and space to recover from this little wild marathon he was doing on me, so he would be back from spirit sex in awhile. He did not go. He stayed and did the ass to mouth thing. He knew I hated the idea of ass to mouth, and that's why he did it.

I thought it was gnarly. I was getting annoyed. I sat down on the sidewalk and tried to talk to him. He told me he was mad at me, because I said I would rather have the Pussycat Brawl with Robin. I was not serious, I did not even know what it meant, I told him. We decided to talk it out. I told him I loved him, cared deeply about him, but right now, I had a spell over me. It made me love Robin more than I loved him, for the time being. When the spell was removed, it would take a couple weeks for it to go away. Until then, I was more wrapped up with Robin. Okay?

He said he believed me, he didn't think it was a good reason. It hurt his feelings and he was mad at me for loving Robin in addition. He was going to continue doing it until I learned my lesson. The lesson being that I could only have feelings for him.

Someone else interjected. “Polyamory is no big whoop in the spirit world. It is easy to understand why he would get jealous, but not why he would try to cause you harm. Do not put up with this, Salioness. He is being a doofus.”

So I kept walking, kept talking to Robin about sex, and kept having a good time. All the while, Alfred kept doing this ass to mouth thing on me.

The next morning, I got up. I went on a walk around the loop again. All the while, Alfred kept doing the ass to mouth thing, and sapping my energy a little bit as he did it. It was getting really, really annoying. I asked him what he wanted. He said he wanted me to grovel. So, I did. I went home and grovelled. I really didn't want to, but I did anyway. That's what I did. Then, I was walking to the store, when suddenly, he drained a whole bunch of a certain life force with one fall swoop. I got mad. I started screaming at the sky.

“WELL?! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? YOU WANT ME TO BE ANGRY AT YOU?! YOU WANT ME TO SCREAM AT THE SKY LIKE A LUNATIC?! THERE YOU GO, YOU GET YOUR DESIRE!!”

I was at an intersection, and I did this in front of a bunch of cars. No one sent me bad energy, at least, not very much. No one seemed to care.

I went to the energy drink store, fuming, and low on a certain energy. My guides scrambled to do work on me to replace the energy, and shield me from Alfred. They were trying to disconnect his power over me. They had already disconnected his ability to pull certain cords, like the ones to my lungs. He could not try to kill me anymore, they disconnected that ability. But there was lots and lots of things he could do, and he would do, if he had the shot, which he did.

I was so mad, I had done everything I had thought he wanted me to do, I had grovelled even. He wanted me to break it off with Robin. He wanted to be my one and only, and that's what the Pussycat Brawl meant, he told me. It meant he was my only romantic partner.

I went in my parent's room, to get my medication and nicotine gum. As I waited, my dad went into the room to the safe. I got an image in my head. An image of his gaping asshole under his clothes. It was so awful, so disturbing, I got out of there as quickly as possible.

I thought I had myself under control. I thought it would be okay. But when I left, and I got to my room, I started screaming. I went outside, still screaming.

“DO YOU WANT ME TO KILL MYSELF?! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?! BECAUSE YOU ARE LEAVING ME NO OTHER OPTION!!! I CAN'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, ABOUT THIS MENTAL TORTURE!! IS THAT WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO GET ME TO DO?! BECAUSE I WON'T DO IT, BUT I MIGHT IF THIS CONTINUES!!”

Alfred laughed a disgusting laugh. He said he was just trying to erase the sexual tension between us. I got so disgusted I thought I was going to barf, both from the imagery and the disgusting things Alfred started saying to me about me and my dad.

Okay, let's do a symbolic act! I said. The Pussycat Brawl is still on. So here's a stick, I am going to put it on the Centerpointe sign, to represent the continuing of the idea of the Pussycat Brawl.

I did that, and I did another symbolic act, to represent that it was still on.

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 95

Chicken salad for lunch?! Woah! Could this day get any better?

Well, well, well, Alfred said. Looks like you need some help deciphering my lingo!

What do you mean, Alfred?

I've been trying to tell you something and you won't listen! Alfred screamed. We love your sexual exploits! They are cute! We love Ted, we love the way you let men fling you around like a sex doll... We love the way you let Erik use you. We love it!

I blushed. Wow. This was going on an awkward direction.

We joked around about different sexual scenarios, and laughed. Then, Alfred brought something up I didn't want him bringing up. We talked about the time I went down on Erik, and said something weird afterwards about liking it.

Oooh! That's what you're into, is it! Robin screamed.

Stop! I thought it was cute! I blushed.

Ooooh! Sounds like she likes the cock! Robin kept harassing me.

I didn't mean it that way! I screamed.

Ooohh!! Ooooohh! We love it, Rachel! Robin yelled.

Then, they brought up a thought I had in the seventh grade about another guy.

Oooohh! Sounds like you like him, Rachel! Robin yelled.

Shut up! I actually didn't care! I just wanted to like men! I yelled back.

Wow!! She likes men!! Sounds like you should contact this guy and hook up!

Then, Alfred told him something I was thinking, about how I liked Robin in a sexual way.

Ohhh!!! She likes me in a sexual way!!! Robin yelled.

What the hell? You already knew that!

It was funny the way you thought it, though. I never knew you had those types of feelings for me! I'm flattered, really... But I'm not into that. I'm into other things.

What are you into?

Dominant male, submissive femme.

I hate how you listen to Lady Gaga, Alfred said. The dominant female energy is through the roof. I don't want you listening to any songs with dominant female energy. It might give you ideas.

I sat outside, on the curb. As I was sitting there, Alfred said, “Big whoop!”

What? I said.

Something you were thinking subconsciously, about how it's actually better for the woman to be in charge.

The funny thing was it was a microcosm thought, a thought that was in the slush pile of thoughts that didn't matter. We discussed the importance of disregarding microcosm thoughts, as they had no basis in what a person actually believed or wanted.

Alfred was mad at me. “I know you think you want it dominant male, submissive femme, but I'm not sure. Maybe we should talk to the silia self again, just to make sure she hasn't changed her mind about the Pussycat Brawl.”

You know she hasn't! I screamed. He was so insecure about this god damn Pussycat Brawl. He wanted me to check after every little thing. He kept telling me, he didn't know the silia thoughts. Well you know what, I didn't know what the precious silia thoughts were either, and I was fine with that. I thought the Pussycat Brawl was a good idea, on some level. On other levels, I had my doubts.

It was Halloween. We walked around outside. After I went around my normal loop, Robin said he had a song for me. The song was Thriller by Michael Jackson. A classic Halloween song.

I thought vaguely to myself, Thriller on Halloween, how trite.

Alfred told Robin what I was thinking. Robin laughed really hard.

But Thriller's a classic! He said.

I know, I didn't really think there was anything wrong with that. My brain, you know...

I know, that's why it's funny! Blast from the past! When I had my cocaine brain, everyone sounded trite, no matter what they said. It is obnoxious being embarrassed all the times, I can imagine, I didn't really have that problem. Instead, everyone sounded trite and dumb all the time. It's obnoxious, because using your marbles, you know they didn't say anything trite or dumb. But it sounds trite or dumb to you, because of some missing neurotransmitters. It's really obnoxious, being annoyed with everyone for being dumb all the time.

I laughed. It was interesting to be able to connect with Robin Williams on this level, about things like this.

It was all over the news, how Robin Williams had Parkinson's Disease. You'd think if you met him, he would have something more interesting to talk about than Parkinson's Disease.

Yeah, that's trite, isn't it? Let me tell you, it was a big issue! My Parkinson's Disease! The love of my life was acting, and now, it was really difficult because you keep making movements you don't intend to make! I was going to have to give it up! It's not trite, it was a big issue! That's part of the reason I killed myself!

I laughed. I didn't really think it was trite, but my cocaine brain was acting up.

We went back to the house and lay down. The next morning, I had to walk to the store to buy watermelon. Ever since I had reached this part of the ascension process, and I was still ascending, it took time to get on the right plane, I had to be very careful to get enough nutrients. There was something in watermelon that was absolutely essential.

I went to the store, bought watermelon, and sat down outside. Now, Alfred was making fun of my subconscious thoughts. I screamed. “What is it now? What did I think? Now, I don't even have any peace of mind! You make fun of my conscious thoughts, but that's not enough for you, is it? You also have to make fun of my subconscious thoughts! It's a lose-lose situation!”

I walked home, and Alfred told Robin every little thought I had. Whenever I had a thought, I had to immediately assess it to see if it was embarrassing or not. If it was, I had to tell Alfred not to tell Robin. I begged and pleaded with him, “Don't tell Robin!” Of course, it was my begging and pleading that made him tell Robin. It was a never-ending battle, but my guides told me, this is helping your spiritual growth. You are going through a massive growth spurt right now, and this is helping! So I was okay with it, for that reason.

Guess what time it is! Time to masturbate!

Oh no, in front of Robin? Do I have to?

Yes, it will make you feel a lot better! My guides told me.

I got out my vibrator and turned on some porn and started masturbating. As I was lying there, trying to get off, my thoughts drifted off to that day at the park, with the wonky beef jerky penis, the wonky hat, and all that fabulous wonk. I got off, when I thought of that.

Excellent! Robin said. I liked how you thought of me! That's what I want you to think about!

We enjoyed the show, Sugar Plum, Alfred said, laughing at my jokes about how he needed more wonky dicks in the room of love.

Later, I talked to God. He said it was normal, in this state of the brain integration process, and going through puberty, to have wonk as a fetish. It will normalize with time.

Burn Like Jesus: Ch. 94

What is the name of your happy willing partner? You are a lovely party goer. We know your lovely wedding guests. But we do not enjoy the marvelous friendship between you and your groom. He believes in radioactive transmission of thoughts. You believe in dollar sign click click. We don't click with either one. Believe in melatonin production. Rachel take your prescription pills earlier to rev up melatonin production. Eat the nuisance without the money saving bold inner world of Rachel Zuhl.

When do you like to eat breakfast? Robin asked me.

In the morning, after I get up, I replied without understanding why he asked.

That's when the Mormons know who made it out of their hell experiment, Robin said. He was referring to my sleep/hell problem.

I snortled. Well, at least you can stop telling me I need to eat more ice cream, and remove my mind from your issues!

No, no, no. Not more ice cream, more whipped toppings and such...

I snortled and fell back on the bed. I loved Robin, he was awesome.

Sorry so soggy, Robin said, without mentioning why he was apologizing.

Why are you apologizing? I asked.

Bad ice cream joke, he whispered.

I got up and belched. Then, I farted. Robin screamed and cried. Then he told me not to worry about flatulence, it was of no consequence.

I got up and walked to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and began taking a shit. I got so self-conscious I wanted to scream, for a million spirits were watching both my body and my mind's movements as I took this dump.

Don't worry, Robin said. It's not okay to be self-conscious when everyone is watching your slightest move, he said.

Will it ever end?

Sorry so soggy, he said.

I think that phrase is kind of dumb. It's not a big deal though.

I do too, but I think it is funny, Robin said.

I walked to the other end of the house and made a bed on the couch. I sat on the bed and started sleeping.

In the morning, I got up. Alfred said something to me about Robin. They were not good friends, in fact, they were not friends at all. Alfred's speech impediment had acted up and made him say something to Robin that he didn't want to say, and it had rubbed Robin the wrong way.

Well, you should try making it up to him, I told Alfred. He's a great guy, Robin.

Yeah, I know. But he's a dipshit. He made fun of me for being smart and stuff with women....

He probably didn't make fun of you for that, he made fun of you for being a whore.

Same difference.

Anyway, I think Robin has to go find someone else to love, because he does not know where to mannerisms are that create androgynous companionship... I said slyly.

You are right, said Alfred, and we chuckled.

We talked about the Pussycat Brawl. I asked Robin what he thought of it.

I think it's mean. I don't understand why you'd want to do that with someone, unless you wanted them to be suffering all the time and mad at you for something you did, and you didn't want others to love you, and you were weird in the head and had problems... Robin told me. It's not what you guys said. Not everyone finds that kind of thing appealing. I don't.

Why that little.... Alfred screeched. First he pisses me off my insulting me, now he is insulting the Pussycat Brawl... I am going to get that mother fucker and tie him down and force-feed him Robin's own vomit... he was livid.

Oh, relax, I screamed. You don't want anyone to say anything bad about it ever. But guess what, my home is on the other side too, so it is okay to get a balanced perspective, because I will at some point! I was livid.

You're right, Sugar Plum. Just pisses me off as all.

Sorry so soggy, Robin said.

It's okay, you don't have to say that! I told Robin.

I didn't say that, sugar pie. That wasn't me.

Huh, who said that, then?

I looked around, but no one responded.

I got up to go for my morning walk, ate breakfast, and drank some coffee. On the way around the bend, I heard Robin talking to Alfred.

We made amends, Alfred said. We are friends now.

More than friends! Robin said sheepishly.

I found out that they had decided to enter into a romantic partnership, Robin and Alfred. They had hit it off big time.

As we walked, we discussed sex. We discussed the whole idea of dominant femme versus submissive femme. Everyone preferred submissive femme. Alfred told me about which songs on my iPod he didn't want me listening to anymore, because of the rampant dominant female energy.

When we got back to the house, Robin was sending me energy. Enticing energy, frustrated energy. Then, when I was standing on the stairs, he sent me sexual energy.

“I am a famous actor and you are my slave, bring me your mind and have sex with my body!” he crooned in my ear.

When I was hit by this sexual energy, something happened. This marked a shift inside me. I rolled around on the bed in lust for Robin. He sent me more sexual energy. I sent him more sexual energy. It was a spiritual fuck fest as we exchanged sexual energy over and over again.

It started to become a problem. All I wanted to do was lust after Robin. A day past. I walked around, and listened to sexy songs on my iPod. Robin was there. He told me we were good sexual partners, we needed to have more intercourse to make up for lost time.

I danced around the house to sexual music, then lay on my bed and lusted profusely for Robin. I thought in my head, I would rather have the Pussycat Brawl with Robin.

After a heavy session of lusting, I kept telling Robin I loved him because he was Robin Williams. He was writhing around up in heaven, saying over and over again, “I'm Robin Williams and I'm a famous actor!” The sexual energy and transgressionary life force made him act dumb.

We're worried about something, my guides told me. What did Robin do to you? This is a bit excessive. All you want to do is lust for him!

But his sexual energy feels so good...

No, he did something to you. He cast a spell. We have to get rid of the spell.

But I don't want to get rid of the spell! I like the spell! I screamed.

No, no, no, Salioness. If you don't get rid of the spell, it keeps getting stronger and stronger until you can't pull yourself out of bed, all you want to do is make love to Robin over and over and over again.... There was an attachment he made at the same time, the same time he sent you that sexual energy on the stairs.

They're right, Rachel. I cast a spell on you.

That's grounds for getting him kicked out of here for good... my guides said. They were beyond pissed.

No! No! Not Robin! Anything but that! Don't make him leave! I love him! I love him! I pleaded and cried.

Well, he is good for quite a number of things, but we can't have him going and casting spells on you, that's bad... Anyway, we will discuss this later. Why don't we remove the spell?

I sat up and did a few spells, until they told me the spell was gone.

Okay, Salioness, the spell has been removed, but you are still feeling the effects of it. It will be a couple weeks before the spell is completely gone, and you will go back to lusting after Alfred.

Aww, shucks! Not that nitwit!

What are you talking about, Sugar Plum? You don't love me anymore?

It's just... The spell was pretty powerful... And it felt good, lusting after Robin for a change.. With all his sexual energy... You don't send me sexual energy!

I do so, just not as much as that!

He actually did, every time I lusted after him. It just wasn't enough to be really, really satisfying.

Well, well, well, Robin said. You need help for your drug abuse problem.

Drug abuse problem? I asked.

You are addicted to my sexual energy, sweetie. Let's try some different energies.

I've been sending you dominant sexual energy. This is equal.

I felt the energy, and didn't like it. It reminded me of an old married couple having sex. A married couple that was very much in love but lacked the exuberant youthful spark. It wasn't very enticing.

Okay, here's vicious sexual energy!

I felt that one. I liked it, it was mean, but I liked mean.

Okay, that's it. How about some more sexual energy from you?

I lusted, and lusted, and lusted. I loved lusting. In my mind, I wandered off to a thought. I remembered the day at FAO Shwartz, when Robin was smiling at my sister.

I think you're sister's pretty! Robin said, echoing something from a Snickers commercial that had been overplayed awhile okay.

Wait, how did you know I was thinking that? I asked.

Alfred told me. He tells me everything. Like about how you're wiring problem goes crazy when I'm around, and you imagine your butt flailing all over the place in your mind. And your other butt problem.

I had a butt problem. It wasn't a big deal at all and I didn't care. But when I walked, and especially when I was talking to Robin, the way my jacket fell on my butt directed part of my conscious attention there, permanently. I didn't care, I just ignored it.

I think it's cute. How nervous you get when I'm around. You've always had a crush on me, haven't you?

No, not really.

I know, I already knew that. You just never thought of me that way. I know, there was no crush cord from you. I got one from your mom, though.

We laughed.

In my mind, my thoughts wandered off to a scene from a movie Robin was in, What Dreams May Come. In the movie, there was a scene where him and his onscreen wife are talking, and she says something about boobs, and he says, “you know I love them,” in a goofy voice. It was a dumb part, but I thought it was funny, because I was a preteen and I got the giggle for this sort of sexual content.

What are you thinking about?

On the inside, I did not want Robin to know about this at all. I grew very embarrassed. NOTHING! I screamed.

Come on, tell me! You know I love them!

I blushed, and blushed, and blushed. This was the worst humiliation ever.

It's okay, don't worry about it, I understand. You were a giggly preteen. I thought that line sounded a little awkward at the time too, but you know I'm an actor, I don't have any say what my lines are. You're cute, you know that?

I was still embarrassed, but I relaxed a little bit. Given a rational explanation for why I did something, it didn't seem as bad. I was a giggly preteen. That was giggly preteen humor.

I lay there, and remembered something else. It was a talk show I had seen Robin Williams on. He was cracking jokes, and he cracked one I didn't think was funny. It was something about water, I don't remember what it was. It wasn't funny, but everyone laughed anyway. It made me wonder if Robin Williams wasn't as funny as people thought he was.

Robin said, You don't think I'm funny?

I blushed, because I knew it was just a lame joke, not a big deal because he was funny for the rest of the show. I relaxed, and sent him sexual energy. Very submissive sexual energy, because I was thinking about how much funnier he was than I was.

That's really good energy you're sending me, sweetie. That's submissive, very submissive. I love submissive sexual energy!

Burn Like Jesus: Chapter 93

So, you enjoyed that status. It was entertaining because it was true. I enjoyed it too. You did click like. I thought that was fun. But I want to not like your statuses anymore because they are funny in a bad way. Like your one about my past issues with cloning monkeys. I think that's a bad idea. You enjoy my status about gay marriage. HAHAHAHHAH!!! Funny. I enjoyed that status too because it was dimwitted. I don't give a shit if guys and guys or girls and girls get married. So what? Deal with it! Live together! Who needs a certificate? You are in love! Don't act dumb, I'm not a little prissy boy who laughs at the same jokes over and over again. Leave that to Rachel. I know something about you people. You are not good people who think everything is about abortion and gay marriage. You are not the good ones either. You all stink. I'm sorry. But you all got it wrong. It is about foreplay, baby. Not premeditated situations. So I understand what you are saying, but, no, sorry, that's not it. What if you did something about the environment? It needs help, but it has some issues. Like, global warming. And others. I think that's a good place to start. So please, "God," don't be a buffoon. I'm not laughing at you, I like your page all right, it is cute, I understand that God hates things like Christian authoritative ideas about religion and monogamy, but I hate you just the same. That's what I am saying. Don't act dumb, Rachel. I am serious. That's it. That's your status. Goodnight.

Alfred and I talked about sex some more. He told me how much he was going to rape me, rip me inside out vaginally, and make it so I can't stand up without a forklift, after all the anal raping.

Alfred was telling me some of the dark, dirty things he was going to do to me. How he wanted to pass around me to his friends, not because I would enjoy it, but because I needed it because I was a bad silia.

A spirit right next to me said, “Dump him!”

I heard that, and could not stop laughing.

When we got done talking about sex, Alfred told me about a game he was going to play with me called, “talk about sex and you are dead.”

What's that? I asked, confused.

If you mention to any of your friends that I am going to rape you, you are dead. We don't want people thinking that I condone the act of rape on the Earth plane, okay sweetie?

Of course not! I yelled. I knew he did not.

It is vile and vicious what rapists do to women. The victims do not deserve it, they are not bad silia in need of punishment. I was raped in a past life, and murdered, remember?

Yeah, I remember.

It was horrendous. No, it doesn't bother me any more, you don't have to worry about offending me... But it was vicious and it was cruel, and we will not be cruel to you, understand?

I thought that's what it was about...

Not cruelty, just blatant disrespect. We won't really hurt you, you know? You won't be traumatized, I design it so that we all have a good time... None of this, I like it, you don't but appreciate the concept afterwards... But then again, you will appreciate the concept afterwards, won't you?

Of course I will! I love the misogynistic ramblings of crazy men!

Of course, it's about misogyny, blatant disrespect for women, not hatred of women. Got it?

I got it, I got it... But do you really disrespect women too? I think that's a bit much too, if it's real...

It's not real, sweetie, I respect you more than I respect myself. I just need to use and abuse you a little bit, okay? That's all, that's it... End of story.

What else are not going to do in the arena?

We aren't going to eat crap, we aren't going to do anything with mutilation, and you aren't going to defile me, got it?

I can't defile you, even once?

Hey, I've always had your back, Beeb. I stood by you, even back when the clowns whooped your ass first lifetime, remember?

No, actually I don't remember.

Well, it happened. I know what you're thinking... You saved me from sinking... He had sung this song before.

Why do you sing, 'you saved me from sinking?'

Because you did once, second lifetime. I was having a hard time and you pulled me out of it. You are my best friend, Beeb. I don't want anything bad to happen to you, and I sure as hell don't want to see you raped by a gang of angry thugs.

Then why do you want that more than anything else in the world?

We just want to play a game, okay? That's what sex is anyway, a game. When you rape someone on the Earth plane, it's for real. But this is a game. It's role play. You like role play?

Of course I like role play!

No you don't, you don't like role play, you like it when it's real. And this is the closest it comes to being real. However, it's still not real. It's a game. I'm not superior to you, and you're definitely not inferior to me, got it?

I got it, sweetie.

Anyway, I understand that this is a lot to fathom right now, and you need rest. So time for bed, okay sweetie?

Okay, honey.

Night night. Before you go to bed, I'm going to tell you a story. There was a woman named Rachel. She lived in a big house with her parents. Every night they gave her her medication, and she grew very, very tired when they gave her her medication. One day, she refused to take her medication, and was taken to the hospital and pumped full of drugs. In the end, she got so fat she could not leave the house without a forklift.

Why are you telling me such a horrendous story?

Because this is what happens to good little girls who take their medications. Don't hesitate to cheek it, sweet pea. You feel so much better when you don't take your meds!

I do, but they'll notice.

Not if you get sly about it, Sugar Plum. Practice. It's easy, a lot of people do it. Your parents don't know how to do mouth checks.

I don't think it's a good idea...

Well, I do. I hate the medication you are on. It makes me feel like shit too, sweet pea.

I hate it but I have to take it! Or else I start imagining delusional people in my room telling me stories!

Another thing. Who's the man of the house, sweet pea?

I froze. When he said this, there was a moment of deja vu. Like him saying this was part of an intricate plan.

Whoops, didn't know that would happen! Alfred said.

Well, well, well. What time is it? Time to talk about spirit sex again! I wanted to tell you something funny about spirit sex. A kind we are never, ever, ever going to try. Don't even suggest it, Sugar Plum, or I will hate you.

Ooh! What is it?

There are some funny folk around the spirit realm, who have a type of Earth sex, which is baby and mother.

Baby and mother? But I thought too young was against the rules!

It is, but this kind is permitted. There is a mother, and a baby. The mother oohs and ahhs over the baby, and there is a lot of playing, touching, and tickling of private parts...

That's so sick!! Ewww!!

I know, sweetie, I know. It's usually done by people who have no knowledge of the Earth plane, and what this kind of relationship means.

Why do they do it? That is so nasty! So wrong on so many levels!

It is wrong, sweetie, but not for the reasons you think. There is actually nothing wrong with it, from a molestation perspective. But it is usually done by weak souls, who like the idea of the unconditional love of the mother. They find it sexually gratifying.

Ewwww!!! I gagged and barfed, then laughed really, really hard.

It's funny, go ahead and laugh. I think it's gross too, for the reasons you mentioned, and more. I know some souls who do it. They tell me it is like nothing I have ever experienced because it is so caring, and so loving, and so tender.

Why don't they prohibit it? I screamed.

They think it is good for the weak souls, because they don't understand the implications of what they are doing from an Earth perspective. Earth sex is the only kind of sex that allows child molestation. It's funny, go ahead and laugh.

Burn Like Jesus: Ch. 92

People like to think that only men are capable of rape. Because men have a certain necessary condition for sexual intercourse. People don't like to think that men can get a hard on and not actually want one. Yeah. No one's thought of that before.

Robin came to spend the night. He told me he wanted to be a father figure to me. He showed me a picture of him wearing a coat and a hat, like he had just gotten home from work. When we talked, we joked. I didn't know consciously. I was sitting at the energy drink store, talking to Robin, when I saw an image of a whip on someone's bare behind go across my mind.

What was that? I asked consciously.

You were just joking with Robin. You made a joke.

Oh, I said, weirded out by this. Consciously, I was still a little uncomfortable when Robin was around. I had gotten over the ice cream joke aftermath, but I was still weirded out, seeings as he was my favorite actor and all.

Early in the morning, I got up. I went downstairs. Put some coffee on the pot. And sat down in front of the television. I turned it on and fired up TiVo. I saw the television Grim was playing but had no intention of watching it, since it was a show I never watch.

“Why don't you watch Grim?” Robin said.

I sat, knowing this was my mind. Robin didn't say that. I was embarrassed, and I sat there blushing.

Robin said to me, “Embarrassed?” in a weird voice.

I didn't want him to know about the Grim incident, so I kept mum. Except, subconsciously, I told him, because I knew it was no big deal. Consciously, the fact that I had heard him say this in my mind was horrifically embarrassing.

What's going on? What did I tell you?

“I just noticed a shift in your energy, like you were embarrassed...”

I didn't tell you what was going on?

No, honey.

Okay, okay. I relaxed. I didn't want him to know about the Grim incident.

We went on a walk. Robin, Heath, and I conversed consciously. We talked about sex. Then, Robin and Heath both informed me that I had really nice tits.

“I retained a lot of my visual/sexual organization from the Earth plane. I watch you, Rachel. I watch you when you change clothes, and when you shower. You have some really nice tits.”

But I thought you liked me like a father? Is this fatherhood to you?

No, honey. I like you... I like you... Like a lover.

Really?

Really, honey. Really.

We sat in my bedroom, and conversed.

Robin said, “I like your little jingles you make up in your head. Like Worry Wart Beev was a good one. You should write songs for money.”

Really? I said, excited that someone appreciated my work.

No, not really. I was trying to entice you.

Ohhh...

It's okay, honey. I love you anyway, even if your songs suck.

I hate them, too, but that's a secret...

We all hate them, sweetie.

Sweetie?

I didn't say sweetie, sugar bee. I said honey.

Ohhhh....

It's okay, sweetie.

Awww....

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm good.

You need a tissue for all that crying you are doing over me, sweetie.

What crying?

When I killed myself, I wanted to tell you something. You sent me good energy when you found out I had done it. Most everyone else in the world sent me bad energy. It was horrible, trying to cross over, with so much bad energy. Don't even get me started on the acid trip of crossing over...

Was it fun?

It wasn't fun, wasn't not fun either. It was a neutral experience. There were good parts and bad parts.

Will I have to tell your friends that you are happy now? Or will you tell them?

I've already told them, but they don't believe me. They think I've gone to hell, to suffer for all of eternity.

What was it like, before you killed yourself? Do you want to talk about it?

I do, it's fine. It's not an issue. I was very, very unhappy. So unhappy, it's hard to understand why I held out for that long. I did some sort of hallucinogen I got off the street before I killed myself. It's one that doesn't stay in your system long, so it doesn't show up in the autopsy. It made me feel all right at first, but after awhile, I started to crash and go to your idea of hell. It was your idea of hell. Not hyperbolic, for real. It was awful, awful, awful. But my last thoughts were of my fans. I didn't want it to end this way, but I couldn't take it anymore. The pain was unbearable.

So you don't regret it?

Not at all, sweetie. It wasn't a good decision, but... It was the right decision for me. I like to think that I left behind a positive image, even with the suicide.

But you did! People still love you!

I know they do, sweetie. But I can't take this anymore. I can't take all the mopey call outs I get on the spiritual plane. People weeping and crying, “I hope you are okay now...” Mopey, mopey, mopey. You didn't call out to me, but you knew. You knew I would be all right.

I did so!

Don't forget to read the papers, for they hold no element of truth to them. They are all hogwash. It will tell you I was not taking drugs before I did it, but I was. I don't remember how many days past since I took the hallucinogen, I think it may have been more than I remember. I remember it being a couple nights.

So you were not sober?

No, sweetie. I was not sober. I was definitely on drugs. But I will tell you this. I should have done it anyway. With all that was happening, acting was the only thing that made me happy. And the Parkinson's was threatening to take that away from me. You have Parkinson's disease too, sweetie. It will correct itself though. With the shakes, and the swallowing problem. That's an early symptom of Parkinson's disease.

Really? I was shocked.

Really, sweetie. I love you. Don't remember to bring me to your bible study, it hurts to understand why you can never talk about suicide to Catholics. They all think I'm in purgatory.

But you're not!

I'm not, good one sweetie.

Burn Like Jesus, Ch90-91

I laugh when I watch TV now. My parents comment on it, get dismayed, think there's something wrong with me. I go to a movie and laugh, and my mom shushes me. Don't laugh now. Don't laugh. This isn't a funny part. That's Adderall for you, bitch. The zombification of Rachel.

Do you believe in fairies? Sylvia Browne asked me.

No, not really, I said back.

Well, I'm sorry I gave you bad advice last summer. I had just finished crossing over, and I didn't understand what was going on. I thought you might be making people think you were psychic, and they would be upset because they were jealous.

I wasn't worried about that... I wouldn't care about making people jealous. I was worried about people thinking I was schizophrenic, I told Sylvia.

Well, no worries... It's not a big whoop either way. I like you, I'm sorry for what I did to the psychic/medium profession. I had my heart set on money, from the start, Sylvia said to me.

That's not a big deal, I imagine that a lot of them are like that. I liked your book I read, it was informative, like the thing about cocoons. That is accurate. Some of the other stuff isn't accurate, like the thing about everyone being age 30 on the other side.

I know, I didn't make that up... Someone told me that. I channeled a lot of spirits for help on that book. Francine helped me with other matters, but not as much as I wanted to think she was helping. A lot of the times, I would channel random spirits and mention that they were Francine, even if they were not.

That's not a good idea, I said. I hope I won't do that.

You will not, you are better at channeling than I was. I wish I could have gotten the conscious/subconscious mind flip, then I could channel all sorts of spirits with no effort!

That's true, it takes no effort at all to channel with the conscious/subconscious mind flip. But I will tell you one thing, you need to worry less about your image on Earth. All psychics are scorned and ridiculed by troubled folk known as atheists.

I know, I remember what that was like... I had people come up to me and threaten to shoot me, they were so mad that I had deceived innocent grieving folk into thinking I was channeling their loved ones. I thought it was mean. They knew nothing about what I did. They just assumed, because they didn't believe in mediumship, that no one could do it properly.

Well, we know that eventually, I will silence those folks. I don't know how, I don't believe I can do it even, but they told me I would, I told Sylvia.

Well, you are a good candidate. Don't worry about your doubts. They will lessen in time. After awhile, you will stop doubting it at all, and you will only believe. For now, just look at the small things that prove that you are not delusional, she said.

Well, I do that, but it's not enough. I need big things.

You will get them soon enough, I am telling you. For now, just wait. Remember that we are here for you, and we believe you are psychic.

Chapter 91

I wish the defiling of my innocence was as happy as yours.

What do you do for fun? Asked Maya Angelou.

I watch television, listen to music, and go for walks, I told her mischeviously.

Well, you need to work on having more fun, because I know for a fact you don't enjoy television as much as you could, she said.

I do not, but I like the noise, I said. I like the way Bill O'Reilly covers the news. He is a gem. I love him.

Well, we all know you love Bill O'Reilly. But do you love Rush Limbaugh?

I adore him so much it makes my head spin and my eyes tear! I said sheepishly.

Well, well, well. Looks like you have yourself a fantasy date!

No, no, no. I don't like him like that! We don't even know each other! I said bashfully.

Well, I think I detect a note of lust in your voice...

I like him, alright? You know he's fine! He's fine! HE'S FINE!!!!

There you go. Seems like you needed to get that out in the open, doesn't it?

I think you think he is cute and that's why you are saying all this, I told Maya.

I think he is a nitwit, but I understand why you'd like him, she said mischieviously.

Well, well, well. The truth comes out. She hates Rush Limbaugh. The woman who loves everyone.

SHUT UP!!! I don't hate him, I love him like a brother!

You need to work on your hatred issues, Miss Maya!

You need to work on your sexual frustration issues, Rachel Zuhl! He is married! He has a wife! You will not get to hook up with Rush Limbaugh!

I will not! That's fine! I don't want to hook up with Rush Limbaugh!

He would not care if you touched his penis, Rachel Zuhl.

I would care! That's grody!

You would like it, wouldn't you?

Not really, no!

When will you understand that there are no secrets here. If you want to hook up with Rush Limbaugh, that's fine. But we don't want you to. It would ruin his career and your career in one fall swoop.

Well, well, well. Who has the crush on Rachel now? I think you have a crush on me, Maya Angelou!

I do not! I like you and all, but I don't have a “crush” on you. I have a sexual attraction to you, missy.

Well, well, well. It's another soul, after the virtuous one.

It is so. It is enticing. Well, well, well. We can have spirit sex if you want.

I am attached, thank you very much. Maybe, if that one guy says it's okay...

Well, well, well. Seems like you need a friend from the afterlife. Want a backrub? Alfred does not want you in his life anymore, seems he found another woman...

Well, well, well. You are a good woman, Maya, but you know how much my friends mean to me. Alfred is a good man, he has many woman friends. I am his favorite.

Well, well, well. That's not it. You need a backrub.

What is God? Maya Angelou asked me one night, after dinner.

He is my friend! I screamed.

Yeah, but what is he? Mind? Matter? Essence?

He's a living, breathing soul. He has thoughts and feelings and emotions. When he works out, his biceps bulge. He is a smart cookie with better bodily functions than me, for he needs no one to remove his cockroach from his pants.

Well, well, well. You love God, this is true. Where do you find the other princesses which you believe don't need God? Your sister? Where does she go when the lights go out?

My sister is not an atheist, she believes in stuff and things. When he removes me from his friends list, I show up again already, for I have him on multiple accounts. What's this? A friends request from God? Accept! Accept! Accept!

That is fine and dandy, but what you need is a movie show of you and God together. Why don't you work on that?

I think it's a good idea not to have too many movie shows, for they warp the mind into a shape incapable of being bent back.

That's hogwash! You know it can bend back if you use the right tools!

Silly, silly, silly. She is one silly mother fucker, that Maya Angelou.

Well, well, well. Time for a nap! Zzzzzzz....

Hogwash! She doesn't need sleep! Her brainwaves do not reciprocate the gesture!

Hogwash! I need rest and fuel just like you do...

Hogwash! She is full of crab apple! She needs no rest, fuel, or sanctity of life poster! She is a woman who loves the act of disengaging from conversations for better things, like a cute young man who just entered!

Lucille Ball entered the room. She was looking like a man, as she was a masculine spirit.

Why, looky here! Lucille! My favorite! Mwah! I think we need to talk about our friendship some more...

I sighed. How awful. She was in love with Lucy, like everyone used to be.