Why Would I Consider Suicide If It Were So Clear-Cut?

Why? Sometimes, I'm not thinking clearly. Reasoning about matter such as life, "Rules of the world say if this happens, this is what it means." If there is a miracle brain situation where your brain works in a new way that defies logic, it must be paranormal, yes. Clearly it's paranormal, yes. Sometimes I might not be sleeping well, and... I don't know what is supposed to happen. Humans say, "PLAN!" I'm not allowed to plan all that much, and that drives me MAD. What's going to happpen? Well that's great that you had your brain rewired Rachel but this is going down the tube, this situation... And you start wondering, why would (lots of situations fit) happen if I were on a mission? Why would I be drinking at a bar most days? And then sometimes, you're not sleeping... And then you can't think clearly, and sometimes you almost say FUCK IT, I'll just leave behind a book series and they can think about the precious brain situation... And sometimes, the brain situation becomes boring. Yes, boring. Except... Well, yeah Subbie said something there... But I almost forget how weird it is, it's normal now. And I have to remind myself of the poignant parts. And even then... Mental breakdown could be eminent... I stand alone, the only other human who confirmed my reasoning called me mentally ill... Sleep, sleep, sleep it off. I would not become suicidal again now, let me tell you.

The Best Party Like Jesus Story Which Didn't Make the Cut

Shortly after I came down with a set of grandiose delusions... Yeah, I would say grandiose. I had to sit spring term of college out, so my mom was going to Indiana to visit family and mushroom hunt, so I went along. And we visited someone random who happened to have a dog named Sophie, and that situation didn't make the cut because that wasn't all that interesting either, ooh, a dog named Sophie, unique! So, my mom usually didn't complain much about how I wouldn't take the medication that at one point I took and started to get horrific "flashbacks"... No, just plain old anxiety thinking about a past life situation that didn't even happen to me, I know now. And you know, I was just thinking about what a airplane crashing through the roof of a mall would actually be like, and the thought got so intense I started panicking, so yeah, I didn't want to take the medication anymore. Right in front of me, my mom says to my Grandma Keister, "Can you please have a talk with Rachel about how she should be taking her medication?" "Oh, I don't know that situation I don't want to be part of it..." "Please?" "Well, Rachel! I take medication too! It helps my conditions I have!" And she gave me a big fake smile, and my mom turns to me and says, not in jest, "She has wisdom, you know?"

The "Other" Grandparent: Ole' Sandy

It came up today randomly, when a younger male family member called out to me. "What about Grandma?" I don't know if something weird's going on, if I remember correctly her birthday was the anniversary of the stock market crash, and she died around the end of 2016 when my dad was distracted by something else. She told me something random when I was watching television at my parent's house, and I said huh, that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard in my life. Everything seems like that when I am talking to the spirits though, a lot of times (or Subbie, but those things happen at the same time always). I hated Grandma Sandy when I was in preschool, no I didn't hate her at all, just thought she was annoying meanie weanie woo, or actually... I don't remember why. I don't remember anything about why I didn't like her, but I didn't. So at the preschool graduation, we all had to wear little paper graduation hats, and I remember I thought the hat was dumb looking so I tore it up afterwards... And we had to do a dance, and I watched Grandma the entire time, and whenever she looked my direction, I did a dumb mocking dance, mocking her. "You deeply regretted that and you were very embarrassed, that was understood at your high school graduation. It was unspoken." She told me. I said "huh, you're right! I never even thought of that..." What was the exchange between us? The only one, I think? "So this is it," Grandma said. "Yes, it is." That was the exchange. Reference to, this is the real significant graduation now huh, and naturally you thought about that incident and regret it terribly and you wouldn't act disrespectful to your grandma. The other thing I would point out is it didn't take very long after preschool to figure that out, either, maybe a year or two. What was I thinking? The blogging website won't let me do paragraph breaks, I'm too lazy to figure this out... So, anyway, she pointed something out to me, since, I didn't get around to grilling her before, or she didn't want to talk, or whatever... You were the child who was "precious." And she says that with tears, and she always knew. And that's the parental pitfall. That's the trap! That's the trap! And it's something I experienced when pregnant, thinking about my own child, I can relate. You want everything, EVERYTHING, to be perfect about that child's life. No pain, no suffering, no hardships... No lessons about how... Even your idols have things that disappoint you about them. You want everything about that child's life to be love and peace and tranquility in their youth, and then they go on to rule the world with a strong mind, an iron fist, and a heart of gold. But that's not how it works. That's not the right way to raise children. You thought you knew that, did you? "Well you don't give into temper tantrums." Yes, and that's not the only thing, and it's not as simple as oh, tantrum, the answer is no most of the time. THAT'S not effective parenting. Just telling you this now, and no, I (Rachel) am not pregnant... Dun dun dun... Dun dun dun... DUN. DUN. Doooo....

Inner Child's Got You Lassooed Around The Ankles

That's a quote from a psychic I heard one time. Do I talk to psychics, even though I am psychic? Yeah, very rarely, but sometimes. There was one I saw awhile back at New Rennaissance Bookstore, not the Archturian guide one... She did an Angel Card or some sort of other card reading for me, and that's what she said. I thought she was the real deal, real enough to be doing what she was doing at least. Of course, when I'm having a good day, I'm better, but yeah. It was good. What's the issue at hand? I'm worried about opposition to me, in my position, for those of you who know what I'm talking about, as most should. Someone very special said about the situation, Subbie informed me: "Yes you do. Oh, you do. You do want opposition. You just don't know it yet! Yes, that's the inner child having you lassooed around the ankles... You are so worried about holding your own in situations where you are face to face with people who oppose you, due to not being bullied or picked on in school... You don't know, you like it and you want it." Anyway... What's the subject at hand? I was riding on the bus in the area, and I saw a sign on the church, part of it said, "We believe Jesus bodily rose from the dead." Which... Potentially could be a reference to something I said? If you are new to me and my situation, don't make assumptions that I'm crazy here, just sayin'. Yeah, could be a coincidence. I had a hunch they weren't being mean though, was something I was thinking... There is a place on my blog where I say, I think Jesus rose from the dead in a form that was more solid than a ghost. Something I wanted to point out, there was some reference to my old Bible study in Coeur D'Alene having something to say about this situation. That means in person, but what I was thinking it was was, you know... That's a funny topic actually. If you think about things, that's probably what it was, but a lot of Christians have a very strange attitude about how you MUST believe his body rose from the dead. That detail is just so unbelievable important to some people. It struck me that this might be a misunderstanding about the way (I believe) things work. First of all, what are ghosts like? Actually, what they say in movies is true. A lot of times, they don't even know they are dead. They are stuck in some sort of strange mental state that is very discombobulated and not all that intelligent. If the spirit of the ghost is intelligent, sometimes the ghost can say something intelligent. In general though, ghosts are dumb. Dumb as fuck. Sometimes they realize they are dead, but the part of the mental capacity used to assess the situation is compromised, kind of like a dream-like state. My belief system about Jesus Christ... For one I think it was probably the weirdest thing that ever happened, in history. There was a big difference between the form Jesus was in when he rose from the dead, and a ghost. I don't think you would be able to touch Jesus in this state. You might not know the difference between him and a living person, and he was very coherent and just as intelligent as he was when he was alive. That's what I believe. So, if you believe I go to hell for not thinking his body rose too... It was a miracle nonetheless, this was not a normal occurence, obviously. And by the way, geez, is this something you want to think? That if you don't accept Jesus as your savior, you are going to hell. I mean, I didn't actually ask the religious establishment exactly what they believed, but damn that's a belief that's depressing and kind of dumb, honestly, but you better believe me when I say I forgive Christians for having this belief. I just do. That is what the Bible says, and there is something weird about this weird ass Bible book. There was just something weird about Jesus and the Bible, I agree. And if an authority tells you something... And you've been told that all your life, yeah, you might be hesitant to drop that belief a the drop of a hat. And I'm not Jesus. Nope. Not Jesus.