Mourning the Death of the Normal, Boring Rachel

So, I am done with the bullshit Zuhl household. They say, "Ra-chel!" (really whiny voice). "You still have symp-toms!" Really whiny voice.

And I say, mother dear, what are my symptomes? And she says, the talking, talking, talking to yourself! We need a med change! MED CHANGE!!!

Well here's news for you, Beevely Bee. I am not about to stop talking to myself. Talking to myself is both how I channel, and integrate my mind thoughts together with one another. Without the incessant chatter, I would be completely subdued to the point where I would not be able to act. So, if that's what you want... go right ahead. If we are so fucking fixated on, "normal..." What the fuck is normal? Do you love me, Beev? Do you want me to be happy? If you did, you would just understand that the incessant chatter is a part of life.

Drugs ain't gonna fix that, baby. The only drugs that will fix that are ones that decrease IQ to the double digits. Is that what you want, Beev? To mold your daughter into what you want her to be? To unkink the kinks? JUST GET USED TO IT!!!

I'm done with this. I'm not going to stop talking to my spirit guides. No, when I talk, I am not talking TO THEM!!! I AM TALKING TO MYSELF SO I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!!!! There we go. There we go. There we go!

I am done with this household. It is never going back to the way it was before, Beev. So why don't you go out into your garden, and cry. Cry, cry, cry. Cry about the death of your only daughter, Rachel. The mental death. Cry about how your daughter, and your life, will never be the same. Cry, cry, cry about how Innercept failed you, didn't do what you wanted, instead, made your daughter a hooligan. Cry, my dear, "loving" mother, cry. She is gone. Your daughter is gone.

Another thing is, she is not gone!! I am here! I am fine! I talk to myself! GET USED TO IT!! Stop tampering with my brain!!!! STOP TAMPERING WITH MY BRAIN!!! It is sick and tired of you trying to force chemical hooliganisms it does not need!! You don't know shit!! The doc knows nothing!!! Winkleman knows nothing also!! No one does!!!

I NEED DOPAMINE DAMMIT!! STOP TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE DOPAMINE!!!

Wonky Romance Cords: A NOTE OF SERIOUS CAUTION

So, I am going to take the time to discuss... WONKY ROMANCE CORDS!!!!

This is a very serious, horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE topic!!! No one should have to deal with wonky romance cords!!!

First off, I know all about energy cords. There are certain, unscrupulous people, who send people who they have romantic feelings for, energy cords.

First off, let's discuss energy cords. Most emotional relationships between people, involve energy cords. Energy cords do not exist on the physical realm, but on the spiritual plane, or something like it. When you are born, you have a horrible emotional cord attached to your mom. Soon after birth, you attach a very similar, usually a little bit less intense one to your dad.

When you meet a girl or guy, and you decide you like them... you attach a crush cord. When you get a little bit better acquainted, and you have romantic feelings, you might both agree, on a deep, deep subconscious level, to attach an adult relationship cord.

But sometimes, something horrible happens. Certain unscrupulous people will send people, who they are usually romantically interested in a serious way, wonky romance cords, or joke cords, as my guides call them. Not necessarily though. Some people send out wonky romance cords every which way.

Most people, when faced on the receiving end of a wonky romance cord, do not attach. No way, jose. Certain people do though. People like me. And others. Not usually lonely people, but people who are interested very, very highly in the opposite sex, and the person who is sending the cord.

This is a horrible, horrible topic. Wonky romance cords create feelings of intense, intense longing for the person. THEY DO NOT GO AWAY EASILY!!! You have to redirect the energy elsewhere, which is difficult as all fuck if your feelings are strong. Usually when you have a wonky romance cord, you attach lots of strong crush cords along with the wonky romance cord.

Not all wonky romance cords are the same. I will tell you about my experiences with these types of cords. I have had two separate guys, who I liked a lot, attach the same sort of wonky romance cords to me.

This cord was a cord to make me care about this man's opinion, or something like it, only. WHAT A HORRIBLE CORD!!!! THIS CORD WORKS!!!!

So what it was like was, I thought this guy hated me. And he was the only person in the entire world whose opinion I cared about. This was my life at Innercept, baby. This lead me to intense suicidal feelings, as I thought this one person, who was the only person in the world whose opinion I cared about, hated me. MY ENTIRE, ENTIRE, ENTIRE SELF WORTH DEPENDED ON THIS PERSON'S OPINION!!!

AAHHHHH!!!!

Shortly after I came home, I liked another guy, and my spirit guides did their best to cut the first cord to the first guy.

THIS NEW GUY ATTACHED THE SAME CORD TO ME!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!

So, this wasn't as horrible as the first situation... this guy, I thought actually liked me. Still, it was horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible.

Recently, I cut this cord. Over and over and over and over again. Because he attached it over and over and over and over again!! I had that cord a bazillion times!!! At night, I would lie awake, or half awake in bed, tossing and tossing, turning and turning, worrying about what this guy thought of me... Now.... to fuck if I care!!

That's what I said!! TO FUCK IF I CARE!!!!

Someone new attached a new wonky romance cord to me the other day. I like this guy a lot, but this relationship isn't going anywhere. I will cut the cord eventually, when I feel it is right.

Why did the one guy attach the cord over and over and over again? BECAUSE HE WANTED IT TO BE AS STRONG AS POSSIBLE!!!

This is what it is like. Everything I do. Does this please master? Does this please master? Does this please master?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?! DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT?! Everywhere I go, everything I do, I neurotically worry that it has to please this one guy or else I might as well put a gun in my mouth.

That's not the horrible part. The horrible part is, a lot of times, AT LEAST WITH ME, these guys actually don't want a relationship. They like me, but have issues, so it's like, well, now I have horribly strong neurotic feelings for you that make me feel like shooting myself, and we can't have a relationship?!

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did this happen to you? Does this sound like you? Do you have horribly strong feelings for someone you don't really like, or love, or know that well? Energy work, baby. You need energy work. It ain't love, baby. Don't think it's love. It's a fucking cord that shouldn't be there. That's all.

Quit! You did what? BOUT TIME!!!

How I miss the dopamine. It is a wonderful chemical, which leads to concentration, fun, and the cherished ability to do goal-oriented stuff.

My parents don't understand the dopamine. They say, Rachel, you drink too much caffeine! You are going to overload and kill us all! Caffeine overconsumption! Caffeine overconsumption!

They say, no energy drinks. They kill your brain, make you MANIC! And you are already manic Rachel, look at all those funny hand motions you are making! Manic all the way!

I say, fuck off, Beev! Fuck off, Meeke! You know what I did earlier this year? Do you remember? I quit taking Adderall! And you know what Adderall does? It is far worse in terms of stimulants than energy drinks, BY FAR!!! Don't give me that crappy explanation, "oh, we don't know what all is in them!"

Well, we know what is in Adderall, and it is all bad. There is nothing worse in Rockstar than there is in Adderall. Adderall takes the bad drug cake. So I think a Rockstar a day is preferable to an Adderall a day. The other thing is, I used to do both! At the same time! And sometimes drink and smoke weed. But I don't do these things anymore. So, where are we going with this argument? Do you have some sort of point? Are you trying to say I am doing poorly in the drug department? I QUIT FUCKING ADDERALL!!! DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! I WAS A DRUG ADDICT!!

A DRUG ADDICT!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!!!!
WORSE THAN YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!

And of my own accord, with some help from the dreaded, horrific, imaginary spirit guides, I quit it!!

"She admits it! They are imaginary! There you go Rachel, you know your delusions aren't true!! You now it!!!"

They do not get it. I am a recovering drug addict to Adderall. They don't know about my past. They don't understand my internal dialogue about the drug, my addiction, my pheening (sp?) for the drugs, how awful, awful, awful it was when I was off it, all the things I would have done to get it... Yeah, I never bought it illegally, though. I guess I'm not a REAL drug addict.

So anyway, they do not understand that it is a major, major, MAJOR life change!! And to take it for granted. YES!!! THEY TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!! 'Bout time, Rach!!!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!! SOME CONGRATULATION IS IN ORDER!!
I don't need you to tell me congratulations, but this is something you need to do something nice in the head toward me for. That is it. That is all.

And my mother, she always misunderstands the problem. She always thinks, less stimulants, more depressants, like invega, lithium, bipolar meds, baby. Bipolar meds are the key to Rachel's success.

SHUT THE FUCK UP BEEV!!! She throws hissy fits about my caffeine consumption, my nicotine gum use. Please, these help, way more than you understand.

The problem isn't too much dopamine, the problem is not enough dopamine! I am severely, severely, SEVERELY deficient in dopamine! If only she knew the struggle I face on a daily basis, trying not to be embarrassed over nothing, nada, noodle head. Nothing at all. Always embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed,

SCREEEEECH!!!!!!

This is the sound of being constantly embarrassed by lack of dopamine.

Another thing about her. She is a weird girl in the room of death. Not for me, not my dad, herself. She believes she is not a good mom, but pretends that she will be one if she does things to control her only hope in life, which is me turning out like a good girl. Not independent, dependent on government handouts. Which is why I will never go back to school.

My dad does not agree with my mother's tactics, but whatever she says is law. He thinks, my mom said, no ID. She does not get her ID. My mom says, she drank a drink of cola and that is bad. He says, bad Rachel, no cola. That is how it works.

Flib Flab

Preemptive pill popping. A not a good thing people thing. No, that is too what I am talking about. Do not tell the brain, it will become crazy unless it takes this pill. Tell it, it needs to leave the bloodstream before letting us know if the pill was not working at all or causing problems. I enjoy this idea, but it is not right for Rachel. She needs pills of a placebo nature to cure her IQ problems Not the bad ones, the good ones. Because she has a higher IQ without Adderall. I am not joking. Please, do not set up a date with Dr. Ullrich. I am telling you, he is full of lard cans. We need a home for the girls in the bank, Rachel. No, not that. The other girls. Yes, that. Another thing we need is, more room for ideas than on Facebook. It does not irk out your friends, but if you do it all day all night all the time, they will get pissed and leave! Do not worry though, they like it. Another thing is, we love girls who like Rachel's antics, which are all your friends. You do not need to worry who likes your antics, those girls aren't your friends at all. Another thing is, we love you without your mind goblins. Okay? Another thing is, we need help for our acne issue, it is a problem that irks out men. Not really, I am not joking though, it gets old to look at acne in the mirror all the time. Another thing is, do not worry about the moms. They believe she is a nutcase, but love her for her antics in the prescription pill component because they think she needs them herself and is living vicariously through you. Another thing is, you are needing a funny thing of death right now. I think the pills are okay. Another thing is, you do not need the supplements at all until you are on your death bed and your brain is about to succumb to malnutrition. Just take them. Another thing is, this is a good post, but use cleverer ideas instead of these.

Thing of a frivolous nature is fun for everyone, but do not pace all the time in the family room. It is fun for everyone, but irks out the man in the house. Not because he does not enjoy the funny sound, it is because he loves you not to be on your feet all the time. Another thing is, one of us is crazy, but not the crazy household loon. Don't believe the mean things the people of love think, they are crazy in the minds more so than most people of love. We do not care about the boys in the other place because they have done many loving gestures towards me, not you, me. Not the boys you are thinking of, the other ones. The other ones are ready for thing of fun with love of happiness. You are not going to write that here. I enjoy everything your mom loves in the book department because she is so well read she pretends to hate things of a happy go lucky nature like sitting in the park staring of into space and dreaming of girls in love. Not because she is a lesbian, but because she looks like one. Oh no, not that! I did not care about that, you do not worry about things of a motherlike nature because mothering is not for you. Another thing is, dogs do not look bad if you squint your eyes and howl. That's it, that's all, goodbye.