Withdrawal and Strength of Spirit

So, recently my doctor reduced my dose of Invega, an antipsychotic. This scared my parents. The last time the doctor tried reducing my dose of Invega, I became delusional again, and ended up in the hospital. But, as myself and my doctor knew, this time would be different. How far I had come, in these past ten or eleven months. This time would be different.

At first, I didn't notice anything at all different during the day, but I suffered from bouts of night depression, where I wake up in the middle of the night depressed. I would wake up, feeling like nothing at all in the world was interesting. I would worry about ending up on the streets. I even had some nightmares.

However, in time, my Invega withdrawal turned glorious and beautiful. I noticed increased psychic feelings. I enjoy these feelings, when they are not being distracting. Then, I noticed something even more glorious. I felt satisfaction with myself as a person. As I walked around, I carried around this glorious person with me. This glorious person was myself. It wasn't a narcissistic feeling, it wasn't the feeling that I was better than anyone else. More like, the feeling that I could be the likable main character in a novel. Sure, I wasn't perfect. But characters are never perfect, and their flaws make them more relatable and interesting. I also felt old. But when I feel old, it's a good thing. Kind of like, wise. I felt wise, and knowledgable, and a glorious feeling of grace that comes with age. Because as you get older, you feel more comfortable with yourself and with who you are. The thing is, these feelings weren't fake. I felt more self-confident, and better about myself, but it wasn't inflated self-esteem or well-being. It was genuine. What I felt was true. Because you realize, when you are young, and probably when you are old somewhat too, you don't realize how awesome you are. You doubt yourself. You focus on your flaws and feel worthless. You don't see your own beauty. But it's there. Your (inner) beauty is real, but you are blind to it. So this what this Invega withdrawal was, I was seeing something that was really there. I was feeling my own spiritual beauty. But it wasn't like, my spirit was any more beautiful than anyone else's. It's not a competition. Most people have beautiful spirits, but are blind to it.

When you feel this feeling, you feel like you have the power within yourself to handle whatever life throws at you. You think of what you have gone through so far in life, and how the way you handled it showed beauty and strength of spirit. Everywhere I go, I am happy. Truly happy, but not manic.

This wasn't mania. I haven't had any delusional thoughts.