So... I have learned in the past week that Invega withdrawal isn't all fun and games, sunshine and roses. Sure, I don't have much of an appetite when I am withdrawing, and I have way more energy, am happier, feel better about myself, think better and more creatively. All those things are wonderful, except for the insomnia. But, that was only one layer of Invega withdrawal. It has many layers!
I reached another layer last week. My doctor, while overly confident, decided to reduce my lithium dose, due to the fact that it was causing me increased acne. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, except that I had only been on the lower dose of Invega for about two weeks. Not long enough to fully withdraw!
So anyway, I was fine for the first part of the day, at the lower lithium dose. Then, I started having intrusive thoughts, kind of like voices but not really what you think of when you think of voices. They are much quieter and you know they are in your head. Actually, I've never really had true voices, just my own brand of pseudovoices. It's people saying mean things. Not even necessarily that mean of things, but another side effect of the medication is that you are way overly sensitive about what other people think. Whenever I hear this kind of stuff, my first instinct is to believe it is psychic, without even pausing. Because that's what it seems like to me. Let me tell you something. IT NEVER IS! These kind of voices are never, ever psychic. I am psychic. I actually am. But this is not one of my psychic abilities. If I think someone is talking about me, and I hear the words they are saying in my head, it's always complete and utter bullshit! But try telling that to stressed out and messed up brain, who automatically assumes this kind of think is psychic without even asking me if it is! What I am trying to say is, I react to it like it is real. So I have to tell myself, repeat to myself over and over and over again, what you are hearing now Rachel, it means absolutely nothing. No one thinks any of this bullshit. It is all in your head. It is all in your head. Then it goes away for a couple seconds, and I let my guard down, and I forget, and I hear something else, and I react to it again. My aura is going haywire when this happens! AHHH!! Go away go away go away!
This effect comes and goes. It gets worse, it gets absolutely horrible, when doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise. And shit I really got addicted to running lately, I realized how much I love running, but right now I can't run! Horrible circling thoughts drive me mad the entire time. So what I do is, I go on walks still. I can still do weight lifting, and yoga, and other strength-focused exercise classes. No cardio. Even when I go on walks, near the end the thoughts start circling.
It helps to make fun of the stuff I hear in my head. To laugh at those voices and make them feel like the stupid idiots that they are. One of the things I hear in my head is, "Rachel makes fun of black people!" When the fuck have I ever made fun of a black person? Why the fuck would anyone say that about me? There is absolutely no reason! It is absolutely ridiculous! But when I am running, I am weakened mentally, and I think, "Oh God! People think I make fun of black people!"
Yesterday, at one point, it got really bad, then I felt as if I had lifted a layer. There was a veil over my head and over my brain and over my mind that I lifted off. So much clarity! Beautiful! I am getting through this! I AM GETTING THROUGH THIS!
And as this is happening, I feel my psychic abilities increase. Something that really helps it is, posting something on Facebook, something that's interesting that's not embarrassing or stupid. Then I feel energy directed towards me, sometimes. Actually, not usually, but sometimes I do. And for the most part, it's nice energy. So when you are having this mental bullshit, and you feel like everyone in the entire world hates you, but than you feel the psychic energy people are directing toward you that's positive, that really, really helps. And I feel much better.
It doesn't anymore but it used to cycle between happy stuff and bad stuff. When I hear the happy stuff, I again have to remind myself that the shit I am experiencing is not psychic. Because sure, it feels good, but again it is like living in a happy delusional fairyland and believing all this wonderful shit that isn't true. I notice the mood changes getting less intense though. I don't really have the up anymore, just the mild down with annoying intrusive thoughts. It's not really devastating stuff I hear, just really annoying shit. Like, people reading too much into everything I do and taking things the wrong way.
This is a withdrawal symptom. It is only a withdrawal symptom. It is not the underlying condition. I never had any of these symptoms before I was on medication. I talked about it with one of my doctors, and he agreed that it sounded like invega withdrawal. Wow, it is so much easier to go on medication than it is to go off it!
So what this is, these are birth pains. Horrible, horrible birth pains. Which will lead to a rebirth. A newer, cleaner, better me, on a lower dose of medication. When I get through this, I will be happy and it will be absolutely beautiful. Until then, no cardio.
EDIT: After being on a lower dose of lithium for one day the next day I went back to the full dose. The effects didn't go away.
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