So I was watching this video about this guy, James Randi. I don't know much about him except he is big on debunking spiritual stuff. This guy knows a lot about things like parlor tricks and magic, and forms of trickery. So, he believes all spiritual stuff is trickery, and he debunks it.
So one of the things James Randi does in this video is, he has a whole bottle or very very large portion of homeopathic sleep pills, and he takes them. And then he's like, wow! I didn't die!
I actually thought this was kind of stupid. Now, I'm not like a firm believer in homeopathy. I really have no opinion. I don't know that it works and I don't know that it doesn't work. I have heard anecdotal stories about it working. I was told by one of my doctors that in other countries they have done scientific studies on homeopathy and they have found it to work, and that was because the scientific studies in the United States are biased. But I don't know. The naturopath gives me homeopathic remedies. I don't know that they work. I don't even really know what they are supposed to do. But I take them anyway because I am told to and it couldn't hurt. So I really have no opinion.
That said, I thought this assessment was a little unfair to homeopathy. Just because both things are used to treat insomnia, doesn't mean they work exactly the same or have all the same side effects. It's not a drug! It's energy medicine.
You treat people with psychosis with antipsychotics. Antipsychotics cause weight gain. What if someone was psychotic, but cleared it up by getting adequate sleep and a proper diet. Sleep deprivation and nutritional deficiencies could potentially cause psychosis. But then James Randi jumps in, and says, this isn't possible! His psychosis couldn't possibly be gone! He didn't gain any weight! Let me tell you, as far as I know, and maybe I don't know everything about these things, but as far as I know everyone gains weight on antipsychotics. Everyone. Every single person in the entire world would gain at least a little weight if they were put on antipsychotics.
So anyway, another thing about James Randi is that he has this million dollar challenge. He will give a million dollars to whoever proves the existence of psychic abilities. So far, no one has! I have been in discussions with people, online, where they use that as their soul argument that psychic abilities aren't real.
So I looked a little bit in to it, did a little research but not a whole lot. In order to win the million dollar challenge, James Randi has really really strict conditions under which psychics have to demonstrate their abilities. That's why psychics don't even try it.
So what I am kind of thinking is, sure, this James Randi guy may know a lot about parlor tricks. But what he doesn't seem to know a lot about is spiritual stuff in itself and the nature of that kind of thing. Psychic abilities are strange and elusive. No, they are not always very reliable, but in my opinion they do exist. So maybe, psychic abilities are real, but with the terms of the James Randi million dollar challenge, people just can't demonstrate them under those conditions.
Anyway, that's what I've been thinking. That's all for now.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Slow Inner Death Leads to Rebirth
So... I have learned in the past week that Invega withdrawal isn't all fun and games, sunshine and roses. Sure, I don't have much of an appetite when I am withdrawing, and I have way more energy, am happier, feel better about myself, think better and more creatively. All those things are wonderful, except for the insomnia. But, that was only one layer of Invega withdrawal. It has many layers!
I reached another layer last week. My doctor, while overly confident, decided to reduce my lithium dose, due to the fact that it was causing me increased acne. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, except that I had only been on the lower dose of Invega for about two weeks. Not long enough to fully withdraw!
So anyway, I was fine for the first part of the day, at the lower lithium dose. Then, I started having intrusive thoughts, kind of like voices but not really what you think of when you think of voices. They are much quieter and you know they are in your head. Actually, I've never really had true voices, just my own brand of pseudovoices. It's people saying mean things. Not even necessarily that mean of things, but another side effect of the medication is that you are way overly sensitive about what other people think. Whenever I hear this kind of stuff, my first instinct is to believe it is psychic, without even pausing. Because that's what it seems like to me. Let me tell you something. IT NEVER IS! These kind of voices are never, ever psychic. I am psychic. I actually am. But this is not one of my psychic abilities. If I think someone is talking about me, and I hear the words they are saying in my head, it's always complete and utter bullshit! But try telling that to stressed out and messed up brain, who automatically assumes this kind of think is psychic without even asking me if it is! What I am trying to say is, I react to it like it is real. So I have to tell myself, repeat to myself over and over and over again, what you are hearing now Rachel, it means absolutely nothing. No one thinks any of this bullshit. It is all in your head. It is all in your head. Then it goes away for a couple seconds, and I let my guard down, and I forget, and I hear something else, and I react to it again. My aura is going haywire when this happens! AHHH!! Go away go away go away!
This effect comes and goes. It gets worse, it gets absolutely horrible, when doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise. And shit I really got addicted to running lately, I realized how much I love running, but right now I can't run! Horrible circling thoughts drive me mad the entire time. So what I do is, I go on walks still. I can still do weight lifting, and yoga, and other strength-focused exercise classes. No cardio. Even when I go on walks, near the end the thoughts start circling.
It helps to make fun of the stuff I hear in my head. To laugh at those voices and make them feel like the stupid idiots that they are. One of the things I hear in my head is, "Rachel makes fun of black people!" When the fuck have I ever made fun of a black person? Why the fuck would anyone say that about me? There is absolutely no reason! It is absolutely ridiculous! But when I am running, I am weakened mentally, and I think, "Oh God! People think I make fun of black people!"
Yesterday, at one point, it got really bad, then I felt as if I had lifted a layer. There was a veil over my head and over my brain and over my mind that I lifted off. So much clarity! Beautiful! I am getting through this! I AM GETTING THROUGH THIS!
And as this is happening, I feel my psychic abilities increase. Something that really helps it is, posting something on Facebook, something that's interesting that's not embarrassing or stupid. Then I feel energy directed towards me, sometimes. Actually, not usually, but sometimes I do. And for the most part, it's nice energy. So when you are having this mental bullshit, and you feel like everyone in the entire world hates you, but than you feel the psychic energy people are directing toward you that's positive, that really, really helps. And I feel much better.
It doesn't anymore but it used to cycle between happy stuff and bad stuff. When I hear the happy stuff, I again have to remind myself that the shit I am experiencing is not psychic. Because sure, it feels good, but again it is like living in a happy delusional fairyland and believing all this wonderful shit that isn't true. I notice the mood changes getting less intense though. I don't really have the up anymore, just the mild down with annoying intrusive thoughts. It's not really devastating stuff I hear, just really annoying shit. Like, people reading too much into everything I do and taking things the wrong way.
This is a withdrawal symptom. It is only a withdrawal symptom. It is not the underlying condition. I never had any of these symptoms before I was on medication. I talked about it with one of my doctors, and he agreed that it sounded like invega withdrawal. Wow, it is so much easier to go on medication than it is to go off it!
So what this is, these are birth pains. Horrible, horrible birth pains. Which will lead to a rebirth. A newer, cleaner, better me, on a lower dose of medication. When I get through this, I will be happy and it will be absolutely beautiful. Until then, no cardio.
EDIT: After being on a lower dose of lithium for one day the next day I went back to the full dose. The effects didn't go away.
I reached another layer last week. My doctor, while overly confident, decided to reduce my lithium dose, due to the fact that it was causing me increased acne. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, except that I had only been on the lower dose of Invega for about two weeks. Not long enough to fully withdraw!
So anyway, I was fine for the first part of the day, at the lower lithium dose. Then, I started having intrusive thoughts, kind of like voices but not really what you think of when you think of voices. They are much quieter and you know they are in your head. Actually, I've never really had true voices, just my own brand of pseudovoices. It's people saying mean things. Not even necessarily that mean of things, but another side effect of the medication is that you are way overly sensitive about what other people think. Whenever I hear this kind of stuff, my first instinct is to believe it is psychic, without even pausing. Because that's what it seems like to me. Let me tell you something. IT NEVER IS! These kind of voices are never, ever psychic. I am psychic. I actually am. But this is not one of my psychic abilities. If I think someone is talking about me, and I hear the words they are saying in my head, it's always complete and utter bullshit! But try telling that to stressed out and messed up brain, who automatically assumes this kind of think is psychic without even asking me if it is! What I am trying to say is, I react to it like it is real. So I have to tell myself, repeat to myself over and over and over again, what you are hearing now Rachel, it means absolutely nothing. No one thinks any of this bullshit. It is all in your head. It is all in your head. Then it goes away for a couple seconds, and I let my guard down, and I forget, and I hear something else, and I react to it again. My aura is going haywire when this happens! AHHH!! Go away go away go away!
This effect comes and goes. It gets worse, it gets absolutely horrible, when doing some sort of cardiovascular exercise. And shit I really got addicted to running lately, I realized how much I love running, but right now I can't run! Horrible circling thoughts drive me mad the entire time. So what I do is, I go on walks still. I can still do weight lifting, and yoga, and other strength-focused exercise classes. No cardio. Even when I go on walks, near the end the thoughts start circling.
It helps to make fun of the stuff I hear in my head. To laugh at those voices and make them feel like the stupid idiots that they are. One of the things I hear in my head is, "Rachel makes fun of black people!" When the fuck have I ever made fun of a black person? Why the fuck would anyone say that about me? There is absolutely no reason! It is absolutely ridiculous! But when I am running, I am weakened mentally, and I think, "Oh God! People think I make fun of black people!"
Yesterday, at one point, it got really bad, then I felt as if I had lifted a layer. There was a veil over my head and over my brain and over my mind that I lifted off. So much clarity! Beautiful! I am getting through this! I AM GETTING THROUGH THIS!
And as this is happening, I feel my psychic abilities increase. Something that really helps it is, posting something on Facebook, something that's interesting that's not embarrassing or stupid. Then I feel energy directed towards me, sometimes. Actually, not usually, but sometimes I do. And for the most part, it's nice energy. So when you are having this mental bullshit, and you feel like everyone in the entire world hates you, but than you feel the psychic energy people are directing toward you that's positive, that really, really helps. And I feel much better.
It doesn't anymore but it used to cycle between happy stuff and bad stuff. When I hear the happy stuff, I again have to remind myself that the shit I am experiencing is not psychic. Because sure, it feels good, but again it is like living in a happy delusional fairyland and believing all this wonderful shit that isn't true. I notice the mood changes getting less intense though. I don't really have the up anymore, just the mild down with annoying intrusive thoughts. It's not really devastating stuff I hear, just really annoying shit. Like, people reading too much into everything I do and taking things the wrong way.
This is a withdrawal symptom. It is only a withdrawal symptom. It is not the underlying condition. I never had any of these symptoms before I was on medication. I talked about it with one of my doctors, and he agreed that it sounded like invega withdrawal. Wow, it is so much easier to go on medication than it is to go off it!
So what this is, these are birth pains. Horrible, horrible birth pains. Which will lead to a rebirth. A newer, cleaner, better me, on a lower dose of medication. When I get through this, I will be happy and it will be absolutely beautiful. Until then, no cardio.
EDIT: After being on a lower dose of lithium for one day the next day I went back to the full dose. The effects didn't go away.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Withdrawal and Strength of Spirit
So, recently my doctor reduced my dose of Invega, an antipsychotic. This scared my parents. The last time the doctor tried reducing my dose of Invega, I became delusional again, and ended up in the hospital. But, as myself and my doctor knew, this time would be different. How far I had come, in these past ten or eleven months. This time would be different.
At first, I didn't notice anything at all different during the day, but I suffered from bouts of night depression, where I wake up in the middle of the night depressed. I would wake up, feeling like nothing at all in the world was interesting. I would worry about ending up on the streets. I even had some nightmares.
However, in time, my Invega withdrawal turned glorious and beautiful. I noticed increased psychic feelings. I enjoy these feelings, when they are not being distracting. Then, I noticed something even more glorious. I felt satisfaction with myself as a person. As I walked around, I carried around this glorious person with me. This glorious person was myself. It wasn't a narcissistic feeling, it wasn't the feeling that I was better than anyone else. More like, the feeling that I could be the likable main character in a novel. Sure, I wasn't perfect. But characters are never perfect, and their flaws make them more relatable and interesting. I also felt old. But when I feel old, it's a good thing. Kind of like, wise. I felt wise, and knowledgable, and a glorious feeling of grace that comes with age. Because as you get older, you feel more comfortable with yourself and with who you are. The thing is, these feelings weren't fake. I felt more self-confident, and better about myself, but it wasn't inflated self-esteem or well-being. It was genuine. What I felt was true. Because you realize, when you are young, and probably when you are old somewhat too, you don't realize how awesome you are. You doubt yourself. You focus on your flaws and feel worthless. You don't see your own beauty. But it's there. Your (inner) beauty is real, but you are blind to it. So this what this Invega withdrawal was, I was seeing something that was really there. I was feeling my own spiritual beauty. But it wasn't like, my spirit was any more beautiful than anyone else's. It's not a competition. Most people have beautiful spirits, but are blind to it.
When you feel this feeling, you feel like you have the power within yourself to handle whatever life throws at you. You think of what you have gone through so far in life, and how the way you handled it showed beauty and strength of spirit. Everywhere I go, I am happy. Truly happy, but not manic.
This wasn't mania. I haven't had any delusional thoughts.
At first, I didn't notice anything at all different during the day, but I suffered from bouts of night depression, where I wake up in the middle of the night depressed. I would wake up, feeling like nothing at all in the world was interesting. I would worry about ending up on the streets. I even had some nightmares.
However, in time, my Invega withdrawal turned glorious and beautiful. I noticed increased psychic feelings. I enjoy these feelings, when they are not being distracting. Then, I noticed something even more glorious. I felt satisfaction with myself as a person. As I walked around, I carried around this glorious person with me. This glorious person was myself. It wasn't a narcissistic feeling, it wasn't the feeling that I was better than anyone else. More like, the feeling that I could be the likable main character in a novel. Sure, I wasn't perfect. But characters are never perfect, and their flaws make them more relatable and interesting. I also felt old. But when I feel old, it's a good thing. Kind of like, wise. I felt wise, and knowledgable, and a glorious feeling of grace that comes with age. Because as you get older, you feel more comfortable with yourself and with who you are. The thing is, these feelings weren't fake. I felt more self-confident, and better about myself, but it wasn't inflated self-esteem or well-being. It was genuine. What I felt was true. Because you realize, when you are young, and probably when you are old somewhat too, you don't realize how awesome you are. You doubt yourself. You focus on your flaws and feel worthless. You don't see your own beauty. But it's there. Your (inner) beauty is real, but you are blind to it. So this what this Invega withdrawal was, I was seeing something that was really there. I was feeling my own spiritual beauty. But it wasn't like, my spirit was any more beautiful than anyone else's. It's not a competition. Most people have beautiful spirits, but are blind to it.
When you feel this feeling, you feel like you have the power within yourself to handle whatever life throws at you. You think of what you have gone through so far in life, and how the way you handled it showed beauty and strength of spirit. Everywhere I go, I am happy. Truly happy, but not manic.
This wasn't mania. I haven't had any delusional thoughts.
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