Taking Back My Life

Despite the fact that I am in aftercare, Innercept still tries to control my life. They try to control the food I buy at the grocery store. A couple weeks ago my mentor told me I needed to buy kiwis. I did, because I do like kiwis. Except I knew I would end up just throwing them out. Which I did, I found them all squishy the other day so I tossed them. I was going to try to eat them, but I really I knew I wouldn't and I didn't. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sick of Innercept trying to buy foods I know I won't eat. Because really, it's a waste of money. Money I could spend on foods I actually will eat.

I'm on my way out of the program now. I am almost out, but I have been in for over four years. I'm ready to take my life back. I have watched a lot of people go through this program. People with problems that Innercept had no idea how to help. The sad thing is, I'm considered one of their success stories. This is sad because the ways in which I have grown haven't had a damn thing to do with Innercept. In my opinion, Innercept hinders growth because it shelters you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

So I find myself increasingly irritated with the little things Innercept people ask me to do. I like my mentor. At least, I like one of my mentors. By that I mean, there is only one who I think is actually helpful. But anyway, even though I like her, I get irritated when she tells me to pick up my floor, put things down on a schedule, etc. I'll clean up my floor when I feel like it god damn it. I can live with it the way it is. If I decide I want my apartment to be clean, I will make it clean. If I decide it is fine dirty, then it will remain dirty. It's my space. My parents pay for it, not Innercept (I wish I could say that I pay for it myself but I haven't become financially independent yet). If I want to change I will change, if I have sufficient motivation, but Innercept staff doesn't have that kind of power over me. It is just annoying. And the thing about the schedule. I know in my mind when I have class, I don't need to write that down. I have it memorized. What I'm trying to say is, I do what works for me.

The funny thing about Innercept is that there isn't any sort of education about what your condition is. They just give you meds, don't tell you much about them, and you've got to take them or else you go off to stable or the hospital. Stable (short for stabilization) is a cabin out in the middle of nowhere where you spend all day doing either nothing at all, or moving logs about aimlessly, or from one place to another and then back again. Sometimes they don't even let you read. Everytime I've been sent there, I've been told the same line: "It's not punitive."

So I'm ready to take my life back. I am done with them peaking at me while I sleep, holding my computer for me, grading my behaviors, and treating me like I am a child. I am 25 and I will be 26 soon. Just let me live life for myself.