Going Numb

My rights were taken away six and a half years ago. At the time, this was too overwhelming to think about. So I just went numb. My parents told me it was for my benefit, and I didn't believe them but I accepted this answer. Because, I didn't want to think about it.

Awhile ago I was talking to some people from the program about being sent to psych wards. They told me it was such a diss to be sent to a psych ward, because you are being told you are a danger to yourself or other people. I didn't see it that way, and I wondered why I didn't see it that way. Then I thought about it, and I remembered. In the beginning I did see it that way. The first time I went to the psych ward I was beyond pissed. I was wondering what the fuck gave my parents the idea that this was somehow helpful. I was so fucking pissed I just sat in my room and stared out the window all day long. Which made the psych ward people think I was psychotic. I swear, anyone they will evaluate is "psychotic" according to the people at the psych ward.

But, then I went numb. And I forgot about the notion that if you are in the psych ward, you are supposedly a threat to yourself or other people. And I saw psych wards as an opportunity to connect with interesting people you wouldn't otherwise meet, who were in interesting conditions you wouldn't otherwise see them in. And I grew to fucking love psych wards. But I would never in my life want to go back, at least not as a patient. Never in my life.

So now I am starting to wake back up a little bit. And I am wondering when this is going to end. When am I going to get my rights back? I'm wondering what's going to happen when my parents die. Will I get my rights back then? Or will we have to hire channels in order to channel my dead parents to see what direction they want my life to go in. That would be interesting.

So anyway, I'm trying to work towards income. But my parents are standing in the way of this. I found a class I could take that could teach me web design skills so I could get a job making websites, but for some reason when it comes to things like my future my parents are stingy with their money. But when it comes to things like taking away my freedom, they will spend as much as it takes to do so, because "I'm worth it." Really, that's what they say. "Rachel, you're worth it."

So now all I have to do is wonder around town and apply for any job imaginable, and hope against hope that they will give me a chance despite my lack of employment history. Then, not only will I have income, but I will also be proving my ability to work like an adult. On top of that, I can save up money for this web design class I want to take, so that I can get a job with a little big more income then a job at a fast food restaurant or waiting tables or the like.

But anyway, that's what my life is like right now.