Sometimes I think I must be immature for the way I resent my parents. If I were more mature, I would recognize that them sacrificing so much money to send me to Innercept was something they did with good intentions. Instead, what I hear them say is, "we are spending all our money to put you in prison because we really love you and you're worth it, Rachel."
What they don't realize is that when they do such things, it puts distance between myself and them. It makes their words have less weight and mean less to me. It lessens their psychological influence over me.
One thing I do appreciate though. That is the fact that my parents recognize that I will do what I will do and they can't change that. That when it comes down to it, the decisions in my life are up to me to make.
I also find it very annoying that there is no such thing as confidentiality in therapy at Innercept. Anything you say in session can be repeated to your parents. Anything, even something harmless.
What my parents need to know is that I will always do what is right for me at the time. Any mistakes I make always ultimately lead to growth. And I will always move in the direction of bettering myself. I have been in some dark places but gotten out of them by myself. My parents talk about how well I am doing. I am the reason I am doing that way today, it doesn't have a damn thing to do with Innercept.
And I am sorry that my mom thinks so little of me.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Friday, September 21, 2012
Sheltered From the Way Most People Think
My bible study group took a break from meeting, but last night we met again. It was my first time back in bible study since July.
Not everyone was there, one of the ladies who has the most interesting personality was not there, nor was her husband. There are different people there every time actually, but the two of them are usually there. The people at bible study are very friendly towards me, and it kind of makes me feel bad because I wonder if they would be so friendly if they knew I didn't believe exactly what they believe about the bible. But going to this bible study is such a learning experience that it is worth it. I learn both from the part where we actually study the bible, and in listening to the stuff they say.
I'm trying to think of a word that describes how these people are. The word that comes to mind is sheltered. Not sheltered in the sense that they have never had real hard issues or problems in their lives, that's not what I mean. Sheltered in the sense that they don't understand what other people would think of the stuff they say.
For example, last night they were talking about belief in God. Now, those of you who read my blog regularly know that I believe in God. But it was this reason they had for believing in God. They said there had to be a god because Earth is just the right distance from the sun, and has just the right environment to support life. They said that even scientists are starting to recognize this necessity of a creator, but that they are being silly and some are saying aliens put us here. WTF? Who says that?
I probably don't even need to explain why the Earth thing is a crappy reason to believe in God. Obviously, life sprung up on Earth because it was a place that had the right conditions to support it. If the conditions hadn't been just right there would be no life. And the universe is so vast and huge, there has got to be some place, at least one place, with just the right conditions. And that is where life would be.
Other ways they don't understand what other people would think. One of the bible study's sons was at public school. I don't know what it was, but there was something that referred to "a god." The son made a huge fuss about it and insisted that it should say "the God." Apparently it turned into something that was like a big deal. Dude, you're at public school. You need to be open to the fact that not everyone has the same beliefs.
That's the thing about them, they don't understand this. They act like legalizing gay marriage is somehow infringing upon freedom of religion. If you are against gay marriage, don't marry someone of the same sex. That's what I think.
They feel the need to save people, and they don't seem to understand that a lot of people think that their attitudes and beliefs are kind of cooky. I don't know if it's because they don't realize this or because they just don't care, but I think it might be the former.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be mean to these people. I think they are nice people. All I am saying is that I don't think they understand certain things.
Not everyone was there, one of the ladies who has the most interesting personality was not there, nor was her husband. There are different people there every time actually, but the two of them are usually there. The people at bible study are very friendly towards me, and it kind of makes me feel bad because I wonder if they would be so friendly if they knew I didn't believe exactly what they believe about the bible. But going to this bible study is such a learning experience that it is worth it. I learn both from the part where we actually study the bible, and in listening to the stuff they say.
I'm trying to think of a word that describes how these people are. The word that comes to mind is sheltered. Not sheltered in the sense that they have never had real hard issues or problems in their lives, that's not what I mean. Sheltered in the sense that they don't understand what other people would think of the stuff they say.
For example, last night they were talking about belief in God. Now, those of you who read my blog regularly know that I believe in God. But it was this reason they had for believing in God. They said there had to be a god because Earth is just the right distance from the sun, and has just the right environment to support life. They said that even scientists are starting to recognize this necessity of a creator, but that they are being silly and some are saying aliens put us here. WTF? Who says that?
I probably don't even need to explain why the Earth thing is a crappy reason to believe in God. Obviously, life sprung up on Earth because it was a place that had the right conditions to support it. If the conditions hadn't been just right there would be no life. And the universe is so vast and huge, there has got to be some place, at least one place, with just the right conditions. And that is where life would be.
Other ways they don't understand what other people would think. One of the bible study's sons was at public school. I don't know what it was, but there was something that referred to "a god." The son made a huge fuss about it and insisted that it should say "the God." Apparently it turned into something that was like a big deal. Dude, you're at public school. You need to be open to the fact that not everyone has the same beliefs.
That's the thing about them, they don't understand this. They act like legalizing gay marriage is somehow infringing upon freedom of religion. If you are against gay marriage, don't marry someone of the same sex. That's what I think.
They feel the need to save people, and they don't seem to understand that a lot of people think that their attitudes and beliefs are kind of cooky. I don't know if it's because they don't realize this or because they just don't care, but I think it might be the former.
Anyway, I'm not trying to be mean to these people. I think they are nice people. All I am saying is that I don't think they understand certain things.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Leaving Your Comfort Zone Despite Crippling Anxiety
So I'm wondering why I decided to continue on to intermediate acting. Actually, I know why I decided to. It wasn't because I plan on making any sort of career out of acting. I know that I am fooling myself if I thought I could be good enough to make it like that. The reason I took the class was to get myself out of my comfort zone. It sounded like a good idea about three months before classes started.
We were assigned an assignment which involved us doing something in front of the class that we only did alone and makes us slightly uncomfortable. The trouble with this particular assignment is, it doesn't matter what the hell I'm doing, if I am in front of the class alone then I am uncomfortable. On top of that, we are supposed to make ourselves vulnerable in some emotional way through what we are doing.
So I decided to do something in front of the mirror. I kind of planned it out but didn't practice. I realized as I was preparing to do this in front of the class that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to do this. So I pretended to look in the mirror, which was actually the audience, and then I sighed and then put on some makeup. I was thinking that maybe I was pretending to think I was ugly or something, like this was a moment where I was insecure about my looks. I thought that might be an okay thing to do. Trouble is, I just got so damn nervous, I thought I was going to have a repeat of the near-faint I had during my speech last spring. I was shaking and I thought it might be visible. In the middle of the performance I suddenly said I was done. For some reason I think that maybe my shaking wasn't as obvious as I thought it was, but I don't know. The teacher seemed kind of surprised and said ok that was short but ok. Anyway.
So I felt like I failed. And now I'm wondering how I am going to pursue my destiny when I get so nervous in front of people. Like, how am I going to be a public figure. Because I am going to be a public figure.
I'm having trouble getting people to appreciate the parts of my book that I want them to appreciate. So, I rewrite it. It almost seems like a lost cause sometimes, but I persist because I know that it has something that if I succeed at making other people see it will be a big deal. Trouble is that I take for granted that I understand it so well, that it is not obvious to me what parts people might not understand, so I don't necessarily explain those parts.
One of the psychics at the holistic fair said it would happen, and that I would be a speaker at places bigger than that place, meaning bigger than the holistic fair. She told me something else that I think is going to happen, but that's something secret. She was also the one that advised me to meet literary agents in person. That was good advice, despite the fact that I have only heard back from one of them, and that was a no. But I didn't have high expectations for that particular literary agent.
Anyway, so for now I just have to deal with the horrible crippling anxiety.
We were assigned an assignment which involved us doing something in front of the class that we only did alone and makes us slightly uncomfortable. The trouble with this particular assignment is, it doesn't matter what the hell I'm doing, if I am in front of the class alone then I am uncomfortable. On top of that, we are supposed to make ourselves vulnerable in some emotional way through what we are doing.
So I decided to do something in front of the mirror. I kind of planned it out but didn't practice. I realized as I was preparing to do this in front of the class that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to do this. So I pretended to look in the mirror, which was actually the audience, and then I sighed and then put on some makeup. I was thinking that maybe I was pretending to think I was ugly or something, like this was a moment where I was insecure about my looks. I thought that might be an okay thing to do. Trouble is, I just got so damn nervous, I thought I was going to have a repeat of the near-faint I had during my speech last spring. I was shaking and I thought it might be visible. In the middle of the performance I suddenly said I was done. For some reason I think that maybe my shaking wasn't as obvious as I thought it was, but I don't know. The teacher seemed kind of surprised and said ok that was short but ok. Anyway.
So I felt like I failed. And now I'm wondering how I am going to pursue my destiny when I get so nervous in front of people. Like, how am I going to be a public figure. Because I am going to be a public figure.
I'm having trouble getting people to appreciate the parts of my book that I want them to appreciate. So, I rewrite it. It almost seems like a lost cause sometimes, but I persist because I know that it has something that if I succeed at making other people see it will be a big deal. Trouble is that I take for granted that I understand it so well, that it is not obvious to me what parts people might not understand, so I don't necessarily explain those parts.
One of the psychics at the holistic fair said it would happen, and that I would be a speaker at places bigger than that place, meaning bigger than the holistic fair. She told me something else that I think is going to happen, but that's something secret. She was also the one that advised me to meet literary agents in person. That was good advice, despite the fact that I have only heard back from one of them, and that was a no. But I didn't have high expectations for that particular literary agent.
Anyway, so for now I just have to deal with the horrible crippling anxiety.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
People People
Awhile ago my mentor shared a particular quote with me. I have no idea whose quote it is. The quote was something along the lines of: "feeble minds think about people, average minds think about things, great minds think about ideas." Today I am going to explain why I think this quote is false.
I would agree that great minds think about ideas. I disagree that feeble minds think about people. The reason is because I think that being people oriented and being genuinely interested in other people is one of the best things you can be.
I think that the person who said this was thinking that these feeble-minded people think about other people in a negative way. They are people who are obsessed with gossip. They talk about people behind their backs in a nasty way. I agree that these people are no good.
But being concerned with other people isn't in itself bad. It's a hell of a lot better than being overly preoccupied with yourself. I think there are too many people who are overly preoccupied with themselves. Myself included, perhaps.
The thing about me is though, I have the tendency to develop odd fascinations with other people. Not necessarily crushes, though not necessarily not crushes either. I become interested in a particular person, usually because there is something about them that I find quirky. And I love quirkiness. So I am drawn to quirky people. I notice the things that these people do and I may talk about them with other people. I might laugh at and make fun of these people. Yet, even though I make fun of them, I still like them. Because you have a tendency to pick on people you like. Not necessarily like in a romantic way, just like as a person.
And the way it works is, even if I got in a fight with a particular person, and was perhaps kind of mean to them, in the end, after some time has passed, I end up liking them. For the soul reason that through arguing, we bonded.
I remember being at the Innercept office once, and entering a room full of Innerceptians. "Look, it's all my favorite people!" I said. The thing was that I meant it. Not necessarily my favorite people in the entire world, but it was all people whom I liked. Because I like people, and we were all at Innercept so we had that in common. It was something that bonded us together. And I have respect for people who are in this program, whether or not I like them, because I know they are not at Innercept because they are weak. It is because they have had to deal with some crappy bullshit in life that the majority of people don't have to deal with. Even the people I don't necessarily like in the program, and there are very few of these people, I respect for this reason.
There are two reasons why I am not excessively social most of the time. One of them is because even though I like people, I also fear people. The other is because sometimes I have a hard time pulling myself out of my own head and making conversation with other people.
I would agree that great minds think about ideas. I disagree that feeble minds think about people. The reason is because I think that being people oriented and being genuinely interested in other people is one of the best things you can be.
I think that the person who said this was thinking that these feeble-minded people think about other people in a negative way. They are people who are obsessed with gossip. They talk about people behind their backs in a nasty way. I agree that these people are no good.
But being concerned with other people isn't in itself bad. It's a hell of a lot better than being overly preoccupied with yourself. I think there are too many people who are overly preoccupied with themselves. Myself included, perhaps.
The thing about me is though, I have the tendency to develop odd fascinations with other people. Not necessarily crushes, though not necessarily not crushes either. I become interested in a particular person, usually because there is something about them that I find quirky. And I love quirkiness. So I am drawn to quirky people. I notice the things that these people do and I may talk about them with other people. I might laugh at and make fun of these people. Yet, even though I make fun of them, I still like them. Because you have a tendency to pick on people you like. Not necessarily like in a romantic way, just like as a person.
And the way it works is, even if I got in a fight with a particular person, and was perhaps kind of mean to them, in the end, after some time has passed, I end up liking them. For the soul reason that through arguing, we bonded.
I remember being at the Innercept office once, and entering a room full of Innerceptians. "Look, it's all my favorite people!" I said. The thing was that I meant it. Not necessarily my favorite people in the entire world, but it was all people whom I liked. Because I like people, and we were all at Innercept so we had that in common. It was something that bonded us together. And I have respect for people who are in this program, whether or not I like them, because I know they are not at Innercept because they are weak. It is because they have had to deal with some crappy bullshit in life that the majority of people don't have to deal with. Even the people I don't necessarily like in the program, and there are very few of these people, I respect for this reason.
There are two reasons why I am not excessively social most of the time. One of them is because even though I like people, I also fear people. The other is because sometimes I have a hard time pulling myself out of my own head and making conversation with other people.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Talking to One's Self
I would like to take a moment to explain something. This is something that I had to explain to my mom because she didn’t understand. That is, the fundamental difference between talking to yourself, and talking to someone who isn’t there.
I have done the former on many occasions. On so many occasions have I done the former! I have never once in my life lost touch with reality to the point where I did the latter.
When I talk to myself, I move my mouth but I don’t speak out loud. Though, I think sometimes I whisper, or something, because sometimes people can hear it in the other room. At least, they did at one point two years ago.
See, I asked my parents once if it was normal to think like you were having a conversation with someone, even though there wasn’t anyone else there. They said that it was normal. That’s all that talking to yourself is. You are having an imaginary conversation. Sometimes you explain certain things to no one. Like I will explain certain aspects of the delusional experience or the like. Sometimes you rehash things that have happened. This is usually when you are a little more out of it, I haven’t done this in a really long time I don’t think. The difference between talking to yourself and what my parents told me was normal, that is thinking like you are having a conversation with someone, is that with this you move your mouth a little bit to the words you are thinking. That is the only difference. When I have done this, I have always been well aware that there was no one else there. I have been well aware that it was a ONE SIDED CONVERSATION. You never get any sort of responses to anything you say. I repeat, it is no different than thinking like you are talking to someone. Except, you might move your mouth, and you might gesture sometimes.
I hate it how sometimes other people think they somehow know better than me about what’s going on inside my head. I’m the one who spends every moment of every day inside my head. I know what I am thinking. My sister tries to tell me that I was talking to someone who wasn’t there, because I was leaning over in a certain direction and moving my mouth. If I recall correctly, it was less that I was leaning towards someone, and more that I was leaning away from my family to hide it. At any rate, I remember this incident, we were at a restaurant, and this was a time when I was rehashing stuff. So I actually wasn’t even having a conversation.
Why do I do these thing? I do them without thinking about them. They are unconscious. I lose a certain amount of control. I can regain control if I focus on it, but then I will slip back again if I stop focusing on it. That is, if I am somehow excessively wired. These things only happen when I am excessively wired.
Okay, so now I will discuss talking to someone who isn’t there.
I have seen many a person at the psych ward do this. You’ll notice that these are two-way conversations. You can tell that they are two way conversations because the person will say something to no one, pause like they are listening to a response, and then react to whatever it was that was said. Sometimes they will chuckle like the other person said something funny. One time I thought this one lady was about to strip. She started touching her clothes like she was going to take them off and she said, “but the music’s not right.” This lady had children who were older than me. She was an interesting lady, to say the least.
So anyway, this concludes my discussion on talking to one’s self. These are things I don’t do anymore, but it pisses me off when people act like I was once so psychotic.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Going Numb
My rights were taken away six and a half years ago. At the time, this was too overwhelming to think about. So I just went numb. My parents told me it was for my benefit, and I didn't believe them but I accepted this answer. Because, I didn't want to think about it.
Awhile ago I was talking to some people from the program about being sent to psych wards. They told me it was such a diss to be sent to a psych ward, because you are being told you are a danger to yourself or other people. I didn't see it that way, and I wondered why I didn't see it that way. Then I thought about it, and I remembered. In the beginning I did see it that way. The first time I went to the psych ward I was beyond pissed. I was wondering what the fuck gave my parents the idea that this was somehow helpful. I was so fucking pissed I just sat in my room and stared out the window all day long. Which made the psych ward people think I was psychotic. I swear, anyone they will evaluate is "psychotic" according to the people at the psych ward.
But, then I went numb. And I forgot about the notion that if you are in the psych ward, you are supposedly a threat to yourself or other people. And I saw psych wards as an opportunity to connect with interesting people you wouldn't otherwise meet, who were in interesting conditions you wouldn't otherwise see them in. And I grew to fucking love psych wards. But I would never in my life want to go back, at least not as a patient. Never in my life.
So now I am starting to wake back up a little bit. And I am wondering when this is going to end. When am I going to get my rights back? I'm wondering what's going to happen when my parents die. Will I get my rights back then? Or will we have to hire channels in order to channel my dead parents to see what direction they want my life to go in. That would be interesting.
So anyway, I'm trying to work towards income. But my parents are standing in the way of this. I found a class I could take that could teach me web design skills so I could get a job making websites, but for some reason when it comes to things like my future my parents are stingy with their money. But when it comes to things like taking away my freedom, they will spend as much as it takes to do so, because "I'm worth it." Really, that's what they say. "Rachel, you're worth it."
So now all I have to do is wonder around town and apply for any job imaginable, and hope against hope that they will give me a chance despite my lack of employment history. Then, not only will I have income, but I will also be proving my ability to work like an adult. On top of that, I can save up money for this web design class I want to take, so that I can get a job with a little big more income then a job at a fast food restaurant or waiting tables or the like.
But anyway, that's what my life is like right now.
Awhile ago I was talking to some people from the program about being sent to psych wards. They told me it was such a diss to be sent to a psych ward, because you are being told you are a danger to yourself or other people. I didn't see it that way, and I wondered why I didn't see it that way. Then I thought about it, and I remembered. In the beginning I did see it that way. The first time I went to the psych ward I was beyond pissed. I was wondering what the fuck gave my parents the idea that this was somehow helpful. I was so fucking pissed I just sat in my room and stared out the window all day long. Which made the psych ward people think I was psychotic. I swear, anyone they will evaluate is "psychotic" according to the people at the psych ward.
But, then I went numb. And I forgot about the notion that if you are in the psych ward, you are supposedly a threat to yourself or other people. And I saw psych wards as an opportunity to connect with interesting people you wouldn't otherwise meet, who were in interesting conditions you wouldn't otherwise see them in. And I grew to fucking love psych wards. But I would never in my life want to go back, at least not as a patient. Never in my life.
So now I am starting to wake back up a little bit. And I am wondering when this is going to end. When am I going to get my rights back? I'm wondering what's going to happen when my parents die. Will I get my rights back then? Or will we have to hire channels in order to channel my dead parents to see what direction they want my life to go in. That would be interesting.
So anyway, I'm trying to work towards income. But my parents are standing in the way of this. I found a class I could take that could teach me web design skills so I could get a job making websites, but for some reason when it comes to things like my future my parents are stingy with their money. But when it comes to things like taking away my freedom, they will spend as much as it takes to do so, because "I'm worth it." Really, that's what they say. "Rachel, you're worth it."
So now all I have to do is wonder around town and apply for any job imaginable, and hope against hope that they will give me a chance despite my lack of employment history. Then, not only will I have income, but I will also be proving my ability to work like an adult. On top of that, I can save up money for this web design class I want to take, so that I can get a job with a little big more income then a job at a fast food restaurant or waiting tables or the like.
But anyway, that's what my life is like right now.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Taking Back My Life
Despite the fact that I am in aftercare, Innercept still tries to control my life. They try to control the food I buy at the grocery store. A couple weeks ago my mentor told me I needed to buy kiwis. I did, because I do like kiwis. Except I knew I would end up just throwing them out. Which I did, I found them all squishy the other day so I tossed them. I was going to try to eat them, but I really I knew I wouldn't and I didn't. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sick of Innercept trying to buy foods I know I won't eat. Because really, it's a waste of money. Money I could spend on foods I actually will eat.
I'm on my way out of the program now. I am almost out, but I have been in for over four years. I'm ready to take my life back. I have watched a lot of people go through this program. People with problems that Innercept had no idea how to help. The sad thing is, I'm considered one of their success stories. This is sad because the ways in which I have grown haven't had a damn thing to do with Innercept. In my opinion, Innercept hinders growth because it shelters you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
So I find myself increasingly irritated with the little things Innercept people ask me to do. I like my mentor. At least, I like one of my mentors. By that I mean, there is only one who I think is actually helpful. But anyway, even though I like her, I get irritated when she tells me to pick up my floor, put things down on a schedule, etc. I'll clean up my floor when I feel like it god damn it. I can live with it the way it is. If I decide I want my apartment to be clean, I will make it clean. If I decide it is fine dirty, then it will remain dirty. It's my space. My parents pay for it, not Innercept (I wish I could say that I pay for it myself but I haven't become financially independent yet). If I want to change I will change, if I have sufficient motivation, but Innercept staff doesn't have that kind of power over me. It is just annoying. And the thing about the schedule. I know in my mind when I have class, I don't need to write that down. I have it memorized. What I'm trying to say is, I do what works for me.
The funny thing about Innercept is that there isn't any sort of education about what your condition is. They just give you meds, don't tell you much about them, and you've got to take them or else you go off to stable or the hospital. Stable (short for stabilization) is a cabin out in the middle of nowhere where you spend all day doing either nothing at all, or moving logs about aimlessly, or from one place to another and then back again. Sometimes they don't even let you read. Everytime I've been sent there, I've been told the same line: "It's not punitive."
So I'm ready to take my life back. I am done with them peaking at me while I sleep, holding my computer for me, grading my behaviors, and treating me like I am a child. I am 25 and I will be 26 soon. Just let me live life for myself.
I'm on my way out of the program now. I am almost out, but I have been in for over four years. I'm ready to take my life back. I have watched a lot of people go through this program. People with problems that Innercept had no idea how to help. The sad thing is, I'm considered one of their success stories. This is sad because the ways in which I have grown haven't had a damn thing to do with Innercept. In my opinion, Innercept hinders growth because it shelters you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.
So I find myself increasingly irritated with the little things Innercept people ask me to do. I like my mentor. At least, I like one of my mentors. By that I mean, there is only one who I think is actually helpful. But anyway, even though I like her, I get irritated when she tells me to pick up my floor, put things down on a schedule, etc. I'll clean up my floor when I feel like it god damn it. I can live with it the way it is. If I decide I want my apartment to be clean, I will make it clean. If I decide it is fine dirty, then it will remain dirty. It's my space. My parents pay for it, not Innercept (I wish I could say that I pay for it myself but I haven't become financially independent yet). If I want to change I will change, if I have sufficient motivation, but Innercept staff doesn't have that kind of power over me. It is just annoying. And the thing about the schedule. I know in my mind when I have class, I don't need to write that down. I have it memorized. What I'm trying to say is, I do what works for me.
The funny thing about Innercept is that there isn't any sort of education about what your condition is. They just give you meds, don't tell you much about them, and you've got to take them or else you go off to stable or the hospital. Stable (short for stabilization) is a cabin out in the middle of nowhere where you spend all day doing either nothing at all, or moving logs about aimlessly, or from one place to another and then back again. Sometimes they don't even let you read. Everytime I've been sent there, I've been told the same line: "It's not punitive."
So I'm ready to take my life back. I am done with them peaking at me while I sleep, holding my computer for me, grading my behaviors, and treating me like I am a child. I am 25 and I will be 26 soon. Just let me live life for myself.
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