The Woes of Being an Unpublished Author

Trying to get published is a maddening process that I don’t recommend for anyone.

If you’ve read previous posts you already know that I wrote a magazine article, which I submitted to a magazine. I got a rejection, but based on what they said in the personal note they wrote me, and on the fact that I got a personal note in the first place, they did like it and seriously considered publishing it. So, as far as getting published goes, this means I got close but didn’t quite make it. I’ve since submitted to another magazine.

This was a short, just over two page double-spaced article. I’m more concerned about getting my book published, which is 370 pages double spaced. The article was in my opinion some of my best writing. My book isn’t poorly written but it’s hard to keep up a strong sense of voice for 370 pages. It was easy when it was just two pages.

Another thing I know is, writing is a magical process and it’s hard to just sit down and write something good at any random time. And if I didn’t do drugs, forget it, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I take these drugs legally (Adderall through prescription plus caffeine and nicotine gum). These drugs keep my thoughts from darting around randomly, and makes them flow in a conversational stream. I get caught on one subject, start feeling passionately opinionated about something, and that’s when the magic happens. That’s when I’m in the mood to write. That’s why I decided against going off Adderall.

But anyway, back to my book. So around the beginning of the year I wrote a new query letter, posted in on a website for writers, got positive feedback, and I have since resumed querying. I’ve sent out more than ten query letters and I have gotten back four form rejections. One thing you have to understand, though, is a lot of literary agencies don’t send form rejections, they simply don’t respond if they’re not interested. So that doesn’t mean I am awaiting at least six more responses, some of the others have probably passed on my project without the courtesy of telling me. But I should receive a few more responses.

So I am reminded of that common definition of insanity that everyone is familiar with. I feel like keep doing the same thing over and over again. But, come to think of it, I don’t really expect a different result, whenever I see a response to one of my queries in my inbox I fully expect a form rejection, and hey, it always is. But you haven’t failed until you’ve given up. I keep telling myself I’m not going to give up until I’m published. I’m really at a loss for what to do next, though. I kind of wonder if these agencies ever send out anything besides form rejections. I’m really, really frustrated. I don’t even feel guided anymore. I’m just standing alone in the middle of nowhere completely lost, without any means of moving forward. Perhaps I’m being too dramatic.

Honestly, I would have given up already, if it weren’t for the fact that I think that my book is the best fucking thing ever. Yes, it is. Sure, it’s a bit different from the other books on the market. There isn’t any book that I’ve heard of that I would compare it to. But different is a good thing, the way I see it. Some people have read (parts of) it and some of them also act like it’s the best thing ever. Trouble is, I get mad because I don’t think they really understand it. In order to understand my book, you have to have a good comprehension of what I believed when I was delusional. While reading about it, you have to stay on your toes, in order to properly digest the information I feed to you in that section of the book, and you have to do it in a hurry because I feed it to you fast. It’s also the kind of book that’s worth reading more than once.

But, to sum things up, my fight to get published isn’t over till it’s over. And, as of right now, it’s far from over. That’s all for now.

Stupid Western Culture

Sometimes if I think too much about the culture we live in, the inconsistencies drive me crazy.

So I live in conservative Christian north Idaho. I own a bible. I read my bible, usually nightly. I attend a two and a half hour bible study on Tuesday nights, and church most Sundays. According to facebook I'm a born-again deist. I change my beliefs from time to time, and whenever I change them I'm a "born again" something or other.

I don't know if that's even relevant, but the point is I listen. I see value in acquiring information and then using my power of reason to reason my way through it, to decide what I believe and what I don't believe.

Trouble is, I'm not allowed to come to my own conclusions about things, unless they are consistent with other peoples' conclusions. If they don't match up, I am labeled unfit to make my own decisions.

It's because of the culture we live in, stupid materialistic western culture, that thinks that everything is physical and chemical.

Anyway, what got me started on this was that the night before last I had a bad dream about malls. It may have been about malls because I died in a mall in a previous life. This is a subject I won't get into. Anyway, it felt as if my mind were under attack. I was wondering about this, and looked up "psychic attacks" on the internet. I came across some interesting pages. I can relate to the symptoms of being influenced by a spirit. I can relate to the feeling of being "drained." It's not a feeling of being hungry, tired, or even depressed, but just like the life is sucked out of you. It's not like you're coming off a drug either, I know what that feels like. When I was feeling "drained," I felt this other person inside of me and I was worried that they were going to take me over completely. I was scared.

It's culturally accepted to believe in the bible. In the bible, Jesus drives demons out of people. But today, that kind of stuff doesn't happen. Or maybe I'm getting two different cultures mixed up. There's Christian culture and then there's atheistic culture.

My mom talks to and trusts psychics. The same psychic she trusts told me that my "mental illness" wasn't just a mental illness, it was a psychic thing, but that my brain was adding to it too. She also said that it's not just in my head that a spirit is messing with me, there is (or was) one pestering me. But my mom likes to talk to psychics to contact the dead relatives. I read on the website yesterday that dead people aren't really a good source of information because they don't necessarily have any more information than they did while they were alive.

At any rate, I don't even know why I'm posting this, as it may make certain people think that I am unfit to make my own decisions.

The Kind of Things that Only Happen to Me

Sometimes I think I just hold onto anger because it's fun.

I was doing research for a school project today, and something I was researching got me thinking. This is where things are vague. I was thinking about how curious I was about certain things. Then, I realized I might be happier not knowing certain things, because the truth would probably just upset me and piss me off. And a mild cloud of despair started to form, as I stewed in these thoughts, imagining what certain people might think.

And in this moment I realized something. I mentioned before there is someone whom I am angry at. And just in case someone comes across this who is aware of certain events in my life, let's just say it's someone you wouldn't expect. Before I was thinking I had gotten over the real sting of what they did, I just continued to seethe because, well, I like to seethe! But in this moment, I realized how much better off I'd be, how much more comfortable I'd feel if this person hadn't done what they did. And I felt justified in my anger.

So I sat there, thinking about how people just don't understand. If they had only known what things were like for me, they wouldn't be this way. But oh, I know how people are. They like to assume the worst. Sometimes I do this too, I assume the worst. If I didn't assume the worst, it wouldn't mean anything to me, what this person did. But when you don't have very much information to go by, you closely examine the information you do have, and draw conclusions based on it. I am very familiar with this.

So, I combat all this with hope and positive feelings about the future. I will publish my book, which explains my side of the story. And people will hear my side of the story. Of course no one would understand now. These are the kind of things that only happen to me.

The Human Connection

So I wanted to write about something that I was thinking about the other day, but didn't get around to actually blogging about. No one talked to me about this particular subject, I was just listening to some people on the bus talking about religion and it made me think of it.

I like to talk about religion, and about philosophical beliefs in general. I have my own beliefs, and I like to share them. I like to ask other people about their beliefs. I am aware that this is a sensitive topic for some people and some shy away from talking about it. But I don't shy away from it.

I am curious person and I ask people questions about their beliefs. When I do so, I have no intention of changing their mind about anything. I just seek to understand. I don't care one way or the other what you believe as long as it's not something that causes you to do something that's damaging to someone else. The only thing I care about is that if we don't agree, we can put our differences aside, agree to disagree and still connect on a human level. This might sound weird coming from someone who doesn't talk to very many people, but I see the human connection as the only thing that really matters. I see it as valuable to be able to connect with a wide variety of different people. Because the way I see it, nothing bad is going to happen to you if you don't believe the "right thing."

This was a short entry.