Spirits, Sage, and Skepticism

I have a flaw and that's that I'm too open about talking about the supernatural. Of course, this can also attract people who are enlightened to the existence of the paranormal, or even people who aren't strong believers but are open-minded. But sometimes I forget that there are people who strongly disbelieve. But maybe it's okay to turn these people off because these people bother me, or at least at times they do.

There's nothing wrong with skepticism, because after all, "be skeptical yet open-minded" is my motto or it is as of this moment. They guy who wrote The Four Agreements (a book Innercept is obsessed with) stole it and made it the fifth agreement. What I'm saying is, I do appreciate skepticism. There's a staff member here who's very spiritual, and we have arguments about astrology (I say it's bullshit). And at my first program, there was a girl who mentioned several times that water changes on a molecular level when exposed to different emotions, and I heard another guy say when she wasn't around that everytime he hears someone say that he wants to cry bullshit but he doesn't. And that doesn't bother me because I'm not so sure about this either. My dad judges science fairs, and he says that there's always someone doing that experiment, where there's water with pictures by it, and the guy who did the experiment claims the water molecules by the happy picture are much prettier than the water molecules by the angry or unhappy picture, but my dad looks through the microscope and says really, there's no difference.

But anyway, here's what got to me. The spiritual staff I mentioned before said she had a lighter in her car, because she's saged it once or twice. Julia questioned the whole saging thing, and the staff said it's a Native American thing that gets rid of negative energy. And then I mentioned something that's completely true, which was that my sister saged a spirit out of her apartment. Then I think that the staff questioned if that would work, and I mentioned the spirit eventually came back. Anyway, it was a true story, because these sorts of things happen to my sister, and different weird things happen to me. Saging out a spirit? Normal. But then I realized that some people don't come from my family and to them it's not normal, and the manner in which I spoke of it sort of made it sound like I made it up. So I said something like, "I didn't make that up that's actually true." And then Julia says, "You better stop talking about these spirit things, because if you don't youo might actually start believing them." And I was angry about this, and I wanted to insult her and get revenge somehow, but I try to be mature, and one thing that I strongly feel is immature is the need to get revenge, especially about small things, and this was a small thing. But eventually, I realized that it was funny. Because she doesn't realize that I'm dead fucking serious about believing in spirits. It's not a joke to me. But at the same time, spirits are an inside joke I share with myself that I can laugh about forever and it will never get any less funny. Dammit, this is complicated.

I realize that writing this has been therapeutic to me, and I've concluded that maybe it's not a flaw to be open about what you believe. The exception is if you believe something that could be seen as offensive. Or at least, you should be open about things that are central to who you are, like my belief in spirits. Your opinion on abortion? Keep that to yourself. But as for things that define you (because if your opinion on abortion is what defines you I think you're lame), you should be open and you will attract people who are like you and distance yourself from the people you want to be distanced from. Except, sometimes you have to get along with people you don't like, so that won't always work.

I had a lucid dream where there was a famous lady showcasing furniture in an outside arena. I asked a woman why I was dreaming about this, which is a cool trick because sometimes their answers make sense, and she told me that it was about being open about things. I also had a website for my lesbian alter ego. True story. I mean, it was true in the dream.

A Program of Pill Pushers

So here's what happens when you live at Innercept. Instead of seeing the decision to stop taking Adderall as a positive life choice, which is what it is, they see it as me being defiant. Because what these people do is, they make assumptions. Of course, one of the four agreements is to not make assumptions, but some people don't practice what they preach. They assume that one day I'm just going to go about refusing Adderall, even though that's not what I was planning. I was planning on talking to my doctor about it, and then going off gradually, even though I'm not even on that high of a dose to begin with. It's kind of a ridiculous concept, refusing Adderall.

So staff says to me, "what you write on the internet, anyone can read." Well that's nice, because that means I can say what I want to say. I think Innercept is a program of pill pushers. The decision to take drugs should be a personal choice. But here, they tell me that if I don't take my drugs, they're going to take me to the hospital and inject me with them. Yes, that's what my parents said back when I refused Geodon. They put everyone here on antipsychotics. Now, not everyone needs antipsychotics. But the doctor here is of the opinion that antipsychotics optimize the human experience and that everyone benefits from a good antipsychotic. No, that's not a quote, but that's probably what he thinks. Antipsychotics cause weight gain, diabetes, tardive (sp?) dyskinesis, and general feelings of crappiness. But you can tell by all the pharmaceutical company merchandise lying around the office and the campuses that the doctor has been bribed by the pharmaceutical companies, which is also probably why he takes so many vacations to Italy and Hawaii.

Another thing about Innercept is that they don't believe in clocks that work. At the place I live, it is eternally 4:17. If I were a stoner, which I'm not, but if I was that would drive me fucking crazy.

Adderall

So first off, I worked hard to get to the library so I could post this. Innercept won't let me use my laptop anymore so I can't use wifi at the gym. Staff didn't want me to go to the library today but I defied them. And then I grabbed a bus schedule that was apparently old, because I was going to catch the bus from the gym and I looked out the window 20 minutes before it was scheduled to arrive and there it was leaving. But dammit, I wanted to post this blog! So I tried to get to Riverstone in time to catch the bus from there, but I couldn't with all the damn crosswalks. Then I decided to walk the distance to NIC, because I was determined. I got there and the library was closed. Then I braved the wind and the rain to walk from there to the Coeur d'Alene public library. So here I am now. And dammit, I'm going to post this blog.

I made a decision a few days ago that I never thought I'd make. I've decided to go off Adderall.

Adderall is more than something I take for concentration, but it's also more than something I abuse to get a high. It made the world seem worthwhile back when life seemed dull and pointless, it gave me self-confidence back when I felt worthless. It's like I've been on crutches for the past ten years. Now, I feel like I might be strong enough to go off them. I was tested for nutritional deficiencies, and it was proven that I have an imbalance that means low dopamine, the happy neurotransmitter that Adderall increases (the one that also helps you focus). I've been taking supplements to correct this imbalance.

It's funny, because I can't believe I'm going to do this. I know myself and it's not something I would do. I might recognize that I don't need Adderall anymore, but normally I would continue taking it anyway just because I could. Honestly, I feel like this is my higher self or something greater than myself pushing this. I feel this urge to clean up my act.

I actually have a lot to say about this particular topic, but I'm not going to say very much. The reason is because I see this as the subject of my second book, because I think I have enough stuff to say that it could fill an entire book.