When You Take Adderall Out of the Equation

What I hear from my dad that gets in the way of me living my life at times....

"When you go down hill, it always takes you exceptionally long to recover! You're always down for a really long time! Why can't you see it?"

The reason is, back when I took Adderall... Each time I went "down hill," they took me off Adderall.

When I was off Adderall, every single time, I don't feel like getting out of bed. I feel like shit.

If you look at the history, the exact moment I started to recover was the moment I got the Adderall prescription back.

But this was written not as cause and effect, but effect and then cause.

If we just never took me off Adderall, there would be no problem!

"But that's not what the bipolar literature says."

If I wrote the "bipolar literature," it wouldn't say that. It would say a lot of different stuff. And it wouldn't be called that either.

The First Episode: An Exercise in Psychological Remodelling At the Extreme

The thing I wanted to talk about today was, my first delusional episode.

This was the thing that tore my life apart, through my life upside down, pulled it inside out, and changed me as a person so much I didn't recognize myself afterwards.

It's the kind of thing that made me a real person, and gave me as a person substance. Because it was interesting.

But the thing I puzzle over constantly is, what changed? Everything. But what in particular changed. I don't know. I can't point to anything at all and pinpoint, well that personality trait changed. All I know is, the initial episode changed everything about me at the same time.

That's why it's a real slap in the face to get unfriended on Facebook over something like this. There was a girl who, through understanding of the social dynamics of some of my social circles, that is the reason she unfriended me, she heard a rumor. And it's like, even if it had been something depressing, or something I wasn't proud of, or something mundane that resulted in delusions, or something I was ashamed of, that would be awful for different reasons. But it was this, the initial episode.

Anyway, this particular unfriending was something that contributed hardcore to my battle with extreme depression and suicidal ideations when I was at Innercept. I don't get any feedback whatsoever about what people are really thinking, because they are not talking to me. I'm not really on speaking terms with them (nothing bad, no phone numbers, didn't keep in touch, I'm not going to write them awkwardly on Facebook for feedback.) The person I am talking to is not responding to me because there is something seriously wrong with him. And what I didn't know that I know now is, is this the kind of thing that other people treat with sensitivity? The answer is absolutely.

Nightmare

I had this dream where there was something that was an allegory for Innercept. There was some device with some kind of design, and my mom and I went down and it did something. It was a scam. If you look at the design, which the company wouldn't show you but the dream did, it actually didn't do anything at all.

Then, I went off on some sort of ride. This part of the dream had a strong "woooh! Scary!" effect. By that I mean, it was trying to scare me, and it was, I kept trying to scream and not be able to. However, what it comes down to is, this is my psyche. It failed to scare me in a real way. It was trying to be eerie. Trying to imitate the classic eerie nightmare I had when I was 10 with new material. Something like, It stopped, started playing music, and the music went along with a crashing plane. It was stuff like that over and over again. I kept trying to scream, but kept getting annoyed. Come on, you can do better than that dream. You're not really scaring me.

I woke up, breathed deeply from exhaustion, used the restroom, then returned to my room to discuss the dream with my guides. I turned on the lights in my bedroom, and I was informed what the dream was about. That is a secret.

Anyway, it's about something in my life that has a little bit of hype as a scary thing but is actually a good thing in the end.

Anyway, when I went to turn off the light, my door was locked. I had locked my door. It's weird that I  would lock my door when I was a little bit shaken up and scared from the dream. Anyway.

Spiritual Attack In the Middle of the Night

So recently my brain was functioning so poorly I went to the hospital... I stayed afterward at a crisis center. The place was haunted. I woke up feeling scared, and there was this awful spiritual unrest feeling.

Anyway, last night I was having a dream. It was a dream that Facebook was announcing something I did to all my Facebook friends via notifications. It was something I didn't do, or did but then regretted. Actually, I think it was something I never did that the dream was trying to convince me I did.

Anyway, I kept almost waking up, and I kept hearing this alarm like my phone ringing. Except, my phone wasn't really ringing. This isn't important, just something that was happening.

I woke up and I was in a state of sleep paralysis. There was this spirit coming from my crotch (I haven't had sex recently) attacking me and holding me down or something. It lasted a couple seconds, was very unpleasant, then I woke up.

I was wondering where my guides were through this. Apparently, they were taking care of the situation as quickly as possible, but it was a really nasty spirit I picked up that they didn't know about from the crisis center that was hard to get rid of.

Icosahedron

The icosahedron is a symbol of my spiritual journey. An icosahedron is a 20-sided geometric object.

I had a dream that I was in gym class, playing tennis. I was having a good time but I couldn't hit the ball. Then, the ball went to the other side of the room, and it was an icosahedron. Then, it became massive. I couldn't look at it. It was horrific to look at. The reason was, my mind was examining the same image on a subconscious level.

What does this dream mean?

My guides say, this was a sent dream to remind me that the journey is not over.

The End of The Line

So we have come to the end of the line for weird occurrences, and this is when we wonder, what will happen next?

To be honest, I am at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to depression. I find myself, not at my apartment. Away from one of my good friends and his best friend who is also my friend.

I find myself with no friends. When I think, who are my friends? People come to mind. I think of Terry and Angela in Coeur D'Alene, I think of Matthew at my apartment, I think of Izzy, I think of Sarah and Caitlin and Chris (plus others)... but that's not that many, is it? I don't have people I can call up and go see right now, and I don't want to drink or smoke marijuana...

Actually, I do, but I feel some sort of aversive force directing me away from being with friends just to hang out and do drugs.

I have nothing going for me. I have no job, no education.... All I have is this brain issue.

And it's an interesting brain issue.

But where does it go from here?

Oh, The Horrible Suffering

I feel absolutely worthless. I feel like I can't make money, can't contribute to conversations because my brain isn't working right.

So I am sitting in the car, riding to a garden store with my mom, when I start to feel some sort of cut and release.

This must be surrendering. So I walk around the garden store, feeling this cut and release and good feeling among the bad feeling.

I hope it continues because it is helping the searing awful depression. I feel like I just want to check out.