They Meant That Literally: Veering Away From Mental Breakdown Mode

 Something that was poignant that Subbie has always said about the spirit guide situation... When it first started, and my guides first came into the picture. A "higher up," there are lots of spirits like that, not technically spirit guides, but people who have spoken to me on a subconscious level... pointed out to me at the beginning, "Right now, your guides are making a good relationship with you. Later on, they will repeatedly push you to the brink of what you can handle psychologically without having a mental breakdown."

"I didn't understand, they meant that literally." Is what Subbie said about it.

This is a past issue, and I am passed the point of hitting mental breakdown, NOW... At the hospital, I screamed randomly in the middle of the night, and I was told I needed a shot for that reason. The next day, and besides the fact that I hadn't slept at all... I asked the security people, please don't go nuts with an antipsychotic, an antihistamine, AND a benzodiazepine... like shit, that's intense over-medication! "WE'RE not the ones going nuts!" Was one of the guy's nasty response. All I had done was scream once randomly, at that point, in the middle of the night, standing by the nurse's station. "Scream in your room!" That's not where the mental breakdown hit... I was thinking about something that I don't feel like sharing.

"Don't flirt with the security guards, they are bad people." I told everyone after that, as the women there always make googly eyes at the security guards.

Anyway... This is a past issue now, but it happened again at the group home. There was an intense over-exposure of obnoxious issues being made conscious, including my mom's over concern with my non-existent "anorexia" in high school, and this issue where no matter what, when it comes to my psychiatric care, we ignore the evidence, ignore my behavior and what I am doing and going through, in favor of blind adherence to the "medical model" of bipolar disorder and normal brains.

Actually, what I am talking about here... There was this situation in Coeur D'Alene, where I was first hospitalized in 2009 for perhaps being suicidal... No, I wasn't suicidal right then. Actually, the guides had just fixed the "conversation problem," or they were working on it, as that is NOT a straight-forward task... takes time and work. Anyway, at the time, peers were annoyed with me for talking too much, so I said fine, I won't talk at all, and I was mad. Anyway, my therapist sent me to the hospital, and at one point, I was almost sent to the state hospital for being suicidal... When actually, hey, at that point, I wasn't. Later on... Well, Geodon made me suicidal.

So... We are talking about 2009 now. At the hospital at that point, I was switched from Abilify, a sort of innocuous antipsychotic, to Geodon... These two are supposed to be the least likely to effect weight, and that is why they chose Geodon for me. Well, this isn't a strong point in my memory, but as I recall, I didn't actually make a fuss (which I should have, and that was the problem). Actually, I was cycling. Going high, low, high low, and the only reason at one point that I was even in the hospital... Was to deal with the nasty side effects of Geodon! Well, if you took me off it, I could leave the hospital and function fine... Yep. However, I didn't SAY that, because I was in very deep denial about the situation, in fact at that point I said, "Hey, it's bipolar disorder!" And that's because it was less painful to say that at the time, then it was to say, "Hey, I am at a facility where they are INSISTENT on putting me on a bipolar medication, this one is causing me harm! Who knows if they ALL will? Quiet, subconscious mind." So, at the time, I told myself it was bipolar disorder, while complaining about the new symptom of rapid cycling, which started right when I started Geodon.

There was a doctor there, one I only saw at the hospital, who INSISTED that I was manipulative. At the time, I didn't get mad, because there was something sort of cute to me about the concept of people who were manipulative... Not that I myself was actually DOING it. I had no fucking idea what that guy was talking about, or what his problem was.

So anyway, recently, I started breaking down when I finally figured out this issue. Actually, he thought I was FAKING the cycling, to get off Geodon... Because God dammit woman, Geodon doesn't do that no matter what, okay.

So I'm basically fucked, and I was put in a position where people ignore what the medications are actually doing to me, and forget that they aren't doing anything positive because there are no problems anyway, with my natural mood... And I am told I am LYING about the side effects. Indirectly, of course. And that was the doctor that insisted I go to the state hospital.

At the time, I said fine, state hospital might be better than Innercept... Then suddenly said, WTF? And I said that out loud, and they told me I didn't have to go. The case for me going to the state hospital was pretty weak, anyway.

Anyway, then all that Dr. Moses Ijaz shit I went through recently, where it was dopamine blockers, ignoring the evidence, actually, I have never had any side effects at all withdrawing from Haldol... Blind insistence on the medical model of bipolar disorder. And then suddenly... At the group home... All this hits at once, and I feel like screaming my head off...

Did I? Actually, my memory is fuzzy. What I do know, I screamed at one point and went in the other room, residents followed, and I felt like I was being mean when I told them to leave me alone. Like geez, if people are worried about violence, why are they following me? Actually, that's a strange thing to be worried about... Or at least, I was thinking that if I am screaming people assume it is my own fault and I'm about to get violent. Maybe that's a misunderstanding of the situation.

At one point, I got weak, there was a medical emergency, not necessarily an EMERGENCY, but I didn't feel well, and of course at the time I was in an altered state and couldn't actually slow myself down, either, so that situation sort of looked funny to them. There was something wrong with my heart, actually. Not palpitating, it DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT... Well, if it's not palpitating, then how do you know something is wrong? It feels strange and weak, not kidding, dammit... Don't know what to do about it though.

Anyway, I was going somewhere with this though. At one point, I had a mental breakdown in the restroom, actually. Residents there don't flush the toilet. I figured out later, they just do that because they hate their situation, as a "fuck you" to the facility. There's a sign that says flush the toilet, they see it, they can read, they still don't do it... At one point I took the sign down, and the toilet seat was left up with urine on it. I hummed and sang a song to myself while washing my hands after that incident, keeping calm.

And that's the thing, is that now with every toilet related incident that happens there, I keep calm. So, I didn't mention the one thing that happened yet... Before the toilet seat incident, at one point I was using the restroom, and the urine in the toilet had an annoying effect on my mentally breaking down psyche and I screamed, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?!" Which, of course, you know, I do NOTHING around there, I KNOW THAT DUMBFUCK. It was a reference to past altered states I have been in, with the mind flip, if something is annoying you, like a mess, you clean it up yourself... I have gone through altered mind flip states training my brain where I moved around CONSTANTLY, cleaning up, stuff like that. Using a different part of my brain to do these things, actually, and that outburst was a regurgitation of psychological left over gunk from that situation, not a reflection on the current situation, dumbfuck. Like, duh.

Anyway... So now, it's been stuff like, I have found toilet paper and shit literally on the seat now, actually. And... I don't get mad or anything. I have pointed it out to staff, but most of the time I just use a different restroom. There are three restrooms for residents at the house.

So, Subbie pointed out to me this morning, the guy who is doing it, and it's just one guy, called out to me last night on the spiritual plane and asked me why I haven't thrown a fit again. Which, Subbie said... That's literally the stupidest thing I have ever talked about on the spiritual plane. I am surprised that guy is even cognitively capable of using the spiritual plane if he is going to actually CALL OUT to me to ask such an asinine question.

My guides pointed out, like with something called "whistles"... There is a situation where people can "blow a whistle," that's what we call it, on you if you are doing something annoying, for example body odor. If you get enough whistles for the same reason, which is quite a bit, you have to do something on the other side to pay for the situation. It's for stuff that doesn't effect spiritual growth just annoys other souls. Anyway... the guy who is doing the toilet thing will have to pay for it somehow on the other side, and we suspect it's a down a dimension soul anyway.

The thing is the situation isn't even bothering me I think it's funny, but I almost feel annoyed with myself to laugh at someone who is being so completely stupid, like it's low to laugh at stupid people.

Anyway, the mental breakdown situation has cleared up though, actually. I have a different take on my life, actually. My life does not belong to me, and that's the word.

Demons and Keeping Each Other Company During Misery

 There was a Facebook post I had awhile back, maybe early 2017, about how going through the depths of misery together, creates a profound friendship.

I'm not talking about other residents at Innercept. Not that that is completely irrelevant either, I would have to ask them how they felt about Innercept after the fact. Something other people may not know, there is a difference in Facebook protocol if you went to treatment together. After the fact, sometimes people unfriend and add back, and it is understood that it was nothing personal. Basically, we were in such a bad mood during treatment, "I don't want to think about you, but it's not you. You just remind me of that period of time."

I'm talking about the Dynamic Trio: Matthew, Hugh, and myself. I was without proper emotional support, not a whole lot of friends, or really any... I mean, it's rude not to call people at Innercept friends, but there weren't many I was close to. Matthew was the only person I talked to from home, throughout my stay at Innercept. Even so, we were kind of distant. However, we hung out on home visits, and talked a bit online.

When Matthew moved to LO, he felt like he had friends there. People talked to him, treated him like a friend, but everyone abandoned him after he left high school. Why? They got really tired of listening to all those fucking stories, because the situation got downright ridiculous because people didn't tell him to his face that they knew they were lies. So, I was one of the only people who stayed friends with him.

I was dealing with my own hell, of course, as some may already know. The worst part was Geodon, how at times it seemed to turn my life into a living hell, causing rapid cycling as well as brain damage. And, in case you don't know already, that story eventually had a happy ending: I got neurofeedback when I moved back to Lake Oswego, by a very competent naturopath, Dr. Winkleman. There weren't any really good theories on how it came about, but I noticed interesting changes during and after each session. The thing I wanted to point out about that, Dr. Winkleman thought we had a whole bunch more work to do, and my spirit guides at that point pointed out that we only have to do a few more sessions, and the rest will correct on its own.

I still tell people, 2010 was a great year. Yeah, for half the year I was on Geodon. Well, I pulled myself back up by my bootstraps, when I got my Adderall prescription back in late 2009. So yeah, that made all the difference. Of course, not that I myself don't deserve most of the credit here. The good year was actually 2011, when I started my blog. I felt that that was a monumental positive shift in my life, and still do. Best thing I could have done for myself.

Anyway, Hugh was free... or was he? He had a demon. I remember back when I was living at Wilson, I read his blog on Myspace. He talked about feeling like at times he "had no choice" but to do something, and it was something bad... and indicated that he considered himself subhuman. When I read it, that was so weird I had a hard time believing it. When my guides entered the picture, they told me, "If we were you, reading that, we wouldn't think he is delusional, or lying, or crazy... We would think, this is very clear cut. This guy has a DEMON."

It's come up many times, he was hinting at something, reading his blog... There was some incident that he regrets, maybe more than one. They won't tell me what it is. They have made up interesting stories, and then afterwards indicated that they were kidding. "That's for him to tell you, Rachel."

At any rate, the demon forces him at times to push people away, people who care, people who he gets along with a little too well. It also forces him to do things that cause other people not to like him as much. And, I don't know the story here. I haven't talked to him in person about it.

Luckily, the demon doesn't affect him on the spiritual plane. That is "low" level awareness... Hmm. What does that mean, exactly? I'm not entirely sure myself, and I know my little up/down model of awareness (in terms of conscious, semi-conscious, subconscious near the surface, etc.) is flawed. The model is flawed, that's why the entire time I have been looking at this Subbie/Conscie situation funny because it is so strange, but it's hard to deny it is happening. Subbie is me, yes. How do I know? Hihh... Well, for one, right at the beginning, they told me not to have a pretentious romantic relationship with Conscie. At one point, Subbie forgot, started saying something sweet to Conscie, and I forced myself to stop so suddenly it brought "conscious" awareness down into the Sub. Hey, that is me, isn't it? I am doing the talking here. I'm Subbie.

Other than that... Subbie isn't always the same. In at least the year 2021, I have sometimes wondered if that's Subbie at all, because Subbie is "boring." Which "King" am I using? I can switch it up and use a deeper King, by the way... And, that's not always the best idea. Am I just walking around talking to myself? Because Subbie isn't that interesting anymore... Of course, there is something really weird about convincing myself that it is just in my head, it never happened... I clearly remember things, like at the beginning, at one point I had to make an effort to talk from Conscie, not Subbie. I was actually losing the ability to only talk about stuff I consciously knew about people. During one hectic night/morning in 2014, a required exercise was to sit and talk inanely to myself about people and things I knew about them from conscious experience. Every once awhile, at times, while I was doing, something, let's just say. Something else... Actually, it was during the Ascension Process.

So, during Innercept, spiritual plane conversations with Hugh and Matthew kept me happy and going, a lot of the time. When the experience was over, even though we were sort of distant during the time, Matthew and I attached a love cord. This is a platonic love cord.

Other than that... Playing the psychology game is interesting, right now. My roommate seems to talk to herself about me most of the time... This is a very interesting situation. Also, fuck, do I even want change? YES, however, everyone is resistant to big jarring changes that are mysterious. And that's the word, that's where I will leave you.