Hackers and the Dark Afternoon of Azul

I felt like I lost control yesterday, of my choices, words and actions, through the introduction of a REAL alcoholic beverage and not the cheap ones. So yes, I was agitated and I relapsed again. So kill me. In the past, I have used alcohol to calm down my psyche, which was agitated due to the concept of "Psychological Factors Unknown."

It has come to me that, through the resolution of the Subbie/Conscie Conundrum... There was a situation in my youth, where the mice behind the curtain, spoke to me for the very first time. The "people" or spirits who would speak to me on a subconscious level since childhood, were preparing me for my destiny.

The first time it happened, I was a 6 year old outside and a spirit named Ian said to me, "You know, the Queen of Babylon's famous flaw was reaching for the milk." Upon question, he said he was referring to my mom and the way she gets angry when asked about dinner. Any questions about dinner get greeted with anger.  Please, don't ask her what's for dinner. That was an extreme point of irritation for her.

There was a situation they were preparing for me, which was long in the future... Where I would reach my destiny and become a great woman, the Great Queen, woman, whatever... of Babylon. It came with a catch, but someday, I would take the throne, so to speak. I wasn't quite sure what they meant, but... That was the purpose of my life.

Prior to the Dark Afternoon of Azul, I was up all night, I sometimes spend several nights up without much sleep in altered states... Well, what was I doing? I did this, and this, and this, as factors in my psychology was changing very rapidly, accepting the situation and letting things go. For it was my mom's fear of anorexia, or possible idolization with the topic... But simultaneously acknowledging that it was serious... The Great Moper and Weeper of our time, who had been very fearful of a possible mental illness when I switched schools and became a sociopath, all of a sudden, or a wimp, or a sociopath, or a wimp... the Either/Or game was played at the time, without further inspection of my psychology through questions and emotional discussions, or rather, through asking me questions.

At the time, I knew something about the situation was strange, since I caught myself thinking, the first time my mom told me the school councilor told her I wasn't making friends at my new school. "Yeah, and she thinks this is a BAD thing...." I was thinking that, I didn't say that allowed, I wasn't happy at all about this situation. I was absolutely devastated at the time due to the Social Predicament, however I knew there was some point far, far in the future when the tables would turn. However, a great amount of moping and agitated ruminating went on behind my back, though not a word after that was spoken to me about it. And if a word had been spoken, it may have happened like once, I didn't want to think that I was missing out on the Game of Life by not talking in school. I think there may have been a situation when my dad spoke to me about it and told me speak or your missing out. Which, you know, I couldn't, okay... I didn't understand the back and forth movement of conversation.

It says in the report, and this is well documented and there are people out there who do know this by the way... ha ha, hee hee, who who. Anyway, there are people who do have access to the information where I moved to a new school, did not make friends, however, there was some indication that I never tried. Which is ridiculous, why wouldn't I try?

Actually, I was given a cognitive impairment where I was unable to make conversation, and I know that sounds completely ridiculous, however when people spoke to me, I just could not think of anything to say, or even, kind of, acknowledge that I was supposed to speak... Actually, no, I didn't get the back in forth movement of conversation, which allowed me to miss out on the comfort of human relationships, for a period of time.

The woman in the Wandering Womb has no language of her own. Not only that, she is hyped up on lust.

Anyway, what was I saying again? This wasn't my idea, okay. and they GET that, apparently, I receive somehow.

I was getting agitated, and no, medication does NOT help the situation, but there is a great amount of denial in my household about that situation, I am forced to disrespect my brain over and over again, and it escalates. I am not allowed to play doctor for myself, not allowed to diagnose my own dopamine deficiency... I have to go to the doctors, who play by the rules of insanity, let's try the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

At the same time, I am without social connection or emotional support, feel very unloved, and I have absolutely no one I can turn to in a time of need. In 2014, a little over a year after I got out of Innercept, the The Great Willy Wonkas... (this is a joke about a situation in 2013 when I had a dream where people were whispering about how Willy Wonka was coming... It was a funny dream, and I wrote a blog about it at the time.

Sitting at a bar, the woman at the counter asks me what I would like to drink. I decide to, hey, have something a little different this time... How about something more sophisticated like an Azul? Yeah, more expensive, and they encourage you to go nuts at these places by not listing the price of the drink on the menu. So, I had to ask, to point out to the bartender that I am an Innercept "kid," I had my childhood ruined when my parents were brainwashed by a salesman, who told them a gripping, touching story about how a friend of his killed himself and Dr. Ullrich was so grief-stricken that he decided to create a treatment center where even the linens and sheets are designed to help mental illness. This way, Rachel would indeed get life schooling.

So I drank, and as I did, harassed my dad while he was clearly sleeping, for after all, this is the Great Azul and different alcoholic drinks... at times, have different effects, let's just say.

So, well... I was making videos, and, umm... Actually, what exactly happened right there isn't important anymore. I got it, I still have a vanity crisis, okay. Let's just say, I am finally comfortable with my facial appearance, as I have always wanted to be pretty and now I am. Let's just say there were facial strengthening exercises. Please, don't try this at home, it ages your face without spiritual influence.

So, what was I saying again? Okay okay, okay... DROPPED TOPIC. As the Great Hackers and Mystics of our time collide, I must humble myself about my situation, the raging necrophiliac the sexual wooing energy turns me into... the spiritual plane situation... And... I didn't think I was doing that, but... Hey, it's enlightenment. Get rid of all ego complexes, geez.

So, I just wanted to point out, I will try to have more of a filter, try to be more understanding to women especially, however this was not my choice, this situation. For after all, the Indigo Children will help us create a society that flourishes, a time of plenty, and love and joy will abound.

"I love you."

So let's just... drop topic.

Brain Goes SPLAT, Enlightenment Looms

 What is my life like right now? Right now, I am sitting at my computer, feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what it is. What's going on?

Seems like there is something right below the surface... One of those times where you stare blankly, feeling overwhelmed, but what is it? Nothing, that I can put my finger on. Something on a subconscious level.

So, I surrendered the ego. When I did it, I remembered the feeling of caring more about someone else than I did about myself, and tried to place a little of that feeling onto every single person in the world... To some degree, or some hint of that feeling. I had to surrender caring about thinness, while simultaneously working on weight loss. Enlightenment, what do you look like? It doesn't mean you don't care about how you are perceived by others... you want to be perceived positively, so looking your best is still important. However, aren't you supposed to surrender desire? How do I achieve weight loss, while simultaneously surrendering all desire? Well, I apparently did it, because Ian said, okay okay enough trying to surrender your skinny ego... You have already done that effectively.

Today I came home to my parent's house. I was feeling depressed, actually. Well, apparently the reason was, my guides were doing some intense soul work, on the period of time when I was a teenager and I didn't have that much of a social life, so I spent a lot of time hanging out with my parents. Very depressing thing to do, in retrospect. During the bus ride, I felt just... suicidally sad and lonely. This horrible loneliness is killing me! Don't worry, I am not going to attempt suicide, seems so fucking stupid in my position... I just wanted to point out, at times the loneliness is so crippling, I don't know what to do with myself. I've gotten older, and what happened to everyone? I miss the community of school, even being in a position where my conversational abilities were limited. Sometimes now, I feel like I'm the only person on Earth left, kind of... wandering around a barren plane where nobody exists. There is nothing to talk to with anybody but the weather, every conversation is about the weather... I wish I could talk to people about what is on my mind, but people will think I'm crazy.

Of course... I am sure there are people who don't think I'm crazy. But can I talk to them? I don't know who to talk to, I don't know how to bring it up... Erik has been distant and won't seem to really talk to me about anything anymore. I look at his picture to picture read, and it looks somewhat positive, in my direction... So, I say, give him space, in this situation. But damn, what do I do?

Splattered guts, splattered brains, splattered ego... everywhere. So I surrendered the ego, and now when I look at my pictures and read my aura, it looks sort of like I just have some sort of cocoon. Lost some sort of spunk, but that's probably not a bad thing... it's temporary. So, I guess after you surrender the ego, peace does not come IMMEDIATELY... What do I do now? I heard, you also have to overcome the desire for inner peace, as well... So apparently, I can't get too fixated on longing for the peace of enlightenment, or else it won't happen.

Splattered guts, splattered brains... I walk around, and there is something in the air or something, I notice at times... Is something weird going on? I feel like I must stand out like a sore thumb, and I am perceived strangely by others. At times it is a good thing... Other times, I wonder if people are looking at me funny, something I am doing that is off, more than anything my teeth, probably. It's hit or miss, you get it or you don't, I guess.

FUCK. I am left staring at myself in the mirror, like I always do when I sit at my parent's house in my room, not admiring my appearance, it's like I am interacting with the face in the mirror, or look at it like I am having a conversation with that person (myself)... And now I am just staring at myself, every once in awhile, with a weirded out expression.

But hey, on the plus side, I am perfectly happy with who I am. I am strong, intelligent, kind-hearted... And beautiful, but that's not something I internalize, that's my physical appearance and that's not who I am as a soul. There's some sort of notion that pretty women are bitches and are full of themselves... I grew up thinking I was ugly. I wasn't, but my face changed in my adulthood, I got prettier. So, I grew up without that ego crutch. Can I tell people on dating websites this? Nah... Fuck it, I'm not looking for love on there, anyway, just friends, and it seems like I should probably look somewhere else, too. Any guy who is interested in me, is going to seem too ordinary and is not of interest to me... Yawn.

This Lady Gaga song Babylon is helping me through this time. Every once in awhile, I need a new song, okay. I still have Eminem Death Note, but what of it? That's old news. Not really, but a new song helps a lot.

So I am happy with myself... I just feel out of place and like I don't belong, I can't relate on Earthly matters, and I need to fill my brain but my brain is unable to be filled right now. Got to wait it out. Eventually, I have this audio book I am supposed to be listening to. This boring sounding audio book about various cultural groups in America. Seems like a yawn, but Subbie says... Just listen to it, okay, something interesting happens when you do.

Everywhere I go, there is silence. No one talks to me. But ping, ping, ping. This person pings me, this person pings me, this person pings me... someone different each time.

It's like this Earth plane is now a silent room full of people. I am in the center, everyone is staring at me, I can feel everyone's eyes on me, and no one says a damn word to me.

And I wonder, have I gone mad? But it comes down to, I know something weird is going on... every single detail supports it. And I think of how I wasn't able to make conversation, for years in school, due to a cognitive problem with making conversation... That's a fact, and that settles it. I'm not crazy. But fuck, the notion to everyone else on the Earth plane, or a notion that exists, is paranormal/spiritual stuff is hogwash.