It's occurred to me that I've never discussed my history with Geodon.
Geodon is a drug in the atypical antipsychotic class. I was at Innercept, following a suicide attempt they told me they would switch me from Abilify to Geodon. They knew I cared very deeply, more deeply than most people about my weight, or else they would have tried Seroquel instead. But no. I cared more than most people, and Geodon has zilch effect on weight.
So one merry February morning at the hospital, I was given a dose of Geodon. Nothing at first besides being knocked the fuck out in the AM. Then again, in the PM. Knocked out twice a day like a sledgehammer.
I started to complain because they wouldn't move me forward in the program because I was sleeping in the morning! Other than that, there were some other things... Random words and phrases subconsciously popping up that were utterly meaningless, decreased cognitive function, and impaired ability to sleep soundly thus actually needing more sleep... amongst the random gitz and gatz and hiccups in the brain.
Other than that, they switched my dose to PM only. That's when I REALLY started noticing the Geodon problems. At night, I would sit in the bathroom and laugh to myself. The laughter was at an inside joke I shared with a friend who wasn't really my friend. It was always the same joke too! ALWAYS! Day after day, I was always laughing in the bathroom at the same fucking thing! I mean it's pretty funny, but NOT THAT FUNNY... NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, it built up in my mind and after awhile I started getting horrifying lows. I would get this deathly awful low feeling of everyone in the world hating me or something, I don't know if it's really what it was... just a soul shattering deeper than depression, awful bad feeling every once in awhile.
If I drank water, it went away! I drank water until I was excreting water from most pores.
After awhile, I started to get thinking on repeat. I would get subconscious thoughts repeating in the back of my mind all the time, and I would notice. Then there would be imaginary conversations between people in the back of my mind, and I wouldn't notice it until it came to my attention in a mysterious way... Why? BRAIN DAMAGE!!! It all started as soon as I started taking Geodon!
Anyway, the doctor wouldn't take me off it until I was on meth and I couldn't function anymore because there was so much gunk in my brain that it left me with brain fog. Was it the Geodon? No. Was it the meth? Maybe. Was it compounded on top of each other? Yes. Anyway, the funny laughing problem didn't go away either, it just lessened, and I still laughed on repeat at jokes that were funny but not funny. That went away a long time later when I went off Adderall and got neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback fixed the problem. But I am still so fucking pissed off that I had to endure the lowest of the low moods in the name of "mood stabilization." Does that make any fucking sense to anyone? I never had those moods before I was on Geodon, never after.... The only other time was once when my doctor was taking me off invega too rapidly because he wanted me off it... That was the only time. What the hell? These are mood stabilizers? I never had any mood stabilization issues before I was on Geodon! None! None before, none after... My parents don't know what my mood is. So you shut your fucking face and don't say that's not true or I will do something to the cats.
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