Sometimes, when you are 19 and your parents slap a guardianship on you, you have to admit that you our powerless and know nothing. Your parents always have your best interests at heart.
What's the track record here of parents knowing best? Let's examine the evidence. Let's exlude some things and jump right to Innercept. Did it help? Was it the right decision.
If you ask my parents this now a days, you will hear a resounding abso-fucking-not from them. Yep, that's right. They admitted to me that it was a gimmick, they just weren't informed of this beforehand and thought it would help.
By the way my spiritual growth is stalled right now for a reason I'm not going to get into on here.
Anyway, my dad was drawn in to the Innercept brochure by the "low stimulus environment" gimmick. He thought, hey, that would help Rachel! The environment at Innercept is magic and works miracles!
Anyway, what the fuck? Who the fuck would fall for something like this? Actually, I know because I was there the fucking "low stimulus environment" only applies to stabilization. When you get sent to stable, be prepared to feel like shit for as long as you are there. This apparently replaces mania with suicidal depression. You can't listen to music. So what, now music is making us manic? Right. It's well documented it does not...
Anyway, my mom sent me off to Innercept with the hopes that the wide array of educational services would convince me of the validity of the mental illness theory and there would be a light bulb moment. Hey! Everything they are describing about bipolar disorder describes me to a tee! Is that true? No, but I will tell you I never went through any sort of mental illness education. There were no groups about mental illness, just groups about anger management and collusion, and it was the same thing every week. The groups repeat like every month for a new audience of Innercept residents.
Anyway, there are so many awful things that make you think Innercept is bad for mental health! My mom told me one time, if you weren't at Innercept you'd be dead! Like she knows! I know I wouldn't have been suicidally depressed if I weren't at Innercept, it was Innercept that was causing it!
All in all, we wonder about my parents. It's funny to me that there was never any sort of mental illness education, except for when they told me to read mental illness books. I did, and I was astounded at the boringness of the stories! So bad!
Anyway, nowadays, I think about my parents. Did they do the right thing? I made friends, yes. I don't make friends easily, not because I'm weird, all the people I bump into have something wrong with them. Otherwise I would.
So this is where it stands now. When it comes to Innercept and my parents, there is a great deal of woe and regret. Not because it didn't help, I'm apparently doing fine now but there was a long period of erratic behavior on my part that was fun as hell and I'm not getting into because I don't fucking care what they think. Anyway, they don't have money anymore! They spent there life savings on Innercept! And it's the kind of thing where you wonder, Meeke, you see your money in the bank dwindling and it's a problem. Isn't it about time to pull Rachel out? Like, a couple years before you actually did? No, because I wasn't better yet! Was I ever better? Apparently, I think I am better now. I don't know if my parents would agree, but I'm pretty sure because I haven't gone to the hospital since May of 2014 and they let me move out of the house and live on my own and they aren't constantly checking on me. Is it because of Innercept? No. I don't know what they would say the reason is, probably better medication.
Anyway, that's all.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Astral Travel And Consenting to the String
Surrendor. That's what I'm preparing for by reading. Other than that, let's take some time out to tell people about astral travel!
A couple nights ago, my guides helped me do astral travel. It starts like a lucid dream. In lucid dreams, I for one always start out by lying in my bed in my body and then getting out of my body by leaving it. Only, I'm not really leaving my body! It's only in my mind!
Some people can astral travel in lucid dreams instead of leaving their bodies and being hookers. That's what I do I always decide to be a hooker in a lucid dream. No reason. I wouldn't particularly want to be a hooker in real life... That's just what I do in lucid dreams.
Lucid dreams are pretty dumb and pointless. There's nothing you can do besides dumb sex acts! There's nothing to find out, no one gives you accurate answers when you ask... They just say random shit. Nothing interesting happens, the dream just tries to make you unconscious again. The only thing you can do is run around and fuck people.
Anyway, that's why astral travel is preferred. Awhile ago, I did it with my guides. The other night, we went to a different astral plane.
So it starts out where you are asleep going into a lucid dream, and you are lying in your body and your guides do something to put you on the right plane. Then, you think of someone to visit! There are so many people to visit!
The first time I did astral travel, I visited this one guy I had a crush on, then I visited Terry and Angela whom I don't have crushes on.
This time, it was all crush people. I visited this one guy, and he told me his spirit animal was the snake and we compared spirit animals. My guides told me that guy's spirit animal is not the snake, he just said that because it was a phallic symbol.
I visited Adam, who was reading my book and stopped reading and stopped talking to me. At least I tried to visit him, he wouldn't visit with me!
I visited Aaron Ross and he avoided me at first. Then, he started talking to me and we were going to get married. I didn't understand what it meant to him to get married. He told me it was to attach a string. There is this thing you can do, where you attach a string on this astral plane. The string is kind of like a wonky romance cord and only goes one way. So if someone attaches a string to you, and they only do so with your consent... You will have a very strong fixation on them for real. That's what everyone here says.
Every single fucking person I visited on this plane tried to attach a string! No, they wouldn't want to attach one on a conscious level.... They would think that was bad, probably. *scratches head* Anyway, everyone I visited tried to attach the same string and it was annoying! So you are sitting around, having some laughs, having sex... And then suddenly their demeanor changes. And they say, let's attach a string! It will create a sense of deep inner peace between us! And they think it's a good idea.
Anyway, if this happened.... It would take effect in about a month. You would suddenly find yourself thinking about the person in a real way, and wanting sexual acts with them. It's a very sexual thing. If the string is cut, you can cut it with energy work.
Does this ever happen? NO! No one ever consents to the string. That's why there is no use in energy work for string removal, though they do know it.
What kind of person would consent to a string on this level? Lots of really dumbfuck people. It is a straw man argument. No one consents to the string!
It's a really wonky thing about this astral plane. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT IS WONKING ME OUT! This fucking string thing is wonky!
It's not on all astral planes. This is a hard one to reach.
There was something my guides did that didn't make the book because it was weird and not important. I was at the nail salon one time, having a good time getting my nails done, when I went into the bathroom to urinate. As I was sitting there, my guides attached a cord from me to my mom. The cord was to make my mom think I was helping out around the country store. I was like, what the fuck? And they told me there was a country store on the astral plane. I worked at a country store with my mom. I also write short stories that are really popular. My dad owns a strip club, but instead of women dancing it was something along the lines of dogs. My sister works at a strip club and has money issues but is helped out by random strangers all the time in the form of generous tips.
Anyway, this is not the same astral plane but is something related. There is no awareness at all in this astral plane we are talking about now. There is awareness in the string astral plane. The other astral plane is kind of like a side effect of the Earth plane. All this stuff is kind of like quantum mechanics in the spirit world.
Anyway, is there awareness on the string astral plane? Yes. There is not that much though. If I were to visit you on the astral plane, you would know about it on some level but not be able to access it in your mind at all except on the a similar level to the level you talk to people subconsciously on. However, you would not talk about it because you wouldn't know about it on this level either. You would know about it though. On some fucking level. Anyway.
A couple nights ago, my guides helped me do astral travel. It starts like a lucid dream. In lucid dreams, I for one always start out by lying in my bed in my body and then getting out of my body by leaving it. Only, I'm not really leaving my body! It's only in my mind!
Some people can astral travel in lucid dreams instead of leaving their bodies and being hookers. That's what I do I always decide to be a hooker in a lucid dream. No reason. I wouldn't particularly want to be a hooker in real life... That's just what I do in lucid dreams.
Lucid dreams are pretty dumb and pointless. There's nothing you can do besides dumb sex acts! There's nothing to find out, no one gives you accurate answers when you ask... They just say random shit. Nothing interesting happens, the dream just tries to make you unconscious again. The only thing you can do is run around and fuck people.
Anyway, that's why astral travel is preferred. Awhile ago, I did it with my guides. The other night, we went to a different astral plane.
So it starts out where you are asleep going into a lucid dream, and you are lying in your body and your guides do something to put you on the right plane. Then, you think of someone to visit! There are so many people to visit!
The first time I did astral travel, I visited this one guy I had a crush on, then I visited Terry and Angela whom I don't have crushes on.
This time, it was all crush people. I visited this one guy, and he told me his spirit animal was the snake and we compared spirit animals. My guides told me that guy's spirit animal is not the snake, he just said that because it was a phallic symbol.
I visited Adam, who was reading my book and stopped reading and stopped talking to me. At least I tried to visit him, he wouldn't visit with me!
I visited Aaron Ross and he avoided me at first. Then, he started talking to me and we were going to get married. I didn't understand what it meant to him to get married. He told me it was to attach a string. There is this thing you can do, where you attach a string on this astral plane. The string is kind of like a wonky romance cord and only goes one way. So if someone attaches a string to you, and they only do so with your consent... You will have a very strong fixation on them for real. That's what everyone here says.
Every single fucking person I visited on this plane tried to attach a string! No, they wouldn't want to attach one on a conscious level.... They would think that was bad, probably. *scratches head* Anyway, everyone I visited tried to attach the same string and it was annoying! So you are sitting around, having some laughs, having sex... And then suddenly their demeanor changes. And they say, let's attach a string! It will create a sense of deep inner peace between us! And they think it's a good idea.
Anyway, if this happened.... It would take effect in about a month. You would suddenly find yourself thinking about the person in a real way, and wanting sexual acts with them. It's a very sexual thing. If the string is cut, you can cut it with energy work.
Does this ever happen? NO! No one ever consents to the string. That's why there is no use in energy work for string removal, though they do know it.
What kind of person would consent to a string on this level? Lots of really dumbfuck people. It is a straw man argument. No one consents to the string!
It's a really wonky thing about this astral plane. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT IS WONKING ME OUT! This fucking string thing is wonky!
It's not on all astral planes. This is a hard one to reach.
There was something my guides did that didn't make the book because it was weird and not important. I was at the nail salon one time, having a good time getting my nails done, when I went into the bathroom to urinate. As I was sitting there, my guides attached a cord from me to my mom. The cord was to make my mom think I was helping out around the country store. I was like, what the fuck? And they told me there was a country store on the astral plane. I worked at a country store with my mom. I also write short stories that are really popular. My dad owns a strip club, but instead of women dancing it was something along the lines of dogs. My sister works at a strip club and has money issues but is helped out by random strangers all the time in the form of generous tips.
Anyway, this is not the same astral plane but is something related. There is no awareness at all in this astral plane we are talking about now. There is awareness in the string astral plane. The other astral plane is kind of like a side effect of the Earth plane. All this stuff is kind of like quantum mechanics in the spirit world.
Anyway, is there awareness on the string astral plane? Yes. There is not that much though. If I were to visit you on the astral plane, you would know about it on some level but not be able to access it in your mind at all except on the a similar level to the level you talk to people subconsciously on. However, you would not talk about it because you wouldn't know about it on this level either. You would know about it though. On some fucking level. Anyway.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Geodon: The Ultimate Death Drug Exposed!
It's occurred to me that I've never discussed my history with Geodon.
Geodon is a drug in the atypical antipsychotic class. I was at Innercept, following a suicide attempt they told me they would switch me from Abilify to Geodon. They knew I cared very deeply, more deeply than most people about my weight, or else they would have tried Seroquel instead. But no. I cared more than most people, and Geodon has zilch effect on weight.
So one merry February morning at the hospital, I was given a dose of Geodon. Nothing at first besides being knocked the fuck out in the AM. Then again, in the PM. Knocked out twice a day like a sledgehammer.
I started to complain because they wouldn't move me forward in the program because I was sleeping in the morning! Other than that, there were some other things... Random words and phrases subconsciously popping up that were utterly meaningless, decreased cognitive function, and impaired ability to sleep soundly thus actually needing more sleep... amongst the random gitz and gatz and hiccups in the brain.
Other than that, they switched my dose to PM only. That's when I REALLY started noticing the Geodon problems. At night, I would sit in the bathroom and laugh to myself. The laughter was at an inside joke I shared with a friend who wasn't really my friend. It was always the same joke too! ALWAYS! Day after day, I was always laughing in the bathroom at the same fucking thing! I mean it's pretty funny, but NOT THAT FUNNY... NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, it built up in my mind and after awhile I started getting horrifying lows. I would get this deathly awful low feeling of everyone in the world hating me or something, I don't know if it's really what it was... just a soul shattering deeper than depression, awful bad feeling every once in awhile.
If I drank water, it went away! I drank water until I was excreting water from most pores.
After awhile, I started to get thinking on repeat. I would get subconscious thoughts repeating in the back of my mind all the time, and I would notice. Then there would be imaginary conversations between people in the back of my mind, and I wouldn't notice it until it came to my attention in a mysterious way... Why? BRAIN DAMAGE!!! It all started as soon as I started taking Geodon!
Anyway, the doctor wouldn't take me off it until I was on meth and I couldn't function anymore because there was so much gunk in my brain that it left me with brain fog. Was it the Geodon? No. Was it the meth? Maybe. Was it compounded on top of each other? Yes. Anyway, the funny laughing problem didn't go away either, it just lessened, and I still laughed on repeat at jokes that were funny but not funny. That went away a long time later when I went off Adderall and got neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback fixed the problem. But I am still so fucking pissed off that I had to endure the lowest of the low moods in the name of "mood stabilization." Does that make any fucking sense to anyone? I never had those moods before I was on Geodon, never after.... The only other time was once when my doctor was taking me off invega too rapidly because he wanted me off it... That was the only time. What the hell? These are mood stabilizers? I never had any mood stabilization issues before I was on Geodon! None! None before, none after... My parents don't know what my mood is. So you shut your fucking face and don't say that's not true or I will do something to the cats.
Geodon is a drug in the atypical antipsychotic class. I was at Innercept, following a suicide attempt they told me they would switch me from Abilify to Geodon. They knew I cared very deeply, more deeply than most people about my weight, or else they would have tried Seroquel instead. But no. I cared more than most people, and Geodon has zilch effect on weight.
So one merry February morning at the hospital, I was given a dose of Geodon. Nothing at first besides being knocked the fuck out in the AM. Then again, in the PM. Knocked out twice a day like a sledgehammer.
I started to complain because they wouldn't move me forward in the program because I was sleeping in the morning! Other than that, there were some other things... Random words and phrases subconsciously popping up that were utterly meaningless, decreased cognitive function, and impaired ability to sleep soundly thus actually needing more sleep... amongst the random gitz and gatz and hiccups in the brain.
Other than that, they switched my dose to PM only. That's when I REALLY started noticing the Geodon problems. At night, I would sit in the bathroom and laugh to myself. The laughter was at an inside joke I shared with a friend who wasn't really my friend. It was always the same joke too! ALWAYS! Day after day, I was always laughing in the bathroom at the same fucking thing! I mean it's pretty funny, but NOT THAT FUNNY... NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, it built up in my mind and after awhile I started getting horrifying lows. I would get this deathly awful low feeling of everyone in the world hating me or something, I don't know if it's really what it was... just a soul shattering deeper than depression, awful bad feeling every once in awhile.
If I drank water, it went away! I drank water until I was excreting water from most pores.
After awhile, I started to get thinking on repeat. I would get subconscious thoughts repeating in the back of my mind all the time, and I would notice. Then there would be imaginary conversations between people in the back of my mind, and I wouldn't notice it until it came to my attention in a mysterious way... Why? BRAIN DAMAGE!!! It all started as soon as I started taking Geodon!
Anyway, the doctor wouldn't take me off it until I was on meth and I couldn't function anymore because there was so much gunk in my brain that it left me with brain fog. Was it the Geodon? No. Was it the meth? Maybe. Was it compounded on top of each other? Yes. Anyway, the funny laughing problem didn't go away either, it just lessened, and I still laughed on repeat at jokes that were funny but not funny. That went away a long time later when I went off Adderall and got neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback fixed the problem. But I am still so fucking pissed off that I had to endure the lowest of the low moods in the name of "mood stabilization." Does that make any fucking sense to anyone? I never had those moods before I was on Geodon, never after.... The only other time was once when my doctor was taking me off invega too rapidly because he wanted me off it... That was the only time. What the hell? These are mood stabilizers? I never had any mood stabilization issues before I was on Geodon! None! None before, none after... My parents don't know what my mood is. So you shut your fucking face and don't say that's not true or I will do something to the cats.
Sunday, June 5, 2016
Suffering and the Understanding that there is a Higher Purpose
So I go about my every day routine, and I am plagued again by these awful bouts of pain at the hands of those who know me best. Does it end? Does it get better? The answer is yes.
Is the answer yes? No, we don't know, Rachel. Work on your mind work now.
So I get off work after suffering the whole time, and I have to break attachments. Some to the cord people I will never be friends with. One to thinking this thing in my life is egotistical. One to an old friend I met downtown. One to an attractive body. One to something else that was very important to me for a long time but they recently told me wasn't happening.
When will it end? Will they continue to harass me? Will the bothersome work problem ever cease? No one's harassing me at work, in terms of fellow employees. But the higher power harasses me and tries to get me to fall hard on my face! Or do they? They do it just enough so I can still work.
When will it end is a rhetorical question. I have no idea though. I believe this makes way for a diminished ego, diminishing the ego to the point that makes way for enlightenment. Is it so? Yes! But how soon? How many times do I have to suffer before I wittle the ego down to where I want it to be?
After all, this intense suffering is only temporary, and I know that. If I didn't know that, I couldn't go on. But after not understanding the purpose of this suffering, I think I actually do. The purpose is enlightenment.
The purpose is enlightenment.
Is the answer yes? No, we don't know, Rachel. Work on your mind work now.
So I get off work after suffering the whole time, and I have to break attachments. Some to the cord people I will never be friends with. One to thinking this thing in my life is egotistical. One to an old friend I met downtown. One to an attractive body. One to something else that was very important to me for a long time but they recently told me wasn't happening.
When will it end? Will they continue to harass me? Will the bothersome work problem ever cease? No one's harassing me at work, in terms of fellow employees. But the higher power harasses me and tries to get me to fall hard on my face! Or do they? They do it just enough so I can still work.
When will it end is a rhetorical question. I have no idea though. I believe this makes way for a diminished ego, diminishing the ego to the point that makes way for enlightenment. Is it so? Yes! But how soon? How many times do I have to suffer before I wittle the ego down to where I want it to be?
After all, this intense suffering is only temporary, and I know that. If I didn't know that, I couldn't go on. But after not understanding the purpose of this suffering, I think I actually do. The purpose is enlightenment.
The purpose is enlightenment.
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