Innercept: A Culture of Rule-Breaking

So I would like to take a moment to blame Innercept for my problems.

My parents complain to me, hey, Rachel! You steal from us now! You lie to us!

I think this is the fault of Innercept. My parents clearly don't know what it's like to be at Innercept. When you are at Innercept, you are immersed in the rich Innercept culture.

What happens is, they have so many fucking stupid rules. Oh, you can only eat one piece of fruit between meals. All this really strict crap about serving sizes so you are hungry all the time. Oh, you have to have people peaking at you at night and maintain a strict curfew of 10 pm. You can't go to the gym for too much time per day.

So, what every resident inevitable does is say, fuck it! Fuck these rules! I will break any rule that doesn't suit me! So you are sneaking money, you are going behind Innercept's back, you are doing anything you possibly can to get around all these stupid fucking rules of these stupid fucking control freaks at Innercept.

For some residents, it becomes like a contest. How many rules can you break? What can you get away with?

So I come home from Innercept, and I am still in the Innercept mindset. Hey, what can I get away with at home? It's subconscious. On top of that is the anger, the anger that my parents put me in this place for four and a half years, which was supposed to do fucking something, instead the first thing I do immediately after I come out is GO DELUSIONAL AGAIN!!!!

And then I find out this drug I've been on Depakote is responsible for my hair loss and lack of creative thinking. They didn't inform me of all the side effects. If I knew it made your hair fall out, I would have been like, NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAKING THAT SHIT!!!

I actually started to go delusional again when I was still at Innercept, while I was still on all the drugs.

So I blame all my bad actions on the Innercept culture.

Brain Damage and Thinking on Repeat

So I haven't blogged in awhile the thing I wanted to talk about is about how I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE.

It's being corrected through neurofeedback, the zapping of the brain with electrodes. This isn't electroshock therapy or anything like that, this is helpful not harmful.

When I listen to my iPod, I like to listen to the same song on repeat over and over again. When I think thoughts in my head, I (used to) think the same thoughts over and over again.

Thoughts wouldn't get old! Funny things don't get old! I laugh at the same funny things OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

When I do this around other people, they are like, "Okay Rachel, it wasn't THAT funny."

So the neurofeedback is improving it. But thoughts are powerful! Thinking the same thought over and over again has consequences.

So I got stuck in a loop of thinking about the girl who put puke in front of my door in college, Weird Zombie Girl. "Yeah, I smirked at you. YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!!!!!" Over and over and over and fucking over again.

So I explained this on my facebook page. I would think about this all the time, this thought on repeat. Then suddenly it was like, "Cute little itty bitty sweet young soul. Sweet young soul. Sweet young soul." Which is a reference to a time when I thought more spiritually about everything, and I thought this girl was a young soul. That thought occured to me one time.

And so I replaced the YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY with "sweet young soul." My energy increased, and she stopped receiving my angry bad energy. It was a win/win situation!

Since that thought played on repeat, it was draining my energy as well as hitting her with bad energy constantly. So, the spirits intervened, located the place in my memory and thought that, and replaced my bad thought with a loving thought.

Thing is, I used to think of the guy I had delusions about on repeat for years and years and years and years. I would think of funny things I had told him and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And send that energy to him. On repeat.

The question is, what effect did this have on him?

WHAT KIND OF ENERGY AM I SENDING TO PEOPLE??!?!?!?!?!? It gets multiplied when you think on repeat!!!

Anyway, the doctor said I have less repeat thinking going on in my brain now thanks to the neurofeedback.