I awoke from a dream. I do not remember the dream, but Subbie said something, upon waking. "Let me show you something right here." I closed my eyes and started to drift off, and my focus went to a small stairway and someone hiding with a flashlight and evil intentions, right next to it. "Jason is still not done."
I had to sleep each night on the mattress, the same one Jason did some sort of sexually aggravating spell on me on. I couldn't lie down in the bed without trying to grab Jason, and imagine in a delusional way that things were fine between us. This was still a struggle I was going through. He was the only person within range of me on the spiritual plane, and he was the only person who was actually real to me, in a certain way.
Jason could feel it when I rolled around on the mattress and tried to grab for him. He got so pissed off he started fighting me again, for that reason alone, the mattress issue. I turned the mattress over which helped the problem, to some degree.
"I can't help it that I'm not blind. I can't help it that I'm not blind." Jason kept saying, he said it to Subbie and I heard it consciously. I eventually figured out why he said this. He had placed an emotional connotation of him in my lamp, and I kept staring and talking to the lamp for comfort. When I figured this out, it made me particularly ill and I fell back on my bed in a frightening tapestry of imagining taking a knife and slitting my wrists, no, my throat to make it quicker. "Hmm. I did not like that," said Jason. Like a trooper I went downstairs, took a prn of Zyprexa, and went to sleep. Sleep was essential to getting through this ordeal, it was a magic bullet.
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