For The Love Of God, Don't Tell Me They Understand My Issues

So, there is something like circular logic in the house of Zuhl. First off, I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Then, my mom goes out and reads a bunch of books about bipolar disorder. Ones with titles like, "We Heard the Angels of Madness." Now, all of a sudden, she understands what I am going through!

Please, do yourself a favor. Do not, for the love of fucking God, ever tell me you fucking understand a single damn thing I have been through. You do not. Notice, we do not talk. Oh? You didn't notice? We never talk about a damn thing I have been through. There is a reason. I don't trust you. Don't think you could handle it.

I find it very offensive when you tell me about some sort of group home you are looking into, because you don't like my current living arrangement. You tell me, the staff understand your issues!

Yeah, and I'm sure the staff know all about fish out of water psychology. I'm sure that is a common issue amongst bipolar patients.

I remember, in the past, my mother used to beg and beg for me to read books on bipolar disorder. I actually have, on quite a few occasions. On the most recent occasion, I was reading a book that she liked. It was interesting, but described nothing about me. That's the thing about all these bipolar books. They describe nothing about me. I don't relate at all to any of the issues the main characters have.

After I told my mom this, she got so upset. She took the book away and forbid me to read any more books on bipolar disorder. Just like that. After years of trying to get me to read one.

So I say this now.... The second you say someone understands what I'm going through, you have fucking lost me. And the second you try to get me to explain it to them, you've lost me too.

You don't get to know. You don't get to find someone who can help. THIS IS A PRIVATE ISSUE BETWEEN ME AND MY SPIRIT GUIDES. Butt the fuck out and there is no way I am going off to live in some mental illness group home.

What Do I Desire?

What is the answer I seek? Why have I stopped doing philosophy? Where did my philosophical side go?

My goal is no longer knowledge. My quest is no longer for knowledge. I no longer have to use my brain all the time to think up quiet thoughts that bark at the problem. The problem is, what is the solution to the questions of life? I have no desire to know? What do I desire?

That's a good question. I want to be attractive, that's what I said. I want to make an impact and stop global warming from happening, that's good. What else would I like to do? I would like to exist in a state that transcends the norm, and become more, and better and drive the fleeting passion upwards!

Then, one comes down for a second. What do I desire? For myself? Is that what I desire? Or, should I ask another question... What do I desire to experience? Because, if all is well, never will I have an experience that doesn't make me think I am going closer to the goal. Is it to touch others in a real way? Yes, but is that all? What is the goal?

Do spirits worry about this? And they tell me, yes. The goal, they say, is growth. The goal is to move on to the next dimension. Upwards, moving upwards... They are always trying to grow because that's the nature of spirits. Not fun, growth.

If I had a candle, I would not light the candle. The last thing I want to do is start a fire. If I could only understand the reasoning behind elven mysteries... (blank stares and boos)