Imagined Stuff is Imaginary

So, I wanted to talk a little bit about my book.

The thing I wanted to talk about was, this book I am writing is kind of a tricky read. Because you have to understand that I am oftentimes delusional and my brain makes stuff up. So sometimes, I will tell stories about things I say people did. A lot of times, THEY DID NOT DO THESE THINGS. It was delusional. I imagined it.

How do you tell the difference between fake stories and real stories? When I give information, you have to ask yourself, how do I know this? If I specifically mention that a particular person told me this, or I witnessed it in person, that means it is true. Everything that I witness in person actually happened. Because the thing is, I don't hallucinate. I don't have imaginary in-person encounters with people. Everything I see with my eyes is really there. Things I actually hear are real too, but this gets tricky because I sometimes imagine conversations. When I hear these conversations, I hear them in my head, not out loud. So, it's not really an auditory hallucination, more like a sixth sensory hallucination. To me, there is no mistaking what is out loud and what is in my head. But I usually just say I heard it, so you have to ask yourself, was I there in person with these people? Is there any explanation for how we met up? If not, I think it should be obvious based on context, random clips of conversation from random people are just in my head.

Especially if I say I heard it psychically, that's bullshit. It wasn't psychic. But I say that it was psychic, because I thought so at the time. I am keeping with the moment. Sometimes I will specifically say I "imagined" something. Imagined stuff is imaginary.

I'm kind of worried though, because the people I imagined stuff about are real people and they might get mad that I imagined negative things about them. Or not so much that I imagined them, but that I wrote a book about it and stupid people might not understand which stuff is imaginary.

It kind of keeps you on your toes, this book.

Philosophy and the Innercept-Scientology Connection

So my whole life issue has turned very philosophical. I'm not sure how much I want to say about it because I try not to reveal too much book information on my blog.

I've realized that even though I have believed things that aren't true, those things I was thinking weren't just random they were important. And that these beliefs help me get from one place to the next.

The problem with this is that part of it involves keeping me detached from reality. So I am scared to do certain things on the internet, like check certain things.

As much as I want to complain about Innercept, their obsession with integral spirituality and the Four Agreements is important.

But I don't recommend Innercept for anyone. And that is why me dating a Scientologist is important. After you're been to Innercept, you'll WANT to become a Scientologist, because of the way they make you POP PRESCRIPTION PILLS LIKE THEY'RE CANDY!!!!

I remember a girl named Julia. They had her on Seroquel and Depakote, even though she didn't have and psychotic disorders or bipolar disorder. She couldn't stay awake because of these unnecessary drugs. So, Innercept was talking about putting her on Adderall! I'm like, FUCK NO!! DON'T PUT JULIA ON ADDERALL!! That's like saying, oh, you can't stay awake. Here's some meth.

I remember the way that punished Sophie by having her sit in a chair and do nothing all day long. The reason that is horrible is because it is dehumanizing. It is making her behave like she is an inanimate object and she doesn't have a soul. I think that's horrible.

If your kids have problems, Innercept is not the answer. Don't send your kids to Innercept.

Definitions of God

So I've been writing my book and adding stuff. Lately I have added a few things about God. And this is when I worry that I am going to alienate people who are turned off by the word "God" and don't understand what I mean by it.

I divide the world into three basic groups of people: there are religious people, spiritual people, and atheists. Now some people, like agnostics, might be confused about what group they fall into. I don't really know it depends on the person. Some people might not fall into one of these categories neatly.

Religious people are people who have a religion and believe that their religion is correct and other religions are not. These are the kind of people who believe that you have to accept Jesus as your savior in order to be saved, and otherwise you are going to hell. But someone doesn't have to be Christian to fall into this category, they can be Muslim or Jewish or whatever, and strictly believe their religion and that all other religions are wrong.

Spiritual people have a more all-encompassing view of spirituality. This is the category that I fall under. I believe that a lot of religions contain a piece of the truth. Spiritual people believe there is more to existence than the physical, that there is a spiritual realm. People can be a part of this category even if they identify as being part of a particular religion, if they believe that their religion isn't the only correct one. These people usually believe in God, but people who identify as atheists could be a part of this group if they don't believe in God but they believe in other spiritual things.

When I talk about atheists I am only talking about a certain type of atheists. These people believe strictly in the physical world and that no spiritual realm exists. They don't believe in a soul, and they usually only believe in things that are based on science.

So the view I am trying to promote with this book is the spiritual view. So, it doesn't really matter if I alienate atheists that fit my definition. The thing is, I talk about God in my book. I kind of worry about this, because a lot of people who are spiritual seem freaked out by the word God. I don't mean a god who expects you to worship him and will damn you to hell for all eternity.

When I talk about God, I am not sure if I mean an incredibly powerful, massive individual spirit, like the father in the Trinity in Christianity. Or if I mean just a powerful benevolent spiritual force, like something akin to the Holy Ghost in the Trinity. It could be either one. I'm not sure which one it is.

I just worry that people will think that when I talk about God I am being religious. When I'm not really being religious, I am being spiritual. The way I see it, religions are spirituality. But spirituality is not a religion. Religions are a part of spirituality, and spirituality is something bigger and more all-encompassing.

I was just thinking about this because I mentioned something about God to my sister, or maybe just God came up for some reason, and my sister acted like people who believe in God are complete weirdos. The thing is, my sister is very spiritual, and I think she actually does believe in something that I would call God. But she doesn't call it that, because to her people who believe in God are goody two-shoe weirdos who are very sheltered and hate sex.

My Book

So I've been writing about my life up to the present and adding that to the book. I have been extremely impressed with my recent writing. The stuff I have written from the past year is very interesting. I didn't quite realize how interesting the past year has been. This book will absolutely be published. And it will be popular.

I have to select moments to demonstrate both that there was something good about me all along, and also select moments that demonstrate that there was something not good that needed to change. At the end I change, or at least I begin to work on changing. I was thinking that the stuff I had written before was crap compared to the stuff I recently wrote. Then I looked back and realized that it demonstrates the change from focusing on other people to focusing on myself.

In the part I wrote a while ago, there's a part where I am sending the guy I had delusions about messages. In one of the messages I make a statement, and I always kind of wondered why I said it. It was like, some people were this certain way. It was probably true but it didn't really seem to relate to anything and seemed kind of random. I always remembered that statement, and I have that message in my book. But now, at the end, the statement I made about how some people are was how I was a lot of the time. That was part of what I was supposed to learn.

I had this experience one time where I came to a certain realization. I realized that it would greatly add to the book if I mentioned it because it relates to something else in the book that happens in the part I just wrote. Looking back at the part of the book where I talk about the time period when it happened, I realized that it would be incredibly difficult to insert there because I was talking about another issue. I had sent the guy a message about it where I described it, but I hadn't added that to my book. I really did not want to go back and look through the messages I sent him again. Then I remembered something. a couple years ago I had gone back again and looked at the messages I had sent him. There were three of them that I found interesting that weren't in my book, so I saved them on my hard drive. One of them was the one message. So I went back and added it.

I am going to go back and delete a lot of recent blog posts. The reason is because I don't like giving away book information on my blog, and now a lot of the stuff I have blogged about is in my book.

Anyway, so I think this is going to be a fantastic book.

Painting an Emotional Tapestry

So, now that we've got to pretty much what I think is the end of this whole situation in my life. This situation being the karma thing, which includes my delusions and the mental illness and shit. Now I understand why the psychic last summer told me that my book would make the kind of stuff I believe in popular amongst young people. Because even though it involves all this horrible crap I had to go through which seems so unfair if you only look at this lifetime, there's just something about it that is in my opinion incredibly cool.

So I've been writing today, and today is my birthday, but that is irrelevant. I was adding the part about treatment. I have to be kind of brief about things, but touch upon the aspects of it that are important. I have been being incredibly brief about things, leaving out most of the stuff that happened, just touching on things I deem important.

One of the things that happens when you are going through what I'm going through, and thinking the way I'm thinking, with whatever it is that I am going through. Delusions? Mental illness? Altered spiritual state? Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. One of the things is you think differently and things pop out more in your mind that seem important, like random things that happened. They pop out more, and this is conducive to painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. Because that's what memoir writing is, painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. It is a form of art and involves creativity because you have to decide what to include and how you are going to tell it.

Anyway, so one random small insignificant event popped out of me that happened early on in my Innercept career. And it involved this other girl at Innercept. And I was remembering how back in the day, at one point I had delusions about my delusions, and I was telling her about it. I was going to add this part to my book and she wanted to have me put the part where I tell her about it in the book. So I was going to and I was writing about it, this was several years ago, but then later I decided that I didn't want to include the delusions about my delusions, and even if I did the part where I tell her about it wasn't significant enough to add it into the book. So it was not going to be in the book. But then today, I was remembering the other thing that popped out at me. And it was such a coincidence because it was the same girl who wanted to be in the book, so I added it and told her about it on facebook and she was happy.

I have to add back a part I removed awhile ago because I was embarrassed. I have to re-add some mention of it because it is actually something really important. It was meant to embarrass me because it was important that I be embarrassed. So yeah this is kind of a tell-all book. Not literally everything. I know some people might not want me to add stuff that embarrasses me but it is way worth it in this case to add it. It adds a lot to the book. So you have to make sacrifices.

There are things in my book like slutty behaviors that aren't necessarily that uncommon, and a lot of people have done these kind of things, but everyone has to act like people don't do these kind of things and they don't talk about them.

It's like, you have to put a certain image out into the world, whether it be out on the internet or through publishing a book, like you don't do certain things. You have never been promiscuous or have done drugs or drank excessively. And you don't have any opinions about anything that could possibly be offensive to anyone. And stuff like that. And if you don't present this image, employers won't hire you. But no one is like that. So every single person has to fake it and they are expected to fake it.

This is something that annoys me about the world. So I am hoping my life never depends on getting a job where they expect me to be like that.

A Successful Book Trailer

So I'm thinking it might work out, making the book trailer with my sister, I am just going to have to push her some more to do it my way.

I don't know that my sister understands the point of the book trailer. She thinks it shouldn't be humorous because it's a serious topic. Sure, it is serious, but we don't have to act like it's a tragedy. I have an idea how I'm going to become famous and it's not going to happen if I don't poke fun at myself. The thing is I will get angry if someone pokes fun at me in the wrong way. Which means if it's someone who witnessed me becoming delusional, and they make fun of one of my actions they witnessed which demonstrates a lack of understanding. Or something like, they act like some of the stuff I was thinking, was just stuff I thought up out of my own free will, and they don't seem to understand that what I was experiencing was completely off the wall, and it was through no fault of my own that I was experiencing this.

But anyway, I don't think I will be upset if I am well-known and people make fun of me, because the information they have is the information I gave them.

So the idea behind making the book trailer at this point in time is to get people interested in me and build my platform. Right now people can't go out to the store and buy the book because I don't have a publisher. But I will be more like to find someone who will give my book a chance if I can say I have this many likes on facebook, or I get this many pageviews a month on my blog, or my book trailer has been viewed this many times.

The book trailer has to be funny, because it has to be entertaining in itself, it does more than just get people interested in the book. If I create something that's clever and funny and original and people really like, they will be more likely to share it with their friends. And then it can spread like that.

So my sister had this idea that she would do a voice over talking about me losing my mind. And then it would be like I was coming to the door and she was going to interview me. And then she would interview me.

So I was thinking about it, and I had an idea that I thought was good. In the voice over, she would talk about me like I was this dark family secret, her sister who went crazy and was sent to a treatment program in Idaho. It would be weird and overly dramatic which is kind of what my sister was thinking too.  Then, we would have me coming to the door for the interview. My sister would open the door, and I would look up at her, and very slowly and creepily I would say, "Hello, Kristen." And there would be this dramatic music.

But my sister shot this down, saying I should just act normal when she answered the door and not say anything at all. And then she would interview me and ask me questions like why did I decide to write the book and what I was worried about with the book being published. I told her these were bad questions and she said they were good questions. What I meant was, the answers to those questions aren't going to sell the book.

So I think I will need to talk to my sister more about this, and we will work on it over Christmas break.

Book Trailer Collaboration Issues

So I met with my sister to work on the book trailer yesterday and I have to say I am worried about how this is going to turn out. My sister refused to stick to a script. I don't know that she had a problem with the script I made, she just didn't want to repeat scripted lines. See, I have to collaborate with my sister on this because making videos is one of my sister's hobbies, and I don't know anyone else who makes videos and I don't know how to do it by myself.

My sister wanted it to start with a voice over, with her talking about me going crazy from her perspective. She wanted to do this because afterwards she would interview me from the perspective of being my sister. I was a bit wary of this. I didn't want her perspective of what happened to color my book trailer. Not only that, but then she asks the interview questions. Which gives her control of the topics covered, allowing her to color the book trailer even more.

My sister said something like she saw what to happened to me from a perspective where she was thinking clearly. I think maybe she was implying that I might not understand it as well because my thinking was off. She tells me I said certain things. The thing is, what she remembers is how she interpreted the things I said, not exactly what I said. How she interpreted what I said may have been slightly wrong, and then when she repeats what I said she paraphrases it without meaning to because she doesn't remember exactly what I said, and she paraphrases it based on her interpretation.

So we kind of got in an argument. I understand that it is something that she would have to put a lot of work into. But the thing is, no book trailer at all is better than a book trailer that I am not happy with. I made a script because it gave me perfect control over how it turned out. I made it so that it portrayed me, in my opinion, as kind of odd and bizarre, talking about a time when my thinking was strange. At times I wrote it so it's like I am saying something I did that seems really off but I say it like it is normal, and my sister has this strange look on her face. I don't want a book trailer that makes me come off like a complete loon, and I feel that that is what my sister's perspective is.

My sister asked me if this was really something I wanted on the internet. She also has made comments in the past asking me if I really wanted to write a book about this so that everyone knows. It's like dude, I don't mind, if it's from my perspective.

I'm not embarrassed about becoming delusional because I understand what I experienced. I understand that the way I reacted to the things I was experiencing wasn't all that weird. And then my sister focuses on these random details that don't mean shit. Like I was apparently sitting in my room with the light off. I didn't remember this, but then I was thinking about it. It was because the light I usually used, the ceiling light by the closet, had burnt out. The main ceiling light bothered me because it was too bright. So I just didn't have any light on. So what? It wasn't pitch black. I may have had my lap top open. My sister thinks that the fact that the fact that I didn't have any lights on speaks volumes about my mental state.

And now I'm sitting here getting mad just thinking about it. See, this is a subject that is really easy to piss me off on. That's why I wrote a fucking script.

Undiscovered Talents

I would appreciate it if people who read my blog would like my "Rachel Zuhl" page on facebook. Not my personal page but my writer page. Thank you. I also have a "Party Like Jesus" page, but I haven't really been asking people to like that yet. You can if you want though.

So I am getting ready to make a book trailer for my memoir. My sister is big into film making so she is going to help me with it. In the book trailer, she will be interviewing me, but the entire thing is scripted. I wrote the script a few weeks ago. I tried to make it humorous. I am hoping it is not too confusing.

Anyway, so I was thinking about back when I first realized that I was delusional, back in early 2008. I mean, plenty of people had told me that I was delusional, but I didn't believe them because I knew better. I decided to make the best of this situation and write a book and become famous. Because I knew that when life gives you lemons, the smart thing to do is make lemonade. And I was pretty sure that I could make lemonade out of these lemons that life had given me.

I didn't know that I was any good at writing. In fact, in the beginning I was thinking about having it ghostwritten. Which is funny, because I think the only kind of people who get their books ghostwritten are famous people. Because if you're not famous and you're not a good enough writer to write a book then you can't have a book. But then I decided to write it myself, because I was on a writer's website and I read a comment from an author, an author who's book I had repeatedly seen on display at bookstores, saying that he didn't think his book would have been as successful as it was if he hadn't have written it himself.

It's kind of odd because I don't even see myself as that great of a writer but people act like I am. I originally decided to write not because I thought I would be good at it, but despite not being that great at it. It turns out though that I am good at it, apparently. I don't know what it is about my writing that is good. Maybe it is because I use a certain kind of humor, a certain kind of subtle humor. I don't really know.

I don't even read that much anymore. I used to read a lot when I was in fifth and sixth grades. Then I stopped. I would still read on occasion, but not nearly as much as I used to. Nowadays if I read I usually read nonfiction. And not usually memoirs. I can't even think of a single memoir I have actually finished reading off the top of my head.

My dad tells me that people who think they are really good at something, like writing, a lot of times aren't good at it at all. They don't know good writing, they lack both the skill to write well and the skill to assess their writing properly.

Writer's Conference

So I went to the writer's conference starting last Friday and ending yesterday. I have to say that this was  one of the most confidence-boosting experiences I've ever had. I'm left with the feeling that I put myself on the line, did something nerve-wracking and succeeded. I may not have a book deal just yet but I'm a step closer.

A week prior to last Saturday, I went to the pre-conference pitch workshop. I realized when I got there that I was going to have to do my pitch in front of the entire group. This scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I had prepared my pitch prior to this. The lady who ran the workshop talked about an adline for your book, which is like a one-line advertisement book you'd have on the front cover. I thought of one and then used the rest of the pitch I had practiced. I waited until the end to do mine, I was the second to last person to go. Sitting there waiting, I felt a deep respect for the other people there. It was the same way I feel in theater class, where I feel that the people around me are talented and I don't necessarily want to be seen as better than them, just as an equal. So I did my pitch, and I didn't know what other people thought. The lady who ran the workshop didn't really give me any advice on the pitch, just to change the title of my book. I didn't know what other people thought.

Well, at the actual conference I had at least three people from the workshop come up to me and tell me I had a good pitch. One guy gave me his card and told me he wanted to read my book, which is convenient because one of the literary agents I talked to told me to get feedback from other writers.

So I started on Friday by signing up for more pitches, so I had a total of 8, and then I went to the place where we could practice on people and get feedback. The first guy I practiced on really liked my pitch. He liked the pitch, he liked the book title, he just told me to get into it more when I was giving the pitch. I attended a workshop, had lunch, then went back for another practice pitch. This time I got a lady who didn't really get it. She got confused. Then I came back for another pitch, and that guy liked it. So the majority of people seemed to like it.

I was really nervous while I was waiting to go into my first real pitch with an agent. We were supposed to arrive 15 minutes prior to when we are scheduled to wait in the waiting area. I sat there, sucked on an Altoid to freshen my breath and listened to the sound of airplanes about to take off (the conference was at the Sheraton at the airport). There was something about the sound of airplanes taking off that gave it this building tension feeling, like you were about to do something very important. The time came, and I walked into the room, nervous as fuck but I tried to let my acting skills take over and act like I was just thrilled to be meeting with this literary agent.

She knew I was nervous. She expressed concern that this was the type of book that I would later just want to keep in my drawer and not get published. I know that's not the case. She did ask for the first 20 pages or 2 chapters. This raised my spirits. While I don't think this lady is going to end up being my literary agent, this improved my confidence that it wasn't as difficult as I thought to get agents to request materials and that there was no real need to be nervous. So for the rest of the conference, I approached each pitch with a little bit of nervousness but mostly like it was no big deal. This is why it was such a confidence boosting thing, because I knew what I was doing was something tough. Yet, it wasn't that hard, because I knew that I could go in there, smile and shake the agent's hand, act excited about my project and give a speech that did sound canned and practiced but that they didn't really care, and then confidently and articulately answer any questions the agents might have about the book.

So, every single agent expressed some sort of different concern about my book. No one was concerned about the same thing. I got two requests for the first twenty to thirty pages, one said I could send him the first few chapters but he suggested I revised first, one said I should find another memoir about delusions, read it, and tell her why mine was different/better, one requested a book proposal, and one requested my full manuscript. There were only two that didn't ask for anything at all.

One thing I wish that I had done was more networking and talking to people. Especially at the beginning, I spent time just sitting at the cafe and sipping on coffee. If I went to another conference, I would take business cards and give them out. But I did talk to people so I didn't do too bad. It made things easier that it was a writers conference because there was a built in subject of conversation to talk about, which was whatever project you were pitching, or if you're talking to a presenter what books they had written in the past and advise on trying to get published.

So, anyway, I recommend writer's conferences to all serious writers.

Upcoming Writer's Conference

The psychic at the holistic fair told me I should go to writer's conferences (actually, she said I should meet the literary agents in person, which means writer's conferences). I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but I was looking up writer's conferences and I found that there was one, IN PORTLAND, during a time I was already going to come home, August 3-5. How convenient!

So I wrote out my pitch and practiced it, both in my head and out loud, both in the living room and in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I did it in the bathroom so I could watch my expressions and connect with my little spiel to see what I should emphasize, what gestures I should make, etc. I wondered what the neighbors thought of me talking to myself about being the second coming of Christ.

My dad suggested I get an idea of the scope of the audience for my book is. I mentioned that you are supposed to assume 1% of the target audience will buy a copy. He said everyone who is bipolar, plus five to include people close to them.

I actually don't think that is the audience. I think the audience is people between the ages of 16 and 35, with people who have actually been delusional showing more interest. So, maybe people between those ages plus older people who have been delusional. When I saw the psychic, she mentioned I had written a children's book. I'm like, "No..." She said, "I meant, a book for younger people, not children." I can actually kind of see that, as the people who I have given my book to who have been younger have seemed to enjoy it more. By younger I mean late teens and twenties. The psychic said it would be popular amongst young people, and popularize some of the things I believe in amongst young people. By the things I believe in, I think she meant like spirits, tarot cards, and past lives.

So I've mentioned I revised the part where I explain my delusions. I think I mentioned that if I get people to understand my delusions, it takes it from being a pretty good memoir to something that is really memorable, because this story that I imagined happened is powerful. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago. I was really picturing this story in my head, and I realized that if it were a movie it's the kind of thing where people would be crying in the movie theater. People cry pretty easily during movies.

Anyway, so I printed my book off, thinking I would give it to someone to read. I used the equivalent of an entire package of paper, because I forgot that the last time I printed it off with my dad we used a two-sided printer, so it was twice as thick as last time. I divided it into two sections, three-whole-punched the first section one or two pages at a time and put it in a binder. I haven't done the second section yet. I realized I don't know who to give it to.

Actually, I have an idea of someone to give it to. It's this other guy who's in the program, in aftercare like me, who I see often. He believed he was the messiah at one time too. For some reason, I think that he would really appreciate my book, more than other people would. So I wanted to give it to him, even though I don't know him very well. I keep thinking I'm going to ask him to read it but every time I'm around him I don't. I was at school, talking to the staff who does study sessions when he came up and asked me if I had an off switch. He didn't mean it to be mean, I don't think. I think he just meant I was full of spunk. I don't really know what he meant. I told him my off switch gets flipped when I take Klonopin at night. Then he went to class. And I didn't ask him.

The Akashic Records

So my urge to be spiritual has been waning a bit. I feel it being replaced by this urge to work on getting published, which right now means preparing for the writers conference. I mentioned that I revised the place in my book where I describe my delusions. I realized that there was no way before that the reader was going to understand based on the way I explained them and I was expecting way too much out of the reader. I feel like if I get people to picture these delusional events in their heads like I picture them in mine, that's my ticket to freedom. Because that's what makes my book stand out. I imagine it like it's a movie. The weakness of the movie is that the climax is basically a guy looking at words on a computer screen, which isn't really action packed, but the power of it is the meaning behind the words.

But anyway, I was back on the spiritual message board that I've been on. Enough time had passed that I could request another psychic reading, so that's what I did. There is a person on the board who does Akashic Records readings. Basically, the Akashic Records are records of each soul who has lived on Earth and their lifetimes, everything that's ever happened to them, every thought, action, etc. is recorded in the Akashic Records, according to people who are apparently experts on them. Apparently, something like the Akashic Records is referenced in most religions, in Christianity/Judaism it is the Book of Life. I asked for a reading, I asked to know a little about my past lives, plus I asked for some sort of direction in this life, like what I was meant to accomplish or what career was right for me.

The reader had me forward my full name to her in a private message. Then she forgot several times about the reading. Finally, a few days ago I got my reading. So apparently, the "Recordkeepers" don't want me to know about my past lives. She just said I did a very good job and completed them admirably. She said that perhaps in this lifetime I have learned patience with people, like forgetful little old ladies. But I haven't been paying enough attention to the wisdom that can be gained from talking to the elderly. She said I should put myself in situations, like a volunteering situation, that involves the young/old at least once a week, and once I do so I will begin to grow and have more ability to connect with the Spiritual Guides/angels/loved ones. I would imagine by loved ones she meant those who have passed. She said I couldn't continue on this current path for much longer, whatever that meant.

So, there is nothing in this particular reading that proves to me that she is really psychic. I sort of lean towards believing her. At any rate, this isn't bad advice, and regardless of whether or not it really came from some higher source it wouldn't be bad to follow it. I asked a follow up question, I asked what she meant by young, like young as in my age, or young as in children. She responded and said she felt around the ages of 4-6, and what she had heard during the reading was "out of the mouths of babes." I googled this phrase to see what it meant and it's an expression used when someone really young says something that exhibits wisdom beyond their years.

I don't know if I've mentioned on here but I used to volunteer with the elderly but had to volunteer somewhere else. So, yesterday I was at the Human Right Education Institute, gluing together parking permits and cropping pictures of food from different countries and the descriptions of the eating habits of these different countries and pasting them on pieces of construction paper. Apparently one of the United State's favorite foods is sesame chicken. News to me. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more valuable I could be doing with my time. I thought about asking the lady if I could volunteer with children, but I decided against it.

Maybe I'll ask next time.

Listening to Your Gut

So I think I have mentioned before that I attend bible study. This is a bible study at my apartment complex, but I think I'm the only one who attends who actually lives there. These people are hardcore, conservative, fundamentalist Christians. I am quite different from them, but I attend every week, so that I can expose myself to different people, and so that I understand the bible better, as they usually point out things about it that I hadn't noticed reading it by myself, or mention the significance of things that I wouldn't have known otherwise.

Bible study occurs on Thursdays and it didn't happen last week. The week before that, something kind of weird happened. We start by eating, then we have prayer requests. I had been thinking before I got there that I was going to have them pray for a situation involving some of my friends. But then, as I was sitting there waiting for my turn, I suddenly felt this determination to ask them to pray for the publication of my book. I had previously thought that maybe I should do this, but I had decided against it, because I am very quiet in this setting and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. Also, I wasn't sure how they would feel about my book if they actually read it. I mean, on the one hand, it has a message to it and it's definitely a Christian message. On the other hand, I believed I was Jesus and that could be seen as blasphemous. On top of that, my delusions were clever but kind of dirty and sexual and strange. In my book I do a lot of "sinful" things. So I didn't want to have them pray for something they might not agree with, though I knew that I meant well and I didn't have any bad intentions and any power I might receive from having my book published I would use for the greater good. But I wasn't sure so I decided against it.

However, two weeks ago, I randomly felt this determination to just say it and get it out there. I had to wait along time for my turn, and I was slightly uncomfortable, but I was determined. So when it was my turn I asked them to pray about my book and I told them it was a memoir about bipolar disorder. This news that I had written a book was greeted very positively by them and everyone was really excited, which made me kind of uncomfortable but at the same time I felt a great amount of relief that I had said it. One of the women there who is like the main lady said she would ask God about it. Now this lady, and a lot of the people there,  claim to talk to God, and they actually have God respond and stuff. I know to a lot of people this sounds like they are a bit crazy and they are a bit crazy but at the same time I think they really are tuned into something. I don't fully agree with what they believe in but I justify it in my own mind by thinking of the idea of "many paths to the same destination" when it comes to spirituality.

So I was waiting all week after that to see what the God told the lady about it, and I was disappointed when bible study was cancelled last week because I had to wait another week. So I came back to my apartment complex yesterday right before bible study and I was a little late like I always am and I noticed that there weren't enough cars in front of the main building to indicate that bible study was happening. I thought, "Oh no, God told her something bad about my book and now they are avoiding me!" Then I went up to the door and there was a sign that said bible study was moved this week to the park right by the complex. As I walked to the park I was nervous, both about what God told the lady and because I had gotten into some trouble at my volunteering which people at bible study are affiliated with due to a lapse in judgment on my part and I had to find a new volunteering place. Anyway, I walked to the park and found the bible study group and they were all eating, and they warmly welcomed me. I was sort of expecting the lady to tell me right off the bat what God told her but she didn't say anything.

So after awhile it's time for prayer requests, and this is when I find out the reason why I had been compelled to bring up my book at the last bible study. As it turns out, there had been a lady there, an older lady who was someone's relative who was visiting. She had schizophrenia, though she took meds and had it under control. Apparently for the first part of her visit, ever since Monday, she had been acting pretty down and in low spirits. When I mentioned I had written a book on mental illness, and she saw everyone's reaction and how they didn't see mental illness as something to be ashamed of, it made her feel much more comfortable and there was a big change in attitude after Thursday and she was in high spirits for the rest of her visit. So by mentioning it, I had helped her out. Everyone was really grateful to me for bringing it up.

I didn't tell them how I had felt strangely compelled to bring it up, but they did mention that the lord must have been working through me by having me do it. And I know they are right about that.

Manifesting Change

Sometime early last year my sister told me that the spirits had been urging her to use the principles from The Secret. She told me what she knew about The Secret, and that was that you had to just imagine what you want to happen, just really picture it in your head, and you don't have to do anything else, and it will happen. She hasn't had any luck with The Secret so far.

When she told me this, it seemed wrong. I mean, I don't know if the whole law of attraction really works or not, it might, but what I mean is, it seemed wrong that you didn't have to actually do anything, it would just magically happen. Yesterday I had my mom buy me a book called Manifesting Change. I found out that I was right about that, that you have to imagine what you want, and then you have to do things that might move you in that general direction, and forces will go to work to make things eventually work out for you.

So anyway, I kept reading. I realized something from reading this book. Now I don't know if the law attraction really works, but if it does, the only thing that is really worth trying to manifest is happiness. Just happiness, which is very general. From what I can gather from reading the book, the more specific you make your requests the less likely they are to actually happen. Or if they do happen, the more likely they are to go wrong some how, and you may get what you tried to manifest, but you might not end up happy so it defeats the purpose.

So I realized that this was true, and it made sense, and I got angry. I was probably angry because I needed a piece of nicotine gum. So I'm sitting here chewing a piece of nicotine gum, and thinking about this. The reason it makes me angry is because I feel like if I just try to manifest happiness I won't get what I really want, which is a published book, and in the end I will just be merely happy, and I don't want to be happy, I want a published book. But this is silliness, because I thought having a published book would make me happy. And in the book Manifesting Change it talks about making attachments, which means being fixated on certain outcomes. Attachments aren't bad if they are about general things, like happiness, or even slightly less general things, like more money or better health or happy relationships. But I think a published book is something that would fall under the category of being something specific, which depends largely on other people, and the more something depends on other people the harder it is to manifest. It says you can imagine specific outcomes, but don't become attached to them.

So now I'm mad, because I realize that if I properly use the powers of manifestation, I may end up deliriously happy, but I won't have a published book. God dammit.

Interference With Free Will

The question of whether or not we have free will is one of them philosophical questions that has been widely debated. I'm not going to discuss that in this entry. Today I'm going to tell you that you have free will, but it is tampered with by spirits. I know this, because I have all the answers, of course, being the spirit girl and all.

I have been told and I have read that spirits/angels/whatever are not allowed to interfere with your life unless you ask them to, via prayer. Not so, not so. No, I don't have all the answers, but I believe that that statement is false. Spirits have the potential to influence you in ways that are massive and huge, without you asking them to.

I don't want to get into book info in this entry. But, part of the reason I believe that I was influenced by spirits is the way in which things fitted together. How, I've said in the past, one spirit-induced event led to another spirit-induced event (when my mom read the entry where I said that, she asked me if by "spirit" I meant alcohol, haha). Actually, I'll give a vague, small example of this from my book. Spirits can tell you to look at things. Sometimes, they tell you to take certain fortune cookies. This happened, I took the fortune cookie, it got me thinking, led me to do something, and that led to other stuff. If I had never done this, I would never have become delusional, never have gone to Innercept, none of that shit would have ever happened. So I felt influenced to do something, and later I was able to see why I was influenced to do it.

The thing about when spirits influence you is, sometimes you notice, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are able to look back and see that when you did something in particular, it was unnatural. Most of the time, you don't notice. You think it's coming from inside of you. It is coming from inside of you actually, but that's because the spirit has gotten inside your head. Most of the time it's subtle, and you don't notice. Then, it tries to get you to do something you really don't want to do. This is when it screams at you, and it is obvious now that you are being influenced. It convinces you it's on your side, and that something good will happen as a result. And you trust this spirit, because you think it's your friend, and that you were somehow blessed with this special friend inside your head. Then, it leads to badness, and magically awesome supernatural messianic experiences. Dammit, I've gotten into too much book information. And I know to a lot of people I sound crazy. If I cared about sounding crazy, I wouldn't have even probably started this blog.

Anyway, they can tell you to do something harmless like merely look at something, and you don't even think before doing it because what harm can come from looking? They can suggest things to you, put ideas in your head, and usually you think they are coming from your own brain. They can affect your emotions, which in turn affects your actions. They can affect what you say and write and the exact way you word things. They can make you hear things. When I heard things though, it was always very obvious to me that they were inside my head.

But that's all I'll say about my personal experience. Now onto more theories. It's because of the power that spirits can have over you that prayers have the ability to work. You can pray for something, and as a result a spirit/angel may take action, devising a plan through influencing people to do things that lead to a  specific outcome. Prayer isn't just magic, and spirits aren't all bad. A lot of times people pray for things that require action on someone else's part. That person never asked to be influenced, but they can be influenced. So, it kind of interferes with their free will.

Ssss.... pirits.

The Woes of Being an Unpublished Author

Trying to get published is a maddening process that I don’t recommend for anyone.

If you’ve read previous posts you already know that I wrote a magazine article, which I submitted to a magazine. I got a rejection, but based on what they said in the personal note they wrote me, and on the fact that I got a personal note in the first place, they did like it and seriously considered publishing it. So, as far as getting published goes, this means I got close but didn’t quite make it. I’ve since submitted to another magazine.

This was a short, just over two page double-spaced article. I’m more concerned about getting my book published, which is 370 pages double spaced. The article was in my opinion some of my best writing. My book isn’t poorly written but it’s hard to keep up a strong sense of voice for 370 pages. It was easy when it was just two pages.

Another thing I know is, writing is a magical process and it’s hard to just sit down and write something good at any random time. And if I didn’t do drugs, forget it, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I take these drugs legally (Adderall through prescription plus caffeine and nicotine gum). These drugs keep my thoughts from darting around randomly, and makes them flow in a conversational stream. I get caught on one subject, start feeling passionately opinionated about something, and that’s when the magic happens. That’s when I’m in the mood to write. That’s why I decided against going off Adderall.

But anyway, back to my book. So around the beginning of the year I wrote a new query letter, posted in on a website for writers, got positive feedback, and I have since resumed querying. I’ve sent out more than ten query letters and I have gotten back four form rejections. One thing you have to understand, though, is a lot of literary agencies don’t send form rejections, they simply don’t respond if they’re not interested. So that doesn’t mean I am awaiting at least six more responses, some of the others have probably passed on my project without the courtesy of telling me. But I should receive a few more responses.

So I am reminded of that common definition of insanity that everyone is familiar with. I feel like keep doing the same thing over and over again. But, come to think of it, I don’t really expect a different result, whenever I see a response to one of my queries in my inbox I fully expect a form rejection, and hey, it always is. But you haven’t failed until you’ve given up. I keep telling myself I’m not going to give up until I’m published. I’m really at a loss for what to do next, though. I kind of wonder if these agencies ever send out anything besides form rejections. I’m really, really frustrated. I don’t even feel guided anymore. I’m just standing alone in the middle of nowhere completely lost, without any means of moving forward. Perhaps I’m being too dramatic.

Honestly, I would have given up already, if it weren’t for the fact that I think that my book is the best fucking thing ever. Yes, it is. Sure, it’s a bit different from the other books on the market. There isn’t any book that I’ve heard of that I would compare it to. But different is a good thing, the way I see it. Some people have read (parts of) it and some of them also act like it’s the best thing ever. Trouble is, I get mad because I don’t think they really understand it. In order to understand my book, you have to have a good comprehension of what I believed when I was delusional. While reading about it, you have to stay on your toes, in order to properly digest the information I feed to you in that section of the book, and you have to do it in a hurry because I feed it to you fast. It’s also the kind of book that’s worth reading more than once.

But, to sum things up, my fight to get published isn’t over till it’s over. And, as of right now, it’s far from over. That’s all for now.

The Kind of Things that Only Happen to Me

Sometimes I think I just hold onto anger because it's fun.

I was doing research for a school project today, and something I was researching got me thinking. This is where things are vague. I was thinking about how curious I was about certain things. Then, I realized I might be happier not knowing certain things, because the truth would probably just upset me and piss me off. And a mild cloud of despair started to form, as I stewed in these thoughts, imagining what certain people might think.

And in this moment I realized something. I mentioned before there is someone whom I am angry at. And just in case someone comes across this who is aware of certain events in my life, let's just say it's someone you wouldn't expect. Before I was thinking I had gotten over the real sting of what they did, I just continued to seethe because, well, I like to seethe! But in this moment, I realized how much better off I'd be, how much more comfortable I'd feel if this person hadn't done what they did. And I felt justified in my anger.

So I sat there, thinking about how people just don't understand. If they had only known what things were like for me, they wouldn't be this way. But oh, I know how people are. They like to assume the worst. Sometimes I do this too, I assume the worst. If I didn't assume the worst, it wouldn't mean anything to me, what this person did. But when you don't have very much information to go by, you closely examine the information you do have, and draw conclusions based on it. I am very familiar with this.

So, I combat all this with hope and positive feelings about the future. I will publish my book, which explains my side of the story. And people will hear my side of the story. Of course no one would understand now. These are the kind of things that only happen to me.

Drugs, Experimentation, and Scare Tactics that Brainwash

I had a conversation with my mom today about various topics, one of the topics was my book. We didn't talk about it but I was thinking about the reasons why it's okay to say things that aren't necessarily flattering about yourself in your book. No, there's nothing in my book that actually embarrasses me (that I haven't removed). But, people who read my book will realize that I'm not perfect and that I have made mistakes.

My mind wandered some more throughout the day, and then landed on the subject of drugs. In general, I respect people more who have tried drugs than people who haven't. Particularly people who have been to the bottom and then climbed their way back up. I respect someone like this a lot more than someone who has stayed away from drugs all their life. I respect people who have made mistakes and have had to overcome trials a lot more than people who have been at the top their whole life.

But, back to the subject of merely trying drugs. It's not that I don't respect people who haven't tried drugs. But here's what mildly annoys me: when people act like they are better than me because I've tried drugs and they haven't. A certain housemate who shall remain unnamed was looking at my home pass agreement and laughing because it said that I must refrain from alcohol or drug use, because his never says that, because he's never done drugs.

So here's what I'm thinking but I don't say out loud. I was once like you. I was once one of them goody two-shoe kids who thought I would never try drugs. But then guess what happened? I grew up! It all goes back to the 8th grade, when something happened that I won't mention because it's top secret book information. The schools and the media try to scare kids about drugs. They try to brainwash you into associating the word "drugs" with something horrible and bad. That's why they get mad at my program when I call my medications drugs. Because they try to maintain that association in your mind of drugs with scary images of homeless meth addicts with sunken cheek bones, scabs, and missing teeth. They don't want you to equate the drugs they give you with the drugs on the street, when in actuality some of them aren't that different from each other.

Here's the truth: most people in the world have tried drugs, and most of them didn't get addicted. There's a chance that you might get addicted, and that's the reason that they try to scare you into staying away from drugs. If you're someone who has a family history of addiction, or you know that you have an addictive personality, and that's the reason that you stay away from drugs, then I can respect that. What I don't respect is people who think they're better than me because they continue to buy into the scare tactics that the schools and the media have used to try to get them to stay away from drugs. These people have been brainwashed.

I don't regret trying drugs. I've had experiences on drugs that I value. Sure, my experiences may have been due to chemicals. But guess what, every experience you have is the result of chemicals! Who cares if they naturally occur in the brain or not? I have had realizations on drugs about things I would not have realized otherwise, and they have permanently changed my views on the world. When I have kids, I will be honest and tell them that I've tried drugs.

The truth is, for the most part, trying a drug once or a few times or using it for a short period of time probably isn't going to cause very much damage at all. What is damaging is chronic use. I know some people who simply don't like drugs, my sister is one of them, and there's nothing wrong with that, actually that's a good thing. I used to abuse cough syrup a lot, but then I got tired of feeling stupid like my brain was in a fog and I couldn't think straight. I see a lot of value in being sober. But I also see a lot of value in experimenting with drugs. And that's what I think.

Thank you for listening.

2012: My Next Big Year

So my home pass is drawing to a close... and I must say it's been a good one. I feel that the year 2012 holds a lot of promise for me. My mom said she feels the same way. Not only that, but my cookie told me that today also. I got the fortune, "You will soon be confronted with unlimited opportunities."

I came home thinking I would work on getting published in a magazine. I thought maybe Psychology Today (there's a two-minute memoir section). Then I read they don't accept personal stories of psychological disorders or recovery. So I guess they actually LIKE the crap they usually publish in that section. Hmm.

Anyway, I found a magazine that does accept that kind of thing, and it's called The Sun. Note the "The." There is a trashy magazine called Sun out there, and it's not the same thing. I believe that's the magazine that I saw the headline not too long ago that said: "Alien Skull Found - and It Talks!" So anyway, I printed out my article, and prepared it with and SASE to be sent off to The Sun magazine. I will send it when I go back to Idaho.

I've actually spent most of my vacation working. Of course, it doesn't feel like working because it's actually been fun. First I read through my book again, doing some minor editing, and removing one particular section. Then I gave all the chapters titles (which took awhile because there are 60 of them). Then I went through and changed everyone's names. Finally, I read through it one last time, just to double check everything.

I've also been working on a new query letter. I had written a new one following feedback I had received from one writing site in particular. So I expanded on this one, making it more interesting. Then I found a new writing site (I didn't want to go back to the old one for reasons I don't want to get into), and posted it. I received very positive feedback on it. They suggested a few minor changes, and told me that my book sounded very marketable and told me that agents would probably yank it right up. Previously, on the other site, I got responses to my other queries like: "If I were the agent I wouldn't be able to hit delete quick enough." I don't think it's because these people are going easy on me though, this query is just a great deal better. That's why it's important to get other peoples' opinions on query letters if you are trying to get published, preferably fellow writers. Sometimes you don't realize the impression that your query would make.

So anyway, I'll be back in Idaho on Wednesday, and then hopefully moving into my apartment for good shortly after that.

Laughing With God

I would like to take a moment to discuss why the title of my book is Laughing With God. In order to do so, I may have to discuss the content of the book, which I don't normally do on my blog because when it comes out I want the content to be fresh to someone who might perhaps read my blog. But sometimes I make exceptions.

Laughing With God is the title of my book because it captures what was the best part of being delusional, which was when I felt like I was God and I was laughing. Actually, it's a bit misleading because it makes it sound like you and God are two separate things, when the experience I'm talking about is when I am God and I am laughing. But "Laughing As God" didn't sound right.

When I was experiencing one of my "episodes," sometimes I wouldn't feel like myself. Sometimes, I felt like I was someone else. Other times, I felt like I was no one. But the best of times was when I felt like I was God, and I was laughing. Everytime I felt like I was God I was laughing. God is a jolly fellow, sort of like Santa Claus.

I would laugh at something my people did. I was God, and my people, they were so funny. They'd do so many hilarious things. But I'm not talking about those things, that's top secret book information.

It would be funny because they didn't get it. I'd kind of like watching your child, and laughing at what your child does and how your child thinks because their understanding and comprehension is inferior to your own. It reminds me of my dad telling me about cargo cults. According to my dad, less advanced civilizations of people came in contact with more advanced modern day civilizations with airplanes and all sorts of cool technology. The less advanced civilizations wondered why our gods had given us that stuff and not them. They figured it was because we built cool (air traffic control) towers to worship the gods. So the primitive societies built some towers imitating us hoping that the gods would reward them with the same sorts of cool things they had rewarded us with. This is something that we can all laugh at that would also make God laugh, if in fact the god from my experiences were real. And if the god from my experiences were real, that would mean He was me.

What I'm trying to say is, this god isn't mean, but he laughs at humans because they are stupid.

Shyness

So I've been thinking about how I diagnosed myself with selective mutism. I told my therapist today about it, she didn't argue but she said something like, "oh, well most people get anxious in social settings." But she wouldn't really know if I had the disorder or not. She didn't know me when I was younger.

There's something about knowing I have this disorder that makes me feel better. When I think about it, I see reasons why it could make me feel better or it could make me feel worse. The reason why it might make me feel worse is because it means I'm not unique in being so quiet, which sounds like a good thing, but let me explain. I remember back in 2006, I was at the Amen clinic where they were scanning my brain. They also do an interview to help with the diagnosis. It took a great deal of prodding because I had learned from past mistakes not to talk to doctors about certain things, but the interviewer got me to explain a little bit of my delusions, though not in great detail (come to think of it, I've never really explained them to anyone in great detail). The interviewer said there were a few grandiose things, so he asked me the question he asks everyone, which was: "Why you?" Why would this happen to you? Why are you so special? I knew why me, but I didn't answer this question. Because I'm the girl who doesn't talk. And yes, these were delusions, but as I've said before I've considered the circumstances carefully and I think there was something more than just a chemical imbalance, and so what I'm trying to say is that being unique supports my theory. Which is why I might not be happy about not being unique, but that isn't the case. Because being exceptionally quiet is by far not the only thing that makes me unique!

I don't really feel like ranting and raving about the reasons why there are spirits. Even if I did, I would just dance around the issue because if I were to actually give reasons I would be revealing book secrets. Back to the issue at hand: selective mutism. Now that I have a name to describe what I have, I see it as something more external to me and not a defect of my soul. I also realize that it can come with virtues, which I explained in a previous post.

This is weird and I can't stop thinking about it. I wonder if this has anything to do with why I've been feeling seriously funny lately. I think there's more to it than that, though. If I believed in astrology, I might say that the stars have shifted and they are in my favor right now. But I don't believe in astrology.