So I'm wondering why I decided to continue on to intermediate acting. Actually, I know why I decided to. It wasn't because I plan on making any sort of career out of acting. I know that I am fooling myself if I thought I could be good enough to make it like that. The reason I took the class was to get myself out of my comfort zone. It sounded like a good idea about three months before classes started.
We were assigned an assignment which involved us doing something in front of the class that we only did alone and makes us slightly uncomfortable. The trouble with this particular assignment is, it doesn't matter what the hell I'm doing, if I am in front of the class alone then I am uncomfortable. On top of that, we are supposed to make ourselves vulnerable in some emotional way through what we are doing.
So I decided to do something in front of the mirror. I kind of planned it out but didn't practice. I realized as I was preparing to do this in front of the class that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to do this. So I pretended to look in the mirror, which was actually the audience, and then I sighed and then put on some makeup. I was thinking that maybe I was pretending to think I was ugly or something, like this was a moment where I was insecure about my looks. I thought that might be an okay thing to do. Trouble is, I just got so damn nervous, I thought I was going to have a repeat of the near-faint I had during my speech last spring. I was shaking and I thought it might be visible. In the middle of the performance I suddenly said I was done. For some reason I think that maybe my shaking wasn't as obvious as I thought it was, but I don't know. The teacher seemed kind of surprised and said ok that was short but ok. Anyway.
So I felt like I failed. And now I'm wondering how I am going to pursue my destiny when I get so nervous in front of people. Like, how am I going to be a public figure. Because I am going to be a public figure.
I'm having trouble getting people to appreciate the parts of my book that I want them to appreciate. So, I rewrite it. It almost seems like a lost cause sometimes, but I persist because I know that it has something that if I succeed at making other people see it will be a big deal. Trouble is that I take for granted that I understand it so well, that it is not obvious to me what parts people might not understand, so I don't necessarily explain those parts.
One of the psychics at the holistic fair said it would happen, and that I would be a speaker at places bigger than that place, meaning bigger than the holistic fair. She told me something else that I think is going to happen, but that's something secret. She was also the one that advised me to meet literary agents in person. That was good advice, despite the fact that I have only heard back from one of them, and that was a no. But I didn't have high expectations for that particular literary agent.
Anyway, so for now I just have to deal with the horrible crippling anxiety.
Showing posts with label agents. Show all posts
Showing posts with label agents. Show all posts
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Monday, August 6, 2012
Writer's Conference
So I went to the writer's conference starting last Friday and ending yesterday. I have to say that this was one of the most confidence-boosting experiences I've ever had. I'm left with the feeling that I put myself on the line, did something nerve-wracking and succeeded. I may not have a book deal just yet but I'm a step closer.
A week prior to last Saturday, I went to the pre-conference pitch workshop. I realized when I got there that I was going to have to do my pitch in front of the entire group. This scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I had prepared my pitch prior to this. The lady who ran the workshop talked about an adline for your book, which is like a one-line advertisement book you'd have on the front cover. I thought of one and then used the rest of the pitch I had practiced. I waited until the end to do mine, I was the second to last person to go. Sitting there waiting, I felt a deep respect for the other people there. It was the same way I feel in theater class, where I feel that the people around me are talented and I don't necessarily want to be seen as better than them, just as an equal. So I did my pitch, and I didn't know what other people thought. The lady who ran the workshop didn't really give me any advice on the pitch, just to change the title of my book. I didn't know what other people thought.
Well, at the actual conference I had at least three people from the workshop come up to me and tell me I had a good pitch. One guy gave me his card and told me he wanted to read my book, which is convenient because one of the literary agents I talked to told me to get feedback from other writers.
So I started on Friday by signing up for more pitches, so I had a total of 8, and then I went to the place where we could practice on people and get feedback. The first guy I practiced on really liked my pitch. He liked the pitch, he liked the book title, he just told me to get into it more when I was giving the pitch. I attended a workshop, had lunch, then went back for another practice pitch. This time I got a lady who didn't really get it. She got confused. Then I came back for another pitch, and that guy liked it. So the majority of people seemed to like it.
I was really nervous while I was waiting to go into my first real pitch with an agent. We were supposed to arrive 15 minutes prior to when we are scheduled to wait in the waiting area. I sat there, sucked on an Altoid to freshen my breath and listened to the sound of airplanes about to take off (the conference was at the Sheraton at the airport). There was something about the sound of airplanes taking off that gave it this building tension feeling, like you were about to do something very important. The time came, and I walked into the room, nervous as fuck but I tried to let my acting skills take over and act like I was just thrilled to be meeting with this literary agent.
She knew I was nervous. She expressed concern that this was the type of book that I would later just want to keep in my drawer and not get published. I know that's not the case. She did ask for the first 20 pages or 2 chapters. This raised my spirits. While I don't think this lady is going to end up being my literary agent, this improved my confidence that it wasn't as difficult as I thought to get agents to request materials and that there was no real need to be nervous. So for the rest of the conference, I approached each pitch with a little bit of nervousness but mostly like it was no big deal. This is why it was such a confidence boosting thing, because I knew what I was doing was something tough. Yet, it wasn't that hard, because I knew that I could go in there, smile and shake the agent's hand, act excited about my project and give a speech that did sound canned and practiced but that they didn't really care, and then confidently and articulately answer any questions the agents might have about the book.
So, every single agent expressed some sort of different concern about my book. No one was concerned about the same thing. I got two requests for the first twenty to thirty pages, one said I could send him the first few chapters but he suggested I revised first, one said I should find another memoir about delusions, read it, and tell her why mine was different/better, one requested a book proposal, and one requested my full manuscript. There were only two that didn't ask for anything at all.
One thing I wish that I had done was more networking and talking to people. Especially at the beginning, I spent time just sitting at the cafe and sipping on coffee. If I went to another conference, I would take business cards and give them out. But I did talk to people so I didn't do too bad. It made things easier that it was a writers conference because there was a built in subject of conversation to talk about, which was whatever project you were pitching, or if you're talking to a presenter what books they had written in the past and advise on trying to get published.
So, anyway, I recommend writer's conferences to all serious writers.
A week prior to last Saturday, I went to the pre-conference pitch workshop. I realized when I got there that I was going to have to do my pitch in front of the entire group. This scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I had prepared my pitch prior to this. The lady who ran the workshop talked about an adline for your book, which is like a one-line advertisement book you'd have on the front cover. I thought of one and then used the rest of the pitch I had practiced. I waited until the end to do mine, I was the second to last person to go. Sitting there waiting, I felt a deep respect for the other people there. It was the same way I feel in theater class, where I feel that the people around me are talented and I don't necessarily want to be seen as better than them, just as an equal. So I did my pitch, and I didn't know what other people thought. The lady who ran the workshop didn't really give me any advice on the pitch, just to change the title of my book. I didn't know what other people thought.
Well, at the actual conference I had at least three people from the workshop come up to me and tell me I had a good pitch. One guy gave me his card and told me he wanted to read my book, which is convenient because one of the literary agents I talked to told me to get feedback from other writers.
So I started on Friday by signing up for more pitches, so I had a total of 8, and then I went to the place where we could practice on people and get feedback. The first guy I practiced on really liked my pitch. He liked the pitch, he liked the book title, he just told me to get into it more when I was giving the pitch. I attended a workshop, had lunch, then went back for another practice pitch. This time I got a lady who didn't really get it. She got confused. Then I came back for another pitch, and that guy liked it. So the majority of people seemed to like it.
I was really nervous while I was waiting to go into my first real pitch with an agent. We were supposed to arrive 15 minutes prior to when we are scheduled to wait in the waiting area. I sat there, sucked on an Altoid to freshen my breath and listened to the sound of airplanes about to take off (the conference was at the Sheraton at the airport). There was something about the sound of airplanes taking off that gave it this building tension feeling, like you were about to do something very important. The time came, and I walked into the room, nervous as fuck but I tried to let my acting skills take over and act like I was just thrilled to be meeting with this literary agent.
She knew I was nervous. She expressed concern that this was the type of book that I would later just want to keep in my drawer and not get published. I know that's not the case. She did ask for the first 20 pages or 2 chapters. This raised my spirits. While I don't think this lady is going to end up being my literary agent, this improved my confidence that it wasn't as difficult as I thought to get agents to request materials and that there was no real need to be nervous. So for the rest of the conference, I approached each pitch with a little bit of nervousness but mostly like it was no big deal. This is why it was such a confidence boosting thing, because I knew what I was doing was something tough. Yet, it wasn't that hard, because I knew that I could go in there, smile and shake the agent's hand, act excited about my project and give a speech that did sound canned and practiced but that they didn't really care, and then confidently and articulately answer any questions the agents might have about the book.
So, every single agent expressed some sort of different concern about my book. No one was concerned about the same thing. I got two requests for the first twenty to thirty pages, one said I could send him the first few chapters but he suggested I revised first, one said I should find another memoir about delusions, read it, and tell her why mine was different/better, one requested a book proposal, and one requested my full manuscript. There were only two that didn't ask for anything at all.
One thing I wish that I had done was more networking and talking to people. Especially at the beginning, I spent time just sitting at the cafe and sipping on coffee. If I went to another conference, I would take business cards and give them out. But I did talk to people so I didn't do too bad. It made things easier that it was a writers conference because there was a built in subject of conversation to talk about, which was whatever project you were pitching, or if you're talking to a presenter what books they had written in the past and advise on trying to get published.
So, anyway, I recommend writer's conferences to all serious writers.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
The Coming of the Future
So it started at the end of last year on my birthday. I just started feeling... funny. A good kind of funny. Like good things were on the horizon for me.
My sister and I talked about how when we were younger we both felt that we would grow up to be famous. I had a sense of being the kind of person who would be of great interest to other people. And I felt special in a good way. When I got a little older, I felt like maybe I was different in a bad way, because I was so quiet, and I felt kind of dead inside. But when I became delusional, something inside me awakened and I felt alive like never before. And so it was believable to me that I was Jesus, because I had this feeling of being special in a Jesus-like way. It wasn't that I thought I was really great though, this is kind of hard to explain. I thought the feeling went away when I became undelusional, but then I realized that it didn't really. The feeling never goes away. I wonder if all delusional people who believe they are Jesus feel this way.
But anyway, I thought that if my sister and I were to become famous it would start with me and my book. Then earlier this year, for the first time, my sister, who is more psychic than I am, said that she knew that this is how it was going to happen. So I believed that this feeling I was getting was real. And one thing I've learned is that when you have a funny feeling about something, the less you doubt it the more real it becomes.
So I felt the change inside of me, and it influenced what was interesting to me. At its strongest, I had no interest in anything that didn't have to do with the publication of my book. I went to Hastings, and the only thing I was interested in was books about getting published. I wrote query letters, many different query letters, sent them off, got lots of form rejections. I got frustrated. I sent one last query letter (for the time being), lost interest in query letters and decided I would start out by getting published in a magazine and I would hope that it would lead to a book deal. I felt quite certain that I would succeed at this game, but I no longer felt that strong drive to act, act, act. Innercept took away my computer. I figured I would resume my efforts when I got to aftercare.
I finally heard back from the last agent, after an unusually long wait, and it was request for my manuscript. I was happy and I sent it off, but I no longer felt that strong drive, that funny high that made me believe that good things were on the horizon, though I definitely still believed that good things were on the horizon, but the feeling went dormant.
Right now I'm still waiting for a reply. And I keep telling Caitlin I feel the coming of the future. And now, I'm starting to feel that high again. Will I get an offer for representation? I can't say now because only time will tell. But that's kind of why I think I feel this way, because something good is about to happen.
The future is coming, and I feel the urge to prepare. I chose classes for the fall that will help me prepare. I feel that I am doing this because I know that something is going to happen.
My sister and I talked about how when we were younger we both felt that we would grow up to be famous. I had a sense of being the kind of person who would be of great interest to other people. And I felt special in a good way. When I got a little older, I felt like maybe I was different in a bad way, because I was so quiet, and I felt kind of dead inside. But when I became delusional, something inside me awakened and I felt alive like never before. And so it was believable to me that I was Jesus, because I had this feeling of being special in a Jesus-like way. It wasn't that I thought I was really great though, this is kind of hard to explain. I thought the feeling went away when I became undelusional, but then I realized that it didn't really. The feeling never goes away. I wonder if all delusional people who believe they are Jesus feel this way.
But anyway, I thought that if my sister and I were to become famous it would start with me and my book. Then earlier this year, for the first time, my sister, who is more psychic than I am, said that she knew that this is how it was going to happen. So I believed that this feeling I was getting was real. And one thing I've learned is that when you have a funny feeling about something, the less you doubt it the more real it becomes.
So I felt the change inside of me, and it influenced what was interesting to me. At its strongest, I had no interest in anything that didn't have to do with the publication of my book. I went to Hastings, and the only thing I was interested in was books about getting published. I wrote query letters, many different query letters, sent them off, got lots of form rejections. I got frustrated. I sent one last query letter (for the time being), lost interest in query letters and decided I would start out by getting published in a magazine and I would hope that it would lead to a book deal. I felt quite certain that I would succeed at this game, but I no longer felt that strong drive to act, act, act. Innercept took away my computer. I figured I would resume my efforts when I got to aftercare.
I finally heard back from the last agent, after an unusually long wait, and it was request for my manuscript. I was happy and I sent it off, but I no longer felt that strong drive, that funny high that made me believe that good things were on the horizon, though I definitely still believed that good things were on the horizon, but the feeling went dormant.
Right now I'm still waiting for a reply. And I keep telling Caitlin I feel the coming of the future. And now, I'm starting to feel that high again. Will I get an offer for representation? I can't say now because only time will tell. But that's kind of why I think I feel this way, because something good is about to happen.
The future is coming, and I feel the urge to prepare. I chose classes for the fall that will help me prepare. I feel that I am doing this because I know that something is going to happen.
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