Sometimes, I am on a search for what really matters in life. Where should I put the basis of most of my enjoyment? What should I actively look forward to?
I used to look forward all the time to eating, back when I was young and horribly depressed. Eating can be a very positive experience. However, eat too much and you become fat. And it's hard to live with yourself when you are fat, with the way people treat you and shit. Which is why you shouldn't really look forward at all to eating, unless you are really hungry. If you're not hungry, you shouldn't even think about food.
I used to look forward to the effects of my drugs, mainly the Adderall. But, like I've stated in a previous blog entry, it doesn't really have that effect any more. Caffeine still has an effect on me. Nicotine still has an effect on me. Maybe I should look forward to those things.
I enjoy working, and getting things done, and making progress with my projects. I got high off productivity. This high is even better than an Adderall high. Sure, the Adderall high is full of more fake, artificial sugary happy sweetness, but a productivity high actually means something. When it's gone, it's not really gone, because I still accomplished the work. What do I have to show for an Adderall high, after it is all done? Absolutely nothing. That is, unless the increased motivation from the Adderall high led me to accomplish something. But a lot of times, I will just sit and think on it. Which is utterly unproductive. So yeah, in a way it's better it doesn't make me high anymore.
What I really think is worth my time to be obsessed over, is social interactions. Talking to different people. Sometimes, I talk to people about my work and computers. The thing is, I don't know a whole lot of different stuff about computers, so to avoid exposing my ignorance, these conversations have to be brief, if I'm talking to someone who majored in computer science. I have only ever taken a couple of computer science classes. I learned programming in high school. I learned Visual Basic, which is supposed to be easy to learn and use, but honestly, now that I have pretty much got down Objective C, Objective C is no harder than Basic. I could talk on and on about the mechanics of programming, like debugging. All the time you spend single stepping through code, trying to track down the bug, and that feeling of satisfaction when you finally catch it. But really, people don't really talk about that, at least not with me. So I talk about my projects. Anyway.
So, I have in my mind that social interaction would be the most rewarding thing. But I spend almost all my time alone. I don't go out much anymore. There was a period of time last year when I was going out a lot. I'm not really all that good at social interaction, though I am a million times better than I used to be.
The thing that bothers me a lot is how I went through junior high and high school, all the time doing the bare minimum when it came to social interaction. I can't tell you how much I regret that, and how much it bothers me now. I would really like to be part of a group of friends. But I don't have that. I have random friends here and there. I have friends from Innercept. That's the thing, as much as I bitched and moaned about how much I hated Innercept, and how horrible it was, most of the people I call my real friends now, are people I met at Innercept. At Innercept, I kind of did have a group of girl friends.
I sometimes get down, like I did just last night, thinking about all the people I know who don't like me. Bridges I've burned, mostly, if not always, from drinking too much alcohol. But then I think of all the people who really, really like me, like certain staff members from Innercept. And I remember how I could just talk to staff so easily, and how now when I talk to people, I struggle, because I spend so much time alone. I remember Erik. And how as much as some people don't like him, he was someone who I could actually really talk to, about whatever was on my mind. And how throughout the day, we would text back and forth constantly.
The thing about social interaction, it keeps the mental illness in check. Like, the small, quirky symptoms I have. Like the talking to myself, about myself, from the perspective of someone else. But, recently I've stopped doing that. Which makes me feel like I am doing better.
So all in all, I'm not doing horribly. And I'm not constantly tortured anymore, tortured by these thoughts that rip me inside out. That went away last year, oddly enough, from the experience of again being delusional. In a way, that made me feel a lot better, and I'm no longer all upset because certain people unfriended me. Like it used to really bother me that one particular person did. But now I don't even care. Who cares? Why do I get myself so upset over these things? And I'm no longer all embarrassed about certain particular things, like things I said to this one guy, because really, what does it matter? I've moved on. That whole situation, which used to tear me inside out, doesn't hurt anymore. It don't hurt no more.
But the social isolation is what's killing me right now.
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mental illness. Show all posts
Monday, March 3, 2014
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Public Speaking
So, I say it all the time. I'm going to be famous. I'm going to be famous.
I'm going to be both an author and a mobile app developer. Actually, I imagine what will make me famous is my book. Yes, it will be lost on a lot of people, but there will be a small group of people who really "gets" it, and likes it. This is what I imagine.
But what do you do when you are famous? If you are a famous singer, or musician, you do shows where you play music, sing and/or dance. I'm not going to be a famous musician. I will be a famous mentally ill author. So what do those people do? They talk. They give speeches in front of people. Public speaking.
I went to a couple Toastmaster meetings awhile ago. The problem I had with it was that it was too business-like. Like, oriented towards speaking in a corporate or business setting. I want to talk about mental illness. I would not feel comfortable talking at Toastmasters about my mental illness.
But then there's NAMI. If I could give speeches there, it would be okay. What I would do is, step one, write a really good speech. Step two, practice it. Step three, give it in front of people. Then, I could go around giving my speech, and then make a Youtube video of me giving my speech.
What would my speech topic be? So I was thinking my speech would be about how to talk to delusional people. Now, I have experience being both the delusional person, and the one talking to the delusional person. So I would first do some research about it, what experts say, and then incorporate in my own experiences.
So this could give me practice with public speaking.
I'd like to spend time making connections with people. I'd also like to spend time getting more experience with these matters. Like, talking to people who are out of it or delusional. I don't know how I would do this. I was thinking of volunteering with NAMI. The thing is I would want to work specifically with people who were out of it.
I'm going to be both an author and a mobile app developer. Actually, I imagine what will make me famous is my book. Yes, it will be lost on a lot of people, but there will be a small group of people who really "gets" it, and likes it. This is what I imagine.
But what do you do when you are famous? If you are a famous singer, or musician, you do shows where you play music, sing and/or dance. I'm not going to be a famous musician. I will be a famous mentally ill author. So what do those people do? They talk. They give speeches in front of people. Public speaking.
I went to a couple Toastmaster meetings awhile ago. The problem I had with it was that it was too business-like. Like, oriented towards speaking in a corporate or business setting. I want to talk about mental illness. I would not feel comfortable talking at Toastmasters about my mental illness.
But then there's NAMI. If I could give speeches there, it would be okay. What I would do is, step one, write a really good speech. Step two, practice it. Step three, give it in front of people. Then, I could go around giving my speech, and then make a Youtube video of me giving my speech.
What would my speech topic be? So I was thinking my speech would be about how to talk to delusional people. Now, I have experience being both the delusional person, and the one talking to the delusional person. So I would first do some research about it, what experts say, and then incorporate in my own experiences.
So this could give me practice with public speaking.
I'd like to spend time making connections with people. I'd also like to spend time getting more experience with these matters. Like, talking to people who are out of it or delusional. I don't know how I would do this. I was thinking of volunteering with NAMI. The thing is I would want to work specifically with people who were out of it.
Monday, November 18, 2013
Stigma
So I hear that mental illness has a stigma. I know this, but I operate like there is no stigma. Which is probably a bad thing.
Maybe I am just sheltered from the way other people think. But I remember how I was, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I secretly thought people who were bipolar were cool. Some of the coolest people are bipolar.
I remember being at camp, and a girl was telling a story about how she was driving with her mom out in the country, and she looked behind her and saw a bus. There was no bus there. Her mom told her that. But she's like, "mom, I see a bus!" I secretly thought this girl was cool.
I don't know what it is. There is something about having a few screws loose that I think is cool.
However, it's annoying when it's you. And you mom is like, "Rachel, your brain is just so delicate! You are very fragile! You have a very fragile brain!!!" These kind of statements annoy the fuck out of me. So I would go to great lengths to try to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.
Even now, I think I have a mental illness. But I wonder if all the events that have happened have been purely random.
Bipolar people are cool because they are different. They have dealt with shit. I think people are cooler if they have dealt with shit in their lives, and not everything has been easy.
But I try to join the group of people, like how some autistic people are, who are like, it's not a curse it's a blessing! So maybe through being bipolar, I can unlock the brilliance of my own mind.
Mania is great. But it's hard when you have finally achieved the state you want to live your life in, and everyone tells you have to be medicated to the point where you feel confused and have low self-esteem. I finally got what I've always wanted, why must you take it away?
Maybe I am just sheltered from the way other people think. But I remember how I was, before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I secretly thought people who were bipolar were cool. Some of the coolest people are bipolar.
I remember being at camp, and a girl was telling a story about how she was driving with her mom out in the country, and she looked behind her and saw a bus. There was no bus there. Her mom told her that. But she's like, "mom, I see a bus!" I secretly thought this girl was cool.
I don't know what it is. There is something about having a few screws loose that I think is cool.
However, it's annoying when it's you. And you mom is like, "Rachel, your brain is just so delicate! You are very fragile! You have a very fragile brain!!!" These kind of statements annoy the fuck out of me. So I would go to great lengths to try to convince myself I wasn't bipolar.
Even now, I think I have a mental illness. But I wonder if all the events that have happened have been purely random.
Bipolar people are cool because they are different. They have dealt with shit. I think people are cooler if they have dealt with shit in their lives, and not everything has been easy.
But I try to join the group of people, like how some autistic people are, who are like, it's not a curse it's a blessing! So maybe through being bipolar, I can unlock the brilliance of my own mind.
Mania is great. But it's hard when you have finally achieved the state you want to live your life in, and everyone tells you have to be medicated to the point where you feel confused and have low self-esteem. I finally got what I've always wanted, why must you take it away?
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Fiction, Delusions, and Art
So I have come to a point where I can accept that I do have a mental illness.
There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.
Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.
When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.
I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.
And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.
But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.
It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.
But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.
I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?
There are things I wonder about, though. Like, I wonder what it would be like if I just wasn't on any meds. I kind of think it would be easier to ease off some of the meds, and then take the challenges as they come.
Some of the things I experience I think stem from some sort of contact with the spirits. But, my brain gets confused about what is going on, so I receive information and then there are elaborations that aren't true and it spins out of control.
When I am delusional, or at least, when I am having an episode, I am having the time of my life. That's the thing I don't think people understand. My parents say, oh, the worst is behind you, it can only get better from here. They don't understand that having an episode is like the freaking coolest experience of your life.
I sometimes wonder if it is weirder than drugs. Contrary to what other people seem to think, I really haven't done that many drugs in my life. I haven't done any hallucinogens besides one hit of DMT, which didn't really do anything, and cough syrup. Cough syrup was fun, but the difference between being delusional and doing cough syrup is that when you are delusional, you are a bit clearer in a way. Like, you might believe things that aren't true, but you don't feel fucking stupid. You get caught up in these plot lines that are intelligent but lack basis in reality.
And I think that that is the major difference between drugs and delusional episodes. Delusional episodes are all about fiction. I don't know what happens with other hallucinogens, I am curious but I would be scared to actually try something for fear that it would mess me the fuck up. Like, I'm sure I would come down eventually, but it might take way longer to get back to normal than for most people.
But this is what I don't understand. People tell me, why does it matter? Why do you think about your delusions? They are delusions. Not true. Well so is Harry Potter, and Twilight, and Star Wars, and most television shows. I'm not saying my delusions are fictional masterpieces, but my point is, what's wrong with fiction? Fiction is cool. People like fiction.
It's kind of artistic in a way. That's how I look at things now. Like art.
But I'm sitting here down on Earth now, and I can see that the way I think when I am delusional, while not illogical, I believe things when I am delusional, everytime I am delusional, that would never ever be true. Like, I could never ever be the second coming of Christ. No one else would ever believe that, unless I started doing something like performing miracles, which I know would never happen.
I don't even want to be the second coming of Christ. I never did. Why did it keep coming back to that?
Friday, June 29, 2012
Listening to Your Gut
So I think I have mentioned before that I attend bible study. This is a bible study at my apartment complex, but I think I'm the only one who attends who actually lives there. These people are hardcore, conservative, fundamentalist Christians. I am quite different from them, but I attend every week, so that I can expose myself to different people, and so that I understand the bible better, as they usually point out things about it that I hadn't noticed reading it by myself, or mention the significance of things that I wouldn't have known otherwise.
Bible study occurs on Thursdays and it didn't happen last week. The week before that, something kind of weird happened. We start by eating, then we have prayer requests. I had been thinking before I got there that I was going to have them pray for a situation involving some of my friends. But then, as I was sitting there waiting for my turn, I suddenly felt this determination to ask them to pray for the publication of my book. I had previously thought that maybe I should do this, but I had decided against it, because I am very quiet in this setting and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. Also, I wasn't sure how they would feel about my book if they actually read it. I mean, on the one hand, it has a message to it and it's definitely a Christian message. On the other hand, I believed I was Jesus and that could be seen as blasphemous. On top of that, my delusions were clever but kind of dirty and sexual and strange. In my book I do a lot of "sinful" things. So I didn't want to have them pray for something they might not agree with, though I knew that I meant well and I didn't have any bad intentions and any power I might receive from having my book published I would use for the greater good. But I wasn't sure so I decided against it.
However, two weeks ago, I randomly felt this determination to just say it and get it out there. I had to wait along time for my turn, and I was slightly uncomfortable, but I was determined. So when it was my turn I asked them to pray about my book and I told them it was a memoir about bipolar disorder. This news that I had written a book was greeted very positively by them and everyone was really excited, which made me kind of uncomfortable but at the same time I felt a great amount of relief that I had said it. One of the women there who is like the main lady said she would ask God about it. Now this lady, and a lot of the people there, claim to talk to God, and they actually have God respond and stuff. I know to a lot of people this sounds like they are a bit crazy and they are a bit crazy but at the same time I think they really are tuned into something. I don't fully agree with what they believe in but I justify it in my own mind by thinking of the idea of "many paths to the same destination" when it comes to spirituality.
So I was waiting all week after that to see what the God told the lady about it, and I was disappointed when bible study was cancelled last week because I had to wait another week. So I came back to my apartment complex yesterday right before bible study and I was a little late like I always am and I noticed that there weren't enough cars in front of the main building to indicate that bible study was happening. I thought, "Oh no, God told her something bad about my book and now they are avoiding me!" Then I went up to the door and there was a sign that said bible study was moved this week to the park right by the complex. As I walked to the park I was nervous, both about what God told the lady and because I had gotten into some trouble at my volunteering which people at bible study are affiliated with due to a lapse in judgment on my part and I had to find a new volunteering place. Anyway, I walked to the park and found the bible study group and they were all eating, and they warmly welcomed me. I was sort of expecting the lady to tell me right off the bat what God told her but she didn't say anything.
So after awhile it's time for prayer requests, and this is when I find out the reason why I had been compelled to bring up my book at the last bible study. As it turns out, there had been a lady there, an older lady who was someone's relative who was visiting. She had schizophrenia, though she took meds and had it under control. Apparently for the first part of her visit, ever since Monday, she had been acting pretty down and in low spirits. When I mentioned I had written a book on mental illness, and she saw everyone's reaction and how they didn't see mental illness as something to be ashamed of, it made her feel much more comfortable and there was a big change in attitude after Thursday and she was in high spirits for the rest of her visit. So by mentioning it, I had helped her out. Everyone was really grateful to me for bringing it up.
I didn't tell them how I had felt strangely compelled to bring it up, but they did mention that the lord must have been working through me by having me do it. And I know they are right about that.
Bible study occurs on Thursdays and it didn't happen last week. The week before that, something kind of weird happened. We start by eating, then we have prayer requests. I had been thinking before I got there that I was going to have them pray for a situation involving some of my friends. But then, as I was sitting there waiting for my turn, I suddenly felt this determination to ask them to pray for the publication of my book. I had previously thought that maybe I should do this, but I had decided against it, because I am very quiet in this setting and I didn't want to draw too much attention to myself. Also, I wasn't sure how they would feel about my book if they actually read it. I mean, on the one hand, it has a message to it and it's definitely a Christian message. On the other hand, I believed I was Jesus and that could be seen as blasphemous. On top of that, my delusions were clever but kind of dirty and sexual and strange. In my book I do a lot of "sinful" things. So I didn't want to have them pray for something they might not agree with, though I knew that I meant well and I didn't have any bad intentions and any power I might receive from having my book published I would use for the greater good. But I wasn't sure so I decided against it.
However, two weeks ago, I randomly felt this determination to just say it and get it out there. I had to wait along time for my turn, and I was slightly uncomfortable, but I was determined. So when it was my turn I asked them to pray about my book and I told them it was a memoir about bipolar disorder. This news that I had written a book was greeted very positively by them and everyone was really excited, which made me kind of uncomfortable but at the same time I felt a great amount of relief that I had said it. One of the women there who is like the main lady said she would ask God about it. Now this lady, and a lot of the people there, claim to talk to God, and they actually have God respond and stuff. I know to a lot of people this sounds like they are a bit crazy and they are a bit crazy but at the same time I think they really are tuned into something. I don't fully agree with what they believe in but I justify it in my own mind by thinking of the idea of "many paths to the same destination" when it comes to spirituality.
So I was waiting all week after that to see what the God told the lady about it, and I was disappointed when bible study was cancelled last week because I had to wait another week. So I came back to my apartment complex yesterday right before bible study and I was a little late like I always am and I noticed that there weren't enough cars in front of the main building to indicate that bible study was happening. I thought, "Oh no, God told her something bad about my book and now they are avoiding me!" Then I went up to the door and there was a sign that said bible study was moved this week to the park right by the complex. As I walked to the park I was nervous, both about what God told the lady and because I had gotten into some trouble at my volunteering which people at bible study are affiliated with due to a lapse in judgment on my part and I had to find a new volunteering place. Anyway, I walked to the park and found the bible study group and they were all eating, and they warmly welcomed me. I was sort of expecting the lady to tell me right off the bat what God told her but she didn't say anything.
So after awhile it's time for prayer requests, and this is when I find out the reason why I had been compelled to bring up my book at the last bible study. As it turns out, there had been a lady there, an older lady who was someone's relative who was visiting. She had schizophrenia, though she took meds and had it under control. Apparently for the first part of her visit, ever since Monday, she had been acting pretty down and in low spirits. When I mentioned I had written a book on mental illness, and she saw everyone's reaction and how they didn't see mental illness as something to be ashamed of, it made her feel much more comfortable and there was a big change in attitude after Thursday and she was in high spirits for the rest of her visit. So by mentioning it, I had helped her out. Everyone was really grateful to me for bringing it up.
I didn't tell them how I had felt strangely compelled to bring it up, but they did mention that the lord must have been working through me by having me do it. And I know they are right about that.
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