I find myself torn apart with regret. But lately I've realized something: in a way, these things make me wiser. Because I can see common threads between my mistakes and the mistakes of other people, and I can forgive them for them much more easily.
For example, I know what it's like to beat yourself up over something: repeatedly, endlessly. Then, you feel that someone else is looking down upon you for the exact thing you beat yourself up over. It's the most maddening thing. I give myself enough shit because of this. I don't need it from other people. As a result, I don't hold things against people that I know they themselves deeply regret.
Another thing is, I know what it's like to have a lapse in judgment. People got mad at me for something I didn't even realize was wrong. It baffled me. Was it really that big of a deal? Apparently it was. As a result, I understand that other peoples' lapses in judgment don't necessarily mean they are bad people.
At the same time, as I'm thinking about this, I feel the hypocrisy in what I am saying. I know that hatred is always wrong, but at the same time I constantly struggle with feeling something akin to hatred toward a particular person. What it is is, I have reason to believe this person knew about my delusional issues, and as a result they removed me as a friend on facebook. For people who know about me and my issues, it's not the obvious person. I forgive the obvious person.
Actually, it might not be because of the delusions themselves, but rather some of the stuff I said when my judgment was severely off due to whatever the hell it was that was going on with my brain. At any rate, it's something related to my delusional issues. I feel very positive that it is, despite the fact that really I am ignorant because I don't really know exactly why they removed me. So I make assumptions. I assume it's something that would piss me off. And I get severely pissed off.
As a result, this person has become a symbol in my mind, the target of a great deal of the anger I feel about what has happened to me. The thing is, I can explain myself and my actions every step of the way. I know what it looks like and I know why it's not what it looks like. It's not that I don't think other people have better things to do than sit around and talk shit about me. Because really, I do. It's not that I just randomly make up stories about other people and convince myself that they are true. My own brain executed all this in an extremely elegant fashion and it deceived me. I had evidence, but it was based on the way certain things fit together, and I didn't think this kind of thing would happen just randomly. Ever since I moved off to college, I knew something extraordinary was going to happen during that year. There was a point where I became delusional on a subconscious level before it became conscious. I can remember thinking certain things at certain points that later were part of my delusions. I didn't realize I was thinking these things till later, but looking back I see how these thoughts affected my actions. And when I finally did become delusional, it became clear to me that this was an exercise in trusting myself, in believing in my experiences without having external proof.
I could say more but I don't want to get too far into my issues. I remember all the anguish and pain. This is a hot button issue with me. There is so much emotion attached to this issue, and by judging me without knowing a damn thing about it you really hit a nerve.
But maybe that's not even the reason. I've said stuff while I was delusional that I deeply regret saying. It was because my judgment was severely off. I don't understand why you would think I was thinking clearly. Wouldn't it be obvious that I wasn't? This is also a hot button issue, because it is something I don't forgive myself for. When you give yourself enough shit over something, you don't need it from other people.
So maybe I am ignorant. Maybe that's not the reason you removed me as a friend. But based on the evidence, it looks to me like that's the reason. When I first noticed that we were no longer friends, I wasn't pissed off. For a long time I just felt absolutely worthless. Then I realized that I wasn't worthless and I was angry at you for making me feel this way.
So this is why I hate you. For this I am deeply sorry. I'm not proud of the fact that I hate you, because being a hateful son of a bitch is nothing to be proud of. And in a way, the fact that I feel anything at all is a compliment. Because I don't hate people whom I've never respected, and I once respected you. But you really hit a nerve.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Monday, August 13, 2012
Striking Gold Without Picking Your Nose
So my mom tells me I should write fiction. She tells me my blog is just so great, and that when I was taken to the hospital for the first time, the guy who interviewed me about what I believed told her that I should be a fiction writer, because he was impressed by what I told him, despite the fact that it wasn't true.
I didn't know that the guy said this, my mom just told me this yesterday. But it made me very glad that other people appreciated the greatness of my delusions, and it was funny to think he said this even though at that time I hadn't even figured everything out yet so there were massive holes in the story.
The thing is, the time when I became delusional was the time I struck gold. I came up with an awesome story, although it is not without plot holes, I don't think any of them are massive enough that they couldn't be smoothed over and the story couldn't be made into a movie. But I was in quite a bit of a different state when I came up with this, I was the most fucked up on life at that point and I wasn't even on anything (unusual). I kind of think it wasn't even me who came up with this story, I was just somehow tapping into a higher source. All the loose ends tie together in the end, like they do in any good story. That's what fiction is about: coming up with a bunch of events that follow a pattern and create a bunch of loose ends that tie together in the end, in a way that leaves you with a feeling of victory and has some sort of lesson about life. My delusions have all that.
Most of the time, I'm not that great at writing fiction. Coming up with stories isn't my creative strength. My creative strength comes out when I program computer games, and I come up with ways to model real life phenomena amongst a colony of virtual bugs. It's freaking awesome. But when it comes to fictional stories, I'm not good at coming up with stuff that's original and not stupid.
So two years ago I was writing a fictional story based on my delusions, like how it could have been if my delusions were true. I decided it made the story stronger if the main character (who wasn't me) told stupid lies all the time. Don't ask. So I would have him say something strange, and I was cracking myself up with the stuff I came up with. Then afterwards, every time, the person whom he was talking to would say, "interesting." Every time. It was a little thing I had going.
But I got frustrated. I had a lot of dialogue, but in every scene it was people talking about their majors (because it took place in college). Sure college students talk about their majors, but they talk about other things too. What do I have them talk about? I don't know! Guys by themselves. What do guys by themselves talk about when there aren't any girls around? How am I supposed to know? Yet I am somehow supposed to make the dialogue sound realistic and true to life. In order to be any good at this, I would have to spend a great deal of time observing people and their dialogue in the real world.
As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm remembering a time when I was a freshman in high school and I wrote a story about a teenage girl going on a camping trip with her family that people liked. The thing that people liked about it was the voice of the girl, not the plot, the plot kind of sucked. For people who don't know voice in writing refers to when something is told from a certain person's perspective, the sense of personality of the person you get based on the way they talk and the stuff they say.
So anyway, maybe I should focus on middle grade fiction for girls.
I didn't know that the guy said this, my mom just told me this yesterday. But it made me very glad that other people appreciated the greatness of my delusions, and it was funny to think he said this even though at that time I hadn't even figured everything out yet so there were massive holes in the story.
The thing is, the time when I became delusional was the time I struck gold. I came up with an awesome story, although it is not without plot holes, I don't think any of them are massive enough that they couldn't be smoothed over and the story couldn't be made into a movie. But I was in quite a bit of a different state when I came up with this, I was the most fucked up on life at that point and I wasn't even on anything (unusual). I kind of think it wasn't even me who came up with this story, I was just somehow tapping into a higher source. All the loose ends tie together in the end, like they do in any good story. That's what fiction is about: coming up with a bunch of events that follow a pattern and create a bunch of loose ends that tie together in the end, in a way that leaves you with a feeling of victory and has some sort of lesson about life. My delusions have all that.
Most of the time, I'm not that great at writing fiction. Coming up with stories isn't my creative strength. My creative strength comes out when I program computer games, and I come up with ways to model real life phenomena amongst a colony of virtual bugs. It's freaking awesome. But when it comes to fictional stories, I'm not good at coming up with stuff that's original and not stupid.
So two years ago I was writing a fictional story based on my delusions, like how it could have been if my delusions were true. I decided it made the story stronger if the main character (who wasn't me) told stupid lies all the time. Don't ask. So I would have him say something strange, and I was cracking myself up with the stuff I came up with. Then afterwards, every time, the person whom he was talking to would say, "interesting." Every time. It was a little thing I had going.
But I got frustrated. I had a lot of dialogue, but in every scene it was people talking about their majors (because it took place in college). Sure college students talk about their majors, but they talk about other things too. What do I have them talk about? I don't know! Guys by themselves. What do guys by themselves talk about when there aren't any girls around? How am I supposed to know? Yet I am somehow supposed to make the dialogue sound realistic and true to life. In order to be any good at this, I would have to spend a great deal of time observing people and their dialogue in the real world.
As I'm sitting here thinking, I'm remembering a time when I was a freshman in high school and I wrote a story about a teenage girl going on a camping trip with her family that people liked. The thing that people liked about it was the voice of the girl, not the plot, the plot kind of sucked. For people who don't know voice in writing refers to when something is told from a certain person's perspective, the sense of personality of the person you get based on the way they talk and the stuff they say.
So anyway, maybe I should focus on middle grade fiction for girls.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Writer's Conference
So I went to the writer's conference starting last Friday and ending yesterday. I have to say that this was one of the most confidence-boosting experiences I've ever had. I'm left with the feeling that I put myself on the line, did something nerve-wracking and succeeded. I may not have a book deal just yet but I'm a step closer.
A week prior to last Saturday, I went to the pre-conference pitch workshop. I realized when I got there that I was going to have to do my pitch in front of the entire group. This scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I had prepared my pitch prior to this. The lady who ran the workshop talked about an adline for your book, which is like a one-line advertisement book you'd have on the front cover. I thought of one and then used the rest of the pitch I had practiced. I waited until the end to do mine, I was the second to last person to go. Sitting there waiting, I felt a deep respect for the other people there. It was the same way I feel in theater class, where I feel that the people around me are talented and I don't necessarily want to be seen as better than them, just as an equal. So I did my pitch, and I didn't know what other people thought. The lady who ran the workshop didn't really give me any advice on the pitch, just to change the title of my book. I didn't know what other people thought.
Well, at the actual conference I had at least three people from the workshop come up to me and tell me I had a good pitch. One guy gave me his card and told me he wanted to read my book, which is convenient because one of the literary agents I talked to told me to get feedback from other writers.
So I started on Friday by signing up for more pitches, so I had a total of 8, and then I went to the place where we could practice on people and get feedback. The first guy I practiced on really liked my pitch. He liked the pitch, he liked the book title, he just told me to get into it more when I was giving the pitch. I attended a workshop, had lunch, then went back for another practice pitch. This time I got a lady who didn't really get it. She got confused. Then I came back for another pitch, and that guy liked it. So the majority of people seemed to like it.
I was really nervous while I was waiting to go into my first real pitch with an agent. We were supposed to arrive 15 minutes prior to when we are scheduled to wait in the waiting area. I sat there, sucked on an Altoid to freshen my breath and listened to the sound of airplanes about to take off (the conference was at the Sheraton at the airport). There was something about the sound of airplanes taking off that gave it this building tension feeling, like you were about to do something very important. The time came, and I walked into the room, nervous as fuck but I tried to let my acting skills take over and act like I was just thrilled to be meeting with this literary agent.
She knew I was nervous. She expressed concern that this was the type of book that I would later just want to keep in my drawer and not get published. I know that's not the case. She did ask for the first 20 pages or 2 chapters. This raised my spirits. While I don't think this lady is going to end up being my literary agent, this improved my confidence that it wasn't as difficult as I thought to get agents to request materials and that there was no real need to be nervous. So for the rest of the conference, I approached each pitch with a little bit of nervousness but mostly like it was no big deal. This is why it was such a confidence boosting thing, because I knew what I was doing was something tough. Yet, it wasn't that hard, because I knew that I could go in there, smile and shake the agent's hand, act excited about my project and give a speech that did sound canned and practiced but that they didn't really care, and then confidently and articulately answer any questions the agents might have about the book.
So, every single agent expressed some sort of different concern about my book. No one was concerned about the same thing. I got two requests for the first twenty to thirty pages, one said I could send him the first few chapters but he suggested I revised first, one said I should find another memoir about delusions, read it, and tell her why mine was different/better, one requested a book proposal, and one requested my full manuscript. There were only two that didn't ask for anything at all.
One thing I wish that I had done was more networking and talking to people. Especially at the beginning, I spent time just sitting at the cafe and sipping on coffee. If I went to another conference, I would take business cards and give them out. But I did talk to people so I didn't do too bad. It made things easier that it was a writers conference because there was a built in subject of conversation to talk about, which was whatever project you were pitching, or if you're talking to a presenter what books they had written in the past and advise on trying to get published.
So, anyway, I recommend writer's conferences to all serious writers.
A week prior to last Saturday, I went to the pre-conference pitch workshop. I realized when I got there that I was going to have to do my pitch in front of the entire group. This scared the shit out of me. Luckily, I had prepared my pitch prior to this. The lady who ran the workshop talked about an adline for your book, which is like a one-line advertisement book you'd have on the front cover. I thought of one and then used the rest of the pitch I had practiced. I waited until the end to do mine, I was the second to last person to go. Sitting there waiting, I felt a deep respect for the other people there. It was the same way I feel in theater class, where I feel that the people around me are talented and I don't necessarily want to be seen as better than them, just as an equal. So I did my pitch, and I didn't know what other people thought. The lady who ran the workshop didn't really give me any advice on the pitch, just to change the title of my book. I didn't know what other people thought.
Well, at the actual conference I had at least three people from the workshop come up to me and tell me I had a good pitch. One guy gave me his card and told me he wanted to read my book, which is convenient because one of the literary agents I talked to told me to get feedback from other writers.
So I started on Friday by signing up for more pitches, so I had a total of 8, and then I went to the place where we could practice on people and get feedback. The first guy I practiced on really liked my pitch. He liked the pitch, he liked the book title, he just told me to get into it more when I was giving the pitch. I attended a workshop, had lunch, then went back for another practice pitch. This time I got a lady who didn't really get it. She got confused. Then I came back for another pitch, and that guy liked it. So the majority of people seemed to like it.
I was really nervous while I was waiting to go into my first real pitch with an agent. We were supposed to arrive 15 minutes prior to when we are scheduled to wait in the waiting area. I sat there, sucked on an Altoid to freshen my breath and listened to the sound of airplanes about to take off (the conference was at the Sheraton at the airport). There was something about the sound of airplanes taking off that gave it this building tension feeling, like you were about to do something very important. The time came, and I walked into the room, nervous as fuck but I tried to let my acting skills take over and act like I was just thrilled to be meeting with this literary agent.
She knew I was nervous. She expressed concern that this was the type of book that I would later just want to keep in my drawer and not get published. I know that's not the case. She did ask for the first 20 pages or 2 chapters. This raised my spirits. While I don't think this lady is going to end up being my literary agent, this improved my confidence that it wasn't as difficult as I thought to get agents to request materials and that there was no real need to be nervous. So for the rest of the conference, I approached each pitch with a little bit of nervousness but mostly like it was no big deal. This is why it was such a confidence boosting thing, because I knew what I was doing was something tough. Yet, it wasn't that hard, because I knew that I could go in there, smile and shake the agent's hand, act excited about my project and give a speech that did sound canned and practiced but that they didn't really care, and then confidently and articulately answer any questions the agents might have about the book.
So, every single agent expressed some sort of different concern about my book. No one was concerned about the same thing. I got two requests for the first twenty to thirty pages, one said I could send him the first few chapters but he suggested I revised first, one said I should find another memoir about delusions, read it, and tell her why mine was different/better, one requested a book proposal, and one requested my full manuscript. There were only two that didn't ask for anything at all.
One thing I wish that I had done was more networking and talking to people. Especially at the beginning, I spent time just sitting at the cafe and sipping on coffee. If I went to another conference, I would take business cards and give them out. But I did talk to people so I didn't do too bad. It made things easier that it was a writers conference because there was a built in subject of conversation to talk about, which was whatever project you were pitching, or if you're talking to a presenter what books they had written in the past and advise on trying to get published.
So, anyway, I recommend writer's conferences to all serious writers.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Junky Baseless Claims
So I wanted to talk about something I think is stupid. It's this movie "What the bleep do we know?" and its junky "science."
Now, this movie covers a bunch of different topics. It talks about neurons and psychology, and quantum mechanics, and that theory about water where emotions change its molecular structure. Actually, I think I may have mentioned the water theory on here before. I think I mentioned my dad judges science fairs, and at them there is always someone who attempts to demonstrate this water theory by doing something like putting happy pictures and unhappy pictures by water, and then looking at them through a microscope and claiming they are different, but in reality my dad says they always look the same. One of the staff at Innercept told me you have to freeze the water to see the difference. Anyway, I don't know.
That's not the point of this post though. The claim that I think is ridiculous and groundless is the claim that when the Europeans first came to America, the Native Americans couldn't see the ships.
Do they have any proof of this? No. I was just reading about it and it's this idea that came from science fiction in the 1930's. So now these movie makers are claiming it's a fact, and putting into this movie to blow the minds of the gullible.
Supposedly, the reason they wouldn't be able to see the ships was because they had never seen anything like them before. So apparently you have to have seen something previously in order to be able to see it. That means that when we were born, we were completely blind. Or, maybe it's just to technology. So when we were babies and we were taken home from the hospital, we wouldn't have been able to see the TV, or the remote control, or the refrigerator. There were a lot of blank, empty spaces in the house, full of things we simply couldn't perceive because we had never perceived them previously.
I can remember two times in my life when I saw something that made it hard for my brain to register what I was seeing. One time was when I was in Switzerland when I was 13. There was a mountain partially covered by snow with the white sky as a backdrop. It was kind of freaking weird, because at first glance it looked like there was just a bunch of black/brown stuff smeared across part of the sky. I stared for a couple seconds, then I realized that the mountain and the sky were separate.
The other time was when I smoked DMT. I was at someone's house that was unfamiliar to me, and I was staring at something that was really funny looking and took my brain a second to register what I was seeing. It turned out to be a vase with peacock feather in it with a fan blowing on it.
So, these experiences can teach us that when you see something that doesn't make sense to you, your brain doesn't just edit them out, but you tend to stare at them for a little while to make better sense of them. Why would your brain edit them out? What is this movie's basis for making this claim? I don't think it has any basis. It's just a junky, baseless claim.
Now, this movie covers a bunch of different topics. It talks about neurons and psychology, and quantum mechanics, and that theory about water where emotions change its molecular structure. Actually, I think I may have mentioned the water theory on here before. I think I mentioned my dad judges science fairs, and at them there is always someone who attempts to demonstrate this water theory by doing something like putting happy pictures and unhappy pictures by water, and then looking at them through a microscope and claiming they are different, but in reality my dad says they always look the same. One of the staff at Innercept told me you have to freeze the water to see the difference. Anyway, I don't know.
That's not the point of this post though. The claim that I think is ridiculous and groundless is the claim that when the Europeans first came to America, the Native Americans couldn't see the ships.
Do they have any proof of this? No. I was just reading about it and it's this idea that came from science fiction in the 1930's. So now these movie makers are claiming it's a fact, and putting into this movie to blow the minds of the gullible.
Supposedly, the reason they wouldn't be able to see the ships was because they had never seen anything like them before. So apparently you have to have seen something previously in order to be able to see it. That means that when we were born, we were completely blind. Or, maybe it's just to technology. So when we were babies and we were taken home from the hospital, we wouldn't have been able to see the TV, or the remote control, or the refrigerator. There were a lot of blank, empty spaces in the house, full of things we simply couldn't perceive because we had never perceived them previously.
I can remember two times in my life when I saw something that made it hard for my brain to register what I was seeing. One time was when I was in Switzerland when I was 13. There was a mountain partially covered by snow with the white sky as a backdrop. It was kind of freaking weird, because at first glance it looked like there was just a bunch of black/brown stuff smeared across part of the sky. I stared for a couple seconds, then I realized that the mountain and the sky were separate.
The other time was when I smoked DMT. I was at someone's house that was unfamiliar to me, and I was staring at something that was really funny looking and took my brain a second to register what I was seeing. It turned out to be a vase with peacock feather in it with a fan blowing on it.
So, these experiences can teach us that when you see something that doesn't make sense to you, your brain doesn't just edit them out, but you tend to stare at them for a little while to make better sense of them. Why would your brain edit them out? What is this movie's basis for making this claim? I don't think it has any basis. It's just a junky, baseless claim.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Upcoming Writer's Conference
The psychic at the holistic fair told me I should go to writer's conferences (actually, she said I should meet the literary agents in person, which means writer's conferences). I don't think I've mentioned it on here, but I was looking up writer's conferences and I found that there was one, IN PORTLAND, during a time I was already going to come home, August 3-5. How convenient!
So I wrote out my pitch and practiced it, both in my head and out loud, both in the living room and in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I did it in the bathroom so I could watch my expressions and connect with my little spiel to see what I should emphasize, what gestures I should make, etc. I wondered what the neighbors thought of me talking to myself about being the second coming of Christ.
My dad suggested I get an idea of the scope of the audience for my book is. I mentioned that you are supposed to assume 1% of the target audience will buy a copy. He said everyone who is bipolar, plus five to include people close to them.
I actually don't think that is the audience. I think the audience is people between the ages of 16 and 35, with people who have actually been delusional showing more interest. So, maybe people between those ages plus older people who have been delusional. When I saw the psychic, she mentioned I had written a children's book. I'm like, "No..." She said, "I meant, a book for younger people, not children." I can actually kind of see that, as the people who I have given my book to who have been younger have seemed to enjoy it more. By younger I mean late teens and twenties. The psychic said it would be popular amongst young people, and popularize some of the things I believe in amongst young people. By the things I believe in, I think she meant like spirits, tarot cards, and past lives.
So I've mentioned I revised the part where I explain my delusions. I think I mentioned that if I get people to understand my delusions, it takes it from being a pretty good memoir to something that is really memorable, because this story that I imagined happened is powerful. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago. I was really picturing this story in my head, and I realized that if it were a movie it's the kind of thing where people would be crying in the movie theater. People cry pretty easily during movies.
Anyway, so I printed my book off, thinking I would give it to someone to read. I used the equivalent of an entire package of paper, because I forgot that the last time I printed it off with my dad we used a two-sided printer, so it was twice as thick as last time. I divided it into two sections, three-whole-punched the first section one or two pages at a time and put it in a binder. I haven't done the second section yet. I realized I don't know who to give it to.
Actually, I have an idea of someone to give it to. It's this other guy who's in the program, in aftercare like me, who I see often. He believed he was the messiah at one time too. For some reason, I think that he would really appreciate my book, more than other people would. So I wanted to give it to him, even though I don't know him very well. I keep thinking I'm going to ask him to read it but every time I'm around him I don't. I was at school, talking to the staff who does study sessions when he came up and asked me if I had an off switch. He didn't mean it to be mean, I don't think. I think he just meant I was full of spunk. I don't really know what he meant. I told him my off switch gets flipped when I take Klonopin at night. Then he went to class. And I didn't ask him.
So I wrote out my pitch and practiced it, both in my head and out loud, both in the living room and in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I did it in the bathroom so I could watch my expressions and connect with my little spiel to see what I should emphasize, what gestures I should make, etc. I wondered what the neighbors thought of me talking to myself about being the second coming of Christ.
My dad suggested I get an idea of the scope of the audience for my book is. I mentioned that you are supposed to assume 1% of the target audience will buy a copy. He said everyone who is bipolar, plus five to include people close to them.
I actually don't think that is the audience. I think the audience is people between the ages of 16 and 35, with people who have actually been delusional showing more interest. So, maybe people between those ages plus older people who have been delusional. When I saw the psychic, she mentioned I had written a children's book. I'm like, "No..." She said, "I meant, a book for younger people, not children." I can actually kind of see that, as the people who I have given my book to who have been younger have seemed to enjoy it more. By younger I mean late teens and twenties. The psychic said it would be popular amongst young people, and popularize some of the things I believe in amongst young people. By the things I believe in, I think she meant like spirits, tarot cards, and past lives.
So I've mentioned I revised the part where I explain my delusions. I think I mentioned that if I get people to understand my delusions, it takes it from being a pretty good memoir to something that is really memorable, because this story that I imagined happened is powerful. I was thinking about this a few weeks ago. I was really picturing this story in my head, and I realized that if it were a movie it's the kind of thing where people would be crying in the movie theater. People cry pretty easily during movies.
Anyway, so I printed my book off, thinking I would give it to someone to read. I used the equivalent of an entire package of paper, because I forgot that the last time I printed it off with my dad we used a two-sided printer, so it was twice as thick as last time. I divided it into two sections, three-whole-punched the first section one or two pages at a time and put it in a binder. I haven't done the second section yet. I realized I don't know who to give it to.
Actually, I have an idea of someone to give it to. It's this other guy who's in the program, in aftercare like me, who I see often. He believed he was the messiah at one time too. For some reason, I think that he would really appreciate my book, more than other people would. So I wanted to give it to him, even though I don't know him very well. I keep thinking I'm going to ask him to read it but every time I'm around him I don't. I was at school, talking to the staff who does study sessions when he came up and asked me if I had an off switch. He didn't mean it to be mean, I don't think. I think he just meant I was full of spunk. I don't really know what he meant. I told him my off switch gets flipped when I take Klonopin at night. Then he went to class. And I didn't ask him.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
The Akashic Records
So my urge to be spiritual has been waning a bit. I feel it being replaced by this urge to work on getting published, which right now means preparing for the writers conference. I mentioned that I revised the place in my book where I describe my delusions. I realized that there was no way before that the reader was going to understand based on the way I explained them and I was expecting way too much out of the reader. I feel like if I get people to picture these delusional events in their heads like I picture them in mine, that's my ticket to freedom. Because that's what makes my book stand out. I imagine it like it's a movie. The weakness of the movie is that the climax is basically a guy looking at words on a computer screen, which isn't really action packed, but the power of it is the meaning behind the words.
But anyway, I was back on the spiritual message board that I've been on. Enough time had passed that I could request another psychic reading, so that's what I did. There is a person on the board who does Akashic Records readings. Basically, the Akashic Records are records of each soul who has lived on Earth and their lifetimes, everything that's ever happened to them, every thought, action, etc. is recorded in the Akashic Records, according to people who are apparently experts on them. Apparently, something like the Akashic Records is referenced in most religions, in Christianity/Judaism it is the Book of Life. I asked for a reading, I asked to know a little about my past lives, plus I asked for some sort of direction in this life, like what I was meant to accomplish or what career was right for me.
The reader had me forward my full name to her in a private message. Then she forgot several times about the reading. Finally, a few days ago I got my reading. So apparently, the "Recordkeepers" don't want me to know about my past lives. She just said I did a very good job and completed them admirably. She said that perhaps in this lifetime I have learned patience with people, like forgetful little old ladies. But I haven't been paying enough attention to the wisdom that can be gained from talking to the elderly. She said I should put myself in situations, like a volunteering situation, that involves the young/old at least once a week, and once I do so I will begin to grow and have more ability to connect with the Spiritual Guides/angels/loved ones. I would imagine by loved ones she meant those who have passed. She said I couldn't continue on this current path for much longer, whatever that meant.
So, there is nothing in this particular reading that proves to me that she is really psychic. I sort of lean towards believing her. At any rate, this isn't bad advice, and regardless of whether or not it really came from some higher source it wouldn't be bad to follow it. I asked a follow up question, I asked what she meant by young, like young as in my age, or young as in children. She responded and said she felt around the ages of 4-6, and what she had heard during the reading was "out of the mouths of babes." I googled this phrase to see what it meant and it's an expression used when someone really young says something that exhibits wisdom beyond their years.
I don't know if I've mentioned on here but I used to volunteer with the elderly but had to volunteer somewhere else. So, yesterday I was at the Human Right Education Institute, gluing together parking permits and cropping pictures of food from different countries and the descriptions of the eating habits of these different countries and pasting them on pieces of construction paper. Apparently one of the United State's favorite foods is sesame chicken. News to me. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more valuable I could be doing with my time. I thought about asking the lady if I could volunteer with children, but I decided against it.
Maybe I'll ask next time.
But anyway, I was back on the spiritual message board that I've been on. Enough time had passed that I could request another psychic reading, so that's what I did. There is a person on the board who does Akashic Records readings. Basically, the Akashic Records are records of each soul who has lived on Earth and their lifetimes, everything that's ever happened to them, every thought, action, etc. is recorded in the Akashic Records, according to people who are apparently experts on them. Apparently, something like the Akashic Records is referenced in most religions, in Christianity/Judaism it is the Book of Life. I asked for a reading, I asked to know a little about my past lives, plus I asked for some sort of direction in this life, like what I was meant to accomplish or what career was right for me.
The reader had me forward my full name to her in a private message. Then she forgot several times about the reading. Finally, a few days ago I got my reading. So apparently, the "Recordkeepers" don't want me to know about my past lives. She just said I did a very good job and completed them admirably. She said that perhaps in this lifetime I have learned patience with people, like forgetful little old ladies. But I haven't been paying enough attention to the wisdom that can be gained from talking to the elderly. She said I should put myself in situations, like a volunteering situation, that involves the young/old at least once a week, and once I do so I will begin to grow and have more ability to connect with the Spiritual Guides/angels/loved ones. I would imagine by loved ones she meant those who have passed. She said I couldn't continue on this current path for much longer, whatever that meant.
So, there is nothing in this particular reading that proves to me that she is really psychic. I sort of lean towards believing her. At any rate, this isn't bad advice, and regardless of whether or not it really came from some higher source it wouldn't be bad to follow it. I asked a follow up question, I asked what she meant by young, like young as in my age, or young as in children. She responded and said she felt around the ages of 4-6, and what she had heard during the reading was "out of the mouths of babes." I googled this phrase to see what it meant and it's an expression used when someone really young says something that exhibits wisdom beyond their years.
I don't know if I've mentioned on here but I used to volunteer with the elderly but had to volunteer somewhere else. So, yesterday I was at the Human Right Education Institute, gluing together parking permits and cropping pictures of food from different countries and the descriptions of the eating habits of these different countries and pasting them on pieces of construction paper. Apparently one of the United State's favorite foods is sesame chicken. News to me. Anyway, I couldn't help but wonder if there was something more valuable I could be doing with my time. I thought about asking the lady if I could volunteer with children, but I decided against it.
Maybe I'll ask next time.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
The Culture War
So, I was saying earlier that for some reason I have this deep interest in Christianity in the United States. The thing that interests me is this idea of the culture war.
To some people on the right it seems, the culture war is a fight between the righteous on the right and the lecherous heathens on the left. The left wants to pollute are media with profanity and pornography. I haven't read about the idea of the culture war extensively, but I have heard people on the right say things along these lines.
The thing is, this isn't true at all. I'm on the left and I think a lot of the stuff the media puts out is distasteful. Like rap lyrics most of the time are overly materialistic and sex-oriented, in a way that can be demeaning. It doesn't offend me personally because I'm not that easily offended, but like I said I find it distasteful. I find pornography distasteful. It's not so much the images themselves that are distasteful, because like a lot of people would argue sex is natural and human and good, but it's the way that they talk about women on porn sites. Yes, I've looked at a lot of porn sites. Not recently, and not because it actually turned me on but just to see what was out there. It's not the nudity or sex that's bad, it's the attitude.
Yet, the reason I'm not opposed to these things is because it's about freedom. People can say or do what they want. Porn stars are adults who agree to take part in these activities. True, some of these messages can be damaging to children, but it's the parent's job to raise the kid, we shouldn't have to make everything in the media "kid friendly." People on the right say they are for freedom, but they are always trying to legislate their own brand of "morality."
In order for the left to be effective though, they have to distance themselves from this notion that they are heathens. My sister's roommate is a strip club DJ. Strip clubs - talk about distasteful. They have started this thing where they have pageants, among others there is the "Vagina Beauty Pageant." So my sister and her roommate drive around in this car advertising the Vagina Beauty Pageant (which says Vagina Beauty Pageant in big letters on the back), and my sister videotapes peoples' reactions to it through the tinted window. I admit that it is funny to see people get all shocked over seeing the word "vagina" on the back of an automobile, but it doesn't really help people on the left in the scheme of things. Imagine the right wing people, seeing this and shaking their fists: "Those dirty heathenistic liberals and their vagina beauty pageants!" They get angry. It fuels their fire.
I might revisit this topic again later.
To some people on the right it seems, the culture war is a fight between the righteous on the right and the lecherous heathens on the left. The left wants to pollute are media with profanity and pornography. I haven't read about the idea of the culture war extensively, but I have heard people on the right say things along these lines.
The thing is, this isn't true at all. I'm on the left and I think a lot of the stuff the media puts out is distasteful. Like rap lyrics most of the time are overly materialistic and sex-oriented, in a way that can be demeaning. It doesn't offend me personally because I'm not that easily offended, but like I said I find it distasteful. I find pornography distasteful. It's not so much the images themselves that are distasteful, because like a lot of people would argue sex is natural and human and good, but it's the way that they talk about women on porn sites. Yes, I've looked at a lot of porn sites. Not recently, and not because it actually turned me on but just to see what was out there. It's not the nudity or sex that's bad, it's the attitude.
Yet, the reason I'm not opposed to these things is because it's about freedom. People can say or do what they want. Porn stars are adults who agree to take part in these activities. True, some of these messages can be damaging to children, but it's the parent's job to raise the kid, we shouldn't have to make everything in the media "kid friendly." People on the right say they are for freedom, but they are always trying to legislate their own brand of "morality."
In order for the left to be effective though, they have to distance themselves from this notion that they are heathens. My sister's roommate is a strip club DJ. Strip clubs - talk about distasteful. They have started this thing where they have pageants, among others there is the "Vagina Beauty Pageant." So my sister and her roommate drive around in this car advertising the Vagina Beauty Pageant (which says Vagina Beauty Pageant in big letters on the back), and my sister videotapes peoples' reactions to it through the tinted window. I admit that it is funny to see people get all shocked over seeing the word "vagina" on the back of an automobile, but it doesn't really help people on the left in the scheme of things. Imagine the right wing people, seeing this and shaking their fists: "Those dirty heathenistic liberals and their vagina beauty pageants!" They get angry. It fuels their fire.
I might revisit this topic again later.
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