Bacon: Did it eat you, or are you done with your mind work today?

What is this idea you speak of? Wizards? Hogwash! Wizards exist only in fiction! But what if they did not? Would you know a wizard from a muggle? Or would the muggle pretend to be a wizard, and catch your ear socket? Please, I know wizards.

When you enjoy wizards, you pretend you don't exist in this present moment. When wizards enter your heart, you believe little about the present, and instead, exist with the wizards. When wizards become like you, you lose touch with reality, and bring hope to the human race.

When wizards eat bacon, they do not exist in this present moment. They think, oh, this bacon tastes good, wow, where did this come from? Now, muggle s. Damn autocorrect. When muggle s eat wizard food, they bring hope to the human race. What is wizard food? Rice crackers. That's what wizards eat from time to time, to create spells of ricey atmosphere in their minds. Which is conducive to spell work.

When you eat rice crackers, you do exist in the present moment, because they taste so bad. When normal people eat bacon, they do not like to think that they exist in the present moment, because it tastes so good. When normal people eat bacon, they think it tastes like heaven. But for some, they think it is good at stopping their minds from hell. Because bacon creates havoc for the minds mad center, and instead, makes them love words.

Instead of helping yourself to some more bacon, eat rice crackers. They love to be eaten by friends of the wizarding community. When you eat rice crackers, they will create mind food for the brain to eat fondly, and create nice neurotransmitters that help your body do its magic. Sometimes, when wizards eat bacon, they forget to stop chewing, because they forget what they are doing. This is because wizards enjoy bacon on a whole different level. When bacon is consumed by bacon lovers, they enjoy it so much, they eat it too often and the dopamine becomes resistant to the dopamine receptors. When you eat bacon, chew very softly, swallow completely, and forget where you are. This is bacon, not Hogwarts.

Away from the Cage

What is this place I call, "Home"? Is it a prison cell? Is it helping my monetary growth? No, this is a prison cell. I hate this place. I am moving out.

I think it would be beneficial to my well-being not to live at home with my parents. It is making me really, really, really, really depressed. I hate this house so much. I hate living in a cage. I hate the environment. Please, for the love of Jebus, just let me live where I can find a place with Sarah.

I would have a better time if I were not here in Lake Oswego, if I were around people my own age, my own wavelength, instead of my parents all the time. Please, I am 28, let me live! Let me go! I am out of here if I can stand to part with this place, and these people, who say they love me....

I am out of here. Where are my love of life friends? They exist, but they do not know where I am, because they have not been here ever before...

Where does my life take me? Will my parents let me leave? Or are they going to continue to cage me? When will I be able to live my own life? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why....?

There you go. That is not it. I enjoy things without parental approval, but they have a guardianship, which means they can control me...

No!!!!!!! Not the guardianship!!!!!

Life Without Adderall

So, I have gone off the death drug Adderall.

I would have never made this decision by myself. I would have wanted to, but never would have, due to the horrible soul sucking boredom I feel when I am off it. Not so with the energy rebalancing. My guides told me, you will go off it permanently, we will rebalance your energy, and you will be good as new!!

Well, not quite. You have to wait for dopamine, and other neurotransmitter production to start back off. And then, you have to wait for dopamine receptor production to start back up.

So, at first, I thought it was easy. Because I had been off it for awhile, without the energy rebalancing, hoping to go back on it. And then, they rebalanced the energy, and reduced my energy to a nub for awhile, and then it built back up, and I felt good again without the drug! Wow!

But kicking drug addictions is never easy, and Adderall is a particularly tricky one. I have beat other drug addictions, like Ativan (only). Ativan was pretty easy, you just had to get through the withdrawal effects. I wasn't addicted to ativan though, I was dependent on it. It wasn't a big deal.

I feel like I am not slipping, but thoughts of slipping keep entering my mind. Like, wow, wouldn't it be so much easier to work on my book if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't I be so much happier if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't the weight just come falling off if I were back on Adderall?

And I think of all the ways my life would be better, back on Adderall... But I know what would happen. It would be better, maybe not really, but only temporarily. And then, the dopamine would start shutting off in my brain again.

It is starting back up. We are making tremendous progress with that. I have stopped my incessant twitching, the exclaiming of "spirits!" when I get stressed out and embarrassed about dumb things. I have made tremendous, tremendous progress. It is getting easier. But as I start doing better, I start wondering, "Wow, what would life be like back on that shit?" Because I know that now that I have been off it awhile, and the dopamine is starting back on... I know it would feel really good to take it again, seeings as I would have lost my tolerance to it, and it would be like heavenly wonderfulness to take that shit again, and feel euphoric and happy and giddy and talking to myself in my mind about wonderful things, and happy and giddy, over and over again, in and out, in and out, in and out and in...

But I can't do that. It's not even that good, man. It's fake. It's not real. It's not real! Plus, the real good reason not to is, energy rebalancing is tricky. My spirit guides intended this as a permanent solution to the Adderall problem. If I waltz back into the doctors, get another prescription, take it for a couple years, have issues again, they aren't going to say, hey, Rachel, no biggie, we will just do energy rebalancing again. It is a tricky procedure, they are not going to do it again unless it's an honest mistake, like someone slips me some Adderall. That's what they said.

So I have to remember, Rachel, you are done with that shit. It's over between you and Adderall. No more, baby, no more. You have to lose weight without the aid of Adderall. You have to concentrate without the aid of Adderall. You have to be happy and go about your daily life without the aid of Adderall.

So I hate it. I just keep thinking, what if, man, what if... What if I were taking that shit again. And each time, I have to slap myself, and say, "NO!!!" "NO!!!" NO!!!!!!!

Coconut Water

Why do I drink coconut water? It is not for the delusional health benefits. It is not for the delusional taste beauty. It is because it helps my body feel better.

Another thing. My body works much better on coconut water. Milk has the same nutrient, but in much smaller, minuscular quantities. So, to get the same benefits as one glass coco water, I have to drink three to six glasses of milk, depending. This adds up to hormonal imbalances, because of the milk hormones, and added extra poundage! What? You still care about that Rachel? Yeah, Beev, I care about my weight. The reason I told you, "Don't worry about it..." when I was eating food, and you told me to watch my weight, was because I was famished beyond recognition!! FAMISHED, BEEV, FAMISHED!!! I needed calories stat!! I know you don't think it is possible for a body to need that much fuel, but when you're me... it happens. Let's just leave it at that.

Another thing about my food intake. They are not delusional nutritional necessities. If I don't eat watermelon, radishes, cranberry juice, beef, zucchini, arugula, romaine lettuce, bananas.... I get really down and low in energy!! I need the nutritional benefits of these foods!! I know you think, oh, food is just for energy... But I need it for other reasons too!! So don't tell me, Oh Rachel, you could just eat some of this french fries and ice cream and you will feel just fine... No one really understands why we need to eat well, it just makes us better people for no reason at all... HORSE SHIT, BEEV!! HORSE SHIT!!!

One more thing. I need more vitamins. Not C, I get too much of that!! WOAH!!! C OVERLOAD!!! Another one I need, B vitamins!!! YES!!! Another one I need. Magnesium!!! I AM VERY DEFICIENT RIGHT NOW RACHEL!!!! Another thing I need, something found in cherries!!! That is all.

Spirit Humor

Spirit humor. Spirit humor is the willful exaggeration of a known fun idea. At least, that is how the spirits define it. They do not understand why things are funny, but they are. You think about humor too much, analyze it, it is mean to the spirits, because they do not understand why you are reading your mother's diary of worry. Ba doom cha!

The reason this is funny, is because my mom is going to read this, and worry. That's not it.

I was watching the movie The Giver. There was a part at the beginning that was funny. Where the main character, who could only see black and white, could suddenly see the color in his gal pal's hair. I started laughing, and my mom shushed me, because this wasn't a funny part. But the reason it was funny was, the classic idea of when a man is interested in a woman, and how he sees things about her in vivid, wondrous detail, like the color of her hair. It is an idea that doesn't exist as much as they try to pretend like it does, but it means it is true that women are pretty. That is it.

Another joke that is spirit humor is in the Hunger Games. When Katniss and Peeta are in a compromised position, in the arena, and they kiss, and then it is broadcasted to where Gale is watching. This was a funny as fuck moment, because they are not really in love, they are just pretending, but only the two of them know that, and they are instead told they are not the ones who are in love, the capital is in love with the idea of love, and the two of them riot and change the world.

When I am talking to my spirit guides, through out the day... it is this little running joke to say, after every situation, "that was spirit humor." Something about that is, a good portion of the time, it actually is, but usually is not. So I have to ask, was that spirit humor? Usually, I know it isn't. Sometimes, it is. Sometimes, it is spirit sarcasm. Sometimes, it is spirit wisdom. Other times, it is spirit wit.

Sometimes I imagine funny situations in my head. The other day, my dad was going to give me my meds. I told him he could place them in the bathroom, and I would take them when I got the chance. In my mind, I imagined him going in the bathroom and placing them directly in the trash can. Because that is where they were going to end up. Not because I would actually put them there, I would have taken them, but because that's where he expected I would have placed them had he let me take them by myself. Spirit humor, baby, spirit humor.

My book has lots, lots, lots and lots, of spirit humor.

Mourning the Death of the Normal, Boring Rachel

So, I am done with the bullshit Zuhl household. They say, "Ra-chel!" (really whiny voice). "You still have symp-toms!" Really whiny voice.

And I say, mother dear, what are my symptomes? And she says, the talking, talking, talking to yourself! We need a med change! MED CHANGE!!!

Well here's news for you, Beevely Bee. I am not about to stop talking to myself. Talking to myself is both how I channel, and integrate my mind thoughts together with one another. Without the incessant chatter, I would be completely subdued to the point where I would not be able to act. So, if that's what you want... go right ahead. If we are so fucking fixated on, "normal..." What the fuck is normal? Do you love me, Beev? Do you want me to be happy? If you did, you would just understand that the incessant chatter is a part of life.

Drugs ain't gonna fix that, baby. The only drugs that will fix that are ones that decrease IQ to the double digits. Is that what you want, Beev? To mold your daughter into what you want her to be? To unkink the kinks? JUST GET USED TO IT!!!

I'm done with this. I'm not going to stop talking to my spirit guides. No, when I talk, I am not talking TO THEM!!! I AM TALKING TO MYSELF SO I KNOW WHAT THEY ARE SAYING!!!! There we go. There we go. There we go!

I am done with this household. It is never going back to the way it was before, Beev. So why don't you go out into your garden, and cry. Cry, cry, cry. Cry about the death of your only daughter, Rachel. The mental death. Cry about how your daughter, and your life, will never be the same. Cry, cry, cry about how Innercept failed you, didn't do what you wanted, instead, made your daughter a hooligan. Cry, my dear, "loving" mother, cry. She is gone. Your daughter is gone.

Another thing is, she is not gone!! I am here! I am fine! I talk to myself! GET USED TO IT!! Stop tampering with my brain!!!! STOP TAMPERING WITH MY BRAIN!!! It is sick and tired of you trying to force chemical hooliganisms it does not need!! You don't know shit!! The doc knows nothing!!! Winkleman knows nothing also!! No one does!!!

I NEED DOPAMINE DAMMIT!! STOP TRYING TO SUPPRESS THE DOPAMINE!!!

Wonky Romance Cords: A NOTE OF SERIOUS CAUTION

So, I am going to take the time to discuss... WONKY ROMANCE CORDS!!!!

This is a very serious, horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE topic!!! No one should have to deal with wonky romance cords!!!

First off, I know all about energy cords. There are certain, unscrupulous people, who send people who they have romantic feelings for, energy cords.

First off, let's discuss energy cords. Most emotional relationships between people, involve energy cords. Energy cords do not exist on the physical realm, but on the spiritual plane, or something like it. When you are born, you have a horrible emotional cord attached to your mom. Soon after birth, you attach a very similar, usually a little bit less intense one to your dad.

When you meet a girl or guy, and you decide you like them... you attach a crush cord. When you get a little bit better acquainted, and you have romantic feelings, you might both agree, on a deep, deep subconscious level, to attach an adult relationship cord.

But sometimes, something horrible happens. Certain unscrupulous people will send people, who they are usually romantically interested in a serious way, wonky romance cords, or joke cords, as my guides call them. Not necessarily though. Some people send out wonky romance cords every which way.

Most people, when faced on the receiving end of a wonky romance cord, do not attach. No way, jose. Certain people do though. People like me. And others. Not usually lonely people, but people who are interested very, very highly in the opposite sex, and the person who is sending the cord.

This is a horrible, horrible topic. Wonky romance cords create feelings of intense, intense longing for the person. THEY DO NOT GO AWAY EASILY!!! You have to redirect the energy elsewhere, which is difficult as all fuck if your feelings are strong. Usually when you have a wonky romance cord, you attach lots of strong crush cords along with the wonky romance cord.

Not all wonky romance cords are the same. I will tell you about my experiences with these types of cords. I have had two separate guys, who I liked a lot, attach the same sort of wonky romance cords to me.

This cord was a cord to make me care about this man's opinion, or something like it, only. WHAT A HORRIBLE CORD!!!! THIS CORD WORKS!!!!

So what it was like was, I thought this guy hated me. And he was the only person in the entire world whose opinion I cared about. This was my life at Innercept, baby. This lead me to intense suicidal feelings, as I thought this one person, who was the only person in the world whose opinion I cared about, hated me. MY ENTIRE, ENTIRE, ENTIRE SELF WORTH DEPENDED ON THIS PERSON'S OPINION!!!

AAHHHHH!!!!

Shortly after I came home, I liked another guy, and my spirit guides did their best to cut the first cord to the first guy.

THIS NEW GUY ATTACHED THE SAME CORD TO ME!!!!! WHY?!?!?!?!

So, this wasn't as horrible as the first situation... this guy, I thought actually liked me. Still, it was horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible.

Recently, I cut this cord. Over and over and over and over again. Because he attached it over and over and over and over again!! I had that cord a bazillion times!!! At night, I would lie awake, or half awake in bed, tossing and tossing, turning and turning, worrying about what this guy thought of me... Now.... to fuck if I care!!

That's what I said!! TO FUCK IF I CARE!!!!

Someone new attached a new wonky romance cord to me the other day. I like this guy a lot, but this relationship isn't going anywhere. I will cut the cord eventually, when I feel it is right.

Why did the one guy attach the cord over and over and over again? BECAUSE HE WANTED IT TO BE AS STRONG AS POSSIBLE!!!

This is what it is like. Everything I do. Does this please master? Does this please master? Does this please master?

IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?! DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT?! Everywhere I go, everything I do, I neurotically worry that it has to please this one guy or else I might as well put a gun in my mouth.

That's not the horrible part. The horrible part is, a lot of times, AT LEAST WITH ME, these guys actually don't want a relationship. They like me, but have issues, so it's like, well, now I have horribly strong neurotic feelings for you that make me feel like shooting myself, and we can't have a relationship?!

AAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Did this happen to you? Does this sound like you? Do you have horribly strong feelings for someone you don't really like, or love, or know that well? Energy work, baby. You need energy work. It ain't love, baby. Don't think it's love. It's a fucking cord that shouldn't be there. That's all.