Life Without Adderall

So, I have gone off the death drug Adderall.

I would have never made this decision by myself. I would have wanted to, but never would have, due to the horrible soul sucking boredom I feel when I am off it. Not so with the energy rebalancing. My guides told me, you will go off it permanently, we will rebalance your energy, and you will be good as new!!

Well, not quite. You have to wait for dopamine, and other neurotransmitter production to start back off. And then, you have to wait for dopamine receptor production to start back up.

So, at first, I thought it was easy. Because I had been off it for awhile, without the energy rebalancing, hoping to go back on it. And then, they rebalanced the energy, and reduced my energy to a nub for awhile, and then it built back up, and I felt good again without the drug! Wow!

But kicking drug addictions is never easy, and Adderall is a particularly tricky one. I have beat other drug addictions, like Ativan (only). Ativan was pretty easy, you just had to get through the withdrawal effects. I wasn't addicted to ativan though, I was dependent on it. It wasn't a big deal.

I feel like I am not slipping, but thoughts of slipping keep entering my mind. Like, wow, wouldn't it be so much easier to work on my book if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't I be so much happier if I were back on Adderall? Wouldn't the weight just come falling off if I were back on Adderall?

And I think of all the ways my life would be better, back on Adderall... But I know what would happen. It would be better, maybe not really, but only temporarily. And then, the dopamine would start shutting off in my brain again.

It is starting back up. We are making tremendous progress with that. I have stopped my incessant twitching, the exclaiming of "spirits!" when I get stressed out and embarrassed about dumb things. I have made tremendous, tremendous progress. It is getting easier. But as I start doing better, I start wondering, "Wow, what would life be like back on that shit?" Because I know that now that I have been off it awhile, and the dopamine is starting back on... I know it would feel really good to take it again, seeings as I would have lost my tolerance to it, and it would be like heavenly wonderfulness to take that shit again, and feel euphoric and happy and giddy and talking to myself in my mind about wonderful things, and happy and giddy, over and over again, in and out, in and out, in and out and in...

But I can't do that. It's not even that good, man. It's fake. It's not real. It's not real! Plus, the real good reason not to is, energy rebalancing is tricky. My spirit guides intended this as a permanent solution to the Adderall problem. If I waltz back into the doctors, get another prescription, take it for a couple years, have issues again, they aren't going to say, hey, Rachel, no biggie, we will just do energy rebalancing again. It is a tricky procedure, they are not going to do it again unless it's an honest mistake, like someone slips me some Adderall. That's what they said.

So I have to remember, Rachel, you are done with that shit. It's over between you and Adderall. No more, baby, no more. You have to lose weight without the aid of Adderall. You have to concentrate without the aid of Adderall. You have to be happy and go about your daily life without the aid of Adderall.

So I hate it. I just keep thinking, what if, man, what if... What if I were taking that shit again. And each time, I have to slap myself, and say, "NO!!!" "NO!!!" NO!!!!!!!

Kicking the Benzos

So I have decided to kick my benzodiazopine habit. See, I take Klonopin. I used to take 1 mg at night. So I told my doctor I wanted to quit, following the success of me kicking my nicotine gum addiction, so now the doctor has me down to a half a milligram.

Klonopin was something I would take not because I particularly liked it but because it altered my conscious state. I would take it for anxiety, which meant during one of my freakouts about my many issues. I am obsessive and insecure and get overly embarrassed about every single thing. Some of these things are actually embarrassing and some aren't really but I obsess anyway, because I get in these moods where I am just so god damn uncomfortable. And if I think you are judging me based on one of these things that I obsess over, you are going down on my enemies list.

Damn I hate withdrawal symptoms. Plus I realized the other day that adderall was the reason I get so god damned angry sometimes. My sister called me the other day to vent about the things she was angry about. She doesn't do drugs. It made me wonder what her excuse was.

So anyway, I would take this drugs when I was anxious, but by the time they took effect I had usually calmed down. Obviously, because the drugs make you calm. But you know I mean before they take effect.

Then I started taking Klonopin every single day. And it started to feel kind of nice. And then before you know it, I was a benzo addict.

But I thought this was going to be easy, just a minor adjustment to not getting that calm feeling every single night. But now I can't sleep. Or sometimes I sleep better.

I wake up all thoughty and thinking all strangely and funnily about things. I roll around and roll onto the floor with my pillow and lie on the floor. I wander around my apartment. Last night I realized that the common thread between the two nights I couldn't sleep on klonopin withdrawal was that I hadn't drank a lot of caffeine in the afternoon. So I had a few sips of coffee last night. I got tired. Then awake. I had several gulps of coffee. I became even more awake.

I feel all funny sometimes. Sometimes I feel a spiritual vibration.

But that might be the spirits.

[Abrupt Ending]