My Book

So I've been writing about my life up to the present and adding that to the book. I have been extremely impressed with my recent writing. The stuff I have written from the past year is very interesting. I didn't quite realize how interesting the past year has been. This book will absolutely be published. And it will be popular.

I have to select moments to demonstrate both that there was something good about me all along, and also select moments that demonstrate that there was something not good that needed to change. At the end I change, or at least I begin to work on changing. I was thinking that the stuff I had written before was crap compared to the stuff I recently wrote. Then I looked back and realized that it demonstrates the change from focusing on other people to focusing on myself.

In the part I wrote a while ago, there's a part where I am sending the guy I had delusions about messages. In one of the messages I make a statement, and I always kind of wondered why I said it. It was like, some people were this certain way. It was probably true but it didn't really seem to relate to anything and seemed kind of random. I always remembered that statement, and I have that message in my book. But now, at the end, the statement I made about how some people are was how I was a lot of the time. That was part of what I was supposed to learn.

I had this experience one time where I came to a certain realization. I realized that it would greatly add to the book if I mentioned it because it relates to something else in the book that happens in the part I just wrote. Looking back at the part of the book where I talk about the time period when it happened, I realized that it would be incredibly difficult to insert there because I was talking about another issue. I had sent the guy a message about it where I described it, but I hadn't added that to my book. I really did not want to go back and look through the messages I sent him again. Then I remembered something. a couple years ago I had gone back again and looked at the messages I had sent him. There were three of them that I found interesting that weren't in my book, so I saved them on my hard drive. One of them was the one message. So I went back and added it.

I am going to go back and delete a lot of recent blog posts. The reason is because I don't like giving away book information on my blog, and now a lot of the stuff I have blogged about is in my book.

Anyway, so I think this is going to be a fantastic book.

Painting an Emotional Tapestry

So, now that we've got to pretty much what I think is the end of this whole situation in my life. This situation being the karma thing, which includes my delusions and the mental illness and shit. Now I understand why the psychic last summer told me that my book would make the kind of stuff I believe in popular amongst young people. Because even though it involves all this horrible crap I had to go through which seems so unfair if you only look at this lifetime, there's just something about it that is in my opinion incredibly cool.

So I've been writing today, and today is my birthday, but that is irrelevant. I was adding the part about treatment. I have to be kind of brief about things, but touch upon the aspects of it that are important. I have been being incredibly brief about things, leaving out most of the stuff that happened, just touching on things I deem important.

One of the things that happens when you are going through what I'm going through, and thinking the way I'm thinking, with whatever it is that I am going through. Delusions? Mental illness? Altered spiritual state? Whatever the fuck it is. I don't know. One of the things is you think differently and things pop out more in your mind that seem important, like random things that happened. They pop out more, and this is conducive to painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. Because that's what memoir writing is, painting an emotional tapestry of your true life experiences. It is a form of art and involves creativity because you have to decide what to include and how you are going to tell it.

Anyway, so one random small insignificant event popped out of me that happened early on in my Innercept career. And it involved this other girl at Innercept. And I was remembering how back in the day, at one point I had delusions about my delusions, and I was telling her about it. I was going to add this part to my book and she wanted to have me put the part where I tell her about it in the book. So I was going to and I was writing about it, this was several years ago, but then later I decided that I didn't want to include the delusions about my delusions, and even if I did the part where I tell her about it wasn't significant enough to add it into the book. So it was not going to be in the book. But then today, I was remembering the other thing that popped out at me. And it was such a coincidence because it was the same girl who wanted to be in the book, so I added it and told her about it on facebook and she was happy.

I have to add back a part I removed awhile ago because I was embarrassed. I have to re-add some mention of it because it is actually something really important. It was meant to embarrass me because it was important that I be embarrassed. So yeah this is kind of a tell-all book. Not literally everything. I know some people might not want me to add stuff that embarrasses me but it is way worth it in this case to add it. It adds a lot to the book. So you have to make sacrifices.

There are things in my book like slutty behaviors that aren't necessarily that uncommon, and a lot of people have done these kind of things, but everyone has to act like people don't do these kind of things and they don't talk about them.

It's like, you have to put a certain image out into the world, whether it be out on the internet or through publishing a book, like you don't do certain things. You have never been promiscuous or have done drugs or drank excessively. And you don't have any opinions about anything that could possibly be offensive to anyone. And stuff like that. And if you don't present this image, employers won't hire you. But no one is like that. So every single person has to fake it and they are expected to fake it.

This is something that annoys me about the world. So I am hoping my life never depends on getting a job where they expect me to be like that.

Innercept: A Pricey Death Camp

So I am just fucking going crazy here. For awhile I felt this strong sense of caring about everyone and how my actions affected everyone. Now I just feel like I could punch everyone in the face.

I just want to get the fuck away from this Innercept nightmare. I want to get it the fuck out of my life. I don't want anything to do with Innercept. I don't want to be here. I want out.

When the fuck did the meds I was given every help anything? Name one time I took the medication and as a result I got better, or my thinking got clearer, or something. It has never happened. Not once. The meds just fuck me up. I don't give a flying fuck I don't want to pretend they help when they don't. If you think they are helping it's like the same thing as the placebo effect. You want them to help so it affects your perception.

Despite everything I still trust my instincts. If you want me to stop, you should probably give me some drugs which put me in a coma. Or just kill me.

And leave Erik out of this. Erik has nothing to do with anything. It's me.

This life is killing me. I hate it. I hate it so much.

Dreaming of STD's

I had a dream last night about the guy I had delusions about. This dream lacked the intense feeling of longing. An indication of progress. The two of us lived relatively close together and saw each other sometimes but not all that often. I still kind of had feelings for him but they weren't that strong anymore. It was the feeling like when you are in a relationship with someone and then you break up and you have pretty much moved on, but there are still remnants of feelings.

So the two of us were talking. There was an understanding that I was with someone else. To make conversation and indicate that I had moved on, I asked him about this one girl I saw him hanging around a lot. They seemed to like each other so I asked if the two of them were going to get together, as an indication that I would like to see him with someone else. He told me that they had discussed it and he wasn't sure that it would work out. They each had an STD, but not the same STD. They didn't want to get together and acquire the other one's STD because then they would both have two STD's. So it probably wasn't going to work out. He asked about my STD's. I told him I didn't have any. He told me that I might have one and not know it.

I think the reason I had this dream was because last night at the restaurant I was sharing a spoon with my sister because the dessert only came with one spoon, and I asked her if she had oral herpes. At first she thought I meant that I had it but then I told her I was just making sure that she didn't have it.

Anyway, that's all for now.

A Successful Book Trailer

So I'm thinking it might work out, making the book trailer with my sister, I am just going to have to push her some more to do it my way.

I don't know that my sister understands the point of the book trailer. She thinks it shouldn't be humorous because it's a serious topic. Sure, it is serious, but we don't have to act like it's a tragedy. I have an idea how I'm going to become famous and it's not going to happen if I don't poke fun at myself. The thing is I will get angry if someone pokes fun at me in the wrong way. Which means if it's someone who witnessed me becoming delusional, and they make fun of one of my actions they witnessed which demonstrates a lack of understanding. Or something like, they act like some of the stuff I was thinking, was just stuff I thought up out of my own free will, and they don't seem to understand that what I was experiencing was completely off the wall, and it was through no fault of my own that I was experiencing this.

But anyway, I don't think I will be upset if I am well-known and people make fun of me, because the information they have is the information I gave them.

So the idea behind making the book trailer at this point in time is to get people interested in me and build my platform. Right now people can't go out to the store and buy the book because I don't have a publisher. But I will be more like to find someone who will give my book a chance if I can say I have this many likes on facebook, or I get this many pageviews a month on my blog, or my book trailer has been viewed this many times.

The book trailer has to be funny, because it has to be entertaining in itself, it does more than just get people interested in the book. If I create something that's clever and funny and original and people really like, they will be more likely to share it with their friends. And then it can spread like that.

So my sister had this idea that she would do a voice over talking about me losing my mind. And then it would be like I was coming to the door and she was going to interview me. And then she would interview me.

So I was thinking about it, and I had an idea that I thought was good. In the voice over, she would talk about me like I was this dark family secret, her sister who went crazy and was sent to a treatment program in Idaho. It would be weird and overly dramatic which is kind of what my sister was thinking too.  Then, we would have me coming to the door for the interview. My sister would open the door, and I would look up at her, and very slowly and creepily I would say, "Hello, Kristen." And there would be this dramatic music.

But my sister shot this down, saying I should just act normal when she answered the door and not say anything at all. And then she would interview me and ask me questions like why did I decide to write the book and what I was worried about with the book being published. I told her these were bad questions and she said they were good questions. What I meant was, the answers to those questions aren't going to sell the book.

So I think I will need to talk to my sister more about this, and we will work on it over Christmas break.

Book Trailer Collaboration Issues

So I met with my sister to work on the book trailer yesterday and I have to say I am worried about how this is going to turn out. My sister refused to stick to a script. I don't know that she had a problem with the script I made, she just didn't want to repeat scripted lines. See, I have to collaborate with my sister on this because making videos is one of my sister's hobbies, and I don't know anyone else who makes videos and I don't know how to do it by myself.

My sister wanted it to start with a voice over, with her talking about me going crazy from her perspective. She wanted to do this because afterwards she would interview me from the perspective of being my sister. I was a bit wary of this. I didn't want her perspective of what happened to color my book trailer. Not only that, but then she asks the interview questions. Which gives her control of the topics covered, allowing her to color the book trailer even more.

My sister said something like she saw what to happened to me from a perspective where she was thinking clearly. I think maybe she was implying that I might not understand it as well because my thinking was off. She tells me I said certain things. The thing is, what she remembers is how she interpreted the things I said, not exactly what I said. How she interpreted what I said may have been slightly wrong, and then when she repeats what I said she paraphrases it without meaning to because she doesn't remember exactly what I said, and she paraphrases it based on her interpretation.

So we kind of got in an argument. I understand that it is something that she would have to put a lot of work into. But the thing is, no book trailer at all is better than a book trailer that I am not happy with. I made a script because it gave me perfect control over how it turned out. I made it so that it portrayed me, in my opinion, as kind of odd and bizarre, talking about a time when my thinking was strange. At times I wrote it so it's like I am saying something I did that seems really off but I say it like it is normal, and my sister has this strange look on her face. I don't want a book trailer that makes me come off like a complete loon, and I feel that that is what my sister's perspective is.

My sister asked me if this was really something I wanted on the internet. She also has made comments in the past asking me if I really wanted to write a book about this so that everyone knows. It's like dude, I don't mind, if it's from my perspective.

I'm not embarrassed about becoming delusional because I understand what I experienced. I understand that the way I reacted to the things I was experiencing wasn't all that weird. And then my sister focuses on these random details that don't mean shit. Like I was apparently sitting in my room with the light off. I didn't remember this, but then I was thinking about it. It was because the light I usually used, the ceiling light by the closet, had burnt out. The main ceiling light bothered me because it was too bright. So I just didn't have any light on. So what? It wasn't pitch black. I may have had my lap top open. My sister thinks that the fact that the fact that I didn't have any lights on speaks volumes about my mental state.

And now I'm sitting here getting mad just thinking about it. See, this is a subject that is really easy to piss me off on. That's why I wrote a fucking script.

Innercept Fails

Ever since I went to stable a few weeks ago I've been different. It's like I have an increased amount of anger and stress.

Stable has gotten progressively worse since I've been at Innercept. Some of that is because I've moved to stages in the program where there is more freedom, but a lot of it is because they keep changing the stable program. It actually used to be kind of chill. You could hang out, chat with staff and fellow residents all day, play card and board games, chill out in the hot tub. There is still a hot tub there, but I doubt they would let residents use it. Now, stable is like a prison. It is not relaxing or therapeutic.

I associate stable with some of the worst times I have had at Innercept. To bring up feminine issues, I had my period when I first got there last time. It stopped when I got there, was gone for a week and a half, then came back the day after I got out. I blame stress.

I don't understand the reasoning behind stable. They think that if you spend time doing nothing or forced pointless labor, you will have time to reflect and come to the conclusion that whatever you were doing that got you into stable was bad. Or something like that. They don't allow most people to talk anymore. I was allowed to talk, but the other residents couldn't so the only person to talk to was staff and a lot of time they were busy. There were some staff that I liked but some had this kind of rude controlling attitude.

Speaking of which, there are some staff that act like I am fucking stupid. I don't remember why but they threatened to send me back to Maxwell. Maxwell is the first part of the program I was in, it is the girls house, the most restrictive semi-long term part of the program. It was because I wasn't being obedient. It's like dude, I'm not stupid. My parents are paying and they aren't THAT crazy with their money. That's the most expensive part of the program. And that is saying something, but Innercept is crazy expensive and not worth one penny of what it costs. But they are not going to go along with spending a crazy amount of money to send me back to Maxwell just because I was upset at that time and had a bit of an attitude and wasn't being compliant. I didn't come to Innercept to learn fucking obedience. Even if  Innercept did recommend that, which is highly unlikely because him saying this was just an empty threat, my parents wouldn't go along with it because they don't always do what Innercept recommends. And even if I really did need to go back to Maxwell, like I suddenly got worse, I was in Maxwell already for a year in a half. My parents aren't going to do something again that they have already tried and has proved ineffective.

So anyway, despite being a cabin out in the middle of nowhere, this place is stressful. The boredom makes me restless and crazy. Which makes me stressed. I was confined to the carpet in the main room. I would run around in circles for exercise. There was one girl who they punished by making her sit in the chair all day long. She wasn't allowed to get up. She wasn't allowed to talk, read, or write. Just sit there all day doing nothing.

There were days when I wasn't allowed to go to class. I didn't feel well enough to do homework. When it became obvious that I wasn't going to get out before my physics test, I wanted to study but was made to rake pine needles instead.

And then they decide the best thing to do is to move me to a different house. What is the fucking point? I didn't have enough hours. You could have just given me a warning. I missed two appointments. It was just a coincidence that these two appointments I missed were around the same time. I had missed some aftercare social outings. I didn't know that was such a big deal. Apparently it is. Apparently Innercept thinks missing social outings indicates a low level of functioning. Innercept is freaking clueless when it comes to assessing functioning. I just didn't feel like sitting through a movie. So what.

With the thing about hours, I had been getting away with having less hours for a long time. You know, a lot of times, with things like this, if I can get away with doing things I'll do them. I liked having the extra time on my hands. Innercept wasn't paying attention so I started feeling like it was no big deal. I know what it says in my aftercare plan. But I was under the impression that we were working towards a common goal: a Rachel who is functioning well. Sending me to stable was counter productive. It literally threw me off balance. It fucked with my menstrual cycles.

It was weird, because I got out of stable and I got this immense amount of pleasure from really small things. Like listening to music on the bus, or painting my nails and sipping coffee. I appreciated things things so much all of a sudden, and I could feel my head swimming with happy chemicals.

So I come home for Thanksgiving break. I have just been so irritable and angry and depressed. I have to go over to my grandma's house and the whole time I feel like I am so irritable I am about to explode. And then yesterday I was back at home and it was Thanksgiving dinner and I just feel the urge to start bitching and complaining about Innercept. And I have to stop myself, because I know if I burst out complaining and being obnoxious it is going to ruin Thanksgiving dinner. But I am stewing in anger. So I am trying to bring up the topic without saying something obnoxious, and I say, "I am going to be just fine." Meaning that I don't need Innercept to help me I will be fine. Anyway, so it ends up making my sister take off on a rant, so instead of it being me it's my sister now bitching and complaining. And so I hung my head and thought, "God dammit. What did I do?"

I am hoping that my parents will see the light about Innercept.