Freaky Chi

Oh God. Weirdness. I don't know what to make of some things in my life, if I should make anything at all of them. Maybe I should just ignore somethings and pretend like they don't exist.

So I've been kicking the benzo's. I am down to one eighth of a milligram of ativan. Ativan suppresses psychic abilities. So now that I am going off them, I have more stuff happen. Ativan doesn't suppress delusional experiences. In fact, Ativan is supposed to cause mania. Yet, I go off it, and more stuff happens.

So I was doing some tai chi exercises in the family room yesterday. Got to keep my chi up. Haven't been to class in awhile. My dad is home, and sitting in the family room, after dinner. That's when I feel the change. I feel someone mention my name. In my head. But in real life, also. Not out loud. In my head.

They are talking about me. I can feel it. These people are talking about me. At one point, the one guy says something good about me. Was it something good? I think it was good, something slightly personal. Honestly I think it was something sexual. But I can't hear the words, I only feel the energy behind them. Then, everyone starts laughing. Not here in the family room. Wherever this guy is, whoever this guy is. Everyone starts laughing, including him, so naturally I start laughing too. Because I feel the energy change. I jump up and start laughing my head off for no reason. Really, really hard. My parents think I am losing it. Here she goes again, delusional!

I quickly excuse myself and run up to my room. I still feel this guy's energy. Really, really strongly, in my own energy. It is making me feel seriously funny, kind of an adrenaline-like feeling. It is a really long time before I stop feeling the energy, and I calm back down and return to normal.

The thing is, times like this I have felt this particular feeling before, not this exactly but something like it, it really was psychic. Both times, there are only two times I can remember off the top of my head, I got confirmation from Erik. My parents say, oh, you can't trust that guy, he may just make stuff up! Thing is, regardless of whether or not Erik just "makes stuff up," I trust him when it comes to this. I trust that he wouldn't falsely confirm the psychicness of my hallucinations. Erik cares about me. He wouldn't knowingly feed into my delusions, if that's all they were, delusions. He knows better. I don't know if he's quite as smart as he thinks he is, but he is smart enough to know that that would be wrong, and he wouldn't do it. Of course, my parents think this guy Erik is like, evil or something.

So anyway, all this happened on February 18th, shortly before 8 pm, but it didn't calm back down until around 10. Erik couldn't confirm it this time, which didn't surprise me, because I wasn't imagining that it was him. But was it what I imagined? Who was it? Who were these people? Am I going crazy? Or am I psychic again? I may never, ever no. Because even if I knew who it was, I would be too scared to ask them to confirm it. So I must live in suspense... live in the dark. Until the energy changes happen again.

When this happens, it's what's known as.... freaky chi!! Freaky chi!! Freaky freaky chi chi!!

Kicking the Benzos

So I have decided to kick my benzodiazopine habit. See, I take Klonopin. I used to take 1 mg at night. So I told my doctor I wanted to quit, following the success of me kicking my nicotine gum addiction, so now the doctor has me down to a half a milligram.

Klonopin was something I would take not because I particularly liked it but because it altered my conscious state. I would take it for anxiety, which meant during one of my freakouts about my many issues. I am obsessive and insecure and get overly embarrassed about every single thing. Some of these things are actually embarrassing and some aren't really but I obsess anyway, because I get in these moods where I am just so god damn uncomfortable. And if I think you are judging me based on one of these things that I obsess over, you are going down on my enemies list.

Damn I hate withdrawal symptoms. Plus I realized the other day that adderall was the reason I get so god damned angry sometimes. My sister called me the other day to vent about the things she was angry about. She doesn't do drugs. It made me wonder what her excuse was.

So anyway, I would take this drugs when I was anxious, but by the time they took effect I had usually calmed down. Obviously, because the drugs make you calm. But you know I mean before they take effect.

Then I started taking Klonopin every single day. And it started to feel kind of nice. And then before you know it, I was a benzo addict.

But I thought this was going to be easy, just a minor adjustment to not getting that calm feeling every single night. But now I can't sleep. Or sometimes I sleep better.

I wake up all thoughty and thinking all strangely and funnily about things. I roll around and roll onto the floor with my pillow and lie on the floor. I wander around my apartment. Last night I realized that the common thread between the two nights I couldn't sleep on klonopin withdrawal was that I hadn't drank a lot of caffeine in the afternoon. So I had a few sips of coffee last night. I got tired. Then awake. I had several gulps of coffee. I became even more awake.

I feel all funny sometimes. Sometimes I feel a spiritual vibration.

But that might be the spirits.

[Abrupt Ending]