The Atheism Delusion

So I enjoy the whole God debate. I really do.

One the one hand, you have the theists, you can't perceive of how this world got here without the existence of a divine creator. And then they pull the argument, "well you can't prove god doesn't exist!"

On the other hand, we have the atheists, who's understanding of the argument of the divine is limited, and think that people pull the "well God did it" in argument to fill in their own gaps of ignorance.

I get sick of each side.

Personally, I don't think the idea of God is a filler for the absence of logic.

The most powerful, important thing in the world is consciousness. If there were no consciousness, what do you have? Well, you have atoms, and particles, and waves and neutrinos. But what is all that if no one is around to perceive them?

They don't exist. They don't exist. They don't exist.

If there is no experience, that's it. They don't exist. It's like the tree falling in the forest. Does it make a sound? Nope. No one hears it. No sound exists. If no one experiences the universe, it is null and void. It might as well not exist. In fact, it doesn't really exist.

These atheist folk, they try hard to rid themselves of the idea that they are the center of the universe. In a way, we are... But that's not the point. They don't think that, because it sounds wrong. Atheists value humility. It is the number one thing atheists value.

Consciousness is a product of the human brain, a human construct. So is physical space, but they don't think that way. You can touch physical space. Things you can see and touch are usually real.

Therefore, they don't want to think that it is in any way shape or form important. It is wonderful, to be sure. But not important.

Wait a second, that's not how they think! It's not wonderful. It's normal. Mundane. Stupid. Pathetic. Something not to even think about. A careless byproduct of the faulty human brain.

So they don't want to think there was a conscious component in the creation of the universe, because that's too heliocentric. I'm not even talking about a Christian God. Just a conscious force. Because they have consciousness, and they don't want to attribute any human characteristics to the universe, since humans are petty, small, insignificant. It is our animalistic, anthropomorphic nature that does this.

Consciousness is not necessarily a human characteristic. It merely means something which is aware, which perceives, which experiences.

The number two atheist value is material things. They like things they can touch. Look at. Feel with their hands. Think about on a physical plane. They like to think that the universe is physical. That it was created by physical means. Everything is physical.

Consciousness is not physical. And so they say... But it is! I can touch the neurotransmitters with my hands!

Can you touch ideas? Emotions? Can you touch happiness? Can you touch sadness?

These are apple/orange ideas. They argue that consciousness is physical. Some do, at least. Because they know this is a shady area, these atheists. This is where things get abstract, and there is no abstract word to describe exactly what consciousness is.

Words are abstract. Concepts are abstract. Thoughts are abstract.

But what about Venn Diagrams? Venn diagrams represent concepts on a physical plane, where they can be touched with your fingers.

Maybe your brain is just a series of Venn diagrams, encoded in a language Earthlings can understand.

And I go off on a tangent.

Luckily, I know better. You can't touch an abstract feeling. What is pain? Is pain a physical item? Is it a particle? A wave? A neutrino?

It is an energetic state.

But you can't pinpoint exactly what it is that experiences pain. It is only one part of you that experiences, one part that thinks.

That is you. The true you. The one and only you.

You are what matters.

So maybe, what is more likely, all the atheist jabble about the big bang? OR DELUSIONAL BELIEFS?

Maybe you are delusional. Maybe nothing exists, except this delusion you have, which doesn't really exist either because it's fake. Maybe you are just an unconscious speck of consciousness dreaming of a pixie earth land, where you meet other souls, experience pain and pleasure, and dream about this concept of the big bang!!

It's not really hard to imagine, but no one wants to think that. Because their brain wants to think that other people exist too, simply because it is hardwired to. It is hardwired to think the universe is physical. It is hardwired to think the physical matters. It is hardwired to think other humans exist, just like you, and have consciousness. You don't question this, these are the facts, man. Dissenters are laughed at. And we are hardwired to think there is a soul in there doing the laughing.

What I am saying is, most Christians, and atheists, both, have childish beliefs. Everyone thinks within a box. What really exists? The thing doing the experiencing? Or the thing that is experienced?

What exists? You? Or the universe?

Why, the thing that is experienced surely exists! Why would I experience it if it didn't exist? I can't rely on the fact that I experience, that doesn't mean I exist!

If it were a choice between one or the other, atheists think the think that is more real is the universe. Because they experience it.

It is all childish jibber jabber. Everyone thinks within a box. We all think within a box. You can't know. YOU CAN'T KNOW. Atheists, you aren't as smart as you think you are. I know you think you are hot stuff, figuring out that Christians have crappy arguments. Doesn't take a genius, smarty pants. But you're views are childish.

Exactly. I was an atheist as a child. Seemed logical, using my childlike logic. Then, I grew up. My logic matured. Now I see through that. It's not my fragile brain can't fathom a universe without a god. I can. Leaves more unanswerable questions than anything. So does the God argument. But unlike you, I acknowledge that consciousness is a more powerful concept than you can ever seem to imagine.

So go ahead and laugh, atheists. Laugh at my crappy arguments.

God Doesn't Love You

So I notice there is this common sentiment amongst the Christian community that God loves you just the way you are. He doesn't care if you are black, white, hispanic, asian, albino, whatever. He loves you despite your faults, your weaknesses, your transgressions. He loves every single one of you.

Bull. Shit. Well, part of that is true, actually. He doesn't care what race you are. He hates you for who you are.

Chances are, God doesn't love you.

I am sick of this sappy, lovey-dovey, effervescent deity imagery. God is great, sure. But he is not sappy. He doesn't love everyone. Sure, he likes a lot a people. He loves some really awesome people who strike his fancy. He doesn't like the sucky people, the mean people, the stupid people, the dull people.

This is all a ploy from the egotistical, stupid, mean, vast majority of the population. They want to think they can do mean things, think mean thoughts, picket abortion centers, attend sexy ecstasy parties, run rampant, spit on people, be nasty, blithering, pieces of shit, and no matter what they do, GOD STILL LOVES THEM! God is unconditional love! THANK GOD FOR GOD'S UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!

Well let me tell you something, pea brains. If you suck, God doesn't love you. If you rape that baby, God doesn't love you. If you spew that dim-witted atheist rhetoric, God doesn't love you.

God hates militant atheists, agnostics, and Christians. God hates mean-spirited people. If you are stupid, even if you think you are smart and making a coherent argument, God sees through that bullshit. He hates you for the wretched scum of the Earth you are.

God doesn't hate gay people. Sure, he hates some gay people. But he doesn't hate them BECAUSE they are gay. He made them that way. He hates them when they are lousy people.

God hates hippies. Lousy creatures who drive low gas mileage, parade around the Saturday markets, smoking dope, low lives. There are better ways to help the planet.

So chances are, God doesn't love you. Chances are, God dislikes you though. He might even hate you. He might like you. He might love you. But don't count on God loving you. Jesus will love you no matter what, because he is God's gory sappy side. But don't bother praying to him. Or anyone. Count on the people who care about you.

I'm sick of these people. God loves everyone, equally. They don't want to think that God plays favorites. They don't want to think that the person who matters prefers their happy, virtuous neighbor over them. Well let me tell you something. He can and does. Because God is a badass. Not a sappy man on ecstasy.

If you want unconditional love, go to a rave. That's the closest you will come. Unconditional love is a pipe dream. You don't deserve unconditional love, you big loon. Unconditional love is a pipe dream. The only person you feels that way is your mother. And she still secretly considers you her helpless little bundle of joy.

God knows you. He doesn't love you. He abhors the crap out of you. So stop whining to Him about your problems. Chances are, he doesn't listen. He's not going to change His Divine Plan just because you told him to. Quit whining, quit praying, and get up on your hooves and do something about it! And quit smoking dope while you're at it.

Love,
The Spirit Girl
AKA God's Favorite


EDIT: I'm not trying to be mean by saying this I'm just stating the facts. God's personality is more Old Testament. What I'm trying to say is, you shouldn't care what God thinks because his opinion of you isn't as important as you think. Different strokes for different folks. Being mean to those who deserve it isn't a bad thing. It's actually a good thing.

More pills, More Problems

So, I asked my mom what it was she thought that Innercept had done for me.

Well, that's an easy one, darling. They educated you on your condition!

Ha!  Ha! HA!! HAHA!! What a laugh. No, they didn't Beev. I was never educated on any conditions at Innercept. Not my bipolar disorder, my schizophrenia, my body dysmorphic disorder, my OCD, my tourrettes, my anorexia, my narcolepsy. None of those. No education! No education! NO EDUCATION WHATSOEVER!.

I'll tell you what I was educated on. Collusion. The problems with beating things up to relieve aggression. How to smuggle tea and crumpets in to stable. Boring, worthless things I zoned out. Videos on quantum physics. Stupid videos. The Miracle Worker. Never a dull moment at Innercept, that's not for sure. But no mental illness education.

But that's all right. That's okay. You just keep thinking that, Beev. If it makes you happy, you keep thinking it. Because I know it doesn't mean a thing to you that I say they didn't teach me shit. What would I know after all? I'm the one with bipolar disorder! I can't tell left from right, up from down, or manic from suicidal depression. We know that information's in there, Rachel. That wisdom that Innercept bestowed upon you about your conditions! Your condition!

Be healthy! Have Fun! BAAAHHH!!!!! (HEAD EXPLODES). Whoops, inside joke.

So it makes my parents feel proud of themselves to think that Innercept helped me understand my condition, force-fed me urine samples, and now I can relax and be at ease with whatever shitty mind-altering substance anyone throws at me, knowing that it will help calm my "mental state." I'm sick of this bullshit.

No, no no no NO!! There was no education. I don't know a damn thing more about bipolar disorder than I knew at the beginning. Ups, downs, whatever. I don't need to know. I don't want to know.

I will tell me what Innercept did teach me. Interpersonal relationship skills. That's it. That's it. There groups don't mean shit. Therapy doesn't mean shit. I don't fucking know how therapy is supposed to work. Sitting there, talking to my therapist about the weather, a meaningless dream I had. Every. Single. Fucking. Session. What was I supposed to talk about? Issues that actually matter to me?

I'm not as fucked up as you think I am. I have nothing to say. If I said the things that mattered out loud, it makes the pain worse. Swiss cheese Adderall holes in my mind. Not my brain, my mind. Pockets where there are no happy neurotransmitters. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. That's what I keep telling myself. Don't think about that embarrassing moment that no one thought was even a big deal, small deal, or any sort of deal, and no one even remembers. Don't think about it and it will go away.

But they don't go away until I gave up adderall. So many problems I didn't have before being on the prescription medication.

All in all, Innercept is a freak show of idiots parading as doctors and power-hungry war mongerers parading as staff members. It is fun, in a way. I had a blast, in a way, when I wasn't being fucked up the ass. I am better off now than I was before Innercept. Sure, maybe I could have had an education instead of Innercept and be making a living. But fuck school, I can channel, I'm too cool to go back.

So that's it. That's the gist of it. The kids are pissed but the parents love it. And that's all I got to say.

Bed Wetting Fantasies and the Like

I remember back in the day when I was whisked away to the mental facility, with the police cars, ambulances, sirens, bunny rabbits, pistol-whipping rapper dudes, lollipops and sugar plum fairies and the like. The gentlemen said, "it's what college done to her, baby, she be missin' her parents and thunk too hard with the homework and all that. What she be needin' is her momma, I thunk."

Pow! Brain donk. It's this medication I'm on see, invega. It donks my brain every once in awhile and I get stuck in one place, one thought for what seems like an eternity. I call them brain donks. Stupid medication-induced brain damage. I curse thee.

Anyway, so I was pissed off. These doctors and my parents think that I couldn't handle the "stress of college." What stress? I was hardly studying at all. Anyway, I couldn't handle these "big thoughts" I was having. These big thoughts of moving out of my home. Time to slap a guardianship on me so I CAN'T move out even if I want to.

The reason I was pissed off was because I hate my fucking parents. Not really, but kind of. I hate them so badly it tears me up inside with fear and loathing and the agony of the post partum depression on the nightmares of bed-wetting and breast feeding and the like. I wanted to get the fuck away from those bitches. Now they are trying to tell me I lost my mind because I couldn't bear to part with those fuckers. What? What the? I punched those fuckers in the nuts. They are okay now, minus the shattered left testicle.

But I must persist. I must leave alone the thoughts of living alone in the world, on my own, happy and carefree, minus the worries of taxes and mortgages and bankrupties. I live with my parents. Happy and carefree, minus the worries of hangovers and finger nail polish and armed robberies and million dollar James Randi challenges.

So that's it. I'm done. My life is over. I have no means of making a living. I have no college degree, no job experience, nothing that can get me a career.

I guess I will have to fall back on the psychic abilities.

[abrupt ending]

Drug Free, that's me!

So I am going off Adderall, for life. No more of this bullshit drugs and horrible searing soul-shattering depression it causes to my soul.

I am sick of this drug addictedness I have. No one understands. Well you're a drug addict! That means  you shouldn't take that drug! Well actually, what it means is, I need this drug in order to feel okay, and not like a horribly depressed lump of dark coal, or even worse, an empty pool of nothingness. So I wait, and wait, and wait for my doctor to give me a new prescription. Then when I finally get a prescription for something close enough to Adderall, the insurance companies tell us that Adderall is cheaper so I should be on adderall instead and refuse to pay.

So I stew in darkness, and the desire to feel whole again, and I turn to alcohol and cough syrup to relieve the horrible searing depression. So my parents blame me, blame the alcohol, blame the drugs, send me to the hospital.

So anyway, I have done it. I have overcome the need to turn to drugs for my issues. I want off all of it. All the drugs. Even the Adderall.

I made a subconscious decision, after lack of proper sleep, I went to an altered state and told myself, no more drugs, no more drugs!

I SHALL BREAK FREE FROM THIS INSANITY OF ALWAYS NEEDING DRUGS TO FEEL OKAY WITH MYSELF! THIS SHALL END NOW!

I told myself, no more Adderall. No more artificial "happiness."

My body goes into internal turmoil as my adrenals go haywire, pumping out all this excess adrenaline. It's not agony, it is just very uncomfortable. A more acceptable anxiety than I'm used to. I'm sick of this house, the house that worships doctors, and prescription medication. The house that worships an ideal state of artificial happiness, who thinks there is nothing better in life than drugs, no they aren't drugs, they are "prescription medications!" These aren't "bad" drugs, like weed, coke, meth, and LSD! These are happy acceptable "healthy" drugs!

I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I want out. Not out as in suicide, like my parents would think if they read this, because they think like sick people. Always negative, always negative. Rachel's acting different, oh no! She must be suicidal, or teetering on the brink of insanity! Time to take her to the hospital and pump her full of "healthy" happy drugs!

No more adderall, to begin with. Adderall is the reason I am emotionally unstable, so fucking anxious, getting horribly, horribly embarrassed over things that aren't even embarrassing in the slightest. I am so fucking sick of being embarrassed all the time.

So I've done it. I made a subconscious decision. And my guides tell me, that's what you need to do and your body will return to normal and you will feel good again, dopamine production will start up again, you will feel happy, naturally happy, and not need those fucking stimulants to induce an altered state of manic depression.

So I'm done with these drugs. The only drug pushers in my life are my parents. They have pushed drugs on my from a very early age. Ritalin. Adderall. Lamictal. Abilify. Geodon, which is the cause of pretty much all of my brain damage (which the doctor will never say out loud!). Invega. Lithium. Ativan. Everything that fucks up my brain, my life, my emotions, and my happiness!

Good bye drugs! I am done! I AM DONE!!!!

WOO HOO!!!

Gender Roles and Awe

I'd like to take a moment to talk about my favorite topic. Sexuality!

So I'm actually a really, really big mysogonist. Which is funny, because I'm a girl! It's not that I hate women, or think they are inferior at all even. I just in general like men a lot better than women and not just in a sexual way.

I've been thinking a lot lately about how when I was a kid, I saw a lot of depictions of femininity on TV. Gender shit.

The man is depicted as dominant. He overpowers the woman. He is in charge. Or is he?

Like in the show I Dream of Jeannie. This particular show has very strong sexual connotations, even though there is no actual sex. There's a funny relationship here, where Major Nelson is the master. So he's in charge of Jeannie. But, Jeannie has magical powers! So who's in charge here? Who's really in charge here? This is actually kind of like a metaphor or something for sexuality and gender shit right here.

Which is superior? Femininity or masculinity? First off, men and women are equal. I am not arguing that at all. But, even though I prefer men over women, romantically and friendship-wise, Femininity is far superior to masculinity.

Men have dominance, in a way. A certain type of meaningless, unvirtuous dominance. Physical dominance. A very primitive sort of dominance. Femininity is actually way, way more sacred and holy. It's elusive and mysterious. It's way more valuable.

Men are in awe of this. Though, they are not actually jealous. And in a way, this concept is kind of similar to the Freudian idea of penis envy. I was making fun of this on my blog earlier. Women don't want to have a penis. God no! It's actually kind of funny in a way because men are so obsessed with their own penis that they think wow a woman must be jealous of this awesome powerful thing I have because the man himself is so fucking proud of it! And women say, hahahaha! That's your own masculine ego talking, it's really not as wonderful as you yourself think it is! But women do like that kind of thing though, so in a way it goes both ways. Women are in awe of the man's physical power, but men are in awe of the sacred, holy aspect of femininity. However, most people, MOST PEOPLE, obviously the ones who aren't are the transexual people, most people are wrapped up in living out the sex that they are and they aren't really jealous of the other gender. But, there is that feeling of awe.

So this goes both ways here. But, really, truly, I think femininity is better. Women carry children. That's really what it comes down to. And the whole idea of creating life in this way mysterious and beautiful and powerful, and in general more important than anything a man does.

So what women are taught is, they have the power. Really, they do. So naturally, the man wants to overpower the woman, and it is a demonstration of his feelings of being in awe over the woman's sacred magical thing that she has. And the man wants the woman to submit, to show that she is in awe over the man's physical prowess.

Anyway. Anyway. I like men better than women. BUT... I thought about it, and I realized, I think there is an elite group of women which is superior to all men and everyone else. Women who have the masculine spark. And I believe I am one of these women.

Million Dollar James Randi Challenge

So I was watching this video about this guy, James Randi. I don't know much about him except he is big on debunking spiritual stuff. This guy knows a lot about things like parlor tricks and magic, and forms of trickery. So, he believes all spiritual stuff is trickery, and he debunks it.

So one of the things James Randi does in this video is, he has a whole bottle or very very large portion of homeopathic sleep pills, and he takes them. And then he's like, wow! I didn't die!

I actually thought this was kind of stupid. Now, I'm not like a firm believer in homeopathy. I really have no opinion. I don't know that it works and I don't know that it doesn't work. I have heard anecdotal stories about it working. I was told by one of my doctors that in other countries they have done scientific studies on homeopathy and they have found it to work, and that was because the scientific studies in the United States are biased. But I don't know. The naturopath gives me homeopathic remedies. I don't know that they work. I don't even really know what they are supposed to do. But I take them anyway because I am told to and it couldn't hurt. So I really have no opinion.

That said, I thought this assessment was a little unfair to homeopathy. Just because both things are used to treat insomnia, doesn't mean they work exactly the same or have all the same side effects. It's not a drug! It's energy medicine.

You treat people with psychosis with antipsychotics. Antipsychotics cause weight gain. What if someone was psychotic, but cleared it up by getting adequate sleep and a proper diet. Sleep deprivation and nutritional deficiencies could potentially cause psychosis. But then James Randi jumps in, and says, this isn't possible! His psychosis couldn't possibly be gone! He didn't gain any weight! Let me tell you, as far as I know, and maybe I don't know everything about these things, but as far as I know everyone gains weight on antipsychotics. Everyone. Every single person in the entire world would gain at least a little weight if they were put on antipsychotics.

So anyway, another thing about James Randi is that he has this million dollar challenge. He will give a million dollars to whoever proves the existence of psychic abilities. So far, no one has! I have been in discussions with people, online, where they use that as their soul argument that psychic abilities aren't real.

So I looked a little bit in to it, did a little research but not a whole lot. In order to win the million dollar challenge, James Randi has really really strict conditions under which psychics have to demonstrate their abilities. That's why psychics don't even try it.

So what I am kind of thinking is, sure, this James Randi guy may know a lot about parlor tricks. But what he doesn't seem to know a lot about is spiritual stuff in itself and the nature of that kind of thing. Psychic abilities are strange and elusive. No, they are not always very reliable, but in my opinion they do exist. So maybe, psychic abilities are real, but with the terms of the James Randi million dollar challenge, people just can't demonstrate them under those conditions.

Anyway, that's what I've been thinking. That's all for now.