People People

Awhile ago my mentor shared a particular quote with me. I have no idea whose quote it is. The quote was something along the lines of: "feeble minds think about people, average minds think about things, great minds think about ideas." Today I am going to explain why I think this quote is false.

I would agree that great minds think about ideas. I disagree that feeble minds think about people. The reason is because I think that being people oriented and being genuinely interested in other people is one of the best things you can be.

I think that the person who said this was thinking that these feeble-minded people think about other people in a negative way. They are people who are obsessed with gossip. They talk about people behind their backs in a nasty way. I agree that these people are no good.

But being concerned with other people isn't in itself bad. It's a hell of a lot better than being overly preoccupied with yourself. I think there are too many people who are overly preoccupied with themselves. Myself included, perhaps.

The thing about me is though, I have the tendency to develop odd fascinations with other people. Not necessarily crushes, though not necessarily not crushes either. I become interested in a particular person, usually because there is something about them that I find quirky. And I love quirkiness. So I am drawn to quirky people. I notice the things that these people do and I may talk about them with other people. I might laugh at and make fun of these people. Yet, even though I make fun of them, I still like them. Because you have a tendency to pick on people you like. Not necessarily like in a romantic way, just like as a person.

And the way it works is, even if I got in a fight with a particular person, and was perhaps kind of mean to them, in the end, after some time has passed, I end up liking them. For the soul reason that through arguing, we bonded.

I remember being at the Innercept office once, and entering a room full of Innerceptians. "Look, it's all my favorite people!" I said. The thing was that I meant it. Not necessarily my favorite people in the entire world, but it was all people whom I liked. Because I like people, and we were all at Innercept so we had that in common. It was something that bonded us together. And I have respect for people who are in this program, whether or not I like them, because I know they are not at Innercept because they are weak. It is because they have had to deal with some crappy bullshit in life that the majority of people don't have to deal with. Even the people I don't necessarily like in the program, and there are very few of these people, I respect for this reason.

There are two reasons why I am not excessively social most of the time. One of them is because even though I like people, I also fear people. The other is because sometimes I have a hard time pulling myself out of my own head and making conversation with other people.

Talking to One's Self

I would like to take a moment to explain something. This is something that I had to explain to my mom because she didn’t understand. That is, the fundamental difference between talking to yourself, and talking to someone who isn’t there.

I have done the former on many occasions. On so many occasions have I done the former! I have never once in my life lost touch with reality to the point where I did the latter.

When I talk to myself, I move my mouth but I don’t speak out loud. Though, I think sometimes I whisper, or something, because sometimes people can hear it in the other room. At least, they did at one point two years ago.

See, I asked my parents once if it was normal to think like you were having a conversation with someone, even though there wasn’t anyone else there. They said that it was normal. That’s all that talking to yourself is. You are having an imaginary conversation. Sometimes you explain certain things to no one. Like I will explain certain aspects of the delusional experience or the like. Sometimes you rehash things that have happened. This is usually when you are a little more out of it, I haven’t done this in a really long time I don’t think. The difference between talking to yourself and what my parents told me was normal, that is thinking like you are having a conversation with someone, is that with this you move your mouth a little bit to the words you are thinking. That is the only difference. When I have done this, I have always been well aware that there was no one else there. I have been well aware that it was a ONE SIDED CONVERSATION. You never get any sort of responses to anything you say. I repeat, it is no different than thinking like you are talking to someone. Except, you might move your mouth, and you might gesture sometimes.

I hate it how sometimes other people think they somehow know better than me about what’s going on inside my head. I’m the one who spends every moment of every day inside my head. I know what I am thinking. My sister tries to tell me that I was talking to someone who wasn’t there, because I was leaning over in a certain direction and moving my mouth. If I recall correctly, it was less that I was leaning towards someone, and more that I was leaning away from my family to hide it. At any rate, I remember this incident, we were at a restaurant, and this was a time when I was rehashing stuff. So I actually wasn’t even having a conversation.

Why do I do these thing? I do them without thinking about them. They are unconscious. I lose a certain amount of control. I can regain control if I focus on it, but then I will slip back again if I stop focusing on it. That is, if I am somehow excessively wired. These things only happen when I am excessively wired.

Okay, so now I will discuss talking to someone who isn’t there.

I have seen many a person at the psych ward do this. You’ll notice that these are two-way conversations. You can tell that they are two way conversations because the person will say something to no one, pause like they are listening to a response, and then react to whatever it was that was said. Sometimes they will chuckle like the other person said something funny. One time I thought this one lady was about to strip. She started touching her clothes like she was going to take them off and she said, “but the music’s not right.” This lady had children who were older than me. She was an interesting lady, to say the least.

So anyway, this concludes my discussion on talking to one’s self. These are things I don’t do anymore, but it pisses me off when people act like I was once so psychotic.

Going Numb

My rights were taken away six and a half years ago. At the time, this was too overwhelming to think about. So I just went numb. My parents told me it was for my benefit, and I didn't believe them but I accepted this answer. Because, I didn't want to think about it.

Awhile ago I was talking to some people from the program about being sent to psych wards. They told me it was such a diss to be sent to a psych ward, because you are being told you are a danger to yourself or other people. I didn't see it that way, and I wondered why I didn't see it that way. Then I thought about it, and I remembered. In the beginning I did see it that way. The first time I went to the psych ward I was beyond pissed. I was wondering what the fuck gave my parents the idea that this was somehow helpful. I was so fucking pissed I just sat in my room and stared out the window all day long. Which made the psych ward people think I was psychotic. I swear, anyone they will evaluate is "psychotic" according to the people at the psych ward.

But, then I went numb. And I forgot about the notion that if you are in the psych ward, you are supposedly a threat to yourself or other people. And I saw psych wards as an opportunity to connect with interesting people you wouldn't otherwise meet, who were in interesting conditions you wouldn't otherwise see them in. And I grew to fucking love psych wards. But I would never in my life want to go back, at least not as a patient. Never in my life.

So now I am starting to wake back up a little bit. And I am wondering when this is going to end. When am I going to get my rights back? I'm wondering what's going to happen when my parents die. Will I get my rights back then? Or will we have to hire channels in order to channel my dead parents to see what direction they want my life to go in. That would be interesting.

So anyway, I'm trying to work towards income. But my parents are standing in the way of this. I found a class I could take that could teach me web design skills so I could get a job making websites, but for some reason when it comes to things like my future my parents are stingy with their money. But when it comes to things like taking away my freedom, they will spend as much as it takes to do so, because "I'm worth it." Really, that's what they say. "Rachel, you're worth it."

So now all I have to do is wonder around town and apply for any job imaginable, and hope against hope that they will give me a chance despite my lack of employment history. Then, not only will I have income, but I will also be proving my ability to work like an adult. On top of that, I can save up money for this web design class I want to take, so that I can get a job with a little big more income then a job at a fast food restaurant or waiting tables or the like.

But anyway, that's what my life is like right now.

Taking Back My Life

Despite the fact that I am in aftercare, Innercept still tries to control my life. They try to control the food I buy at the grocery store. A couple weeks ago my mentor told me I needed to buy kiwis. I did, because I do like kiwis. Except I knew I would end up just throwing them out. Which I did, I found them all squishy the other day so I tossed them. I was going to try to eat them, but I really I knew I wouldn't and I didn't. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sick of Innercept trying to buy foods I know I won't eat. Because really, it's a waste of money. Money I could spend on foods I actually will eat.

I'm on my way out of the program now. I am almost out, but I have been in for over four years. I'm ready to take my life back. I have watched a lot of people go through this program. People with problems that Innercept had no idea how to help. The sad thing is, I'm considered one of their success stories. This is sad because the ways in which I have grown haven't had a damn thing to do with Innercept. In my opinion, Innercept hinders growth because it shelters you. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

So I find myself increasingly irritated with the little things Innercept people ask me to do. I like my mentor. At least, I like one of my mentors. By that I mean, there is only one who I think is actually helpful. But anyway, even though I like her, I get irritated when she tells me to pick up my floor, put things down on a schedule, etc. I'll clean up my floor when I feel like it god damn it. I can live with it the way it is. If I decide I want my apartment to be clean, I will make it clean. If I decide it is fine dirty, then it will remain dirty. It's my space. My parents pay for it, not Innercept (I wish I could say that I pay for it myself but I haven't become financially independent yet). If I want to change I will change, if I have sufficient motivation, but Innercept staff doesn't have that kind of power over me. It is just annoying. And the thing about the schedule. I know in my mind when I have class, I don't need to write that down. I have it memorized. What I'm trying to say is, I do what works for me.

The funny thing about Innercept is that there isn't any sort of education about what your condition is. They just give you meds, don't tell you much about them, and you've got to take them or else you go off to stable or the hospital. Stable (short for stabilization) is a cabin out in the middle of nowhere where you spend all day doing either nothing at all, or moving logs about aimlessly, or from one place to another and then back again. Sometimes they don't even let you read. Everytime I've been sent there, I've been told the same line: "It's not punitive."

So I'm ready to take my life back. I am done with them peaking at me while I sleep, holding my computer for me, grading my behaviors, and treating me like I am a child. I am 25 and I will be 26 soon. Just let me live life for myself.

Aligning Your Intentions With the Universe

Today I've been thinking about the events in my life and the lessons that accompanied them, and how they make up the curriculum of my current lifetime.

A week or so ago I had a status on facebook that was something like: "When you are in the right, and your intentions are pure, the universe will generally work in your favor. Maybe not right away, but in the end, you will end up on top." That's pretty much what it said.

And I've found this to be pretty much true. The times in my life where I have found it not to be true, I firmly believe things have yet to fully play themselves out. Actually, right now, I believe full well that the universe owes me, and I will be receiving my "payment" in due time. I don't mean that the world owes me in a monetary way. And in some ways, maybe I owe the universe. At any rate, things are set to change.

But back to the facebook status I mentioned. Now I'm not a mean person, but I have the tendency to joke around in kind of a rude way and I can be mean-spirited without really meaning to. I've noticed that in these situations, things don't go in my favor.

Also, there is an exception to this rule. When you are fully equipped to stick up for yourself and help yourself but you don't, then things won't go in your favor necessarily because it is up to you to get yourself out of that situation. Also, things might not go in your favor if going through a tough time is part of a learning experience for you.

So, you have a life curriculum. As part of their curriculum, some people need to learn to stick up for themselves and respect themselves. This was a part of mine. I believe I have made good progress with this in particular.

If you want things to go in your favor, you need to align your intentions with the will of the universe. Well how the heck do you do that? You need to use your own moral compass to look at life situations objectively and see which side would be favored by the universe. This is difficult and no human is probably fully capable of doing this. But you have to deeply consider the situation and both side's intentions and actions. And just because someone had good intentions, doesn't mean they are in the right necessarily, because they may have thought what they were doing was right, but they didn't fully grasp the situation. The universe shall judge accordingly.

The universe does not seek to punish. Just to teach. Through discipline, people learn.

These are the kind of things I think about as I ride around on the city bus system.

The Messiah Delusion and Narcissism: They Don't Go Hand in Hand

So, it has recently come to my attention that some people associate believing you are the second coming of Christ with narcissism. I don't know what it's like for other people, but I know for me it wasn't about narcissism. Yes, I believed I was someone extremely important and yes, I believed I was on a divine mission. Big deal. What's wrong with believing you are on a divine mission? What I'm trying to say is I believed these things, but I didn't believe I was infallible or sinless.

I realized when this came to my attention that this would be good topic for an article I submit to magazines, not a blog. So I started writing that. Then, I realized I could both write a blog about it and an article, as long as the two things were different. So that's what I'm doing!

One of the things that made it possible for me to believe that I was Jesus/God but I wasn't perfect because one of the ideas behind my delusions was that God isn't infallible after all. The whole thing about God being infallible was a lie.

The moment when I was figuring out my delusions and I figured out the thing about Jesus, it really scared me. No, I did not want to be Jesus. But I talk about this in my book. For awhile I was in denial about it, telling myself I wasn't really Jesus, I was just the one who happened to fall at the center of this whole thing.

It's not that there is no narcissistic element at all to it, because when you go around believing you are the messiah for an extended period of time you start to feel pretty special. And the thing that made it believable is that for as long as I can remember, especially when I was really young, I had a sense of being someone exceptional. It's not a feeling I had control over. That's just how I felt. So that's what made the Jesus thing believable.

One of the many conflicts in my book is me trying to figure out why someone not all that great such as myself would be the second coming of Christ.  It was confusing. Then there's also the knowledge that once my messiah-ship (that's probably not a word) is made public, I will never be able to live up to peoples' expectations of how the second coming of Christ is supposed to act. It's a great responsibility, being the second coming of Christ. I didn't tell my parents that I thought I was the messiah because I knew that made me sound crazy, but I would always say to them, "if you knew what it really was, you would wish it was just a mental illness." Because I knew that living a life as the second coming of Christ would be much harder than any mental illness, probably. It could be exciting, it could be thrilling, but it would also be terrible at the same time. Grand but terrible. I couldn't even really imagine what it would be like. I wondered if all this doctor crap even compared to the shit I would experience as the second coming of Christ.

There was never any desire to be worshipped. The thought of people worshipping me scared me and made me feel really uncomfortable.

When my delusions were disproven, I got the idea I could write a book about it. That was a great thing, because I could be famous and not be the second coming of Christ!

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, believing you are Jesus feels kind of cool, but at the same time it's pretty freaking scary.

A Spiritual Worldview

So I tend to identify with the New Age movement. At the same time, I think a lot of aspects of it are hokey. For example, the belief that when the Europeans first came to America, the Native Americans couldn't see the ships. But I've already discussed this topic, in an entry I posted not too long ago. What I'm trying to say is, I get the impression that a lot of New Age people are ignorant about science, or the actual implications of science, so their "science" is a joke.

So the reason I am writing this entry is to discuss my worldview.

According to my worldview, the physical world was set into motion by a spiritual force. You can call this force God. You and I may or may not have been present at creation. I tend to think we were.

We were a part of The Source, and then we incarnated on Earth to be separate from The Source. When you are united with The Source, you feel love. Because The Source is love.

We come to Earth to grow in spirit. I'm not exactly sure what the purpose of growing in spirit is. There are some things I don't know. You create a life plan before you incarnate, choose your personality traits, and the family you want to be born into.

Along the way, you have spirits which help you. They may or may not make their presence known to you. Mine have made their presence known to me. I used to look down on people who didn't believe in spirits because they had never had certain experiences happen to them so they were ignorant, but now I don't care because I realize I was once like them. It just annoys me when people who are ignorant act like I am somehow deranged for believing in these things.

The degree to which your life is planned depends on what you decide before you were born. With me personally, there was part of my life that was very structured, in that it was planned out. Right now I've gotten to a point where I am supposed to publish this book but ultimately it depends on me and my actions. If I screw up it may not happen. However, I highly doubt that I'm going to screw this up.

Part of you is aware of your life plan and the major events that are going to happen to you. There are moments of foreshadowing, when something happens that bears a resemblance to something that is about to happen and it feels odd.

You've lived past lives. Some souls are older and more mature than other souls. Not all souls mature at the same rate. More mature souls typically deal with more complex issues. However, younger souls may choose a plan to help them mature faster by dealing with more complex issues earlier on. When I learn about peoples' lives I get a sense of how old/mature of a soul they are. I don't know if my feelings about this are correct, but it is a belief that I have, however unsupported it may be.

I believe that prayer can help, but ultimately if you pray for something to happen that's not meant to happen it's not going to happen.

I believe in God but I don't think that He is all-powerful. There are certain scientific rules that are in place. He can use supernatural forces that will overcome these rules on a small scale, but on a larger scale He can't re-program the universe without starting over. So, for example, He can't wave his magic wand and make it so that global warming is no longer a problem, because of the way the Earth is set up.

I don't believe God is all-knowing either. The reason is because we have free will, and God may have a basic idea of what we will likely do with our free will but ultimately the decision is up to us.

It is ideal that you love all other souls unconditionally. But as I've stated in previous posts, this is extremely difficult when people do things that are hard to forgive. We are all connected but separate on Earth, but by loving one another we become closer and more united, and unity with other souls is the single most rewarding thing you can have. Don't judge others for their actions, even if some action seems completely backward you assume that you are ignorant. However, there are people who are not good people, but don't jump to the conclusion that someone is not a good person too quickly. As for myself, I've known bad people but there is only one person I know who I think is truly evil. But for the most part, you need to be accepting of all different types of people.

Things are always more complicated than you think. Always. It is okay and unavoidable to simplify things in your own mind in order to understand them, but keep in mind that things are always more complicated than you think.

If you notice, some of these things have similarities to Christian beliefs, but they are different. This concludes my discussion on my worldview, for now.