My apartment was searched by Innercept staff a couple weeks ago. Knowing I didn't have anything embarrassing or secret in my apartment, I was fine with this. Today I go back and find that they removed the one Starbucks double shot I have left in my fridge. Seriously?
So I drink caffeine in larger portions then Innercept would like me to. Innercept has this insatiable need to control me. I'm going to drink more than 2 cups of coffee a day and there is nothing you can do about it. Two shots of espresso in a double shot is nothing. Seriously, that's nothing. You are wasting my money by throwing away my food/drinks.
There was a time when I had trouble with too much caffeine. That was when Innercept has me on the horrid drug Geodon. Time after time I told them it was bad, but they wouldn't take me off it until it came to a point where they really had no choice. These days, I have more trouble with my mood when I don't drink enough caffeine then when I drink too much.
Truth is, Innercept doesn't know what's best for me. I'm going to do what I think is best. I have adjusted to taking in large amounts of caffeine, to the point where if I only take in small amounts I have the energy equivalent of someone on a depressant.
I hate it how Innercept automatically assumes that if I am going through a harder time it must be because I am drinking too much caffeine. Innercept needs to accept the fact that they have no clue when it comes to my life. Just leave me alone. That's what I think.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
My Teachings On Sexuality
So I've been ruminating more than usual for the past few days. One of the things I was thinking about is sexuality, and how for some reason, I just seem to understand sexuality better than other people. I often find myself thinking this.
For example, one time I was reading an article in a magazine about a girl whose neighbor secretly filmed her while she was changing and stuff. At the end of the article, she said that if you want to see girls naked, buy porn, don't film your neighbor. Now, for the record, I'm no voyeur. But I was reading this and thinking, "well duh... the thing that is attractive about voyeurism to voyeurs is the idea that whomever they are watching doesn't know they are being watched." It's just common sense, man.
So anyway, I find that as a society we are still unfortunately stuck on trying to accept people who are gay. But the truth is, no one chooses their sexuality and what they are into. But they have a choice in what activities they partake in.
But back to to homosexuality. The truth is, biologically, the purpose of sex is reproduction. Obviously! It does this in two ways: the more obvious way is that it makes women pregnant, the less obvious way is that it strengthens the bond between the parents who are raising the kid. But, for whatever reason, some people are gay. There are some people on this planet who seem to think the Earth is dangerously underpopulated, so we need everyone to be straight to churn out enough kids.
Gay people are lucky in away, compared to some people, in that they can still have satisfying sexual relationships without hurting anyone. Some people are attracted to children. This is not a choice. It's not their fault. Why would anyone want to be attracted to children? But if you are a pedophile, you just have to accept that you are never going to have a satisfying sex life. It's like having a disability. Same goes for people who want to have sex with animals.
And, I know that being attracted to things like sex with children or sex with animals seems wrong. I'm not saying it isn't wrong. That's exactly why it is attractive to some people, it's the wrong factor of it. It's a mistake in the way they are wired. At least, that's how I see it.
The way I see it, gay people are probably born that way. Actually, I heard once that there is a gene that gay people commonly have, but some straight people have it too and it appears to be due to environmental factors whether or not that gene is expressed. People with sexual deviations probably developed that way, it could be due to sexual abuse when they are young or something else. People can be aroused due to sensory input, usually visual, or they can be aroused due to emotions. With gay people, my theory is, it has more to do with how they react to sensory input. With people with sexual deviation, it is how they react to certain emotions. Most people respond at least a bit to both, I think. People respond to certain facial expressions, if they remind them of an orgasm face, and this is actually an emotional reaction. See, I used to read about sexual deviations on the internet. I learned about the sneezing fetish. At first the idea of a sneezing fetish didn't make any sense to me. Then I read the article about it, and it has to do with the fact that people make a weird face when they momentarily lose control and it can remind people of an orgasm. The desire to rape people is emotional, because they are turned on by the sense of power they get over another person. People can also be turned on by things that seem wrong, like I already mentioned, or things that seem completely gross. For whatever reason, they are just wired that way.
This concludes my teachings for today on sexuality.
For example, one time I was reading an article in a magazine about a girl whose neighbor secretly filmed her while she was changing and stuff. At the end of the article, she said that if you want to see girls naked, buy porn, don't film your neighbor. Now, for the record, I'm no voyeur. But I was reading this and thinking, "well duh... the thing that is attractive about voyeurism to voyeurs is the idea that whomever they are watching doesn't know they are being watched." It's just common sense, man.
So anyway, I find that as a society we are still unfortunately stuck on trying to accept people who are gay. But the truth is, no one chooses their sexuality and what they are into. But they have a choice in what activities they partake in.
But back to to homosexuality. The truth is, biologically, the purpose of sex is reproduction. Obviously! It does this in two ways: the more obvious way is that it makes women pregnant, the less obvious way is that it strengthens the bond between the parents who are raising the kid. But, for whatever reason, some people are gay. There are some people on this planet who seem to think the Earth is dangerously underpopulated, so we need everyone to be straight to churn out enough kids.
Gay people are lucky in away, compared to some people, in that they can still have satisfying sexual relationships without hurting anyone. Some people are attracted to children. This is not a choice. It's not their fault. Why would anyone want to be attracted to children? But if you are a pedophile, you just have to accept that you are never going to have a satisfying sex life. It's like having a disability. Same goes for people who want to have sex with animals.
And, I know that being attracted to things like sex with children or sex with animals seems wrong. I'm not saying it isn't wrong. That's exactly why it is attractive to some people, it's the wrong factor of it. It's a mistake in the way they are wired. At least, that's how I see it.
The way I see it, gay people are probably born that way. Actually, I heard once that there is a gene that gay people commonly have, but some straight people have it too and it appears to be due to environmental factors whether or not that gene is expressed. People with sexual deviations probably developed that way, it could be due to sexual abuse when they are young or something else. People can be aroused due to sensory input, usually visual, or they can be aroused due to emotions. With gay people, my theory is, it has more to do with how they react to sensory input. With people with sexual deviation, it is how they react to certain emotions. Most people respond at least a bit to both, I think. People respond to certain facial expressions, if they remind them of an orgasm face, and this is actually an emotional reaction. See, I used to read about sexual deviations on the internet. I learned about the sneezing fetish. At first the idea of a sneezing fetish didn't make any sense to me. Then I read the article about it, and it has to do with the fact that people make a weird face when they momentarily lose control and it can remind people of an orgasm. The desire to rape people is emotional, because they are turned on by the sense of power they get over another person. People can also be turned on by things that seem wrong, like I already mentioned, or things that seem completely gross. For whatever reason, they are just wired that way.
This concludes my teachings for today on sexuality.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Censoring Yourself
Something happened last weekend that was a big deal. Yet, after careful consideration, I've decided that it's probably best that I don't talk about it on the internet. Because future employers might google me, and I know that if you google "Rachel Zuhl" my blog will pop right up. And that's perfectly fine with me. Because the way I see it, I google people if I want information on them. So I return the favor. You want information on me, google me and I'll give you a window into my inner thoughts. I'm nice like that.
By the way, it just started today where I've been feeling pretty strange. I feel that I'm on the verge, and that this future employer nonsense won't even matter in the not so distant future. And I see the avenues through which these things could manifest. But, for now, it still does matter. So I have to go about pretending like I don't make mistakes.
That's what I hate about this society. It's a society of secrets. You can't let others know about your drug-induced mishaps or about your secret sexual side. I would imagine that it's common to have a dark secret sexual side, whatever that may entail. The thing is, spirits that watch you, they know what's on your mind. They know what you're thinking. There are no secrets. Should you be embarrassed? No! Because they don't judge. That's how our society should be, I think. Not that you should tell everyone everything. But if things get exposed, don't judge. It wouldn't be so shocking if you realized how common these things are.
Bottom line is, I'm a moral person. I don't steal, cheat, or lie for the most part. I'm accepting of most different types of people. But if I do something and I'm not hurting anyone else, I don't see it as wrong. Because it's my life, and I make my own decisions.
By the way, it just started today where I've been feeling pretty strange. I feel that I'm on the verge, and that this future employer nonsense won't even matter in the not so distant future. And I see the avenues through which these things could manifest. But, for now, it still does matter. So I have to go about pretending like I don't make mistakes.
That's what I hate about this society. It's a society of secrets. You can't let others know about your drug-induced mishaps or about your secret sexual side. I would imagine that it's common to have a dark secret sexual side, whatever that may entail. The thing is, spirits that watch you, they know what's on your mind. They know what you're thinking. There are no secrets. Should you be embarrassed? No! Because they don't judge. That's how our society should be, I think. Not that you should tell everyone everything. But if things get exposed, don't judge. It wouldn't be so shocking if you realized how common these things are.
Bottom line is, I'm a moral person. I don't steal, cheat, or lie for the most part. I'm accepting of most different types of people. But if I do something and I'm not hurting anyone else, I don't see it as wrong. Because it's my life, and I make my own decisions.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Faith: I Figured it Out
So I go to a bible study every Tuesday. I find these people at this bible study very interesting. I go every single Tuesday, and because of this I am praised by them for my "great faith." Of course, they don't know that I actually don't believe in faith. Though, I'm pretty sure I know what would happen if I told them what I really believe. They would still welcome me there, but the whole bible study would take on an exceptionally preachy tone, because they would be trying to "save" me.
The whole idea of faith is something I never really thought about until certain delusional things happened to me. I realized there is nothing really good about having faith. But I think I may have figured it out yesterday. In order to be Christian, you have to believe that your thinking processes, logic, and judgment is worth absolutely nothing, compared to that of God. There is no way us mere humans can understand God.
Take the whole idea of Jesus dying for our sins. Why did that have to happen? I mean God created us, didn't He know we were going to sin? It seems like it sort of caught Him off guard. I think He set Adam and Eve up. But anyway, my understanding is, that act in the Garden of Eden set humans up for a tendency towards sin.
But why? Why did God design it that way? It seems to me that if God were truly the only god, He would have designed all the rules of the universe. Are there some things that are out of His control? Is there some other god above him? No, the bible says that this god is the only god. It seems to me that God doesn't have as much power as He claims to have. Someone is lying here.
And then for some reason, you have to be sinless to get into heaven. Unless, of course, someone sinless dies for your sins, and then you believe in that person. Same thing I said before, if God truly makes the rules, He could have designed it any way He wanted to.
It seems to me that is foolish to believe everything you hear. Especially when you hear stuff that doesn't make any sense, like the stuff I just mentioned. But if you don't believe this particular far-out crazy story, you are damned for all eternity because you don't have faith. This makes no sense to me. But, I am merely human. All this, of course, makes sense to God. And I should just accept that my own thoughts are worth nothing, any conclusion I come to using my own judgment is probably wrong, and that my brain isn't worth a damn thing. So that's where faith comes in.
The End.
The whole idea of faith is something I never really thought about until certain delusional things happened to me. I realized there is nothing really good about having faith. But I think I may have figured it out yesterday. In order to be Christian, you have to believe that your thinking processes, logic, and judgment is worth absolutely nothing, compared to that of God. There is no way us mere humans can understand God.
Take the whole idea of Jesus dying for our sins. Why did that have to happen? I mean God created us, didn't He know we were going to sin? It seems like it sort of caught Him off guard. I think He set Adam and Eve up. But anyway, my understanding is, that act in the Garden of Eden set humans up for a tendency towards sin.
But why? Why did God design it that way? It seems to me that if God were truly the only god, He would have designed all the rules of the universe. Are there some things that are out of His control? Is there some other god above him? No, the bible says that this god is the only god. It seems to me that God doesn't have as much power as He claims to have. Someone is lying here.
And then for some reason, you have to be sinless to get into heaven. Unless, of course, someone sinless dies for your sins, and then you believe in that person. Same thing I said before, if God truly makes the rules, He could have designed it any way He wanted to.
It seems to me that is foolish to believe everything you hear. Especially when you hear stuff that doesn't make any sense, like the stuff I just mentioned. But if you don't believe this particular far-out crazy story, you are damned for all eternity because you don't have faith. This makes no sense to me. But, I am merely human. All this, of course, makes sense to God. And I should just accept that my own thoughts are worth nothing, any conclusion I come to using my own judgment is probably wrong, and that my brain isn't worth a damn thing. So that's where faith comes in.
The End.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Manifesting Change
Sometime early last year my sister told me that the spirits had been urging her to use the principles from The Secret. She told me what she knew about The Secret, and that was that you had to just imagine what you want to happen, just really picture it in your head, and you don't have to do anything else, and it will happen. She hasn't had any luck with The Secret so far.
When she told me this, it seemed wrong. I mean, I don't know if the whole law of attraction really works or not, it might, but what I mean is, it seemed wrong that you didn't have to actually do anything, it would just magically happen. Yesterday I had my mom buy me a book called Manifesting Change. I found out that I was right about that, that you have to imagine what you want, and then you have to do things that might move you in that general direction, and forces will go to work to make things eventually work out for you.
So anyway, I kept reading. I realized something from reading this book. Now I don't know if the law attraction really works, but if it does, the only thing that is really worth trying to manifest is happiness. Just happiness, which is very general. From what I can gather from reading the book, the more specific you make your requests the less likely they are to actually happen. Or if they do happen, the more likely they are to go wrong some how, and you may get what you tried to manifest, but you might not end up happy so it defeats the purpose.
So I realized that this was true, and it made sense, and I got angry. I was probably angry because I needed a piece of nicotine gum. So I'm sitting here chewing a piece of nicotine gum, and thinking about this. The reason it makes me angry is because I feel like if I just try to manifest happiness I won't get what I really want, which is a published book, and in the end I will just be merely happy, and I don't want to be happy, I want a published book. But this is silliness, because I thought having a published book would make me happy. And in the book Manifesting Change it talks about making attachments, which means being fixated on certain outcomes. Attachments aren't bad if they are about general things, like happiness, or even slightly less general things, like more money or better health or happy relationships. But I think a published book is something that would fall under the category of being something specific, which depends largely on other people, and the more something depends on other people the harder it is to manifest. It says you can imagine specific outcomes, but don't become attached to them.
So now I'm mad, because I realize that if I properly use the powers of manifestation, I may end up deliriously happy, but I won't have a published book. God dammit.
When she told me this, it seemed wrong. I mean, I don't know if the whole law of attraction really works or not, it might, but what I mean is, it seemed wrong that you didn't have to actually do anything, it would just magically happen. Yesterday I had my mom buy me a book called Manifesting Change. I found out that I was right about that, that you have to imagine what you want, and then you have to do things that might move you in that general direction, and forces will go to work to make things eventually work out for you.
So anyway, I kept reading. I realized something from reading this book. Now I don't know if the law attraction really works, but if it does, the only thing that is really worth trying to manifest is happiness. Just happiness, which is very general. From what I can gather from reading the book, the more specific you make your requests the less likely they are to actually happen. Or if they do happen, the more likely they are to go wrong some how, and you may get what you tried to manifest, but you might not end up happy so it defeats the purpose.
So I realized that this was true, and it made sense, and I got angry. I was probably angry because I needed a piece of nicotine gum. So I'm sitting here chewing a piece of nicotine gum, and thinking about this. The reason it makes me angry is because I feel like if I just try to manifest happiness I won't get what I really want, which is a published book, and in the end I will just be merely happy, and I don't want to be happy, I want a published book. But this is silliness, because I thought having a published book would make me happy. And in the book Manifesting Change it talks about making attachments, which means being fixated on certain outcomes. Attachments aren't bad if they are about general things, like happiness, or even slightly less general things, like more money or better health or happy relationships. But I think a published book is something that would fall under the category of being something specific, which depends largely on other people, and the more something depends on other people the harder it is to manifest. It says you can imagine specific outcomes, but don't become attached to them.
So now I'm mad, because I realize that if I properly use the powers of manifestation, I may end up deliriously happy, but I won't have a published book. God dammit.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Tarot Cards
Dammit, I wish I could find my tarot cards. I'm at home right now, I thought they were with my old college stuff but I failed to locate them. I have questions I need answers to. Oh well, instead of playing with them I'll write about them. I hope my mom will buy me a new deck.
I first met my deck of tarot cards my senior year of high school. My boyfriend at the time brought them to school. He was reading peoples' fortunes, and let's just say he didn't know how to use tarot cards. Of course, I didn't either, having never used, touched, or probably even seen tarot cards before in my life. But I felt damn sure that I was a hell of a lot more fit to draw cards than he was, for some reason. So I took the deck from him, pulled a random card from the center of the deck (which was what I had decided was the right way to use tarot cards), and handed it to him without looking at it. He turned it over: Lovers. Thus proving I had tarot card talent.
I took the deck from him and held on to it. Now it was my own. Dammit, I wish I could find it. We were at lunch during my senior year, and that same boyfriend wanted me to draw a card to represent the future of our relationship. So I did: Desolation. He got upset, told me I had somehow rigged it, and wanted me to draw again. "Dude, you don't just dismiss the answer and draw again just because you don't like the card you got." Anyway, I did draw again: Change. This one didn't upset him as much. We broke up a few months later, so I guess you could say both desolation and change were correct.
Another time, I was talking to a girl on IM when she started yelling at me and insulting me. So I started drawing cards for her, trying to read her fortune. Except, I think I was actually reading my fortune instead. I drew despair and conflict. I was in a conflict that actually deeply upset me.
So when I went off to college, I took my tarot cards with me. Actually, I think I brought them back to college with me after winter break. At any rate, I had them right before I was kicked out of my dorm. I was worried I was going to be kicked out and I definitely didn't want that, so I was drunk and I was drawing cards. Being drunk may inhibit psychic abilities but it doesn't seem to hinder card-drawing abilities. So I was sitting in my dorm room, drawing card after card after card. Every single card I drew was a card I considered to be negative. I did get kicked out, so I was consistently drawing the correct answer.
Right before I became delusional, I was consistently drawing cards that told me the same thing. Then, when I thought the special event had happened but I didn't know for sure, I was drawing cards, over and over again. More often than not, I would draw domination. I took that as a sign that it had happened. It hadn’t happened, but the spirits wanted me to believe it had. Still, I wanted more proof. The story ends with me going crazy/being taken over by a spiritual influence.
After these events, I would draw cards. Yet, I started to feel that whatever cards I would draw were just purely random, and not influenced by spirits at all. And they probably were. The end.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Interference With Free Will
The question of whether or not we have free will is one of them philosophical questions that has been widely debated. I'm not going to discuss that in this entry. Today I'm going to tell you that you have free will, but it is tampered with by spirits. I know this, because I have all the answers, of course, being the spirit girl and all.
I have been told and I have read that spirits/angels/whatever are not allowed to interfere with your life unless you ask them to, via prayer. Not so, not so. No, I don't have all the answers, but I believe that that statement is false. Spirits have the potential to influence you in ways that are massive and huge, without you asking them to.
I don't want to get into book info in this entry. But, part of the reason I believe that I was influenced by spirits is the way in which things fitted together. How, I've said in the past, one spirit-induced event led to another spirit-induced event (when my mom read the entry where I said that, she asked me if by "spirit" I meant alcohol, haha). Actually, I'll give a vague, small example of this from my book. Spirits can tell you to look at things. Sometimes, they tell you to take certain fortune cookies. This happened, I took the fortune cookie, it got me thinking, led me to do something, and that led to other stuff. If I had never done this, I would never have become delusional, never have gone to Innercept, none of that shit would have ever happened. So I felt influenced to do something, and later I was able to see why I was influenced to do it.
The thing about when spirits influence you is, sometimes you notice, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are able to look back and see that when you did something in particular, it was unnatural. Most of the time, you don't notice. You think it's coming from inside of you. It is coming from inside of you actually, but that's because the spirit has gotten inside your head. Most of the time it's subtle, and you don't notice. Then, it tries to get you to do something you really don't want to do. This is when it screams at you, and it is obvious now that you are being influenced. It convinces you it's on your side, and that something good will happen as a result. And you trust this spirit, because you think it's your friend, and that you were somehow blessed with this special friend inside your head. Then, it leads to badness, and magically awesome supernatural messianic experiences. Dammit, I've gotten into too much book information. And I know to a lot of people I sound crazy. If I cared about sounding crazy, I wouldn't have even probably started this blog.
Anyway, they can tell you to do something harmless like merely look at something, and you don't even think before doing it because what harm can come from looking? They can suggest things to you, put ideas in your head, and usually you think they are coming from your own brain. They can affect your emotions, which in turn affects your actions. They can affect what you say and write and the exact way you word things. They can make you hear things. When I heard things though, it was always very obvious to me that they were inside my head.
But that's all I'll say about my personal experience. Now onto more theories. It's because of the power that spirits can have over you that prayers have the ability to work. You can pray for something, and as a result a spirit/angel may take action, devising a plan through influencing people to do things that lead to a specific outcome. Prayer isn't just magic, and spirits aren't all bad. A lot of times people pray for things that require action on someone else's part. That person never asked to be influenced, but they can be influenced. So, it kind of interferes with their free will.
Ssss.... pirits.
I have been told and I have read that spirits/angels/whatever are not allowed to interfere with your life unless you ask them to, via prayer. Not so, not so. No, I don't have all the answers, but I believe that that statement is false. Spirits have the potential to influence you in ways that are massive and huge, without you asking them to.
I don't want to get into book info in this entry. But, part of the reason I believe that I was influenced by spirits is the way in which things fitted together. How, I've said in the past, one spirit-induced event led to another spirit-induced event (when my mom read the entry where I said that, she asked me if by "spirit" I meant alcohol, haha). Actually, I'll give a vague, small example of this from my book. Spirits can tell you to look at things. Sometimes, they tell you to take certain fortune cookies. This happened, I took the fortune cookie, it got me thinking, led me to do something, and that led to other stuff. If I had never done this, I would never have become delusional, never have gone to Innercept, none of that shit would have ever happened. So I felt influenced to do something, and later I was able to see why I was influenced to do it.
The thing about when spirits influence you is, sometimes you notice, sometimes you don't. Sometimes you are able to look back and see that when you did something in particular, it was unnatural. Most of the time, you don't notice. You think it's coming from inside of you. It is coming from inside of you actually, but that's because the spirit has gotten inside your head. Most of the time it's subtle, and you don't notice. Then, it tries to get you to do something you really don't want to do. This is when it screams at you, and it is obvious now that you are being influenced. It convinces you it's on your side, and that something good will happen as a result. And you trust this spirit, because you think it's your friend, and that you were somehow blessed with this special friend inside your head. Then, it leads to badness, and magically awesome supernatural messianic experiences. Dammit, I've gotten into too much book information. And I know to a lot of people I sound crazy. If I cared about sounding crazy, I wouldn't have even probably started this blog.
Anyway, they can tell you to do something harmless like merely look at something, and you don't even think before doing it because what harm can come from looking? They can suggest things to you, put ideas in your head, and usually you think they are coming from your own brain. They can affect your emotions, which in turn affects your actions. They can affect what you say and write and the exact way you word things. They can make you hear things. When I heard things though, it was always very obvious to me that they were inside my head.
But that's all I'll say about my personal experience. Now onto more theories. It's because of the power that spirits can have over you that prayers have the ability to work. You can pray for something, and as a result a spirit/angel may take action, devising a plan through influencing people to do things that lead to a specific outcome. Prayer isn't just magic, and spirits aren't all bad. A lot of times people pray for things that require action on someone else's part. That person never asked to be influenced, but they can be influenced. So, it kind of interferes with their free will.
Ssss.... pirits.
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