Emotions that Eat You Up

I talked to my sister last night. While the conversation wasn't particularly long or in depth it stirred up a bunch of different emotions in me and affected me on a bunch of different levels. There's too much stuff to discuss it all in this entry, so I'm trying to think of what topic I should zero in on.

My sister lets jealousy eat her up. I personally let humiliation eat me up, which then leads to anger eating me up because I fear that people are judging me based on the things I've done that I'm embarrassed about so I make the assumption that that's the reason that they have done certain things, which I don't really know but I naturally assume it's for the reason that makes me most angry. For the most part though I'm actually pretty optimistic. But that's me, back to my sister.

It's funny because I can't really relate to being eaten up by jealousy. One time this guy I liked started dating this girl I didn't like, but it's not like I wanted to trade places with that girl because I wouldn't have wanted to be such a nasty bitch (at this point I laugh to myself). Mostly I'm just jealous of girls that are more attractive than me, which in my opinion is the great majority of girls, but I don't care so much anymore because that's the beauty of getting past adolescence, you start to discover non-appearance related things you like about yourself like mad computer programming skills or the ability to dream up crazy awesome fictional scenarios and believe they're true. Wait, maybe that's not a good thing.

Anyway, my sister is jealous of people who have are getting married or who are already married. It's funny, because even though my life is completely devoid of romance (which would be okay if I hadn't found someone actually really desperately wanted to be with), it doesn't even occur to me to be jealous of other people who are married or engaged. If I knew they felt the same way about their partner that I felt about certain people (singular) maybe I would be jealous. But I don't know that. I don't know how they feel. I'm convinced some people get married just for the hell of it. But even if that's not the case and they really are in love and happy out of their minds, than whatever. That's cool for them.

My sister, however, is unhappy and the idea that other people are happy not only makes her jealous, but pisses her off. Because she sees their lives as easy and her life as hard and painful.

I tell her that she doesn't know what kind of issues they personally deal with, which is true but I think there might be some truth to what she thinks. I think the solution to her negative attitude is the same thing that made me stop thinking obsessively about suicide. It comes from reading spiritual books. Basically, life isn't a party. Life isn't about having a good time, it's about spiritual growth and learning lessons. When you endure hardships you grow spiritually. I really do believe this, but even if it's not true it's a good thing to believe because it gets you through the hard times and there might be much better times awaiting you.

There was more on my mind, but that's all I'm saying for now.

Half-Baked Ideas

I mentioned in my last post that I'm writing another book. I've decided to discuss this topic in more depth.

First off, I anticipate a great amount of success with my first book. I won't go into the reasons right now as to why I think it will be successful but I definitely do. So I'm thinking ahead and I'm thinking I'll push out a second book when the first book is still popular.

This isn't just a money making scheme though, as the second book is important. The first book basically states what happened. The second book discusses why it matters. I can't fit this into the first book because it's already too long, and I might have to trim some stuff from the first book anyway and I don't really want to trim anything.

I have a bunch of half-baked ideas floating around in my head. I'm thinking that when I actually get to putting these ideas down on paper they will be baked fully, and if not the process of putting them down on paper will allow them to mature. These ideas, as is anything that I include in a book that is not yet published, are of course top secret.

But I'll beat around the bush some. So I have this fascination with the religious right. I'm not sure why these people fascinate me so but they do. They have this biblical view of the world. This book I'm writing discusses a bunch of things, but I don't think it will discuss them. However, the existence of these people got me thinking and made me decide to write the book, which will discuss things I learned from being delusional. What I hope is that now I have something I didn't have in the past and that's integrity. I like being vague.

Thinking about it as I'm writing this, I think I might call the book Ceilings. The half-baked idea behind this is that the fact that people only believe in science puts them underneath a ceiling. So the truth is, I'm not criticizing people for having a biblical view of the world. These people don't live underneath a ceiling. However, they have very old-fashioned views of the world. That's the bad thing.

I think I might need to do some research.

Rick Perry, Gays, and Global Warming

So I've been discovering the wonders of taking Zyprexa as a prn (in case you don't know a prn is a medication you take as needed). Actually, being Zyped isn't that wonderful (I made up the term Zyped), but it's not as bad as I thought it was before. One of the staff here told me that Zyprexa inhibits the reuptake of serotonin, which would mean that it should actually make you feel better. Knowing this makes the experience of being on Zyprexa more pleasant. It feels the same only now it's not bad. Yes, it's all mental. Zyprexa is an antipsychotic that is supposed to decrease psychosis and delusional thinking.

I was on the writer's forum that I go to, and someone posted a link to an article about people who think our acceptance of gays is causing natural disasters (and 9/11). Now, this wouldn't be a big deal if the people we were talking about were just the Westboro Baptist Church. But it's people associated with Rick Perry, one of the Republican forerunners. Which is freaking scary, because he could be our next president. I'm thinking that he could be worse than Bush.

Yeah, so apparently some people on the right have noticed the increase in natural disasters. Instead of the obvious culprit, global warming, they blame the gays. Why are some people so fucking stupid? I mean, I don't want to be a hater, but seriously.

So anyway, I start thinking about this and I go back to thinking about my delusions. These people can't use their own judgment to see that homosexuality is a victimless (non)crime, and therefore really isn't a problem. But since it says something in the bible about homosexuality, they blindly trust what the bible says. My delusions were about religious fundamentalists and global warming. Basically, one of the premises behind my delusions was that religious fundamentalism makes global warming worse, because of stupid god damn values voters, who vote the way they do because of issues like gay marriage. I remember the 2004 election well, and I'm of the opinion that Bush would not have been re-elected if it weren't for values voters and gay marriage. The idea behind my delusions was not that Democrats are right about every issue across the board, but they are right about the most important issue, which is global warming. And while I may have been delusional, I still believe this.

Anyway, I was thinking about some other things too, but I think I'll just leave it there. On a different but related note, I've decided to write another book where I reflect more on my delusions and the experience of being delusional. I feel this may be even more important than my first book, but my first book is necessary back story.

Stressed Out and At Ease

I'm going through some sort of midlife crisis in my sleep. I keep dreaming that I'm getting old. I think I'm convinced that life ends when you turn 30.

Besides that, I am both stressed out and at ease when it comes to getting published. I'm stressed out because trying to write a query for my book that people on the writing message board like seems near impossible. Still, I respect their opinion because it's probably similar to the opinion of the agents who will read it, and if I can impress the people on the message board then I might be able to impress an agent.

So this task I'm facing is tricky. At the same time, I feel strangely confident that there is really nothing to worry about and that my book will be published. It wouldn't matter if the people on the message board told me that the subject of my memoir sucked (which they haven't, they've told me it sounds interesting), it wouldn't phase me because of how freaking confident I feel about this.

And I'm wondering where all this confidence came from, if it came from somewhere outside myself. It doesn't matter where it came from right now though, the important thing is that it is the thing that is keeping me from giving up.

I think I might be worried that I'm wasting too much of my life at Innercept.

An Irrational Sort of Hope

So, some stuff has happened in the past week.

As I was logging into my email account last Monday, I remember thinking that today was the day I would receive the response from the literary agent who was reading my book, and I wasn't feeling thrilled. Well it was the day, and it was a form rejection. It took her four months to respond, which might not be a long time for some agents but her average response time seems to be about two months or less. I was expecting at least some helpful criticism, but there was nothing. Just a form rejection. She at least acknowledged that it was a memoir, so it was her form rejection for memoir/nonfiction.

Anyway, it didn't get me down right away. I was still feeling a little cheery, like "time to send out more queries!" I used a new approach: personalizing the query to the agent. I sent out three on Monday. On Tuesday, I checked my email. Two form rejections. This is when I got frustrated. And I cursed the publishing gods and this maddening process of trying to get published. Trying to get published was even more maddening than the time I actually went crazy! I went home and took some zyprexa, as I was overstimulated. I went to sleep.

Wednesday was the day when new hope blossomed inside me. I went back to the writing forum I used to be on. I decided I would post my query there for feedback. But I needed 50 posts before I was permitted to. I just now got 50 posts today, right before I started writing this blog, but it said it might take up to an hour to register that I have 50 posts thus why I am taking a break and writing a blog entry. On Wednesday I remembered that my sister gave me advice about my query. The source of the advice is questionable, by that I mean I don't know if it came from her or from the spirits. See, my sister is more in touch with the spirits, like a hell of a lot more than I am. But I took the advice on this query, and added more to the query I was using. After all, it did get me a full request to begin with, so there must be something right about it. It might be that it's too short.

So I hold onto this hope. And right now all I have is hope. Luckily, all I really need is hope. I thought about it, and there are two things, which together mean I will eventually succeed at this: first off, the spirits have been pushing me to get my book published. Not just me, but my sister too. I was feeling this push earlier this year, but I was skeptical of what I was feeling. Then I talked to my sister, and she said she felt a push to push me to get published. I realized the push was real. And when you believe a feeling is real, that makes the feeling stronger, or so I've learned through experience. But anyway, that's the first thing, which in itself doesn't mean I will be published, but what it does mean is that the spirits know that I have the ability to succeed at this. The second thing is that I have honestly been doing the best I know how to do. I have been giving it my best effort, and I know the spirits wouldn't expect me to do any better than that. Therefore, I will succeed.

Shifting Energy

So it's happening again. I feel my personal energy shifting, and I feel like certain things are going to happen. If I told someone at Innercept about this, they would probably thing I was referring to petty matters like moving into aftercare. Yes, that's going to happen but that's not what this energy shift is about.

Energy shifts are easiest to identify by paying attention to what kind of music you feel like listening to. At least, that's how it works for me. I use music to enhance my mood. When I want to enhance my mood, I face the challenge of having to pick the right song from my iPod. Sometimes I get it right, and I say silently to myself that I made a good choice. Sometimes I pick wrong, and I either listen anyway or pick a different song. Sometimes I get frustrated and give up, I turn off my iPod and remove my headphones from my ears and let them hang around my neck.

The song Unwrittten by Natasha Bedingfield is a meaningful song to me. It's a song about being inspired and writing. People who know I wrote a book would probably think that the reason it is meaningful to me is because I'm a writer, but that's actually not the reason. Rather, it's because of an event that's in my book, where I had to write a livejournal entry. I feel that Natasha Bedingfield wrote this song about me. This song was also making its rotation on the radio during the same period of time that I wrote the livejournal entry, which was during the early months of the year 2006.

I have my set of songs I listen to when I feel like I am the messiah, and then I have the set of songs which remind me of events from my book. Lately I've been listening to the book set, not the messiah set. When I listen to the messiah set now, it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. I've also been listening to a lot of cheery music, mostly by female artists.

But music choices aside, I remain frustrated by how long this is taking. Of course, that's what you have to deal with when you're a writer: the publishing process is painfully slow. The life of an agent or publisher is very busy.

I think very highly of the content of my book. Not because of the writing itself, though I've been told the writing is book. But I can vividly imagine this book becoming popular. I imagine it being turned into a movie, only the movie would be about how it would be if my delusions were actually true, so it wouldn't be about a delusional girl but rather about a girl who was the messiah. And most of all, I imagine people making fun of it. But I don't mean that in a bad way, actually it's a good thing. I imagine things from my book becoming overused and cliche.

Old and New Energies

So I don't live in my apartment yet but I wish I did. Innercept has been jerking me around. I went there yesterday though.

I wanted a double papasan chair. It would be for cuddling. My parents bought me a broken one at a garage sale that they plan on fixing. Right now there is a red double papasan cushion sitting in my apartment where the chair will eventually be. I'm broken when it comes to romantic relationships.

There is random stuff from college sitting around. A cushion that was in my dorm that I didn't use for anything, but I like for some reason. It doesn't match the decor, but for some reason I think it does. But it doesn't.

I have the desk chair I used in college, a cheap one that has history. I remember people who sat in the chair. I remember things that happened when I was sitting in the chair. I'm very sentimental. These thoughts struck me when I was with my mentor and I felt sad.

I have the Rubik's cube I solved at college, right before I became delusional. The solving of the Rubik's cube was symbolic in my delusional world, but in real life I'm not sure what it symbolizes. I have the blue water flippy toy I used as inspiration for my book cover idea.

I have a vase with red sticks that I brought from my room at home. I'm not sure what energy this brings to my apartment. I have a fern that my mom gave me which I named Farrah. I have other stuff too, obviously.

All this stuff sits in my apartment, even though I don't. And the energies combine, and they are creating my new life.