Romantic Neurosis

I have this problem. I feel like I can never live in the moment. It's like, I'm always waiting for something better than this current moment.

Why can't I be satisfied in the moment? Now matter how happy I am, I always have to feel like we are just passing time, waiting for something better to happen.

What am I waiting for? Death? Heaven? Or love? ...Maybe I'm waiting for love.

If those romantic notions are true. Like, once you discover the person for you, you fall in love with them, and as long as you have each other, nothing else matters. But is that really how it is? No, that's not really how it is.

Maybe it is because, now, I'm incomplete, when I am in love, I will be complete.

Is that really how it is? For most people, it's not. Maybe it's because most married couples aren't really in love.

Love is like the ultimate goal in life. Maybe the reason I can't live in the moment is because I'm a romantic person at heart. And I feel my inner incompleteness.

It seems to me that when you are in love, everything you do, you do for your partner. You take a shower, you are staying clean for your partner. When you work out, you work out for your partner. When you go to work and make money, you do that for your partner too. Everything is for your partner. You become the best person you can be, and the reason is because you love your partner and you think they deserve the best person they can possibly have.

Romanticism can bring out the best in us. But it is also a form of neurosis. Romantic people are neurotic. They are too dependent on that other person and not dependent enough on themselves.

Can you be not neurotic and romantic? Sure, you can fake it. But the more you care about someone else, the more of your own power you give away. You can't control what someone else does, their decisions. What if they decide to take up heroin? Maybe they'd never do that, but who knows. You can't make someone else's decisions for them. So when you are in love with someone, you give away power over your own happiness.

The most stable people, perhaps, are alone. But is that stability? Because you have that missing piece, and that might drive you crazy. Everything you do, you do for your partner. Perhaps you keep ahold of your sanity solely for your partner.

What's better to do is, take that social aspect of you, the part that cares about other people and wants to be liked, and spread it out more evenly. So you care mildly about a great number of people, but not excessively about just one.

I don't know

Valentine's Day Creepy Romantic Bullshit

Well, so it's Valentine's Day. And in light of Valentine's Day, I guess I'll write on the subject of romance.

Except, this isn't really a very romantic post. I wanted to write on the subject of people who are obsessed with other people.

What makes someone obsessed? Well, it seems to me, it is an obsession if the feeling isn't mutual.

So you meet someone, and you feel an instant connection. Right away, you know you want to be in a relationship with this person. This doesn't happen often. In fact, this never happens. It's hard to find someone you are truly interested in. But you did, and wham!

The reason you fell for this person is because you really enjoy being around this person. And right away, you are willing to dedicate yourself to this person. Not like, marry them, but you want to try out a relationship, and you hope it will last.

But the feeling isn't mutual. The trouble is, you saw what you saw in this person, something you don't see in many people. You can't just let go because you really, really like this person. Is this a sign of weakness? Is really liking someone a sign of weakness?

These are questions I once asked myself, back when I was obsessed with that one person. Sure, I've moved on now, but back in the day I felt like a creep.

Because I didn't really know this guy. I hung out with him a few times. I noticed something. Everytime I hung out with him, I was high. Not on drugs, though sometimes I was high on those also. But I was just ridiculously happy.

It happened really, really fast. And almost faster than that, he started treating me like shit. Because he was a weirdo. A fucking weirdo. But I was okay with that. I liked him. I was willing to stick with him, despite his weirdo ways. I barely knew him though. But I knew that I was happy when I was around him. It's the kind of thing where, you know right away. You know right away if you really like someone or not. You know right away if someone is worth your time.

I thought he was worth my time. But he treated me like shit all the time after that. So was he really worth my time? No. But I couldn't move on.

Is this a sign of weakness? Being dedicated to another person, who isn't dedicated to you? Is knowing right off the bat that you want to be with someone a bad thing? Are these feelings supposed to take time to develop?

I don't know. I don't think so. I think finding someone you really want to spend time with is a positive thing.

The thing about me is, while I like pretty much everyone. I like anyone who doesn't have a problem with me. I'm not often annoyed by people. People don't get on my nerves much, but then again I don't deal a lot with people. I dislike most people who have a problem with me. Except for this guy. Anyway, what I was going to say is, while I like people, it's difficult for me to allocate the energy needed to actually give a crap about them. It's just way too exhausting to care about other people all the time. It's hard enough, making myself happy. Damn, that's hard! But then I'm expected to not only make myself happy, but my happiness also has to be dependent on the happiness of other people. Shit! I'm never going to be happy now, if that's what it takes to be happy! So I just don't even bother.

But I gave a crap about this guy. And it was a mistake.

Anyway, so I had delusions about this guy. Which made me more fixated. And I wrote him while I was delusional, and he blocked me, eventually. But I still liked him. So am I a creep now? I don't like, stalk him or anything. Stalking to me seems utterly pointless. But I think about him, and I have trouble with relationships because I have a hard time liking other people.

So this is actually a very romantic story. I would have dedicated myself to this guy. I thought about this guy. I longed for this guy. I had dreams about this guy. But him and I would never be together. Never be together. Never be together.

So it seems like the safest thing to do is to never like anyone. But that's easier said than done.