Silly Neurofeedback

First, I wanted to clarify something. I said in a comment awhile ago that I hate it when people comment and I don't know who they are. What I meant was, I hate it when people comment, and it is someone I know in real life, and they don't tell me who they are. If it's someone I don't know in real life, they can comment and that's fine and I don't care to know who it is. I like it when people comment on my blog. There was just one person who said they knew me from Facebook who commented, and I didn't know who they were, and that kind of annoyed me. If I know you in real life, I like to know who you are. Anyway.

So I was telling my parents, I have less intrusive thoughts now. The intrusive thoughts being the words that randomly enter my brain, at random times, like a word I read in a book, or just a completely random word that comes out of nowhere, and makes me anxious. It turns into an insult directed at me. Anyway, this doesn't happen anymore. I have had less anxiety as a whole.

My mom was sure that this must be due to the neurofeedback. The doctor said no. It was probably more likely due to stopping the Ativan. Yes, that's probably what it was. What the fuck has the neurofeedback done? It doesn't help me sleep better. I've been sleeping like shit. It makes the Adderall affect me less.

It may have increased my IQ. I was just sitting here thinking about it, and I remembered that. So now you know what I want to do? I want to go test my IQ. So I think that's what I'll do.

When the High Fizzles Out

So, I've been taking Adderall every day. However, it's not as fun as it used to be.

It used to make me high. And so, for awhile after I took it, I would sit around, feeling good about myself, and about everything in my life, and everything that's happened so far in my life. Because that's what Adderall does. It makes you feel good about absolutely everything.

For years, and years and years, I took it, and felt this way. Now, I take it, but I hardly feel any different at all.

How does this make me feel?

Well, when I first realized it didn't have that effect anymore, I was like, "hey, cool! Now I can just work! Without that distraction of that feeling, the feeling that just makes me sit around and feel good about everything!"

This is what I said at first. I'm not saying it now. Honestly, I kind of miss it. I miss not having to do anything, to have anything good at all going on in my life, for me to feel good. I miss just feeling good, in the moment. Happy in the now. Because when I was on Adderall, I wasn't waiting for some time in the future, whenever that was, when I would supposedly be happy. I wasn't waiting for anything. I was feeling good in the now. I was having fun in the now. I was happy in the now. The closest I came to being happy.

So how do I feel now, now that I don't get that feeling anymore, hardly at all? I miss it. See, the reason I don't get it anymore is because of the neurofeedback. It makes me regret ever getting neurofeedback.

But is it such a bad thing, that I don't feel this way anymore? I begin to recognize why people hate Adderall. It makes you feel happy, for no reason. You feel good about things. You are more likely to express out loud all the thoughts that go through your head that make you feel good. You express them out loud, and other people don't want to hear it, they realize that this stuff you feel good about, isn't good at all. You are just doped up.

Sure it feels good, feeling good about everything. But it isn't normal. It doesn't allow for normal growth of character. You don't see things realistically. You see everything through your rose-colored Adderall glasses.

It makes me look back, and wonder. Every single day I attended high school, I was really high off this shit. What if I hadn't had it? Maybe, I wouldn't have been so comfortable, inside my own head. Maybe I would have reached out, looking for happiness, instead of having it already by myself inside my own head. Maybe I would have been more social, joined a club, did something.

On the contrary though, I did do something. I programmed. At home, on my computer. This is good. This was something I did that I was proud of. Would I have done it without Adderall? Probably not. I probably wouldn't have had the patience.

So it's hard to say. I don't really know. Would I have been better off without Adderall? Maybe, or I may have just turned out emo. Thank God I didn't turn out emo! I would have been like, all suicidal in shit. Is that better than fakely happy? No, I don't think so. I'd prefer fakely happy.

So anyway, that's the past. There is no telling what would be better. Now, we are living in the here and now. The drugs, while they still do something, so I will continue to take them, don't make me feel good about myself any more. So what do I do? How do I feel good about myself, without the drugs? Well, I will just have to turn to my other favorite drug... productivity. And do something with my creative endeavors, and make something I can be proud of, that other people will like and appreciate. I need to make progress on these things every day.

Except, now I am limited by the God damn sprite kit and it's lack of functionality. God fucking damn.

Spiritual Brain Zappings

Sometime in the spring of last year I began a procedure that could raise my IQ by 15 points. Brain zapping. Also known as, neurofeedback.

I was told I have brain damage. Perhaps, everyone has brain damage. But this brain damage could be fixed by putting electrodes on my head and on my ear lobes, and administering mild amounts of electricity.

This would make me smarter, improve my brain, help improve my concentration, maybe lessen my anxiety, and the list of benefits could go on and on and on.

The first time I did it, I only noticed a slightly more spiritual feeling afterwards. The next time, it was even more intense. Sometimes it's really intense! This spiritual feeling I feel after the brain zapping.

It used to be that when I got zapped, I would laugh randomly. At nothing. I would laugh at nothing at all. My mind was blank. But I would laugh. At nothing.

You feel different emotional feelings when you are getting zapped.

After a spiritual zapping, the moment feels deeper. There is depth to life. Emotional depth. It all seems so cool, and meaningful, and worthwhile. I could never get bored with this life, feeling all the emotional depth to it.

It clears up repetitive thinking patterns. When your brain gets caught on repeat. Except, sometimes my brain still gets caught on repeat!

More recently, I don't laugh or do anything at all when I get neurofeedback. But the last time I got it, I felt different afterwards. My brain felt more alive. And now, I don't feel more spiritual, but I feel more life and more positive about life. And I feel that really, really good things are going to happen to be soon. I just have to be patient, but more important, work hard on my projects. I need to work really hard on my projects and great things will happen!

Spirits.