Mind-Blowing Bouts of Crazy Delusional Thinking

So I'd like to take some time to discuss old issues. Old, delusional issues.

A nice way to combat insecurity and feelings of being judged is with arrogance. That's what I did when I was delusional and my delusional world wasn't going my way. I just decided that I was better than everyone else. I was better than all those mean, cruel, imaginary people.

So I combat feelings of insecurity about being delusional with arrogance. What happens is, first I get mad because other people don't understand what I experienced. Than I realize that what I experienced was so mind-blowing it would be really difficult for other people to understand who haven't experienced it. Then I take pity on them, them poor folk who haven't had their minds blown by intense bouts of crazy delusional thinking.

The thing about being delusional is, or at least one of the things about being delusional is, it isn't pure insanity. There is rationality too. Delusional thoughts and actions rest on the rationality.

Actually, I don't know if I've written about this before, but I'm going to write about it again anyway. One of the things they ask you is "why you?" Why are you the special messiah or whatever? Well, it has to be someone. You've been given this great responsibility, and you must follow through with your spiritual mission. For a long period of my life I hardly even talked. I didn't even trust myself to speak. I needed to learn to trust myself. To trust myself above other people.

I kind of think people thought I was more out of it than I actually was. When I was first becoming delusional, I was writing on my livejournal. I knew full well that writing certain things made me look crazy as fuck. I didn't care. I didn't realize that what I was doing was very dangerous. I didn't realize how important it was to my parents that I appear sane and reasonable, and that they could follow what I was saying and understand what I was talking about.

My dad deleted part of my livejournal because of it. I'm over it now but I still think it's kind of weird. True, I was a bit messed up in the head, but I knew what I was saying. I mean, I had some idea what I was saying, it came out sounding a lot more crazy than I intended but it doesn't really matter. I knew full well that repeatedly addressing this one guy and acting like he was reading when as far as anyone could tell he wasn't made me look like I had lost my marbles. The thing was, I didn't even want to say the stuff I was saying. I was pushing myself very hard to say the stuff I was saying. It took guts to say the stuff I was saying. I was proud of myself. To repeatedly act like this guy was reading when there was no sign that he was reading, to spew religious and God related bullshit when I came from an atheistic family.

I knew exactly what I was doing.

A Dark Abyss

So I've already made a post today but I feel like writing another one. This one will probably not make very much sense to a lot of people.

With me there are a lot of emotions associated with facebook. At times it has been an abyss of negative emotions, where I would swim in a very dark kind of negativity that made me suicidal.

I am not suicidal right now, I was just messing around on facebook and I was thinking about this.

There was a time when if someone made any sort of comment about someone being creepy on facebook, I would go into the closet and cry. Then I realized that my circumstances were different. Still, the paranoia about what other people would think eats me up.

There was a time when I couldn't even go on facebook. Then there was a time when I could, but I couldn't directly look at my friends list. I would refresh my profile page many times, hoping that certain people would show up as one of the six friends of mine it showed, because that's how facebook worked at the time.

I'm not sure why I am so weirdly facebook sensitive. That's just how our culture has evolved I guess. I shouldn't care who still has me as a friend. But I do. It means a lot to me to see that I am still friends with people. And for the people who don't still have me as a friend who might know about me and my issues, it really bothers me. I don't know what the reason was. But if it has anything to do with my delusional issues or something I did or said while I was delusional, then I'd like to say that I hope all your children die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

Because it is so much of a struggle just keeping myself together because I am torn about with regret about everything. It's not because I'm bipolar. But I feel embarrassed all the time. Sometimes I am okay, but sometimes I just keep thinking about things that make me embarrassed and anything and everything makes me embarrassed, and it is like being tortured with electric shocks. And then when I am not thinking about things that make me embarrassed, I have this nagging feeling like there is something I should be thinking about that I should be feeling embarrassed about, and then I feel embarrassed, and I feel the electric shock feeling, even though I am not even thinking about anything.

As time goes by it gets easier to deal with and I develop more and more of a cushion that cushions me from feeling embarrassed all the time. But I don't forget things easily, and I will always remember the things that contributed to my deep horrible feelings of insecurity. And I will remember who didn't have me as a friend.

I don't really know why I even care though. I just think it is insensitive the way certain people are. And I know that this is my paranoia talking, because I am jumping to conclusions about why people did certain things.

I hope that I will one day rise above the insecurity and be happy being who I am, and all these negative feeling will just be a memory.