Quit! You did what? BOUT TIME!!!

How I miss the dopamine. It is a wonderful chemical, which leads to concentration, fun, and the cherished ability to do goal-oriented stuff.

My parents don't understand the dopamine. They say, Rachel, you drink too much caffeine! You are going to overload and kill us all! Caffeine overconsumption! Caffeine overconsumption!

They say, no energy drinks. They kill your brain, make you MANIC! And you are already manic Rachel, look at all those funny hand motions you are making! Manic all the way!

I say, fuck off, Beev! Fuck off, Meeke! You know what I did earlier this year? Do you remember? I quit taking Adderall! And you know what Adderall does? It is far worse in terms of stimulants than energy drinks, BY FAR!!! Don't give me that crappy explanation, "oh, we don't know what all is in them!"

Well, we know what is in Adderall, and it is all bad. There is nothing worse in Rockstar than there is in Adderall. Adderall takes the bad drug cake. So I think a Rockstar a day is preferable to an Adderall a day. The other thing is, I used to do both! At the same time! And sometimes drink and smoke weed. But I don't do these things anymore. So, where are we going with this argument? Do you have some sort of point? Are you trying to say I am doing poorly in the drug department? I QUIT FUCKING ADDERALL!!! DOES THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?! I WAS A DRUG ADDICT!!

A DRUG ADDICT!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!
A DRUG ADDICT!!!!!!!!!
WORSE THAN YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!!

And of my own accord, with some help from the dreaded, horrific, imaginary spirit guides, I quit it!!

"She admits it! They are imaginary! There you go Rachel, you know your delusions aren't true!! You now it!!!"

They do not get it. I am a recovering drug addict to Adderall. They don't know about my past. They don't understand my internal dialogue about the drug, my addiction, my pheening (sp?) for the drugs, how awful, awful, awful it was when I was off it, all the things I would have done to get it... Yeah, I never bought it illegally, though. I guess I'm not a REAL drug addict.

So anyway, they do not understand that it is a major, major, MAJOR life change!! And to take it for granted. YES!!! THEY TAKE IT FOR GRANTED!! 'Bout time, Rach!!!

SHUT THE FUCK UP!! SOME CONGRATULATION IS IN ORDER!!
I don't need you to tell me congratulations, but this is something you need to do something nice in the head toward me for. That is it. That is all.

And my mother, she always misunderstands the problem. She always thinks, less stimulants, more depressants, like invega, lithium, bipolar meds, baby. Bipolar meds are the key to Rachel's success.

SHUT THE FUCK UP BEEV!!! She throws hissy fits about my caffeine consumption, my nicotine gum use. Please, these help, way more than you understand.

The problem isn't too much dopamine, the problem is not enough dopamine! I am severely, severely, SEVERELY deficient in dopamine! If only she knew the struggle I face on a daily basis, trying not to be embarrassed over nothing, nada, noodle head. Nothing at all. Always embarrassed, embarrassed, embarrassed,

SCREEEEECH!!!!!!

This is the sound of being constantly embarrassed by lack of dopamine.

Another thing about her. She is a weird girl in the room of death. Not for me, not my dad, herself. She believes she is not a good mom, but pretends that she will be one if she does things to control her only hope in life, which is me turning out like a good girl. Not independent, dependent on government handouts. Which is why I will never go back to school.

My dad does not agree with my mother's tactics, but whatever she says is law. He thinks, my mom said, no ID. She does not get her ID. My mom says, she drank a drink of cola and that is bad. He says, bad Rachel, no cola. That is how it works.

Free Will and the God Connection

So I wanted to talk some on free will. I used to like this page on facebook called The Flower of Life and Sacred Geometry. The reason I liked this page was because I liked the flower of life and sacred geometry. But then the page would post a bunch of crap and I unliked it because the stuff they posted was pissing me off.

So, one of the things they posted was about free will. What it said was, free will is just an illusion, because someone will always decide to do what they think will bring them the greatest amount of pleasure.

This partially true, partially false. It is true that you will only make decisions based on what will bring you the greatest amount of pleasure. That is, decisions regarding actions. But that's not where free will lies. Free will lies in the organization of the mind. So basically, to simplify what I am thinking, you choose what you think, how you think, and what outcome will bring you the most perceived pleasure is based on the way your mind is organized. The way that you chose to organize your mind.

So let's talk about choices and actions. When you make choices, you choose between two different things at a time. You break down each decision into a yes/no question. And then you answer a series of yes/no questions to arrive at your decision.

So say you were deciding between buying the shirt in red, blue, or yellow. First you would think, "Do I like the idea of owning this shirt in red?" And if the answer is yes, you would then ask, "Even though I like it in red, would I prefer it in blue?" If the answer is yes, then you would ask, "Would I like it even better in yellow than blue?"

You organize your mind. All action comes from God. God makes you do things.

Dopamine is what motivates your brain to act. Dopamine is also the pleasure brain chemical. Because it is pleasure that drives you to act. And all feelings of pleasure, on a spiritual level, come from God. So when you have more dopamine you have a stronger connection with God. I mean, in a certain sense. That doesn't mean that God loves you more. But what pleasure is on a spiritual level is connection with God.

So, what I was saying was, you think, God acts for you. Because God is what makes things happen on the physical plane.

I shall revisit this topic later.

Logic and Dopamine

I just got out of logic class, where I was reminded that logic is something I excel at. I whizzed through the in-class work because it was easy, finishing long before I think anyone else finished, so I sat there staring at the wall, and then the teacher came over and briefly looked over my work and declared that I was the professor. So now I'm a professor.

This triggers a lot of thoughts in me, like that the reason that I don't have the job isn't because of lack of skill but rather lack of education. I figured out the other day that I don't need all that many more credits to earn an Associate's degree, which is exciting to think that I could soon be something more than a high school graduate. Of course, I would then transfer to some other school and earn a Bachelor's degree, and maybe more if I felt like it. North Idaho College may have been good enough for Sarah Palin but it's not good enough for me.

But apart from that, remembering that I excelled at logic made me wonder why I'm not allowed to trust my own brain. For some reason, I have to rely on other people's opinions or conclusions on things, even though I have both higher intelligence and more information.

Yet I, being the professor and all, see flaws in this. I'm not sure how well being good at the kind of logic we were doing in class transfers over to examining my life. When my parents look at my life, they see a trouble teen who spiraled into a meltdown. That's not what I see. Sure, there were issues, but nothing that lead to a meltdown. I see supernatural occurences. More importantly, I see the reasons why these supernatural occurences happened. At least, I see how one odd spirit-induced event lead to another odd spirit-induced event. And this is where I feel like I might lose people, because in order to understand what I am saying I would actually have to give you examples, and that kind of stuff is top secret, at least for now.

But that's not to say that there wasn't faulty thinking. Boy, was there faulty thinking! I'm just saying, there are some serious gaps in the chemical imbalance theory.

In the end though, this misunderstanding comes down to chemicals. Brain chemicals have the ability to determine what a person deems as being probable. Someone with more dopamine sees more significance, and the more grandiose possibility seems more likely. People with less dopamine only accept ordinary and often pessimistic views of why things are. My mother has pessimistic thinking patterns and sees mostly negative traits in her daughters, especially my sister. Whenever my mom talks to me about her she says negative things. It's likely that her brain is unable to comprehend optimistic ideas. This is how I see things.

Adderall

So first off, I worked hard to get to the library so I could post this. Innercept won't let me use my laptop anymore so I can't use wifi at the gym. Staff didn't want me to go to the library today but I defied them. And then I grabbed a bus schedule that was apparently old, because I was going to catch the bus from the gym and I looked out the window 20 minutes before it was scheduled to arrive and there it was leaving. But dammit, I wanted to post this blog! So I tried to get to Riverstone in time to catch the bus from there, but I couldn't with all the damn crosswalks. Then I decided to walk the distance to NIC, because I was determined. I got there and the library was closed. Then I braved the wind and the rain to walk from there to the Coeur d'Alene public library. So here I am now. And dammit, I'm going to post this blog.

I made a decision a few days ago that I never thought I'd make. I've decided to go off Adderall.

Adderall is more than something I take for concentration, but it's also more than something I abuse to get a high. It made the world seem worthwhile back when life seemed dull and pointless, it gave me self-confidence back when I felt worthless. It's like I've been on crutches for the past ten years. Now, I feel like I might be strong enough to go off them. I was tested for nutritional deficiencies, and it was proven that I have an imbalance that means low dopamine, the happy neurotransmitter that Adderall increases (the one that also helps you focus). I've been taking supplements to correct this imbalance.

It's funny, because I can't believe I'm going to do this. I know myself and it's not something I would do. I might recognize that I don't need Adderall anymore, but normally I would continue taking it anyway just because I could. Honestly, I feel like this is my higher self or something greater than myself pushing this. I feel this urge to clean up my act.

I actually have a lot to say about this particular topic, but I'm not going to say very much. The reason is because I see this as the subject of my second book, because I think I have enough stuff to say that it could fill an entire book.