Suicide, Drugs, Changed Perspectives

I feel really uneasy about having any sort of "promotional" attitude at all about meth. Subbie just keeps saying, no I liked that one, no I liked that one, no I liked that one... (those Facebook statuses, I mean) How many people do I know on the other side who didn't regret committing suicide? It came up recently, just two, down from three. There was a woman, I never met her she was my sister's friend, Lorian. Just an everyday schmoo, not famous. She committed suicide awhile ago. Immediately afterwards, my sister went to the trusted family psychic Renee, because Kristen (my sister) wanted to know how she felt about the suicide and if she regretted it. Lorian said, "Death is no big deal." Just something she was thinking, natural part of existence. And then Renee wizzed her through a whole buncho of comments and things Grandma and Grandpa and relatives wanted to say, and Kristen was left without answers to the question she wanted to know, did Lorian regret it? Before it came up that Lorian didn't but Kristen would and she didn't want to tell her that. Just recently Lorian pointed out to me, it's not that clear-cut at all. Actually, she does regret it. Yes she does. Just sometimes, she doesn't know. Actually, what she said was, "I wish instead of killing myself that night I had gone out and tried meth." Yes, she regrets it. There's a collective unconscious story, it was actually represented in a movie that was popular when I was in seventh grade and I don't remember the name of the movie. It was a fantasy movie, and there are two "unattractive" peasants, a woman and a man, who have a wish granted that they become beautiful. I don't remember what happens next, but eventually the spell is taken off, they go back to looking the way they did before, and they look at each other and ask each other, "Am I still beautiful?" And they both tell each other yes. It's a reference to a collective unconscious story about when doing a drug once can sometimes make a breakthrough change in your perspective and the way you think. There's a collective unconscious story for that situation. So, Lorian also regretted killing herself. That's the "doot doot doot Lorian news update doot doot doot."

Fire... Fire!!

I had a dream in my youth. Subbie says I was five. I barely remember this dream, it happened so, so long ago... My mom, my sister, and I, were travelling wolf women... Hunters, or gathers, and in the middle of the night we were creeping. Where were we creeping? We wandered across the street, across the OTHER street, not to Patty and Debi's house, the other street, since we were on a corner... Into the house of some neighbors we didn't even know. We creeped through the house. In the house, there was a fire pit. Or was it a rocking chair? Or what was it? It was a rocking fire pit, or the Fire of Desire... Actually, in the collective unconscious, there is a special spirit word for "rocking fire pit"... As I sit and reminisce, on this dream, which only appeared in my memory upon memory jogging... I am drawn to the fire. Drawn in, and in, and it pulls me in, and I want it. That fire shows your heart's desire. What is your heart's desire? It didn't show me anything at all, and it still pulls me in today, when I think of that dream. That emotion of desire, still comes up in my mind, as I think about the dream today. So long ago, the same, as it was back then, that dream...

Best Argument For God, Simply Stated

It came up one time in math class in 9th grade... The teacher was talking about the edge of the universe, not claiming to have any answers, just talking. Does it go on forever? Do you hit a brick wall? Is it wrapped? What's outside the wrapped universe? If that doesn't blow your mind... Well, it should blow your mind. I had already considered this conundrum, but I thought about it more since he mentioned it, and it did blow my mind at the time. At the time. None of the options satisfy human reasoning. I was thinking about this question when I was making my insect universe game, and thinking about philosophical bugs asking, "What's outside that double rock wall that surrounds the universe?" This is a silly question to me, it's a subscript out of bounds error. Probably the same thing with God, and humans asking what happens at the edge of the universe. A subscript out of bounds error, is the answer. The same question, once philosophical, sounds stupid to me now, and might evoke an eyeroll. I've moved past this attitude that the only thing that is real is this precious 3D grid. There is a real grid, yes... Don't worry so much about physical space, it's just part of a divine computer program. THAT's why I believe in God, or one reason. Consciousness is what's real, not physical space. Oh, that old "hard problem" again. We don't know the answer yet, the atheists say... But we will have one, EVENTUALLY.

Continue Pulling Yourself Up By Bootstraps

Something is wrong today. I've been over and over again, or so it seems, been falsely accused... I have no impure intentions, and I know that. Sometimes, people like Jason are like, "I'm not going to tell you why, you're just the new Hitler, and you used to respect my opinion, so I'm using that against you." And then... There's this other issue I don't want to mention here. Then, I'm apparently being rude and defiant the exact moment I woke up in the morning... Jason and Emily have made themselves clear, we don't care about suicides that aren't in the family. And you find yourself getting strange texts and hang up calls, or one hang up call, after saying my phone number out loud in public. What happens? Well, you find yourself telling your own dad at one point, "Do I think you would care if I killed myself? Ha ha! Ha ha ha! NO! NO! Ha ha ha!" My own dad, yes, and this is not a suicide threat, but geez... How much stress can I take? Sometimes I think/know, there are people I know who would be happy if I killed myself... That sometimes gets confused as some would be happy, most, indifferent... And then, for good measure, it gets thrown in, "Some would not be apathetic." (stuff mouth with sock to muffle screaming) So it gets turned into, some would scratch heads and say, "huh." And some would be happy, and the rest would laugh at the irony. But all in all, you shouldn't laugh at THIS situation either (I'm aware no one's laughing), because as the unborn baby said, these people are someone's Mommy and Daddy. And I KNOW this is a deluded thought process, but damn.... Was it Providence Hospital that is giving me "people" issues? Clearly, it was Jason, but.... To be honest, I feel happy regardless, and I don't really believe this, but damn... Are they real people or fake people? People who don't exist, the whole lot of them... Keep trekking onward... Deedly dee, doodly doo...

Why, When Asked For a Religious Preference, Do I Always Say Christian?

It has been a long and strenuous journey trying to figure out the Christian religion. Why? Why does everyone else despise this worldview? Well, it seems to be a Christian belief that the purpose of life on Earth, is to believe a very far-fetched and unrealistic story that happened a very long time ago. THAT was the entire purpose of life, and you are either rewarded or punished solely on that idea! Is that something I personally believe? NO! Absolutely not! So then why do I say I am Christian? Well, in early adulthood, it seemed to me to be some sort of challenge that came up every once in awhile... Is dedicating your life to Jesus and having Jesus change you dumb? No, it seems, there is something actually very spectacular and worthy of respect about doing that... Does it happen? Dunno. Maybe. I guess. No. I don't know. Anyway... But the Bible was calling to me, over and over again, and I couldn't deny that I felt inside a feeling of peace, when talking about the Bible, reading the Bible, and when thinking and talking about Jesus. And it was so weird to me how common this sentiment seemed to be, with the entire world around me entirely obsessed with this old story, still, 2000 years later. I attribute it, believe it or not, to a certain Bible study and the pastor there, entirely through subconscious conversations, explained to me every error in my reasoning about misunderstanding the Christian religion. It was an agreed upon fact between us, yes there may be many spiritual belief systems throughout history which God had his hand in, however Christianity seems to be, inarguably, the most important and relevant and "best" at this exact moment in history. There are numerous details and situations presented in the Bible and Christian doctrine, which while may not be entirely factually accurate always, were put in place by God for a reason, and God knew what he was doing, naturally. And Rachel hasn't actually changed that situation either, yet. So right now it is a Christian world, and for that reason my religious preference is Christian. The only drawback? Ignoring people who misunderstand the situation and see the Christian worldview as... "ooh you accepted the 'magic special unbelievable story' go you!" Well, what was the alternative? Well you could say your religion is Buddhism, yes. However, don't get me started on how much I disagree with THAT worldview, let me tell you. For the record I love Buddhism and think it has many very valuable traits, but I don't believe every single person and soul on this planet has a goal in existence to reach enlightenment once in all of eternity, or at all for that matter, and after you do... You stop living lifetimes and just exist, or whatever you might do, I actually lack understanding of what an enlightened person does with their time, according to Buddhism. So no I don't like that worldview either. And yes, I could say New Age, God... On first glance my belief system actually seems more New Age, yes. But what the fuck is New Age? It is not a clearly organized religion, it's all over the map, and there are so many "New Age" beliefs that come up I find tacky and stupid. So no, I don't say "New Age" either. The best option is to just say "Christian" or sometimes "Protestant." It also comes up here, that my preferred psychiatric facility, and for newcomers yes I naturally need a preferred psychiatric facility haha, is Unity and that's the only one that's not officially Christian and I consider that a notable drawback. However, that wasn't all that important anyway, given I don't think Jesus had direct approval of any of these facilities, and I sort of think if Jesus were here today he would prefer Unity too, given the situation. Just sayin'.

Dark Duo of Infamy Sends Death Wish, Spirit World Intervenes

I have been working on enlightenment... And last night I was hard at work, maybe for hours actually, using my mind, which is a force that is interesting, just pointing out it's interesting how it moves and stuff, disconnect "cords" or "devices" to/from Jason. And I'm not an energetic vampire, I'm very good at producing my own energy thank you very much. Except for... the time I leeched energy off the woman at McDonald's. Actually, I was just doing something with my mind to see if I could, and there was another woman across the room and it DID work which was the thing, I felt better after I did that. I was just trying that out, not a trick I would try again, point of interest to me at the time. Anyway... We have been "wrapped around" each other on the spiritual plane for about a year, life's been intense for us both I guess, not sure EXACTLY what it looks like, sometimes I lie down and I feel like he is holding me... That's happened BEFORE, not a normal occurrence, but I grab grab grab hold hold hold squeeze for comfort, I don't LEECH. There's a clear-cut difference actually, not sure what he experiences, I'm sure he's not actually lying but if you tell me so I'll let go, just like that, two seconds, geez. The funny thing is that I can grab people at will, not sure they notice, I would think so, wouldn't have any proof... Just pointing out I can do motions with my mind and my mind moves when they happen. So, no extraordinary claims here, for the record, or maybe, but whatever. Anyway... So, I don't usually leech, what happened was I got annoyed with the Dark Duo of Infamy and started attacking them on the spiritual plane several months ago, and that was the beginning of it. You think at the time, why can't I lie on my own bed in my own room and think about whatever I damn well please? Well, and also do whatever motion with my mind I damn well please? And yeah, that's why I excused it at the time, I don't actually think I'm effecting anyone, just doing something to pass the time. It turned into a crazy match, it seemed, zippy things you know, at first I was winning, Ian says, "Well that was stupid. You have more strength, but he has more stamina." And that ended up being true, and before you know it he's leeching leeching leeching off of me, but you know I started it. Of course, I want them to, but I know without being told, my guides don't bail me out here. They are not there to help me energetically harass other people, that's not their job, that's a mess I created myself. Then, I found out, hey, suck on the tendrils he's sending you to leech, which sounds like a sexual joke and the funny thing it sounds like one but it's not. And I told the unborn baby I won the argument right there, by finding a way to leech off him, then I went to sleep. The problem continued at times, I dealt with it, went away or something, not sure. Anyway... So, last night I was undoing all those leeching cords and energy coming from him in my direction. Trying to disconnect us from holding on to each other, in whatever which way, whatever that meant, me and Jason. I went to sleep, woke up, and the Dark Duo of Infamy was MAD at work attacking ME. Nasty, cruel energy, compromising my enlightenment, no joke. I begged and screamed, "LEAVE ME ALONE!" three staff members arrived immediately, I got mad, it occurred to me one reason they might arrive immediately was because of sexual assualt, not that they wouldn't wonder what was going on anyway. And then out of nowhere, Emily sends "indifference." What the hell is indifference energy Emily? It's bad energy to point out I don't care if you live or die, that's indifference energy. Yeah, so the Dark Duo of Infamy is trying to get me to kill myself again, and it seems like it so obvious that I shouldn't have to point it out, I will kill myself a lot quicker and it will seem a lot easier if people do NOT care, not if they do, but what a weird thing to have to point out to someone. And no, this is NOT a suicide threat, actually I'm doing great. And, then... after feeling like I had cuts all over my inside, energetic cuts... Guides said, spirit world officials are taking care of the situation, and both of them are being charged with "Interfering With a Mission," which is a funny crime because of how small of a situation, relatively speaking, at times, gets you years in the chokey or so I was told, I don't know what the consequences are though. That happened with the girl who died at the group home though, because she stole my blush. How fucking obnoxious, I'm not allowed to have nice makeup because you are jealous because I am prettier, I don't have an attitude about that situation like you assumed. The other thing, I was laughing to myself one time, and that same woman said to me, "Well, that's all fine and good, as long as you don't laugh so hard you just start crying!" Oh God, what an annoying thing to tell ME, of all things... And I have to say something obnoxious back to, which I don't really want to say, but God damn... "But when I cry, I cry because I'm happy." Yeah. She randomly died of a heart attack in the hall. They woke Needrashay to see where she was, which made me worry it was murder at the time because I hadn't slept... They wanted to make sure Needrashay wasn't traumatized by the occurrence. And she had to use the restroom, and went in the hall and saw and. It was a situation that was unspoken between us actually, it was like she actually said this to me, talking about Needrashay. "I'm such a doofus they had to wake me up to use the restroom, seemed like it, I know that's not the reason. They woke me up to make sure I didn't see the situation in the hall, and they woke me up and I had to use the restroom so now I am randomly bombarded with the situation, great." Anyway...

Kickin' off the Kick Stand

Getting rid of the training wheels... It comes up, in my world, with certain things... My reasoning. Do I think in a language that no one else understands? Basic language of logic and reasoning, because whenever I'm making sense, my mom tells me I'm not. Well, I know better, plus the fact that I never make sense to anyone on Facebook... Actually, hold that thought and whatever comes up with it, I intend to actually go back and LOOK at the situation in a second. I'm sure it's some sort of modge-podge mixed blessing, at times I may have left people wondering what the fuck I was talking about, I know, okay. Anyway... You get rid of the little leaning tier of Jason's confirmed reasoning in me, which came up notably at times, not with everything, and that was fine. He comes back, says hey you have a mental illness, not mysticism... Or... Accuses me of this, this, and... I was trying to listen, and I was, and I broke down and got suicidal of course... More willing to change than anything though, is the thing. However, you got to me kidding me, what is your fucking point in talking to me anyway? Seems kind of like it is to bring me down further, or taunt me about how I don't have the guts to pull the trigger, IN ALL HONESTY NOT KIDDING NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN. Very seriously, that was what I was left thinking about the situation. It gets to the point, you are hearing what you want to hear, you want to bring me down, you want to make me feel bad about myself, and that was your entire goal in talking to me anyway. And how much do you think I respect you? I have respect for you, in some regards, but it comes up there are things that would normally make a person angry that he said that I let slide because I don't have all that high of standards for his behavior anyway. He is the juxtaposed kickstand, which you kick off right here! Tada! And after wallowing, vowing to take your own life, no matter how hard that might be... It comes up that this is "dizziness" or disorientation from having the kickstand jarringly pushed away, and now I am trusting my OWN reasoning and I am on my OWN feet. I know my own heart here, like I told the guy at Providence who told me I had attitude, my attitude there was with someone else, my personal belief was that he internalized that because he was insecure about being gay but I let that issue slide in a heartbeat... haha, I have no problem with gays by the way I know it makes people uncomfortable, this a tangent I thought was interesting. Anyway... So, for awhile I was teetering here, it didn't take long before it occurred to me, that guy made no sense whatsoever. I was listening to him about calling out my parents on everything online, seems like I should adjust that to keeping it to the memoir, not all over the internet anymore. You could internalize it and act like it's a personal problem that I would do that to begin with... Actually, like I said it's an exposee, but everyone needs feedback from others every once in awhile to keep themselves in line, or on track, or seeming rational and reasonable. And I don't like saying, or having an attide about, or making a bold statement that I DO NOT have a mental illness either, define rational, sometimes I'm not completely rational, it's not schizoaffective disorder but saying that at all doesn't accomplish anything. Depression is a mental illness, suicidal ideations probably indicates some sort of mental illness no matter what, and what the hell is wrong with a mental illness anyway? Doesn't matter either way, what you say, so define mental illness. So, my point is, I was trying as hard as I could to listen, I was trying as hard as I could to concede, but he wasn't making any sense, and so you kick off that confirmed reasoning issue, because you know humans like to have their own reasoning confirmed by other humans, ALWAYS, no exceptions... But you get to this point, I'm making more sense than he is or anyone else to myself right now. Have a problem with this? For the love of God, clearly talk to me and state your issue. Please. I don't think there is a problem, just pointing this out. So? I have recovered from the Jason-induced suicidal ideations and intent, and yeah, in retrospect, the hospital was a good idea actually. And.... Back on track, on top, thinking I might actually be getting enlightened right now. What's the problem? Not wishing others harm, obviously, that's obvious to me that's never issue. What's the issue now? You are supposed to be sacrificing yourself for others right now, and always Rachel, GEEZ, it's always YOU YOU YOU all the time... Thank you, Bill O'Reilly, a person who entered my head randomly right at this moment. Thank you. (not consciously sure of the relevance)