They Meant That Literally: Veering Away From Mental Breakdown Mode

 Something that was poignant that Subbie has always said about the spirit guide situation... When it first started, and my guides first came into the picture. A "higher up," there are lots of spirits like that, not technically spirit guides, but people who have spoken to me on a subconscious level... pointed out to me at the beginning, "Right now, your guides are making a good relationship with you. Later on, they will repeatedly push you to the brink of what you can handle psychologically without having a mental breakdown."

"I didn't understand, they meant that literally." Is what Subbie said about it.

This is a past issue, and I am passed the point of hitting mental breakdown, NOW... At the hospital, I screamed randomly in the middle of the night, and I was told I needed a shot for that reason. The next day, and besides the fact that I hadn't slept at all... I asked the security people, please don't go nuts with an antipsychotic, an antihistamine, AND a benzodiazepine... like shit, that's intense over-medication! "WE'RE not the ones going nuts!" Was one of the guy's nasty response. All I had done was scream once randomly, at that point, in the middle of the night, standing by the nurse's station. "Scream in your room!" That's not where the mental breakdown hit... I was thinking about something that I don't feel like sharing.

"Don't flirt with the security guards, they are bad people." I told everyone after that, as the women there always make googly eyes at the security guards.

Anyway... This is a past issue now, but it happened again at the group home. There was an intense over-exposure of obnoxious issues being made conscious, including my mom's over concern with my non-existent "anorexia" in high school, and this issue where no matter what, when it comes to my psychiatric care, we ignore the evidence, ignore my behavior and what I am doing and going through, in favor of blind adherence to the "medical model" of bipolar disorder and normal brains.

Actually, what I am talking about here... There was this situation in Coeur D'Alene, where I was first hospitalized in 2009 for perhaps being suicidal... No, I wasn't suicidal right then. Actually, the guides had just fixed the "conversation problem," or they were working on it, as that is NOT a straight-forward task... takes time and work. Anyway, at the time, peers were annoyed with me for talking too much, so I said fine, I won't talk at all, and I was mad. Anyway, my therapist sent me to the hospital, and at one point, I was almost sent to the state hospital for being suicidal... When actually, hey, at that point, I wasn't. Later on... Well, Geodon made me suicidal.

So... We are talking about 2009 now. At the hospital at that point, I was switched from Abilify, a sort of innocuous antipsychotic, to Geodon... These two are supposed to be the least likely to effect weight, and that is why they chose Geodon for me. Well, this isn't a strong point in my memory, but as I recall, I didn't actually make a fuss (which I should have, and that was the problem). Actually, I was cycling. Going high, low, high low, and the only reason at one point that I was even in the hospital... Was to deal with the nasty side effects of Geodon! Well, if you took me off it, I could leave the hospital and function fine... Yep. However, I didn't SAY that, because I was in very deep denial about the situation, in fact at that point I said, "Hey, it's bipolar disorder!" And that's because it was less painful to say that at the time, then it was to say, "Hey, I am at a facility where they are INSISTENT on putting me on a bipolar medication, this one is causing me harm! Who knows if they ALL will? Quiet, subconscious mind." So, at the time, I told myself it was bipolar disorder, while complaining about the new symptom of rapid cycling, which started right when I started Geodon.

There was a doctor there, one I only saw at the hospital, who INSISTED that I was manipulative. At the time, I didn't get mad, because there was something sort of cute to me about the concept of people who were manipulative... Not that I myself was actually DOING it. I had no fucking idea what that guy was talking about, or what his problem was.

So anyway, recently, I started breaking down when I finally figured out this issue. Actually, he thought I was FAKING the cycling, to get off Geodon... Because God dammit woman, Geodon doesn't do that no matter what, okay.

So I'm basically fucked, and I was put in a position where people ignore what the medications are actually doing to me, and forget that they aren't doing anything positive because there are no problems anyway, with my natural mood... And I am told I am LYING about the side effects. Indirectly, of course. And that was the doctor that insisted I go to the state hospital.

At the time, I said fine, state hospital might be better than Innercept... Then suddenly said, WTF? And I said that out loud, and they told me I didn't have to go. The case for me going to the state hospital was pretty weak, anyway.

Anyway, then all that Dr. Moses Ijaz shit I went through recently, where it was dopamine blockers, ignoring the evidence, actually, I have never had any side effects at all withdrawing from Haldol... Blind insistence on the medical model of bipolar disorder. And then suddenly... At the group home... All this hits at once, and I feel like screaming my head off...

Did I? Actually, my memory is fuzzy. What I do know, I screamed at one point and went in the other room, residents followed, and I felt like I was being mean when I told them to leave me alone. Like geez, if people are worried about violence, why are they following me? Actually, that's a strange thing to be worried about... Or at least, I was thinking that if I am screaming people assume it is my own fault and I'm about to get violent. Maybe that's a misunderstanding of the situation.

At one point, I got weak, there was a medical emergency, not necessarily an EMERGENCY, but I didn't feel well, and of course at the time I was in an altered state and couldn't actually slow myself down, either, so that situation sort of looked funny to them. There was something wrong with my heart, actually. Not palpitating, it DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT... Well, if it's not palpitating, then how do you know something is wrong? It feels strange and weak, not kidding, dammit... Don't know what to do about it though.

Anyway, I was going somewhere with this though. At one point, I had a mental breakdown in the restroom, actually. Residents there don't flush the toilet. I figured out later, they just do that because they hate their situation, as a "fuck you" to the facility. There's a sign that says flush the toilet, they see it, they can read, they still don't do it... At one point I took the sign down, and the toilet seat was left up with urine on it. I hummed and sang a song to myself while washing my hands after that incident, keeping calm.

And that's the thing, is that now with every toilet related incident that happens there, I keep calm. So, I didn't mention the one thing that happened yet... Before the toilet seat incident, at one point I was using the restroom, and the urine in the toilet had an annoying effect on my mentally breaking down psyche and I screamed, "DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?!" Which, of course, you know, I do NOTHING around there, I KNOW THAT DUMBFUCK. It was a reference to past altered states I have been in, with the mind flip, if something is annoying you, like a mess, you clean it up yourself... I have gone through altered mind flip states training my brain where I moved around CONSTANTLY, cleaning up, stuff like that. Using a different part of my brain to do these things, actually, and that outburst was a regurgitation of psychological left over gunk from that situation, not a reflection on the current situation, dumbfuck. Like, duh.

Anyway... So now, it's been stuff like, I have found toilet paper and shit literally on the seat now, actually. And... I don't get mad or anything. I have pointed it out to staff, but most of the time I just use a different restroom. There are three restrooms for residents at the house.

So, Subbie pointed out to me this morning, the guy who is doing it, and it's just one guy, called out to me last night on the spiritual plane and asked me why I haven't thrown a fit again. Which, Subbie said... That's literally the stupidest thing I have ever talked about on the spiritual plane. I am surprised that guy is even cognitively capable of using the spiritual plane if he is going to actually CALL OUT to me to ask such an asinine question.

My guides pointed out, like with something called "whistles"... There is a situation where people can "blow a whistle," that's what we call it, on you if you are doing something annoying, for example body odor. If you get enough whistles for the same reason, which is quite a bit, you have to do something on the other side to pay for the situation. It's for stuff that doesn't effect spiritual growth just annoys other souls. Anyway... the guy who is doing the toilet thing will have to pay for it somehow on the other side, and we suspect it's a down a dimension soul anyway.

The thing is the situation isn't even bothering me I think it's funny, but I almost feel annoyed with myself to laugh at someone who is being so completely stupid, like it's low to laugh at stupid people.

Anyway, the mental breakdown situation has cleared up though, actually. I have a different take on my life, actually. My life does not belong to me, and that's the word.

Demons and Keeping Each Other Company During Misery

 There was a Facebook post I had awhile back, maybe early 2017, about how going through the depths of misery together, creates a profound friendship.

I'm not talking about other residents at Innercept. Not that that is completely irrelevant either, I would have to ask them how they felt about Innercept after the fact. Something other people may not know, there is a difference in Facebook protocol if you went to treatment together. After the fact, sometimes people unfriend and add back, and it is understood that it was nothing personal. Basically, we were in such a bad mood during treatment, "I don't want to think about you, but it's not you. You just remind me of that period of time."

I'm talking about the Dynamic Trio: Matthew, Hugh, and myself. I was without proper emotional support, not a whole lot of friends, or really any... I mean, it's rude not to call people at Innercept friends, but there weren't many I was close to. Matthew was the only person I talked to from home, throughout my stay at Innercept. Even so, we were kind of distant. However, we hung out on home visits, and talked a bit online.

When Matthew moved to LO, he felt like he had friends there. People talked to him, treated him like a friend, but everyone abandoned him after he left high school. Why? They got really tired of listening to all those fucking stories, because the situation got downright ridiculous because people didn't tell him to his face that they knew they were lies. So, I was one of the only people who stayed friends with him.

I was dealing with my own hell, of course, as some may already know. The worst part was Geodon, how at times it seemed to turn my life into a living hell, causing rapid cycling as well as brain damage. And, in case you don't know already, that story eventually had a happy ending: I got neurofeedback when I moved back to Lake Oswego, by a very competent naturopath, Dr. Winkleman. There weren't any really good theories on how it came about, but I noticed interesting changes during and after each session. The thing I wanted to point out about that, Dr. Winkleman thought we had a whole bunch more work to do, and my spirit guides at that point pointed out that we only have to do a few more sessions, and the rest will correct on its own.

I still tell people, 2010 was a great year. Yeah, for half the year I was on Geodon. Well, I pulled myself back up by my bootstraps, when I got my Adderall prescription back in late 2009. So yeah, that made all the difference. Of course, not that I myself don't deserve most of the credit here. The good year was actually 2011, when I started my blog. I felt that that was a monumental positive shift in my life, and still do. Best thing I could have done for myself.

Anyway, Hugh was free... or was he? He had a demon. I remember back when I was living at Wilson, I read his blog on Myspace. He talked about feeling like at times he "had no choice" but to do something, and it was something bad... and indicated that he considered himself subhuman. When I read it, that was so weird I had a hard time believing it. When my guides entered the picture, they told me, "If we were you, reading that, we wouldn't think he is delusional, or lying, or crazy... We would think, this is very clear cut. This guy has a DEMON."

It's come up many times, he was hinting at something, reading his blog... There was some incident that he regrets, maybe more than one. They won't tell me what it is. They have made up interesting stories, and then afterwards indicated that they were kidding. "That's for him to tell you, Rachel."

At any rate, the demon forces him at times to push people away, people who care, people who he gets along with a little too well. It also forces him to do things that cause other people not to like him as much. And, I don't know the story here. I haven't talked to him in person about it.

Luckily, the demon doesn't affect him on the spiritual plane. That is "low" level awareness... Hmm. What does that mean, exactly? I'm not entirely sure myself, and I know my little up/down model of awareness (in terms of conscious, semi-conscious, subconscious near the surface, etc.) is flawed. The model is flawed, that's why the entire time I have been looking at this Subbie/Conscie situation funny because it is so strange, but it's hard to deny it is happening. Subbie is me, yes. How do I know? Hihh... Well, for one, right at the beginning, they told me not to have a pretentious romantic relationship with Conscie. At one point, Subbie forgot, started saying something sweet to Conscie, and I forced myself to stop so suddenly it brought "conscious" awareness down into the Sub. Hey, that is me, isn't it? I am doing the talking here. I'm Subbie.

Other than that... Subbie isn't always the same. In at least the year 2021, I have sometimes wondered if that's Subbie at all, because Subbie is "boring." Which "King" am I using? I can switch it up and use a deeper King, by the way... And, that's not always the best idea. Am I just walking around talking to myself? Because Subbie isn't that interesting anymore... Of course, there is something really weird about convincing myself that it is just in my head, it never happened... I clearly remember things, like at the beginning, at one point I had to make an effort to talk from Conscie, not Subbie. I was actually losing the ability to only talk about stuff I consciously knew about people. During one hectic night/morning in 2014, a required exercise was to sit and talk inanely to myself about people and things I knew about them from conscious experience. Every once awhile, at times, while I was doing, something, let's just say. Something else... Actually, it was during the Ascension Process.

So, during Innercept, spiritual plane conversations with Hugh and Matthew kept me happy and going, a lot of the time. When the experience was over, even though we were sort of distant during the time, Matthew and I attached a love cord. This is a platonic love cord.

Other than that... Playing the psychology game is interesting, right now. My roommate seems to talk to herself about me most of the time... This is a very interesting situation. Also, fuck, do I even want change? YES, however, everyone is resistant to big jarring changes that are mysterious. And that's the word, that's where I will leave you.

Hackers and the Dark Afternoon of Azul

I felt like I lost control yesterday, of my choices, words and actions, through the introduction of a REAL alcoholic beverage and not the cheap ones. So yes, I was agitated and I relapsed again. So kill me. In the past, I have used alcohol to calm down my psyche, which was agitated due to the concept of "Psychological Factors Unknown."

It has come to me that, through the resolution of the Subbie/Conscie Conundrum... There was a situation in my youth, where the mice behind the curtain, spoke to me for the very first time. The "people" or spirits who would speak to me on a subconscious level since childhood, were preparing me for my destiny.

The first time it happened, I was a 6 year old outside and a spirit named Ian said to me, "You know, the Queen of Babylon's famous flaw was reaching for the milk." Upon question, he said he was referring to my mom and the way she gets angry when asked about dinner. Any questions about dinner get greeted with anger.  Please, don't ask her what's for dinner. That was an extreme point of irritation for her.

There was a situation they were preparing for me, which was long in the future... Where I would reach my destiny and become a great woman, the Great Queen, woman, whatever... of Babylon. It came with a catch, but someday, I would take the throne, so to speak. I wasn't quite sure what they meant, but... That was the purpose of my life.

Prior to the Dark Afternoon of Azul, I was up all night, I sometimes spend several nights up without much sleep in altered states... Well, what was I doing? I did this, and this, and this, as factors in my psychology was changing very rapidly, accepting the situation and letting things go. For it was my mom's fear of anorexia, or possible idolization with the topic... But simultaneously acknowledging that it was serious... The Great Moper and Weeper of our time, who had been very fearful of a possible mental illness when I switched schools and became a sociopath, all of a sudden, or a wimp, or a sociopath, or a wimp... the Either/Or game was played at the time, without further inspection of my psychology through questions and emotional discussions, or rather, through asking me questions.

At the time, I knew something about the situation was strange, since I caught myself thinking, the first time my mom told me the school councilor told her I wasn't making friends at my new school. "Yeah, and she thinks this is a BAD thing...." I was thinking that, I didn't say that allowed, I wasn't happy at all about this situation. I was absolutely devastated at the time due to the Social Predicament, however I knew there was some point far, far in the future when the tables would turn. However, a great amount of moping and agitated ruminating went on behind my back, though not a word after that was spoken to me about it. And if a word had been spoken, it may have happened like once, I didn't want to think that I was missing out on the Game of Life by not talking in school. I think there may have been a situation when my dad spoke to me about it and told me speak or your missing out. Which, you know, I couldn't, okay... I didn't understand the back and forth movement of conversation.

It says in the report, and this is well documented and there are people out there who do know this by the way... ha ha, hee hee, who who. Anyway, there are people who do have access to the information where I moved to a new school, did not make friends, however, there was some indication that I never tried. Which is ridiculous, why wouldn't I try?

Actually, I was given a cognitive impairment where I was unable to make conversation, and I know that sounds completely ridiculous, however when people spoke to me, I just could not think of anything to say, or even, kind of, acknowledge that I was supposed to speak... Actually, no, I didn't get the back in forth movement of conversation, which allowed me to miss out on the comfort of human relationships, for a period of time.

The woman in the Wandering Womb has no language of her own. Not only that, she is hyped up on lust.

Anyway, what was I saying again? This wasn't my idea, okay. and they GET that, apparently, I receive somehow.

I was getting agitated, and no, medication does NOT help the situation, but there is a great amount of denial in my household about that situation, I am forced to disrespect my brain over and over again, and it escalates. I am not allowed to play doctor for myself, not allowed to diagnose my own dopamine deficiency... I have to go to the doctors, who play by the rules of insanity, let's try the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.

At the same time, I am without social connection or emotional support, feel very unloved, and I have absolutely no one I can turn to in a time of need. In 2014, a little over a year after I got out of Innercept, the The Great Willy Wonkas... (this is a joke about a situation in 2013 when I had a dream where people were whispering about how Willy Wonka was coming... It was a funny dream, and I wrote a blog about it at the time.

Sitting at a bar, the woman at the counter asks me what I would like to drink. I decide to, hey, have something a little different this time... How about something more sophisticated like an Azul? Yeah, more expensive, and they encourage you to go nuts at these places by not listing the price of the drink on the menu. So, I had to ask, to point out to the bartender that I am an Innercept "kid," I had my childhood ruined when my parents were brainwashed by a salesman, who told them a gripping, touching story about how a friend of his killed himself and Dr. Ullrich was so grief-stricken that he decided to create a treatment center where even the linens and sheets are designed to help mental illness. This way, Rachel would indeed get life schooling.

So I drank, and as I did, harassed my dad while he was clearly sleeping, for after all, this is the Great Azul and different alcoholic drinks... at times, have different effects, let's just say.

So, well... I was making videos, and, umm... Actually, what exactly happened right there isn't important anymore. I got it, I still have a vanity crisis, okay. Let's just say, I am finally comfortable with my facial appearance, as I have always wanted to be pretty and now I am. Let's just say there were facial strengthening exercises. Please, don't try this at home, it ages your face without spiritual influence.

So, what was I saying again? Okay okay, okay... DROPPED TOPIC. As the Great Hackers and Mystics of our time collide, I must humble myself about my situation, the raging necrophiliac the sexual wooing energy turns me into... the spiritual plane situation... And... I didn't think I was doing that, but... Hey, it's enlightenment. Get rid of all ego complexes, geez.

So, I just wanted to point out, I will try to have more of a filter, try to be more understanding to women especially, however this was not my choice, this situation. For after all, the Indigo Children will help us create a society that flourishes, a time of plenty, and love and joy will abound.

"I love you."

So let's just... drop topic.

Brain Goes SPLAT, Enlightenment Looms

 What is my life like right now? Right now, I am sitting at my computer, feeling overwhelmed. I don't know what it is. What's going on?

Seems like there is something right below the surface... One of those times where you stare blankly, feeling overwhelmed, but what is it? Nothing, that I can put my finger on. Something on a subconscious level.

So, I surrendered the ego. When I did it, I remembered the feeling of caring more about someone else than I did about myself, and tried to place a little of that feeling onto every single person in the world... To some degree, or some hint of that feeling. I had to surrender caring about thinness, while simultaneously working on weight loss. Enlightenment, what do you look like? It doesn't mean you don't care about how you are perceived by others... you want to be perceived positively, so looking your best is still important. However, aren't you supposed to surrender desire? How do I achieve weight loss, while simultaneously surrendering all desire? Well, I apparently did it, because Ian said, okay okay enough trying to surrender your skinny ego... You have already done that effectively.

Today I came home to my parent's house. I was feeling depressed, actually. Well, apparently the reason was, my guides were doing some intense soul work, on the period of time when I was a teenager and I didn't have that much of a social life, so I spent a lot of time hanging out with my parents. Very depressing thing to do, in retrospect. During the bus ride, I felt just... suicidally sad and lonely. This horrible loneliness is killing me! Don't worry, I am not going to attempt suicide, seems so fucking stupid in my position... I just wanted to point out, at times the loneliness is so crippling, I don't know what to do with myself. I've gotten older, and what happened to everyone? I miss the community of school, even being in a position where my conversational abilities were limited. Sometimes now, I feel like I'm the only person on Earth left, kind of... wandering around a barren plane where nobody exists. There is nothing to talk to with anybody but the weather, every conversation is about the weather... I wish I could talk to people about what is on my mind, but people will think I'm crazy.

Of course... I am sure there are people who don't think I'm crazy. But can I talk to them? I don't know who to talk to, I don't know how to bring it up... Erik has been distant and won't seem to really talk to me about anything anymore. I look at his picture to picture read, and it looks somewhat positive, in my direction... So, I say, give him space, in this situation. But damn, what do I do?

Splattered guts, splattered brains, splattered ego... everywhere. So I surrendered the ego, and now when I look at my pictures and read my aura, it looks sort of like I just have some sort of cocoon. Lost some sort of spunk, but that's probably not a bad thing... it's temporary. So, I guess after you surrender the ego, peace does not come IMMEDIATELY... What do I do now? I heard, you also have to overcome the desire for inner peace, as well... So apparently, I can't get too fixated on longing for the peace of enlightenment, or else it won't happen.

Splattered guts, splattered brains... I walk around, and there is something in the air or something, I notice at times... Is something weird going on? I feel like I must stand out like a sore thumb, and I am perceived strangely by others. At times it is a good thing... Other times, I wonder if people are looking at me funny, something I am doing that is off, more than anything my teeth, probably. It's hit or miss, you get it or you don't, I guess.

FUCK. I am left staring at myself in the mirror, like I always do when I sit at my parent's house in my room, not admiring my appearance, it's like I am interacting with the face in the mirror, or look at it like I am having a conversation with that person (myself)... And now I am just staring at myself, every once in awhile, with a weirded out expression.

But hey, on the plus side, I am perfectly happy with who I am. I am strong, intelligent, kind-hearted... And beautiful, but that's not something I internalize, that's my physical appearance and that's not who I am as a soul. There's some sort of notion that pretty women are bitches and are full of themselves... I grew up thinking I was ugly. I wasn't, but my face changed in my adulthood, I got prettier. So, I grew up without that ego crutch. Can I tell people on dating websites this? Nah... Fuck it, I'm not looking for love on there, anyway, just friends, and it seems like I should probably look somewhere else, too. Any guy who is interested in me, is going to seem too ordinary and is not of interest to me... Yawn.

This Lady Gaga song Babylon is helping me through this time. Every once in awhile, I need a new song, okay. I still have Eminem Death Note, but what of it? That's old news. Not really, but a new song helps a lot.

So I am happy with myself... I just feel out of place and like I don't belong, I can't relate on Earthly matters, and I need to fill my brain but my brain is unable to be filled right now. Got to wait it out. Eventually, I have this audio book I am supposed to be listening to. This boring sounding audio book about various cultural groups in America. Seems like a yawn, but Subbie says... Just listen to it, okay, something interesting happens when you do.

Everywhere I go, there is silence. No one talks to me. But ping, ping, ping. This person pings me, this person pings me, this person pings me... someone different each time.

It's like this Earth plane is now a silent room full of people. I am in the center, everyone is staring at me, I can feel everyone's eyes on me, and no one says a damn word to me.

And I wonder, have I gone mad? But it comes down to, I know something weird is going on... every single detail supports it. And I think of how I wasn't able to make conversation, for years in school, due to a cognitive problem with making conversation... That's a fact, and that settles it. I'm not crazy. But fuck, the notion to everyone else on the Earth plane, or a notion that exists, is paranormal/spiritual stuff is hogwash.

Return of the "Bowel Movement People" Nightmare

My life has turned to complete shit. I'm going to get help for my alcohol problem... When they let me into detox, so I am GOING TO... But fuck it, for the last several days I have been drinking. I don't do anything embarrassing when I'm drinking, unless you count strange Facebook statuses. It's gotten to the point where I am physically addicted to alcohol, I drink every day, I drink alone... I can't go a day or even very long without drinking, or I go into withdrawal. It's not as fun as it used to be, either. So I said, fuck it. If there's a problem, you should do something about it. What do I gain from drinking? Well, weight, is about it, and temporary stress relief.

Anyway... so I was drinking and hanging out with a friend, and I went to bed. When I woke in the middle of the night, I felt like I had had a nightmare. Yes, I did. It was the return of the Bowel Movement People.

I had that nightmare in 2016, when my guides were "training" me, doing strange things to me... I had a nightmare that I was in this locked facility with the Bowel Movement People, where they would force you to have bowel movements all day long, watch you, and command you not to move, not to move, "You are annoying the fuck out of us," they would say in a calm voice. It was nasty and horrible, worst nightmare of my entire life. Well, actually, it's sort of funny if you have distance from the situation... But in the dream, it is the worst scenario you can possibly imagine.

I feel like complete shit. I am withdrawing from alcohol now. I have pain in my body, in my heart. It is a broken heart, not anything wrong with my physical heart.

I feel like my guides may have destroyed my life, but I don't even want to think about that. I have to go to some facility to detox. They aren't talking to me right now. When I withdraw from alcohol, sometimes I go into dark spaces. I think I am having an energy disturbance all the time, where you send out bad energy in all directions. That doesn't help the situation, people send you back bad energy when you do this.

I want cocooning. On the other side, after a particularly harsh lifetime, they put you in a little thing and smother you with comfort, to recover. I need that.

My Faith: Christianity, the Bible, and the Comfort of the Holy Spirit

 I wasn't raised Christian. It was a result of my delusional situation, that I even became Christian! My family is not Christian.

It's interesting, when you come down with a belief that you are the second coming... Regardless of everything, you realize, you didn't believe in Jesus... but you've always believed that yeah, Jesus will return, of course.

When I was at Innercept, I was constantly drawn to the Bible. Stuck in a house with nothing to do, I decided to spend this time reading the Bible... Over and over again it came back to, why don't I spend this time reading the Bible!

I couldn't convert though, at first. My belief system kind of went like this... To be Christian, you believe Jesus was born of a virgin... Check. Jesus performed miracles... Check. Jesus was the son of God... Not sure what that means, but check. You believe Jesus rose from the dead... check (in some, non-physical form, more solid than a ghost, is what I believe). And... In doing so, the sins of humanity are wiped clean and everyone goes to heaven, if they are saved. Okay... no. I believe you don't need a "sinless" person to die for your sins, everyone crosses over and goes to heaven, regardless.

Actually, it's a little bit more complicated than, "everyone goes to heaven." Some souls are evil and get "deflated," some go down a dimension... Also, if you are wicked, that is a punishment in itself. Wicked souls are unhappy.

Anyway, it was this one pastor, Pastor Kurt Neely, who I went to bible study with... he listened to my situation on a subconscious level, on the spiritual plane, and said, you know, this situation is ridiculous... Just convert anyway, okay.

Then, in a stroke of pure mad genius, devised a plan for Subbie to get it up to Conscie, using subconscious reasoning... for my subconscious mind to convince my conscious mind to convert anyway. One of the things that was brilliant about it, it involved reverse psychology from my upbringing, which was pretty unique.

I haven't actually talked to this guy much, ever, but we had a special connection. We lost contact. I have tried writing to him, since I found his email address online... I tried three times and he didn't respond. I don't know what's going on, but I figure he must not have received them, they must have gone into his spam filter. So, Pastor Kurt, if you ever read my blog... Heads up, spam filter.

The thing about Christianity, it has some sort of energy associated with it... with church, the Bible, gospel music, but above all, other Christians and conversations about Jesus... Some sort of friendship that comes with all being about Jesus, and being Christian. Like, you can feel the Holy Spirit, and I love that. That's why I love it.

When you are Christian, you are automatically friends, in a way. Kind of like, as Subbie says... There's some sort of friendship that comes from being in the top math class together, automatically, even with people you have never talked to.

I believe the purpose was to instill morals into society, to create stability. Yeah, people fight about it, and it is human nature to fight. If they are not fighting about one thing, they would be fighting about something else.

And that's how I see it. Jesus was a teacher.

Theories on the Spiritual Plane Situation

 The problem with my life is lack of people. I don't have lots of old friends, haven't kept in contact with the few I did, and end up not talking to anyone at all... Drifting away from everyone else on the spiritual plane.

You can't tell me people don't send each other energy, I notice when people send me bad energy... Notice when they send me good energy, too. When I post on Facebook, people send me good energy... even if they don't click like, it is worth it.

When I was mugged last January, it caused a serious problem... some aspect of my social sanity, was based on being a member of the human race, kindness from and unity with strangers. Of course, you know, strangers are often not friendly... as was demonstrated. Caused a crisis, when I was at the hospital. Every day was drained social bar, the Sims style, and that's an under statement... I needed people to talk to.

What to do? Wasn't sure who to talk to on Facebook, didn't know who to talk to. No friends I could call on the phone, sent lots of messages out on Facebook to strange people, not people I'd maybe actually like to talk to because I was scared... Thought it would seem out of place and strange. So, it was awful and sad. Plus, my closest friend Jason, wasn't talking to me... And that was horrific, actually. And every day was sad and soul crushing. So I actually paid for a dating website membership. Nahh, I'm not looking for a relationship, I'm looking for SOCIAL CONTACT. A friend, and I have zero... Please be my friend, dammit...

Of course, that was kind of a shitshow... Two people actually started talking to me in a dedicated fashion, wanted to meet me when I left the hospital, met both of them, not talking to either of them anymore. Which was depressing.

There was this one guy I was texting, who suddenly said, "Why are you on a dating website? You are mentally ill in the hospital." I immediately blocked him. You know, I am doing what I can here! How else will I find people to talk to, I have tried everything! Already looked for "friend websites," gotten nowhere... He shot and maimed me with bad energy, crippling, so I shot back... MAIM... SHOOT... KILL... DISMEMBER... SHOOT THE FUCK OUT OF THAT GUY WITH YOUR OWN BAD ENERGY... See, when I sent a BRUTAL amount of bad energy, since I am strong with energy, it maimed that guy's ability to send energy, which is an intense thing to do, actually... And I couldn't feel the bad energy he sent me... so MAIM, MAIM, MAIM... He's probably noticing a headache or something, wouldn't actually know... Serious bad energy usually causes pain in normal people, I think. My guides ended up having to do an emergency maneuver and remove our ability to send energy to one another.

It was like geez, will you mind your own business, guy? If you don't want to talk to me and be part of my situation, that's fine, but you can mind your own business and not send me bad energy to "express disapproval" or whatever... NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS GUY... The thing is, sending someone bad energy for this reason, is not a weird thing to do... You don't necessarily send bad energy only when people are causing you problems, just if you disapprove of their behavior. But shit, what a gnarly awful situation. Me, in such a serious spiritual plane crisis, I am doing what I can and I have to FEEL HIS LOATHING at the same time...

I'm sure everyone who is reading this thinks I'm crazy. Nothing new, right?

Anyway, so please, will you mind your energy sending, people... Be nice, please. It dampens my mood a lot, okay. Usually, it doesn't even have an effect. Sometimes, only a slight subconscious effect. Not a strong conscious effect.

Anyway, there's also this situation where I notice people give me little "hugs" or "squeezes"... Happened more when I believed I was saving the planet, I would think of someone, feel a squeeze from them... One time, I was walking in public, and the people in the cars who were passing were giving me little squeezes... Don't know if it's sympathy over the sad spiritual plane situation, or something related to me being about to reach enlightenment...

Last night though, it started to happen a lot again, all of a sudden. I would think of someone, and feel a squeeze from them.

Also, Subbie said, something funny/weird is about to happen, she picked up on it... And I got a feeling of, Alice in Wonderland, weird.

Only time will tell.