Marble Chess Set - A Dream From My Youth

 I had a dream one time, when I was maybe 8 years old. An old classic dream, this has always been an old feel good dream. Of course, I had it during the summer, visiting relatives in Indiana. I greatly enjoyed summers in Indiana, as a kid.

In the dream, my family and I were on a beach that was very crowded. It was the end of the world, and my dad was telling me about how you got a choice of two kingdoms to go to for the afterlife, the rich kingdom or the poor kingdom. The choice was entirely up to you, regardless of the money you had on Earth. My dad and the rest of my family chose the rich kingdom, which was obviously better, so I chose it as well. Later on, my dad made a side comment about how well there’s also some kingdom called Royal, so I changed my mind and went with Royal, while my parents were still going to rich.

The mood of the world was very happy and peaceful. We watched a video of the poor kingdom. There was a Latino family, gathered around a gigantic marble chess set, and the mother was clearing it because it was time for the kids to go to bed. It was very pleasing, and made you think, nothing wrong with picking the poor kingdom, look how nice that is! And if poor is nice, just imagine how good rich would be!

During one of my fun late nights with work with guides, we talked about this dream. First off, I was the only person who could go to Royal. Also, you never saw rich. The rich kingdom wasn’t as nice as the poor kingdom.

I hope that in the following months, I come across a little bit of money. On a side note.

Folklore

 Today, we are talking about... folklore stories. Folklore stories are like collective unconscious stories, except folklore stories actually have spirit authors (there are spirits on the other side who write them). Collective unconscious stories are written by mass consciousness, based on themes that show up in human’s lifetimes, over and over again.

We can talk about... the boy and the star. There was a man, and one time, a woman smiled at him. That one smile was all he thought about for the rest of his life. When he looked at the stars, there was a star that if he squinted his eyes, looked like a smile. He stared dreamily at that star, night after night, remembering that woman.

Some say, this story reminds them of a certain character in Party Like Jesus.

The other one I wanted to discuss... the teacher.

There was a man, the character of which is unclear. Is he a bad guy or a good guy? He has a temper... it is unclear, but when he teaches, MAN, he is fantastic!

Without knowing what I was referencing... sometimes I imagine a computer game icon man dancing, when I listen to the song Concentrate by Xhibit. But, just to the part with Nam Myo Renge Kyo. Like the computer game icon is holding something in the air, getting into a flow and teaching, the dance represents flow.

It’s actually a reference to my dad, and how he’s a good teacher. He’s a good soul, however, he is at risk of decline... a common predicament that comes with early virtuous souls, or souls that are capable of growing in virtue... they look the same as psychopath souls, or souls that turn into psychopaths (I use that term loosely, actually, not all people we consider psychopaths are bad souls, psychopath is a broad term), the common trait is interest in other souls. When this shows up, it depends on nurture.... you have to plan your lifetimes, to nurture your good side.

When we first addressed this story, I swore the little computer game icon man came from a computer game... upon thinking about it, it clearly did not.

I am not entirely clear on the purpose of folklore and collective unconscious literature... guides say it helps us better understand literature. Without it, the world lacks depth, or something.

Blurry Face

 Blurry face is a condition pertaining to lack of emotional development in adolescence. Usually, it happens when teens spend too much time on drugs like marijuana growing up. People Subbie considers Blurry Face, are sort of whiny and self-centered.

Being excessively attractive can also cause a different, less potent form of blurry face.

Blurry face is represented in the collective unconscious as an advertisement for a comic book hero you could be yourself!

Discussing blurry face in my life... it came up that the predicament of blurry face to me, was an “AHH!!!”

I am not a blurry face, though. Why is it an “AHH!”??

Well, preparing for this lifetime... I start out with the social predicament, which means I have difficulty communicating and making conversation... no, I know the English language just fine, I just have a lot of trouble with conversation, and if you have been following you know... when I was a teenager, ages 9-22, I could barely talk to people. This in itself, has the ability to cause blurry face, because of how dumbed down I felt due to this. If you are not me, it’s hard to understand what I mean... I felt subhuman. Well, to prevent this from causing blurry face, I need Adderall, another agent that has the potential to cause blurry face, in itself.... Oh, but I get another advantage... I didn’t experience teen hormones.

AHH!!!

Which means I had no desire to ogle men, led to my sister making fun of me and calling me a lesbian, and me having a hard time relating to girls my age, when I was a younger teenager. Yes, I was straight, but there weren’t boys I thought were cute.

Anyway... I had a dream in about sixth grade. I was somewhere, and we were getting into a car, and my best friend started to fall down... and caught herself. She started doing some sort of “dance,” as she repeatedly fell in all different directions and just barely caught herself. Then, other girls around her started doing the same dance.

My guides say it was a dream about how hard puberty is. However, being a very strong soul, puberty was easy for me... But I also had a tougher predicament. I had an assignment for puberty, where I had to stop wasting my time playing the Sims almost cold turkey, and start working on making a computer game. Leading to a subconscious belief that I can change my own behavior, a belief that was essential... for everything, all at once.

I had a dream in late 2007, during an obnoxious part of my life, right before I was sent off to pointless treatment centers... there was a guy looking at his body... “Yeah! YEAH!!! I’m looking so ripped and toned...” The guy was going on and on about how good he looked... except, his body made me want to puke. There was all this scar tissue. He was not muscular, he looked like he was doing steroids, working out, not eating, and was very unhealthy.

This was a nightmare about blurry face with Adderall. Hyped up on feel good chemicals, you might feel good about a situation that is not something you should feel good about... maybe a mediocre activity. You could, though it isn’t as common, develop blurry face, from Adderall or Ritalin.

Of course, the thing that saves a lot of people, like me... you come down from the high and have nothing to show for it. So, I made it my goal, every time I’m on it, do or make something I’ll be proud of, when I am off it.

Ohh, the rollercoaster highs and lows of ADD meds....

Abortion: Unacceptable This Way, Unacceptable That Way

 It’s time to address a secret. My revised stance on abortion.

My guides, even on a subconscious level, allowed me to make up my own mind on this issue. Meaning they didn’t have the “Horrors of Being an Aborted Baby” lecture until I was much older, not even the subconscious version.

Subbie says, you can trace back my conscious pro-choice stance, to one moment: when my dad first explained the issue to me in fourth grade. We were driving around town, and there was some sort of sign everywhere saying something about abortion. “It gives me great pause, but it comes down to, you don’t tell women what to do with their bodies.”

Then, another moment happened when I was twenty years old, and messing around on a debate forum for young people. In the midst of an abortion debate I threw out there, kind of joking, kind of not - “The one thing all aborted babies have in common is that no one loves them.”

This created an uproar. “What if I believe I can abort the fetus, and the same soul will come back, when I’m ready?” Looking at what I actually wrote here, I clearly lost. But Subbie says, “That’s when I became pro-life, on a subconscious level. What is this hogwash about how the same soul comes back? You killed it once, and it’s going to come back for more? I thought the pro-choice argument was that it didn’t have a soul?” Nonsensical reasoning from pro-choice people.

Telling the conscious Rachel this... “well I’ve always sort of envied pro-life people... don’t ask me what that means.”

As it turns out, my conscious argument for abortion has always come down to, carrying a baby for nine months is a responsibility in itself, for those who say you can just put him/her up for adoption. As it turns out... we make an exception for that situation, where extreme drug use puts the unborn baby at risk. Along with rape and health of mother.

It turns out, abortion is horrific on unborn baby, and commonly leads to them becoming dark souls. If a soul is a dark soul, it has experienced something brutal and horrific, and leads to changes in interests and desires, including getting sick pleasure (on the other side) from souls going through some types of horrible experiences. It’s socially acceptable, the dark soul predicament. However, if it can be avoided, it should be. Also, it can lead to degradation of traits as well.

What about for rape? Well, we make an exception. For a woman who is already traumatized by rape, to endure having to carry the rapist’s baby... that could lead to more serious soul problems and decline, than the unborn baby endures in abortion.

Another issue I wanted to address... the answer to the question of the morality of abortion, is tricky and not obvious. It isn’t obvious that a fetus is a person, and it is hard to empathize with a fetus. I hear pro-choice people say, “it’s about controlling women.” No, it’s not, okay. Maybe it’s because different people empathize differently, they may not see it as obvious that a fetus has the right to life. And that’s fine, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. But realize, pro-life people’s stance on abortion, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say it comes from a place of love and caring, even if you think they are trying to punish women for having sex. That sounds stupid, there is a real concern regarding destroying life here.

Next up: designing better birth control.

The Devil Leaves!

 I was tempted by the devil, in 2019. Afterwards, he did not leave.

Ever since, the devil has made me want to drink alcohol. Has he done more than that, I’m not sure... he may have contributed to other negative impulses, such as anger or suicide.

To get rid of the devil, I had to vow not to drink anymore. I don’t mean literally, not one taste ever again, ever... I mean, just get rid of that intention. The entire time I have been in here, I have intended to get drunk again, gotten excited thinking of having another drink,

Betcha I can stop drinking cold turkey, without therapy or counseling! Betcha! Betcha!

Because when I make decisions, I make them with focused intention. And when I mean something, I mean it full force.

And what I mean is, alcohol and the intention to drink, is actually holding me back from enlightenment... Meaning, to further my spiritual development, it is time to quit drugs and alcohol. Have to be clean edge, clear of mind, clear of body, clear of soul.

I had to cast out the pesky devil, who has been keeping me company with subconscious humor, but draining my resources, making me feel incomplete without booze... Begone! No booze!

No marijuana!

He latched onto anger, trying to make me fucking pissed with the psychiatrist.

No, live and let live! He’s not causing me problems!

Well, kill yourself.

No, I have to fulfill my spiritual destiny!

Anger, rage, cravings, hatred, self-loathing, beer, beer, beer....

Ahhh!!!!!!

I felt drained, curled up, needing love.... detach from desire for love. Detach from desire for recognition, appreciation, companionship, beauty...

Just be.

And, he’s gone. Must heal the energy, from where the devil was draining me.

Feeling healthy and positive, I am healing from the devil’s burdensome influence.

God will light the way.

The Maturity that Comes With Being in Charge of Saving the Planet

 It has come to my attention, through supernatural means... there is something weird about the way the way my mom in particular talks about me, when I’m not around, that makes some family members want to punch her in the face . “She adds details that we make character judgments of Rachel from. Based on added details that she made up.”

I remember one example of this.... and I only know about it because I read her email. It was around the time I left Innercept, I was sent to stabilization (the little cabin in the middle of nowhere). I was angry at this situation where I was forced to be idle, as there is nothing to do at Stable. I was taking a physics class, and I had a test to study for. On a day I needed to study for the physics class, they had us rake pine needles.

In an email my mom sent someone, she said, “They forced Rachel to rake pine needles. Rachel hated every second of it.”

Actually, I didn’t say that. Nope, that was fabricated and not how I felt about it. It was actually sort of cathartic. There was a myth in my mind at the time that I had a poor work ethic, and on that day I proved to myself I actually had a good one. Why did I complain about it at all? I had a physics test to study for!

My guides also pointed out to me, your mother wanted to think you were suffering, because you dating the Scientologist was interfering with the Innercept brainwashing facility’s “You should be poisoning yourself for no reason” doctrine. She wanted to believe I hated it.

That’s all I know. What else have I witnessed? My mom’s therapist’s angry outburst when I went to see her with my mom, when my mom made a casual comment about doing paperwork. “NOW DOES THAT SOUND CONTROLLING TO YOU, RACHEL?” There must have been a lot of moping from this woman about being under appreciated, the woman who was too chicken to pull me from the treatment center that was poisoning me with Geodon, and I’m supposed to have sympathy for her emotional issue regarding money after they stuck with that place and wasted all their money on it.

That’s why, you know, I get worried when my new doctor raves about how much he LOVES my parents. There are a lot of other people I consider much nicer than my parents, not that my parents are actually FAKE... my mom has a way of wearing her kindness on her sleeve, and that’s a trait that comes back to bite and leads to overall decline in good, not a good thing. Traits and soul tendencies are complex. My mom has a tendency to mope and worry, and sometimes that’s her way of being caring. It’s not real caring, moping about how someone else (maybe) had worse problems than you do. I don’t have any sort of self-pity myself, that is a foreign concept to me.... I don’t want someone else to do it for me.

I wanted to point out I don’t actually have enough information here, to know if it’s the same thing with Dr. Ijaz as is going on with my mom’s therapist... obviously not as bad, but I got a bad feeling from the family call. I broke down the other day and the doctor referred to it as a tantrum. That right there says bad with people. You are not good working with people. It suggests that you have bought into the immature label, and the kicker is you think it is helpful to point it out to the patient.

What happened then? Well, I get sick of the situation where I moved automatically and hurt my mom. To be honest, it’s not because I actually feel horrible about hurting her... she is not someone I like, but that is not a prudent thing to do, hurt someone, it causes serious problems. It does something weird to me psychologically when I can’t control my own body’s motions and it moves and hurts someone. In case you don’t know, it was Subbie fulfilling something in book of Revelations. In addition, I was forced to take Trileptal, which caused me to feel RAGE. When the doctor said something about my irritability, which was caused by the Trileptal, since I was adamant about wanting off it... I was very excitable, tensed up, which meant putting my hands in fists and moving a little bit forward, standing straight and I was sitting on my legs, so I had to move forward. That guy got in my face, yelling at me and leaning over the bed with his fingers in my face yelling, I didn’t catch a word he said as I had to use my power trait to immediately release that attitude, and there we go again, bad with people. That’s normally how you escalate things. We can let go of this issue, I’m not mad but it doesn’t make you look good... I said I feel threatened by him, he said well he felt threatened by me, because I put my hands in fists and moved forward. Anyway..

On top of that, they look at you, come and peak at you every fifteen minutes to make sure you aren’t hurting yourself, and ask you if you feel like hurting yourself or anyone else. They go to great lengths to keep you from having weapons, anything at all... plus I can’t do much in  here, feeling hated from the soul work my guides are doing, and no matter what I do the lunch cart guy says I have an attitude. Which indicates death, because he said that, I know my own heart I have no animosity at all towards that guy, until you accused me of having an attitude... now you got to walk away from the situation, when you are wrongly accused of having an attitude, it’s a lose/lose.... NOW I am angry at the guy, so now I really do have an attitude. I remember the time I almost had a mental breakdown, when I was sent to the hospital for being happy, after being unhappy for quite sometime... technical error, please reboot. That means, I started yelling and crying about how everyone thinks I wish them harm.

Depakote Saves the World and Jesus Lives Again!

 What’s left? Friends betray, parents dement, and decisions are strung... Do we have an answer? Clearly, the question is raised... Has Rachel gotten better in the hospital? Well yes, her hair is brushed out now... I was apparently not able to reason when I first came in... says Dr. Ijaz. Wait a second, cite examples, please?

He holds up his diploma.

Well, Rachel’s delusions have solidified, at the hospital. When she came in, she was questioning everything... the mission, the divinity of it, if anything at all about it was real. Faced with the answer... I am not Jesus, rather the Whore of Babylon... soon to reach a untimely death. Bam! SOLID DELUSIONAL SYSTEM. Where were you, Haldol? Where were you, lithium? In my system, at the time, as a matter of fact...

Well, well, well.... your thinking is better now. Your hair is brushed out.

To return beauty and luster into life, Rachel showers and removes alcohol as a fixation.

“You’ll drink again,” says Rachel’s guides. “But we are done with the beloved series of alcohol exercises.”

Dr. Ijaz decides to put Rachel on Depakote, since she is in need of further improvement.

Chance of induced mania? Zero.

When interviewed, Rachel responds, “I am not quite ready to check out from this lifetime. The world, like an oyster, remains ready to be devoured. With the new update of Depakote, I don’t see how this won’t end on a positive note.”

Saved....?????

Or is she doomed....???

“Saved.” Rachel responds. “Eventually... when I reach a natural death, no suicide... I request you cremate all remains except for my brain, whatever people want to do with that.”