So, the other day I went to the hair salon... And as I was waiting for my color to develop, I thumbed through a fashion magazine.
This was kind of an ego-boosting, but overall depressing experience. I say ego-boosting with shame because it gave me some sort of feeling of superiority over the kind of women who would buy the products in these magazines.
I was looking at the ads. They are for very expensive designer handbags and clothing. None of them were all that appealing visually. Now, with my limited understanding of men... I would think that spending that much money on a designer Versace handbag that isn't even that pretty or cute or anything like that (I guess my taste is poor... Right, I would take my bird purse over a Versace bag any day)... Is something that makes men cringe. That's just what I would think. It gave me some sort of air of superiority over these women (is this a straw man argument? Are there women who spend all that money on these products?), at the same time it made me feel depressed for them. They don't know how to find happiness, so they look for it in an ugly handbag.
Anyway, the thing I wanted to point out is... the irony of shopping. Obviously, it is okay to shop in moderation for moderately priced clothing in accessories, within your price range. But what are women thinking who shop too much? The only answer I can come up with is they do it to impress men with their fashion taste. Is that not the reason? Is it for some sort of superiority over other women? That seems like an even stupider reason, so I will just say it is to impress men. Why is that impressive? Is that what they think is impressive? Is this some kind of loser trick to impress men? Are you trying to get men by shopping all the time? Is this something you do to impress the opposite sex? Is everything I do in some way related to trying to impress the opposite sex? Is that really the point of this blog entry?
Anyway, I don't think it's to impress other women (unless, needless to say, it's lesbians). Anyway, I think shopping is a loser's addiction. There are better ways to impress men that are actually impressive. Some ugly shopping habit is a huge turn off, and completely and utterly defeats the purpose of doing that shopping, which is to look good to impress men.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Women and Men: Why Women Feel Inferior and Men Get Mad at Women For Having it Easier
I have stated before, I'm a mysogonist. Well, that's not really true, it's a joke. The joke in my mind is, stereotypes of weak women and stuff to that effect.
Why are women weak? Well, society makes women weak. Society tells women over and over again, this is how you need to look to be attractive, you have to be skinny or else you are worthless, you have to be beautiful or else you are worthless. Really, do women buy into this bull crap? Obviously, this happens when you are a teen. Are you not doable unless you are skinny and drop dead beautiful?
Well, what I think is, most women in their teens are attractive and they don't even know it! They don't get it! Sure, there are guys who want to have sex with them... That is irrelevant, or something. They aren't as pretty as the women on television.
So, we could laugh and point fingers at these dumbfuck women until the cows come home, or I could just point out that I was one of them. I did not understand, hey, just because I apparently think I am not as pretty as the other girls I see at school (not in magazines, I didn't use those standards... However, images of women in magazines still have a subconscious effect, whether or not you knowingly think it makes you feel insecure or not).
The depths of women's insecurity in their teen years knows no bounds. I know what men think. WE WERE INSECURE TOO!
So I'm just going to point this out right here... Women are way more insecure in their teenage years than guys are, and they don't always outgrow it. Women are, in general, more insecure than men are ever.
Anyway, be that as it may... Some women make it out of the dust. They become confident women. A lot of women do, actually.
So, let's turn to the way men think. They get annoyed with women for being sluts. Now, personally, I would refuse to associate, if the situation ever came up, with a man who slut shames me or anything to that effect. No, I'm not a slut, I don't even have sex. But if I heard a single fucking rude comment about me being a slut, bam! That's it. We are done. I fucking hate slut shaming.
The reason is, this is guy's way at getting back at women for something that's not true. Sure, there is some sort of hardwired need in both women to be exclusive with their partner, or at least... Have their partner be exclusive with them. Even polyamorous people potentially can get jealous! Anyway... They look at women, they are confident, they are sexy, if they want to have sex with a man, they get to. Period. They never have to go without sex! If they want it, they get it.
Well, why? Is that true? Yes and no. Women typically still don't get to have sex with the men they want to all the time. Anyway... the thing that's true about it, is there is something off about a sexy woman wanting a man and not being able to have sex with him. Like, that sexy woman deserves that man! Or at least, she's sexy, he probably finds her attractive... Yeah, he would run to her side and have sex with her if he at least fucking knew how fucking bad she wants him. So come on sexy woman, you get to have sex.
If this is true, and that woman made it through the harrowing struggles of being an awkward teen and feeling so insecure, like so badly you look in the mirror and feel inbred or deformed because your face is so fucking ugly, you don't understand that intelligence is also sexy, you are fucking intelligent, pretty enough, if you could only see that, you wouldn't be so insecure... All this is lost on teenage women. They don't get it. Because people will call you beautiful and not mean it! Everyone will do this if it makes a woman feel better! Just tell her she's pretty! She's beautiful in her own way!
So, when women make it through the awkward teenage years, there is a reason they look it you funny for some misguided sad attempt at slut shaming a woman for something that was not even a sexual reference. Or, for anything. For being confident. If a woman who is confident is slut-shamed, she looks at you funny. And this is the important thing. The reason is, this dumbfuckery does not work on her. A confident woman usually does not sleep around, and if she does, that's fine too. But usually she does not. So when a confident woman is slut shamed just because she acts confident, feels sexy, understands she is attractive.... That woman is not going to talk to or associate with someone so fucking immature that they feel the need to bring down a woman to his level just because she is sexier and more confident than that dumbfuck is. It took a lot of work to get to where she is, and most of all, this is not fucking normal. Most women are insecure because of the pressures society puts on them. So when a man slut shames a woman, the woman does not give him the time of day ever again and loses all respect for him.
Monday, January 16, 2017
No Right To Complain, Your Pain Does Not Matter
So, yesterday I had a conversation with my sister. I get to hear about her problems, which is draining and stuff but I want to maintain a healthy relationship with my sister so I do this. She is in a lot of pain.
I help her to the best of my abilities, then I smile because the next thing I'm going to say is a joke. I tell her, "Well, when you feel like what you are going through is so bad... Think of the kids who got drafted straight out of high school and had to go to Vietnam." The reason I say this is because, for one, this concept and how other people take it is an inside joke with myself, and two, I know she is going to react in a bad way to this.
"Well yeah, there are starving children in Africa too. It's not even the same country! Why would you do that? Why the fuck would you do that? Why would you try to belittle what I'm going through by comparing something that's not even relevant?"
So the reason this is an inside joke with myself is... This is what I always tell myself, as of pretty recently, when I am going through a hard time that seems insurmountable. I will say something along the lines of, if there are people who can get through the Holocaust, I can do this. Or, as of late since I started thinking about it, if there are people who go to war, I can do what I'm doing here because this is a lot easier.
This is pointing out something dumb about people. I usually think of it as a woman thing, but there are men who do not like their pain compared to this kind of pain either. They think, well, it's like you are saying my pain doesn't matter!
Well, for one, why the fuck does your pain matter? It doesn't matter! Sure, it matters to you. But if you are looking at the big picture, you will see that there are so many people through out history who have been through more pain than you. So, pretty much, it stops self-pity right in the nub. There goes self-pity! All gone! Out the window! NO MORE FUCKING SELF-PITY! I FUCKING HATE SELF PITY!
I hate self-pity. That's why I tell myself this. It makes it a lot worse when I start thinking, oh, woe is me, about anything that I am going through. So, the thing about self-pity is, a lot of people like feeling bad for themselves. YES! A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE FEELING BAD FOR THEMSELVES! I don't know if it really helps, but they seem to think it helps. It does not. It makes them feel worse in the long run. It renders them worthless, immature, whiny pricks.
I'm not trying to be hard on everyone for this. This is a technique I didn't know when I was at Innercept. It is not really that simple. I would not have used this technique at Innercept, because I did not have enough self-esteem. YES! THIS TECHNIQUE TAKES SELF-ESTEEM!
So the other reason I make fun of people like this in my mind is, they want their pain validated. I don't respect this reason. No, you are no better than anyone who went through the Holocaust, you are no better than the young men (and women) who have gone off to war, and yes, you are no better than the starving children in Africa. You think it's irrelevant because it's so extreme. Well I will tell you this, get off your high pedestal and sense of superiority because you live in a first world country. You are no better than anyone else, you are only as good as you make yourself to be and you think wallowing in self-pity is helping?
So I have no respect for this response, but I know it is inevitable from a lot of people. It's a joke when I bring up this argument that your pain is nothing compared to these people, because I know most people cannot take it. But I can. That's why I bring it up!
And yes, you should know you are in pain. I do not need to tell you, yes whoever, you are in a lot of pain. YOU SHOULD KNOW!
I help her to the best of my abilities, then I smile because the next thing I'm going to say is a joke. I tell her, "Well, when you feel like what you are going through is so bad... Think of the kids who got drafted straight out of high school and had to go to Vietnam." The reason I say this is because, for one, this concept and how other people take it is an inside joke with myself, and two, I know she is going to react in a bad way to this.
"Well yeah, there are starving children in Africa too. It's not even the same country! Why would you do that? Why the fuck would you do that? Why would you try to belittle what I'm going through by comparing something that's not even relevant?"
So the reason this is an inside joke with myself is... This is what I always tell myself, as of pretty recently, when I am going through a hard time that seems insurmountable. I will say something along the lines of, if there are people who can get through the Holocaust, I can do this. Or, as of late since I started thinking about it, if there are people who go to war, I can do what I'm doing here because this is a lot easier.
This is pointing out something dumb about people. I usually think of it as a woman thing, but there are men who do not like their pain compared to this kind of pain either. They think, well, it's like you are saying my pain doesn't matter!
Well, for one, why the fuck does your pain matter? It doesn't matter! Sure, it matters to you. But if you are looking at the big picture, you will see that there are so many people through out history who have been through more pain than you. So, pretty much, it stops self-pity right in the nub. There goes self-pity! All gone! Out the window! NO MORE FUCKING SELF-PITY! I FUCKING HATE SELF PITY!
I hate self-pity. That's why I tell myself this. It makes it a lot worse when I start thinking, oh, woe is me, about anything that I am going through. So, the thing about self-pity is, a lot of people like feeling bad for themselves. YES! A LOT OF PEOPLE LIKE FEELING BAD FOR THEMSELVES! I don't know if it really helps, but they seem to think it helps. It does not. It makes them feel worse in the long run. It renders them worthless, immature, whiny pricks.
I'm not trying to be hard on everyone for this. This is a technique I didn't know when I was at Innercept. It is not really that simple. I would not have used this technique at Innercept, because I did not have enough self-esteem. YES! THIS TECHNIQUE TAKES SELF-ESTEEM!
So the other reason I make fun of people like this in my mind is, they want their pain validated. I don't respect this reason. No, you are no better than anyone who went through the Holocaust, you are no better than the young men (and women) who have gone off to war, and yes, you are no better than the starving children in Africa. You think it's irrelevant because it's so extreme. Well I will tell you this, get off your high pedestal and sense of superiority because you live in a first world country. You are no better than anyone else, you are only as good as you make yourself to be and you think wallowing in self-pity is helping?
So I have no respect for this response, but I know it is inevitable from a lot of people. It's a joke when I bring up this argument that your pain is nothing compared to these people, because I know most people cannot take it. But I can. That's why I bring it up!
And yes, you should know you are in pain. I do not need to tell you, yes whoever, you are in a lot of pain. YOU SHOULD KNOW!
Monday, January 2, 2017
The Sound of My Mother Weeping
So late 2016, right before my birthday, my mother asked me where I wanted to go for my birthday dinner. I am on a strict diet, and I eat nothing but lots and lots of vegetables and meat. So, I told her I wanted to go to Sweet Tomato. I have no desire to eat food that tastes good. Only food that is healthy.
Anyway, so this is when my mom starts in. "Well, every time you go to Sweet Tomato, you load up on so much salad the first round through and don't eat it all!" I asked her why she cared. She told me it is just so embarrasing. I snapped at her. "Don't you ever, EVER, tell me you're embarrassed by me!"
So this reminds me of a time I was at Sweet Tomato one time, and I was eating with my dad while dealing with the most intensely stresssful issue I have ever gone through in my entire life. And when I say dealing with it, I mean like currently, as in right that second. My dad does not cease to harass me about the taking too much salad issue, just like my mom did the time after when we went to Sweet Tomato. So it's like, great, not only am I under the most fucking stress I have ever been through in my entire life, I am also an embarrassment to my parents. I am going through so much stress I am not even capable of telling him to shut the fuck up vociferously enough that he cuts it the fuck out. It's like, seriously? We are already sitting here, eating. We have already been through the fucking salad bar and I have already taken this much salad. IS IT REALLY FUCKING WORTH IT TO RUIN MY FUCKING MEAL?! Oh right, you are embarrased by me! So I guess I deserve to have my meal ruined, without the understanding that this is a spiritual issue that I was dealing with that will get me shot up with medication right this second if I mentioned it... Close minded people, right? And nevermind the fact that I know this issue right here will give both my parents screaming nightmares when the inevitable occurance happens that they find out about it at a time when they are capable of accepting that I have these kind of issues.
Anyway, this is actually a repressed memory but I know there was a situation like this. That just means it was worse than I remember, I just know this happened. Anyway, so that day I was talking to my mother, I got upset and went in the other room. Then I started bawling and realized I had to confront her further, so I went out and told her why I was upset.
So just now, I had just finished eating dinner when I came downstairs and was sitting at my computer. My mother comes in, with self-pity in her eye. She tells me she just finished cleaning up the entire kitchen, the mess I left, all by herself. I told her, it was not like I wasn't going to clean up after myself like I always do this time, apparently you just made it there first. Then she left the room, and as she is walking away I hear the mock sounds of crying.
Moment by moment, day after day, I slip further and further away about giving even the slightest shit about that woman.
Anyway, so this is when my mom starts in. "Well, every time you go to Sweet Tomato, you load up on so much salad the first round through and don't eat it all!" I asked her why she cared. She told me it is just so embarrasing. I snapped at her. "Don't you ever, EVER, tell me you're embarrassed by me!"
So this reminds me of a time I was at Sweet Tomato one time, and I was eating with my dad while dealing with the most intensely stresssful issue I have ever gone through in my entire life. And when I say dealing with it, I mean like currently, as in right that second. My dad does not cease to harass me about the taking too much salad issue, just like my mom did the time after when we went to Sweet Tomato. So it's like, great, not only am I under the most fucking stress I have ever been through in my entire life, I am also an embarrassment to my parents. I am going through so much stress I am not even capable of telling him to shut the fuck up vociferously enough that he cuts it the fuck out. It's like, seriously? We are already sitting here, eating. We have already been through the fucking salad bar and I have already taken this much salad. IS IT REALLY FUCKING WORTH IT TO RUIN MY FUCKING MEAL?! Oh right, you are embarrased by me! So I guess I deserve to have my meal ruined, without the understanding that this is a spiritual issue that I was dealing with that will get me shot up with medication right this second if I mentioned it... Close minded people, right? And nevermind the fact that I know this issue right here will give both my parents screaming nightmares when the inevitable occurance happens that they find out about it at a time when they are capable of accepting that I have these kind of issues.
Anyway, this is actually a repressed memory but I know there was a situation like this. That just means it was worse than I remember, I just know this happened. Anyway, so that day I was talking to my mother, I got upset and went in the other room. Then I started bawling and realized I had to confront her further, so I went out and told her why I was upset.
So just now, I had just finished eating dinner when I came downstairs and was sitting at my computer. My mother comes in, with self-pity in her eye. She tells me she just finished cleaning up the entire kitchen, the mess I left, all by herself. I told her, it was not like I wasn't going to clean up after myself like I always do this time, apparently you just made it there first. Then she left the room, and as she is walking away I hear the mock sounds of crying.
Moment by moment, day after day, I slip further and further away about giving even the slightest shit about that woman.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Guardianship and the Squelching!
Sometimes, when you are 19 and your parents slap a guardianship on you, you have to admit that you our powerless and know nothing. Your parents always have your best interests at heart.
What's the track record here of parents knowing best? Let's examine the evidence. Let's exlude some things and jump right to Innercept. Did it help? Was it the right decision.
If you ask my parents this now a days, you will hear a resounding abso-fucking-not from them. Yep, that's right. They admitted to me that it was a gimmick, they just weren't informed of this beforehand and thought it would help.
By the way my spiritual growth is stalled right now for a reason I'm not going to get into on here.
Anyway, my dad was drawn in to the Innercept brochure by the "low stimulus environment" gimmick. He thought, hey, that would help Rachel! The environment at Innercept is magic and works miracles!
Anyway, what the fuck? Who the fuck would fall for something like this? Actually, I know because I was there the fucking "low stimulus environment" only applies to stabilization. When you get sent to stable, be prepared to feel like shit for as long as you are there. This apparently replaces mania with suicidal depression. You can't listen to music. So what, now music is making us manic? Right. It's well documented it does not...
Anyway, my mom sent me off to Innercept with the hopes that the wide array of educational services would convince me of the validity of the mental illness theory and there would be a light bulb moment. Hey! Everything they are describing about bipolar disorder describes me to a tee! Is that true? No, but I will tell you I never went through any sort of mental illness education. There were no groups about mental illness, just groups about anger management and collusion, and it was the same thing every week. The groups repeat like every month for a new audience of Innercept residents.
Anyway, there are so many awful things that make you think Innercept is bad for mental health! My mom told me one time, if you weren't at Innercept you'd be dead! Like she knows! I know I wouldn't have been suicidally depressed if I weren't at Innercept, it was Innercept that was causing it!
All in all, we wonder about my parents. It's funny to me that there was never any sort of mental illness education, except for when they told me to read mental illness books. I did, and I was astounded at the boringness of the stories! So bad!
Anyway, nowadays, I think about my parents. Did they do the right thing? I made friends, yes. I don't make friends easily, not because I'm weird, all the people I bump into have something wrong with them. Otherwise I would.
So this is where it stands now. When it comes to Innercept and my parents, there is a great deal of woe and regret. Not because it didn't help, I'm apparently doing fine now but there was a long period of erratic behavior on my part that was fun as hell and I'm not getting into because I don't fucking care what they think. Anyway, they don't have money anymore! They spent there life savings on Innercept! And it's the kind of thing where you wonder, Meeke, you see your money in the bank dwindling and it's a problem. Isn't it about time to pull Rachel out? Like, a couple years before you actually did? No, because I wasn't better yet! Was I ever better? Apparently, I think I am better now. I don't know if my parents would agree, but I'm pretty sure because I haven't gone to the hospital since May of 2014 and they let me move out of the house and live on my own and they aren't constantly checking on me. Is it because of Innercept? No. I don't know what they would say the reason is, probably better medication.
Anyway, that's all.
What's the track record here of parents knowing best? Let's examine the evidence. Let's exlude some things and jump right to Innercept. Did it help? Was it the right decision.
If you ask my parents this now a days, you will hear a resounding abso-fucking-not from them. Yep, that's right. They admitted to me that it was a gimmick, they just weren't informed of this beforehand and thought it would help.
By the way my spiritual growth is stalled right now for a reason I'm not going to get into on here.
Anyway, my dad was drawn in to the Innercept brochure by the "low stimulus environment" gimmick. He thought, hey, that would help Rachel! The environment at Innercept is magic and works miracles!
Anyway, what the fuck? Who the fuck would fall for something like this? Actually, I know because I was there the fucking "low stimulus environment" only applies to stabilization. When you get sent to stable, be prepared to feel like shit for as long as you are there. This apparently replaces mania with suicidal depression. You can't listen to music. So what, now music is making us manic? Right. It's well documented it does not...
Anyway, my mom sent me off to Innercept with the hopes that the wide array of educational services would convince me of the validity of the mental illness theory and there would be a light bulb moment. Hey! Everything they are describing about bipolar disorder describes me to a tee! Is that true? No, but I will tell you I never went through any sort of mental illness education. There were no groups about mental illness, just groups about anger management and collusion, and it was the same thing every week. The groups repeat like every month for a new audience of Innercept residents.
Anyway, there are so many awful things that make you think Innercept is bad for mental health! My mom told me one time, if you weren't at Innercept you'd be dead! Like she knows! I know I wouldn't have been suicidally depressed if I weren't at Innercept, it was Innercept that was causing it!
All in all, we wonder about my parents. It's funny to me that there was never any sort of mental illness education, except for when they told me to read mental illness books. I did, and I was astounded at the boringness of the stories! So bad!
Anyway, nowadays, I think about my parents. Did they do the right thing? I made friends, yes. I don't make friends easily, not because I'm weird, all the people I bump into have something wrong with them. Otherwise I would.
So this is where it stands now. When it comes to Innercept and my parents, there is a great deal of woe and regret. Not because it didn't help, I'm apparently doing fine now but there was a long period of erratic behavior on my part that was fun as hell and I'm not getting into because I don't fucking care what they think. Anyway, they don't have money anymore! They spent there life savings on Innercept! And it's the kind of thing where you wonder, Meeke, you see your money in the bank dwindling and it's a problem. Isn't it about time to pull Rachel out? Like, a couple years before you actually did? No, because I wasn't better yet! Was I ever better? Apparently, I think I am better now. I don't know if my parents would agree, but I'm pretty sure because I haven't gone to the hospital since May of 2014 and they let me move out of the house and live on my own and they aren't constantly checking on me. Is it because of Innercept? No. I don't know what they would say the reason is, probably better medication.
Anyway, that's all.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Astral Travel And Consenting to the String
Surrendor. That's what I'm preparing for by reading. Other than that, let's take some time out to tell people about astral travel!
A couple nights ago, my guides helped me do astral travel. It starts like a lucid dream. In lucid dreams, I for one always start out by lying in my bed in my body and then getting out of my body by leaving it. Only, I'm not really leaving my body! It's only in my mind!
Some people can astral travel in lucid dreams instead of leaving their bodies and being hookers. That's what I do I always decide to be a hooker in a lucid dream. No reason. I wouldn't particularly want to be a hooker in real life... That's just what I do in lucid dreams.
Lucid dreams are pretty dumb and pointless. There's nothing you can do besides dumb sex acts! There's nothing to find out, no one gives you accurate answers when you ask... They just say random shit. Nothing interesting happens, the dream just tries to make you unconscious again. The only thing you can do is run around and fuck people.
Anyway, that's why astral travel is preferred. Awhile ago, I did it with my guides. The other night, we went to a different astral plane.
So it starts out where you are asleep going into a lucid dream, and you are lying in your body and your guides do something to put you on the right plane. Then, you think of someone to visit! There are so many people to visit!
The first time I did astral travel, I visited this one guy I had a crush on, then I visited Terry and Angela whom I don't have crushes on.
This time, it was all crush people. I visited this one guy, and he told me his spirit animal was the snake and we compared spirit animals. My guides told me that guy's spirit animal is not the snake, he just said that because it was a phallic symbol.
I visited Adam, who was reading my book and stopped reading and stopped talking to me. At least I tried to visit him, he wouldn't visit with me!
I visited Aaron Ross and he avoided me at first. Then, he started talking to me and we were going to get married. I didn't understand what it meant to him to get married. He told me it was to attach a string. There is this thing you can do, where you attach a string on this astral plane. The string is kind of like a wonky romance cord and only goes one way. So if someone attaches a string to you, and they only do so with your consent... You will have a very strong fixation on them for real. That's what everyone here says.
Every single fucking person I visited on this plane tried to attach a string! No, they wouldn't want to attach one on a conscious level.... They would think that was bad, probably. *scratches head* Anyway, everyone I visited tried to attach the same string and it was annoying! So you are sitting around, having some laughs, having sex... And then suddenly their demeanor changes. And they say, let's attach a string! It will create a sense of deep inner peace between us! And they think it's a good idea.
Anyway, if this happened.... It would take effect in about a month. You would suddenly find yourself thinking about the person in a real way, and wanting sexual acts with them. It's a very sexual thing. If the string is cut, you can cut it with energy work.
Does this ever happen? NO! No one ever consents to the string. That's why there is no use in energy work for string removal, though they do know it.
What kind of person would consent to a string on this level? Lots of really dumbfuck people. It is a straw man argument. No one consents to the string!
It's a really wonky thing about this astral plane. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT IS WONKING ME OUT! This fucking string thing is wonky!
It's not on all astral planes. This is a hard one to reach.
There was something my guides did that didn't make the book because it was weird and not important. I was at the nail salon one time, having a good time getting my nails done, when I went into the bathroom to urinate. As I was sitting there, my guides attached a cord from me to my mom. The cord was to make my mom think I was helping out around the country store. I was like, what the fuck? And they told me there was a country store on the astral plane. I worked at a country store with my mom. I also write short stories that are really popular. My dad owns a strip club, but instead of women dancing it was something along the lines of dogs. My sister works at a strip club and has money issues but is helped out by random strangers all the time in the form of generous tips.
Anyway, this is not the same astral plane but is something related. There is no awareness at all in this astral plane we are talking about now. There is awareness in the string astral plane. The other astral plane is kind of like a side effect of the Earth plane. All this stuff is kind of like quantum mechanics in the spirit world.
Anyway, is there awareness on the string astral plane? Yes. There is not that much though. If I were to visit you on the astral plane, you would know about it on some level but not be able to access it in your mind at all except on the a similar level to the level you talk to people subconsciously on. However, you would not talk about it because you wouldn't know about it on this level either. You would know about it though. On some fucking level. Anyway.
A couple nights ago, my guides helped me do astral travel. It starts like a lucid dream. In lucid dreams, I for one always start out by lying in my bed in my body and then getting out of my body by leaving it. Only, I'm not really leaving my body! It's only in my mind!
Some people can astral travel in lucid dreams instead of leaving their bodies and being hookers. That's what I do I always decide to be a hooker in a lucid dream. No reason. I wouldn't particularly want to be a hooker in real life... That's just what I do in lucid dreams.
Lucid dreams are pretty dumb and pointless. There's nothing you can do besides dumb sex acts! There's nothing to find out, no one gives you accurate answers when you ask... They just say random shit. Nothing interesting happens, the dream just tries to make you unconscious again. The only thing you can do is run around and fuck people.
Anyway, that's why astral travel is preferred. Awhile ago, I did it with my guides. The other night, we went to a different astral plane.
So it starts out where you are asleep going into a lucid dream, and you are lying in your body and your guides do something to put you on the right plane. Then, you think of someone to visit! There are so many people to visit!
The first time I did astral travel, I visited this one guy I had a crush on, then I visited Terry and Angela whom I don't have crushes on.
This time, it was all crush people. I visited this one guy, and he told me his spirit animal was the snake and we compared spirit animals. My guides told me that guy's spirit animal is not the snake, he just said that because it was a phallic symbol.
I visited Adam, who was reading my book and stopped reading and stopped talking to me. At least I tried to visit him, he wouldn't visit with me!
I visited Aaron Ross and he avoided me at first. Then, he started talking to me and we were going to get married. I didn't understand what it meant to him to get married. He told me it was to attach a string. There is this thing you can do, where you attach a string on this astral plane. The string is kind of like a wonky romance cord and only goes one way. So if someone attaches a string to you, and they only do so with your consent... You will have a very strong fixation on them for real. That's what everyone here says.
Every single fucking person I visited on this plane tried to attach a string! No, they wouldn't want to attach one on a conscious level.... They would think that was bad, probably. *scratches head* Anyway, everyone I visited tried to attach the same string and it was annoying! So you are sitting around, having some laughs, having sex... And then suddenly their demeanor changes. And they say, let's attach a string! It will create a sense of deep inner peace between us! And they think it's a good idea.
Anyway, if this happened.... It would take effect in about a month. You would suddenly find yourself thinking about the person in a real way, and wanting sexual acts with them. It's a very sexual thing. If the string is cut, you can cut it with energy work.
Does this ever happen? NO! No one ever consents to the string. That's why there is no use in energy work for string removal, though they do know it.
What kind of person would consent to a string on this level? Lots of really dumbfuck people. It is a straw man argument. No one consents to the string!
It's a really wonky thing about this astral plane. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT IS WONKING ME OUT! This fucking string thing is wonky!
It's not on all astral planes. This is a hard one to reach.
There was something my guides did that didn't make the book because it was weird and not important. I was at the nail salon one time, having a good time getting my nails done, when I went into the bathroom to urinate. As I was sitting there, my guides attached a cord from me to my mom. The cord was to make my mom think I was helping out around the country store. I was like, what the fuck? And they told me there was a country store on the astral plane. I worked at a country store with my mom. I also write short stories that are really popular. My dad owns a strip club, but instead of women dancing it was something along the lines of dogs. My sister works at a strip club and has money issues but is helped out by random strangers all the time in the form of generous tips.
Anyway, this is not the same astral plane but is something related. There is no awareness at all in this astral plane we are talking about now. There is awareness in the string astral plane. The other astral plane is kind of like a side effect of the Earth plane. All this stuff is kind of like quantum mechanics in the spirit world.
Anyway, is there awareness on the string astral plane? Yes. There is not that much though. If I were to visit you on the astral plane, you would know about it on some level but not be able to access it in your mind at all except on the a similar level to the level you talk to people subconsciously on. However, you would not talk about it because you wouldn't know about it on this level either. You would know about it though. On some fucking level. Anyway.
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Geodon: The Ultimate Death Drug Exposed!
It's occurred to me that I've never discussed my history with Geodon.
Geodon is a drug in the atypical antipsychotic class. I was at Innercept, following a suicide attempt they told me they would switch me from Abilify to Geodon. They knew I cared very deeply, more deeply than most people about my weight, or else they would have tried Seroquel instead. But no. I cared more than most people, and Geodon has zilch effect on weight.
So one merry February morning at the hospital, I was given a dose of Geodon. Nothing at first besides being knocked the fuck out in the AM. Then again, in the PM. Knocked out twice a day like a sledgehammer.
I started to complain because they wouldn't move me forward in the program because I was sleeping in the morning! Other than that, there were some other things... Random words and phrases subconsciously popping up that were utterly meaningless, decreased cognitive function, and impaired ability to sleep soundly thus actually needing more sleep... amongst the random gitz and gatz and hiccups in the brain.
Other than that, they switched my dose to PM only. That's when I REALLY started noticing the Geodon problems. At night, I would sit in the bathroom and laugh to myself. The laughter was at an inside joke I shared with a friend who wasn't really my friend. It was always the same joke too! ALWAYS! Day after day, I was always laughing in the bathroom at the same fucking thing! I mean it's pretty funny, but NOT THAT FUNNY... NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, it built up in my mind and after awhile I started getting horrifying lows. I would get this deathly awful low feeling of everyone in the world hating me or something, I don't know if it's really what it was... just a soul shattering deeper than depression, awful bad feeling every once in awhile.
If I drank water, it went away! I drank water until I was excreting water from most pores.
After awhile, I started to get thinking on repeat. I would get subconscious thoughts repeating in the back of my mind all the time, and I would notice. Then there would be imaginary conversations between people in the back of my mind, and I wouldn't notice it until it came to my attention in a mysterious way... Why? BRAIN DAMAGE!!! It all started as soon as I started taking Geodon!
Anyway, the doctor wouldn't take me off it until I was on meth and I couldn't function anymore because there was so much gunk in my brain that it left me with brain fog. Was it the Geodon? No. Was it the meth? Maybe. Was it compounded on top of each other? Yes. Anyway, the funny laughing problem didn't go away either, it just lessened, and I still laughed on repeat at jokes that were funny but not funny. That went away a long time later when I went off Adderall and got neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback fixed the problem. But I am still so fucking pissed off that I had to endure the lowest of the low moods in the name of "mood stabilization." Does that make any fucking sense to anyone? I never had those moods before I was on Geodon, never after.... The only other time was once when my doctor was taking me off invega too rapidly because he wanted me off it... That was the only time. What the hell? These are mood stabilizers? I never had any mood stabilization issues before I was on Geodon! None! None before, none after... My parents don't know what my mood is. So you shut your fucking face and don't say that's not true or I will do something to the cats.
Geodon is a drug in the atypical antipsychotic class. I was at Innercept, following a suicide attempt they told me they would switch me from Abilify to Geodon. They knew I cared very deeply, more deeply than most people about my weight, or else they would have tried Seroquel instead. But no. I cared more than most people, and Geodon has zilch effect on weight.
So one merry February morning at the hospital, I was given a dose of Geodon. Nothing at first besides being knocked the fuck out in the AM. Then again, in the PM. Knocked out twice a day like a sledgehammer.
I started to complain because they wouldn't move me forward in the program because I was sleeping in the morning! Other than that, there were some other things... Random words and phrases subconsciously popping up that were utterly meaningless, decreased cognitive function, and impaired ability to sleep soundly thus actually needing more sleep... amongst the random gitz and gatz and hiccups in the brain.
Other than that, they switched my dose to PM only. That's when I REALLY started noticing the Geodon problems. At night, I would sit in the bathroom and laugh to myself. The laughter was at an inside joke I shared with a friend who wasn't really my friend. It was always the same joke too! ALWAYS! Day after day, I was always laughing in the bathroom at the same fucking thing! I mean it's pretty funny, but NOT THAT FUNNY... NOTHING IS THAT FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, it built up in my mind and after awhile I started getting horrifying lows. I would get this deathly awful low feeling of everyone in the world hating me or something, I don't know if it's really what it was... just a soul shattering deeper than depression, awful bad feeling every once in awhile.
If I drank water, it went away! I drank water until I was excreting water from most pores.
After awhile, I started to get thinking on repeat. I would get subconscious thoughts repeating in the back of my mind all the time, and I would notice. Then there would be imaginary conversations between people in the back of my mind, and I wouldn't notice it until it came to my attention in a mysterious way... Why? BRAIN DAMAGE!!! It all started as soon as I started taking Geodon!
Anyway, the doctor wouldn't take me off it until I was on meth and I couldn't function anymore because there was so much gunk in my brain that it left me with brain fog. Was it the Geodon? No. Was it the meth? Maybe. Was it compounded on top of each other? Yes. Anyway, the funny laughing problem didn't go away either, it just lessened, and I still laughed on repeat at jokes that were funny but not funny. That went away a long time later when I went off Adderall and got neurofeedback.
Neurofeedback fixed the problem. But I am still so fucking pissed off that I had to endure the lowest of the low moods in the name of "mood stabilization." Does that make any fucking sense to anyone? I never had those moods before I was on Geodon, never after.... The only other time was once when my doctor was taking me off invega too rapidly because he wanted me off it... That was the only time. What the hell? These are mood stabilizers? I never had any mood stabilization issues before I was on Geodon! None! None before, none after... My parents don't know what my mood is. So you shut your fucking face and don't say that's not true or I will do something to the cats.
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